Urgent!!! 2days remaining!!! Would someone please help me with my essay?

Applying to College
1

<p>Question: How you managed to overcome a personal fear and achieved a personal objective? (no more than 300 words)</p>

<p>In June, I took part in a trip Anhui Province, trembling with fear, I shouted, “Climbing will claim my life!” Because of acrophobia, I had not yet climbed a mountain. Asking me to climb was like asking a landlubber to fight a shark. </p>

<p>Then, seeing that all other members had reached the summit successfully, I felt like a coward. I vacillated. Suddenly, the words, “The only thing we fear is the fear itself”, from President Franklin Roosevelt, came to my mind. Having said this courageous sentence, Roosevelt put forward effective government regulations and rescued the U.S. from the Great Depression, its worst time ever. “What about me? Am I really a coward? No! I should learn bravery from him. I should climb the reef fearlessly.” I thought. Thus, I made the hardest decision in my life to face my greatest fear and take the ultimate risk. </p>

<p>I began to take my first steps and exerted myself to take hold of the first holders. Slowly, I reached for the next two bars; finally I moved one foot to the next hole, and then the other…A cold sweat broke out. I was extremely focused on every move and was too nervous to think of anything else. Upon taking these first steps, I encouraged myself once more. Then I took the second steps, and the third…Finally I did it! Standing there at the top of the mountain, I boosted my courage to have a look down. Although I only dared to look down for one glance, sense of accomplishment still fulfilled my mind. And I knew that my fear of heights had almost been cured. </p>

<p>From this experience I learnt how to face difficulties, so that if I meet any obstacles in the future, I could work out strategies to solve them.</p>

<p>(300 words)</p>

<p>Would someone please help me with my essay? Many thanks!</p>

2

<p>I have two initial impressions. </p>

<p>First: This essay does not feel personal. Read it and think of what details make the essay unique to you and not to anyone else. Tell the reader about previous attempts at over coming this fear. What happened? What was different this time. The story you are telling needs more substance. </p>

<p>Second: There is a fair amount of fluff in the essay which should be modified or removed. Why was the decision your hardest, why was the fear your greatest? Is there any reason to use complicated words like acrophobia, or vacillated when simple ones would do? </p>

<p>My suggestion: Make this essay more of a story. Think of convincing details to frame your fear of height in a narrative that is unique to you, and it will make your essay shine.</p>

<p>Disclaimer: I edit essays on [url=&lt;a href=“http://■■■■■■■■■■%5DGurufi%5B/url”&gt;http://■■■■■■■■■■]Gurufi[/url</a>], my comments below represent a rough first pass of my impressions of the essay, lacking much of the constructive advice that I would include if I was doing this as a service. If you want that sort of thing, I recommend you actually hire a professional.</p>

3

<p>i agree with thefool. This seems really fake and unrealistic. start off with a description and then tell us where your at. quotes are okay but only when used right. your quote is too widely used and won’t make your essay unique because a million other essays will have the exact same thing.</p>

4

<p>Thanks for your suggestions, guys.
I have just hired an essay proofreader for me to improve my essay. Hope that works！</p>