<p>At the College of Arts and Sciences, I will be able to take advantage of all the opportunities given me. I have always dreamed of exploring the depths of politics and its role in the international community as well as on our own soil, and then taking that new found knowledge and putting it into action as an attorney or congresswoman. Of all the amazing programs offered at Penn, I am most interested in the Washington Semester Program. While completing my university studies, I would also be able to immerse myself in the political atmosphere of Washington DC. Interning at a political institution or organization would be most beneficial to me in that I would be given a hands on experience. In addition to the immersion program, I am also intrigued by the Colleges sectors of knowledge and foundational approaches. This unique academic curriculum is one of the most vital organs that make up a body of learning. I want to be well rounded and be able to study things outside of my major. The College of Arts and Sciences offers so many wonderful programs and areas of study that I believe will aid me in accomplishing both my short and long term goals. From the public speaking programs, which I could definitely utilize as public speaking plays a dynamic role in the career path I plan on taking, to the many internship opportunities, I am positive that the College will well prepare me for the future.</p>
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<p>How is it? Any feedback? I'm not the greatest writer, but I worked pretty hard on this one...</p>
<p>There’s nothing wrong with it, but there’s also nothing that makes the reader go, “Oh wow! This kid is awesome. I want him at my school.” A potentially interesting way to frame a supplement that is specific to a school would be using your introduction to introduce an important personal belief or concept of yours, and then using the rest of that essay to craft the school around that concept and how you’ll take that belief into college. The way that you structure it now is what thousands of other kids will be doing and the biggest potential problem will be you will fall right into the middle of the pack. I would try to take a more creative spin on this essay.</p>
<p>Your vocabulary is killing me. You include “I have always dreamed of exploring the depths” “amazing programs” “most interested” “most beneficial” “intrigued” “well rounded” “so many wonderful programs” “utilize” and you end with “I am positive that the College will well prepare me for the future.”
First, I certainly hope that you don’t normally write like this - which I think is something HastyCentaur is getting at. The want to hear you, in your voice, not kissing their behinds with how “amazing” their school is. They know that - it’s Penn.
By the way, as someone with decades of experience in political campaigning and grassroots organizing in Chicago, who is also an elected official (with 50,000 constituents), you don’t sound like you’ve ever actually been involved in a political campaign before. You’re 18 - did you volunteer for anyone this year? I’ve done everything from helping elect a progressive Alderman to running the state volunteer campaign for Howard Dean - it’s positively exhilarating. Give 'em what you care about. If you want to be in Congress someday - why? Is it just about the process or is there something about YOU, that YOU want to do, that going to Penn would help you do like nowhere else? Is it that you could benefit from the budget smarty pants at Wharton while also doing time with the politicos on the Hill? Is it that you agree with Franklin’s idea that it’s OK to “do well while doing good?” This reads like a bad middle school student council speech - I know because I’ve written those too - and yet at the same time you clearly have passion in there. Write about that. Go for it!
And yes, having had a two-hour lunch with the man back in the day, the President is every bit as smart as you hope he is. He’s also kind of a goof when you get to know him. Politics is great and you meet amazing people who - along with you - can make a real difference. It’s maybe the highest calling for a true American citizen.</p>
<p>I actually do write like that. I have no idea why. But I guess I should use simpler language?</p>
<p>Okay, so should I talk about the things I’ve done that have to do with it? I volunteered for a congressional campaign this year and I was the youngest person working there (It was for Hakeem Jeffries if you’ve heard of him), I did the NYU Law Academy, the Sadie Nash Women in Law Program, and have been interning at a local law office for three years. I think that’s a lot. </p>
<p>Also, the essay asks how I will utilize the college I wish to attend. I tried to cite some of the things that are special about it and then say how I would take advantage them. I could be reading into the question way too much…</p>
<p>But I’ll take your advise and rewrite it :)</p>