<p>Hi,
Im a student from the UK and the admissions process is a little confusing to me (especially the personal statement as they are always about your intended subject area in this country and not as much about you). Anyway im posting my answer to prompt 1 below, so if you could tell me what you think and how I could improve it would be much appreciated :)</p>
<p>Whilst sitting here, gazing out of the window into the rain and gloom of Manchester, my only thought is of finally leaving. Its not that I dislike England, quite the opposite in fact, but my ultimate ambition in life is to leave home and travel far away; I want to journey to far off places and meet new people along the way. </p>
<p>Its fair to say that my home is quite average: a semi detached house in the suburbs of a large city. The area I live in is relatively quiet and theres seldom anything of interest going on. Many people upon hearing this would wrongly conclude that it is the ideal neighbourhood: quiet and peaceful, however speaking from experience I am inclined to disagree. The idea of a serene environment to live in may at first sound appealing, but it quickly becomes dull and boring to live in a place where not much ever happens; there is a constant lack of excitement.</p>
<p>School life is very similar: I go to a typical state school in a nearby village, more specifically the sixth form centre attached to the high school where I used to attend. The sixth form part of the school is quite small as many people in my year group chose to leave at the end of last year (as education beyond the age of 16 is not compulsory in the UK as it is in the USA and it common for people to leave after the first year of sixth form). I enjoy taking part in music in school, playing in the school big band and concert band, but due to the lack of musicians in school both bands are quite low in numbers at the moment. Whilst at university it is my aim to take part in as many clubs, teams and organisations as possible, taking advantage of opportunities that are not currently available to me such as large university bands and sports teams (which are virtually nonexistent in Britain due to the fact that schools are generally quite small).</p>
<p>I believe that California will be the perfect start to my journey; not only because of the weather and the beaches, but because of American culture in general, which is really quite different from my own. During my time at university I want to be involved in everything, from fraternities to bands and other societies, but mainly I think I will enjoy living in such a varied environment with people from many different backgrounds, as I believe that diversity is paramount to the operation any society.</p>
<p>so-so. I mean it answers the prompt which is better than some essays. But it doesn’t say much about you. You need to go from describing your world to focusing on how the world affected/influenced/changed you influenced etc.</p>
make that shorter, it’s too wordy and not very relevent to the main idea… just shortly state:
“(as most above the age of 16 do not attend school)” or something similar.</p>
<p>
You DON’T want to give off the impression that you’re applying to the UCs first and foremost because they are close to beaches and have nice weather.</p>
<p>
very cliched…</p>
<p>You write fairly well in terms of style. However, you do not address the prompt as well as you possibly can. This whole statement can be summed up as “England is so boring, I want to go to a UC because California is fun” and “I have no opportunities here in England, but I probably will at California” - the second isn’t good especially because it looks like you’re not making the best of what’s around you. It sounds like you just don’t look hard enough for all these clubs etc that you’re interested in.</p>
<p>Not sure education is compulsory here beyond 16, as you claim. Perhaps in some states. </p>
<p>Also don’t shut the door on your peaceful suburb life! Just say what you’re looking for these next four years. No one will blame you for wanting some excitement! But the fact is, when you’re thirty five with kids, a life in the suburbs becomes very appealing. The people who will read your essay may very well prefer that lifestyle. So don’t slam it. </p>
<p>What is sixth form centre? No reader will know what you’re talking about. </p>
<p>And American culture is “very different” from British culture? Yeah not so sure about that one. Also if you wanted to see different cultures, why aren’t you applying to universities in China? Or Argentina?</p>
<p>“I want to be involved in everything.” No you don’t. Trust me…</p>
<p>Yeah and definitely listen to the poster who said you need to make this more about you. The fact that you are applying to these schools means you are interested. So don’t feel like you necessarily need to justify that.</p>
<p>I think your opening is really attractive, and I like your conclusion a lot,but I think you could change some words such like"quite average" or “very similar” I feel like the admission officer would think you are not so special but “quite average”. you could make your body paragraph a little significant:):):):):)</p>
so would you say replace part of it or just add some more?</p>