<p>This essay was written on paper originally (yes, in 25 minutes), but I copied it here EXACTLY the way it is. :) </p>
<p>I'll be sitting for the SAT in June here in Malaysia, andddd... bah I don't know if I should be scared or exited. Anyways, thanks in advance! Go brutal on my essay, be totally frank - would love to know where I can improve on. X)</p>
<p>Assignment: Do you agree with the idea that people can exercise control over their fear, or does fear control people?</p>
<p>My Essay:</p>
<pre><code>A person can choose to be engulfed by fear, or he can choose to overcome that fear. He can allow fear to limit his life and the decisions wherein, or he can face his fears head on and defeat it. But which is the better option; to cower or to overcome?
When I was younger, my teacher had asked the class to join in a drama she was planning. I was about to raise my hand to volunteer, but an invisible force kept me immobilized behind my desk. It was a familiar feeling fear. In my mind I was contemplating whether or not I should raise my hand. I had always wanted to be part of the drama team, but the thought of venturing into something new scared me.
But in a decisive moment, I had raised my hand. A surge of adrenaline entailed, rushing through me like new energy. I was proud of myself for ignoring my fear. Over the course of the next three months of rehearsals, I realized that I had had the most fun I have had in ages. From the moment I raised my hand long ago, I had learned that overcoming my fears is both worthwhile and liberating.
It is true that fear has the power to control a person, but it is also true that a person has a deep, innate power to overcome that fear. It is up to us to evoke bravery to defeat our fears and to come above it. One may find that there is joy in the freedom from fear. (this last sentence is a little tacky, I know. Time ran out before I could change it D:)
</code></pre>
<p>First of all you had no thesis statement. You merely repeated the prompt in question format. You NEED to take a position in your first paragraph. That is at least 2 points lost there.</p>
<p>Without a thesis your example can’t be tied into a cohesive point. You worked with the prompt way to loosely. You never clearly stated whether you “agree with the idea that people can exercise control over their fear” until very late in your paper. You stated “overcoming my fears is both worthwhile and liberating.” That does not mean you agree people can control their fear. It just expresses an opinion.</p>
<p>You finally take a position in your conclusion, way later than you should have. Moreover, you only gave one example of your position that was flimsy at best. When I write an SAT essay I use one paragraph that supports my thesis by literature and another paragraph by current events. This gives it a certain degree of sophistication. I like your narrative though, so you should add one more paragraph that gives literature or current events as evidence in addition to your own story.</p>
<p>You have strong grammatical diction yet you lack strong structure.
My tutor emphasized a “claim, warrant, impact,” approach. </p>
<p>Claim: This could be your thesis or maybe a first sentence of a paragraph. " As shown by my personal experiences, I strongly agree with the idea that people can exercise control over their fear."
Warrant: You have this done pretty well, just give your story or literature as evidence for your original claim
Impact: Why should we care? Make your reader empathize with your story. Explain how it changed your perspective of the world.</p>
<p>You have the ability. You just need the structure.
Good luck.</p>
<p>i think this would get a 6-7 in total. like ^^ said, you need a thesis statement. Along with that, you need really 2-3 solid examples and real world examples rather than personal ones are better. Try to fill up the whole two pages they give you because you get a higher chance of getting a higher score. just keep practicing and organize your time, 3 min brainstorm 20 min writing, 2 min for conclusion</p>
<p>I’d say probably around a 7. You really do need a thesis! Your introduction was ambiguous. The reader should be able to tell in which direction your essay is going from the first paragraph. </p>
<p>I disagree with mrstreak. Length does not necessarily warrant a higher score. If anything it risks a lower score unless you really know what you’re writing and not just rambling or jumping from half supported example to another half supported example. The readers are not going to grade you high because you’ve got 7 paragraphs, 3 of which are on topic and 2 of which are rambling and superfluous.</p>
<p>Also, you don’t necessarily need 2-3 examples. It’s better to have 1 or 2 strong paragraphs about 1 example than to have 3 cursory examples. The examples you do use don’t have to be allusions to literature or something famous; they can be personal examples. Take a look at the Collegeboard website and check out the sample essays they have [SAT</a> The Essay](<a href=“College Board - SAT, AP, College Search and Admission Tools”>College Board - SAT, AP, College Search and Admission Tools)</p>
<p>I really liked your syntax. You didn’t write a bunch of long or short sentences, instead you mixed them up well.</p>
<p>In summary, things to work on:
1.Thesis statement- this is easily the most important part of the essay, if the reader can’t read the introduction and have a feeling for where you are going you will not score high.
Even a mediocre thesis statement could have improved your score, something like: fear does have a petrifying affect on some people, however, fear is a conquerable problem.</p>
<p>2.Stronger example- A personal example is acceptable, but it has to be strong.</p>
<p>3.Vocabulary- you had a few good vocab words in there. However, if you can, you should try and work in a few more strong vocab words.</p>
<p>Oh my holymacwithcheese, you guys are awesome. </p>
<p>Lol thanks a lot for the pointers, where would I be without you guys. I didn’t realize how much my essay lacked. Hmm I guess I have to get used to the idea of writing on paper. I usually type and print out my assignments and reports on the computer instead of the traditional pencil on paper method. I’ll be practicing on more SAT prompts in these few days (aahhh eight days to go lol), will definitely work on the thesis as well as the structure (roarrrr!). </p>
<p>As for the examples, does anyone know if “faking” a personal experience is allowed? I mean, technically no one would know right? But it still feels as if I’d be cheating. Lol. Imma just steer clear from that for now…</p>
<p>I’m aiming for an 8, but if a 9-10 comes along that would make me a very happy girl. I’m currently trying to break the 700 mark for my Writing section. Alright, I’ll stop rambling. If only I could write this much for my essays :P. </p>
<p>GOOD LUCK ALL YE JUNE SAT TAKERS! Knock em dead. Heh!</p>
<p>-JayTee</p>
<p>PS: python38, I filled up a full page. I’m entertaining the thought that if I write my words fuller it may seem like I have more words LOL jk.</p>
<p>You could make up a personal example. But I wouldn’t recommend it, because then you have to waste time thinking up a coherent example before writing about it</p>
<p>In general also, I’ve found that examples from literature or history work better and appear more sophisticated than personal examples unless the personal examples are extremely powerful.</p>