Unable to share a bathroom?

My D wanted to stay close to home so she did not apply widely. She chose the closest in-state college that had her program, and I was happy that 3/4 of tuition would be covered between a merit scholarship and a unique financial aid program. Everything seemed perfect.

Because of the Covid situation, the housing application has been delayed. It looked like it will be available soon so D was going through the website and discovered, in the freshman dorms, she would have to share a bathroom with five other people. I don’t know how she didn’t realize this before, but here we are. She is really upset and was crying. She’s not the crying type.

I don’t think this is a normal case of entitlement. We are not fancy people. It’s more like ocd . She has a history of needing to wash things a lot. She also seems to catch everything that goes around. With the Covid situation, her anxieties about this may be ramped up.

One of the other in-state colleges where she was accepted has private bathrooms for each dorm, but it’s the farthest away and I don’t think she got any scholarship or financial aid apart from the federal loan.

Meanwhile she does not have a license or a car, and could only commute if I drove her. It’s not impossible but it would be hard.

I’m not sure how to handle this and her long-time therapist is taking a leave of absence…Any ideas?

A six person suite would be something most frosh in traditional dorms would consider an upgrade…

Options:

  • Live there and adjust to sharing the bathroom with the other five.
  • Get a driver's license and car and commute. If close enough, bicycle. There can also be public transportation, but it seems like she would less want to ride public transportation than share a bathroom.
  • Live in an off-campus apartment or other place with one bathroom per person.

Does she avoid public restrooms throughout her life - high school, restaurants, etc?

A bathroom for only 6 people doesn’t sound bad at all. Often, whole floors are using the same bathroom.

It sounds like not getting over this would be very limiting for her through life. I’d seek out a new therapist to address it between now and the start of the college academic calendar.

I wish I could share a bathroom with only 6 people for college. It’s an upgrade from most dorms for sure.
You just need to lay out her options for her:
-Get her license and a car to commute
-Get an off-campus place
-Suck it up

I’m not sure how she didn’t realize the living situation beforehand. Did she not do any research on dorms for the school?

Does she have any type of diagnosis or 504 or IEP plan?

The choices for my college kids were dorms with communal bathrooms per floor or suite style dorm where two to four people shared access to a bathroom.
My D and S had a setup where the toilet/shower was separate from the sink area.
The sink was always accessible from the bedroom, the room where the shower/toilet was could be locked.

I would try to contact the school and see if the sink is separate so she would have easy access to it.

I can empathize-my son is on the spectrum…at first diagnosed with ocd. I think when he gets overwhelmed he tends to excessively groom…mostly his hair as a coping mechanism. He has gotten better in the last couple years, but it is always a concern that he will regress. He qualified through disability for a single room with private bathroom, however there was only one on campus and he wanted to be a part of the Learning community that was on a traditional floor. Have you/D seen the floor/bathroom layout? I was nervous about this when I went to college but once I saw the set up, it was much better…I think there were 3 showers, 3 toilets, 3 sinks that the hall shared…actual stall doors on the showers like public bathroom stalls instead of curtains. If she is only sharing with 5 others, maybe she could discuss scheduling showers times. If the floor plan is not online you could contact residence life. I would think this situation would have a maid regularly cleaning. Maybe the more information she has, the better she will feel about it. You could look into disability accommodations for options and see if therapist/dr would agree that is is a need for her or a want…and if too late to get an living accommodation for disability. Just some thoughts.

How does she feel about going to school online? Seems like the best option unless you want to rent her a private studio apartment.

@suteiki77 and @1Lotus , she was diagnosed ASD years ago but I don’t think she would meet the criteria now. I think you probably know what that’s like, with issues that persist but not really being able to get accommodations because of being too well functioning. She is treated for ADHD and depression currently, without a 504 plan. One of her specialists is still working with her by phone, so I can reach out to him for ideas for a new therapist.

The college’s campus is safe but the surrounding area is very depressed with a high crime rate so finding something off campus isn’t really an option even if we could afford it.

The closest train station isn’t much closer than the college, but parking would be easier at the train station.

She grew up sharing a bathroom with four siblings so sharing a bathroom isn’t anything new, and I can’t really explain why she was clueless about the dorm situation. She visited her older sisters dorms, and they had to share with a lot more people than she will.

Hi @MACmiracle, I hope you can talk with the college and find a solution there. Her concerns are very real to her (and perhaps exacerbated right now, with all the added fears and anxiety during the pandemic) and I don’t think having an off-campus apartment is right either. I would expect she’ll continue to grow while in college, and work out some of these issues, but I do hope she has a workable solution to look forward to, whenever school starts again.

I would at least call and talk with the department that handles 504, etc and ask if this is an option. At the school my son will attend it actually is an option but my son didn’t ask for it. He would love to have his own restroom but thought he could get by without it and didn’t want to take one from someone who needed it more than he does. It sounds like your daughter might actually warrant at least asking and seeing if she can get one. I know some say, ‘get over it’ but I understand. It isn’t that simple for some kids. No harm in asking the school. good luck!

ASD is a lifelong condition and I don’t think it really goes away, just ebbs/flows of managing it. If was a diagnosis at one time, your pediatrician could revisit whether it was accurate or a misdiagnosis…and symptoms that seemed under control are now emerging due to stress/coping. My son has always been on the spectrum, however, he was never diagnosed until in high school because he was able to work around issues and as a family we put up with a lot thinking it was a phase that would pass. Her theapist might also be able to confirm whether the ASD is still a valid diagnosis. Son was diagnosed by an Autism specialist in high school, however when doing the documentation for college, his theapist/pediatrician were able to complete the forms. Herr idea of what the bathroom situation will be like may be very different that it actually will be. Maybe she needs to get a lot of facts…what does it actually look like…could resident life send photos of it?