UC Personal Statement. Please review.

College Essays
1

<p>Hi! I'm an incoming senior and I'm applying to a couple of the UC campuses. It would really help if you could read my essay and add your thoughts into how I could improve it. Any comments would be greatly appreciated thank you!</p>

<p>Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?</p>

<pre><code> I wasn’t sure how to behave around someone like that, someone special, someone with a disability. March 17th, 2012 was the first time I had ever been placed in a situation where I would have to interact with anyone with a disability but that day turned out to have a profound impact on my life, an impact that I would carry with me for years to come.

</code></pre>

<p>Waking up that morning I expected my job would consist of fetching water and clapping whenever a kid smiled after competing in their given event. The last thing I imagined I would be doing was spending 10 straight hours following a demanding little girl around bending over backwards just to put a smile on her face.
It was 6 am when I walked on to the dewy field that Saturday morning. The annual Guam Special Olympics was already in full swing. After fastening my royal blue volunteer ribbon to my breast pocket I began making my way around the track in search of the sign that read “Inarajan Elementary School” and although I didn’t know it yet, I was making my way towards a wide-eyed 10 year old named Bridgette who would ultimately change my outlook on the world.
As I walked up to the tent I see this little girl, no more than 4 feet tall with pigtails flying everywhere, run up to me and introduce herself. “My name is Bridgette and you’re going to be my best friend”. It wasn’t a question. This girl so self-assertive had proclaimed me her best friend forever within the first 20 seconds of our meeting. I wasn’t scared; I wasn’t turned off. I was happy. This child had picked me; it was as if she saw something inside of me that I didn’t know was there myself.
As time rolled on I learned from Bridgette’s mother Ellen that she had been diagnosed autistic at a young age, something which had seriously dampened her social interactions with children her own age. At age 10, we are still innocent. We don’t notice religion, race, or disabilities as someone mature might. At 10, Bridgette didn’t know she was different; she didn’t know why she didn’t interact with her peers the same way. All Bridgette knew was that she didn’t fit in like everyone else. This was her favorite day out of the year. It was the one day that she was treated just like everyone else around her and in her words it was the day she “was treated like a star”.
This was the first time I had ever worked with anyone with a disability let alone a child who barely understood what autism was. Spending that day with Bridgette opened my eyes to what it meant to be a human. There are many people who view life as a competition, a cutthroat endeavor where your only goal is to make sure that you reach the finish line. I must admit that I myself believed that at one point. I thought that it was my goal to look out for my loved ones and myself, that anyone else just wasn’t my concern. March 17th changed me. There is nothing like seeing a smile grow from ear to ear on a child, or any person for that matter, and knowing that you helped put it there. It was because of Bridgette that I realized that it’s not only my job to make it to that finish line; it’s my job to help others get there too.</p>

2

<p>First, it’s not a great idea to just post your essays like this. It’s better to PM your essays to individuals.</p>

<p>I don’t think the first paragraph is necessary. You can just start in the middle of the action.
Also, I think you should go into more detail on how this experience affected you.</p>

3

<p>halcyonheather - thank you for your comment I greatly appreciate it, here is an updated version based on what you commented I hope you and others have more input </p>

<p>It was 6 am when I walked on to the dewy field that Saturday morning. The annual Guam Special Olympics was already in full swing. After fastening my royal blue volunteer ribbon to my breast pocket I began making my way around the track in search of the sign that read “Inarajan Elementary School” and although I didn’t know it yet, I was making my way towards a wide-eyed 10 year old named Bridgette who would ultimately change my outlook on the world.
As I walked up to the tent I see this little girl, no more than 4 feet tall with pigtails flying everywhere, run up to me and introduce herself. “My name is Bridgette and you’re going to be my best friend”. It wasn’t a question. This girl so self-assertive had proclaimed me her best friend within the first 20 seconds of our meeting.
As time rolled on I learned from Bridgette’s mother Ellen that she had been diagnosed autistic at a young age, something which had seriously dampened her social interactions with children her own age. At age 10, we are still innocent. We don’t notice religion, race, or disabilities as someone mature might. At 10, Bridgette didn’t know she was different; she didn’t know why she didn’t interact with her peers the same way. All Bridgette knew was that she didn’t fit in like everyone else. This was her favorite day out of the year. It was the one day that she was treated just like everyone else around her and in her words it was the day she “was treated like a star”. Spending 10 hours straight following Bridgette around, bending over backwards to make her smile, opened my eyes to how simple things such as face painting and snow cones can produce such earnest expression of wonderment and pleasure on a child’s face.
This was the first time I had ever worked with anyone with a disability let alone a child who barely understood what autism was. Spending that day with Bridgette showed me what it meant to be a human. There are many people who view life as a competition, a cutthroat endeavor where your only goal is to make sure that you reach the finish line. I must admit that I myself believed that at one point. I thought that it was my goal to look out for my loved ones and myself, that anyone else just wasn’t my concern. March 17th, 2012 changed me. There is nothing like seeing a smile grow from ear to ear on a child, or any person for that matter, and knowing that you helped put it there. Seeing her face light up at even the most rudimentary gestures was proof that I didn’t need to cure cancer or fight world hunger to make a difference. Change begins with the small things and in my case the change to want to improve my world began with 10 year old girl from Guam named Bridgette Matagolai. It was because of Bridgette that I realized that it’s not only my job to make it to that finish line; it’s my job to help others get there too.</p>

4

<p>I will try to edit this later but I’m on my iPad on the CC app and it’s too hard so I’ll just be give some small tips.</p>

<p>1) Please delete the first two paragraphs. They contribute nothing at all to the conclusion of your essay and sound very awkward. With those paragraphs you give an unnecessary, strange description of someone who hasn’t been introduced yet and it really turned me off.</p>

<p>2) The comma goes inside the quotation marks.
Wrong: “. . . best friend”.
Right: “. . . best friend.”</p>

<p>March 17th didn’t change you. Your experience did. </p>

<p>Try to put your reader into where you were that morning at 6am instead of just saying the time, date and describing the grass.</p>

<p>Ex. </p>

<p>With mild reservations on a crisp Saturday morning, I walked through a dewy (specify field) in search of (Elementary School). </p>

<p>Put your reader in your shoes and guide him/her through your story. Draw him/her in by appealing to the senses. Weather - crisp, feeling - dewy, mental task - in search of. This will pique the reader’s interest and make him/her want to find out more.</p>

<p>Then continue chronologically…</p>

<p>Ex. </p>

<p>The fans’ supportive cheers marked that (The Special Olympics) was under full swing. Even my groggy-eyed self was not immune to contagious parental enthusiasm. </p>

<p>Then you met her - a happy little girl with pigtails who declared you her best friend etc.</p>

<p>Your whole experience with helping someone (didn’t actually state how btw) doesn’t really have anything to do with your point about life being a competition and getting to a finish line. It really doesn’t make a whole lot of sense or make a point.</p>

<p>I just don’t get it, so you’ll need to tweak the whole metaphorical message and conclusion. </p>

<p>Hope I helped a little bit.</p>