UVA is sucking the life out of me, please help me

Colleges and Universities A-Z University of Virginia
1

This may be a bit of a long read but I’ll try and keep it as brief as I can.

I have been debating transferring since the week I got to UVA. I am about to become a sophomore/second-year and honestly I just can’t even think about going back without getting either depressed or put into a bad mood, usually both. I really just want to stop hating UVA and start loving it the way so many other students here do, I’m sick of wasting so much energy fantasizing about what my life would be like if I had simply refused to go here.

There are a few significant components to my dislike of UVA. The circumstances under which I came here were not good at all.

I applied engineering at all colleges except for UVA, hoping to study BME. I was stuck between UVA (in-state) and Georgia Tech (OOS), but I was honestly leaning towards gatech. That #1 ranking for BME and the city of Atlanta itself really allured me, plus I had some preconceptions as to UVA’s culture (which I will get into in just a minute). What had happened was prior to making a decision my mother and others around me had basically convinced me that I would have been a failure at Georgia Tech because they basically implied the grade deflation and the exceptionally smart student body would be too much for me to overcome. There’s a little more to it but in the interest of keeping it brief, I’ll just get to the point: I was forced into attending UVA. I was not even allowed apply engineering here because my mother was convinced I would have no chance of getting in through that school.

As a result, I spent the entirety of my first year wading through bureaucracy and fighting to get into classes just to transfer into E-school and study what I want to study. Now, I’m taking summer classes and playing catch up to stay on track (which I thankfully will be soon).

Another element is that I just don’t like the culture here. This ties back to those preconceptions I had. Before I attended UVA I had heard a lot about how it was disproportionately white, fratty, and laden with alcohol, even more so than other universities. Despite that I went in thinking I could find a place for myself, I would come to love Charlottesville, the stereotypes only had a loose basis in reality, it wasn’t actually that bad, etc.

After spending a year there, I just think the alcoholic culture is so in your face it’s obnoxious. I do not drink at all (one exception is coming up, as this might change soon). The darties, foxfield, block party, midsummers, pregaming every event, hearing drunks in and out of my dorm every weekend all just made me feel out of place. I let my RA know and he linked me to the Hoos Sober listserv, but the events I attended were honestly just dead. I tried to bond with my hallmates but a lot of them drank and went out to bars and frats, which made it exceptionally hard to bond with them. I just began feeling so depressed about being left out I just gave into the pressure and decided to try out drinking this past saturday at midsummers, and only then did I feel like I wasn’t some outsider. Even still, I only drank moderately and I don’t think I’d enjoy getting as messed up as some people do at these bars and frats.

I tried for photography club and that did not pan out, the club simply never emailed me back or answered any request to join, even when I put my name down at the activity fairs. I’ll probably try again this coming semester just because photography is something I really enjoy, but I’m not putting too much faith in it. Outdoors club was just unbelievably tough to be a part of between my academic schedule, same thing with blacksmithing club. Some other clubs I tried just didn’t pan out or I didn’t really enjoy myself in them. As a result, most of my life at UVA has just been eat, gym, work, sleep, and laying in bed on the weekend wondering if I can actually make it work here and what my life would be like somewhere else.

I feel like because I didn’t go to GaTech I missed out on a better learning experience and a more techy and I hate to say it but smarter student body (with respect to engineering). The thing is though that I might want to go to med school and it would probably be harder to make it into a great med school there, because to be realistic the grade deflation, curriculum, and possibly higher average quality of student might impede me. If I am to go to med school, UVA is probably the better place… but I just think I would come out of GaTech as a better engineer with a superior education and better connections to other very smart engineers.

Academically, I’m doing great here. Started out first year with a ~3.7 and got a 4.0 my second semester. But I’m just so unhappy, which makes it hard to focus and get things done. It just saps all the energy out of me. The reason I haven’t transferred yet is because I keep hearing about how a lot of people find their place and feel at home their second year, plus that I don’t want to spend even more time playing catch up and probably not even graduating on time at GaTech, what with all the transfer credits I’d lose. Still, I’m thinking that it might be worth the change in scenery.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I went to CAPS but they really weren’t a help for me… all their advice really just boiled down to “take control of your own decisions and keep trying and stay positive,” which is quite frankly useless advice. That being said I might try CAPS again because I now have a better idea of my own grievances.

That’s just about everything… I just don’t know what to do anymore. I want to share in that “best four years of your life” feeling but this past year has sincerely been the worst in my life.

2 Likes
2

It’s not UVA that’s the problem - it’s a huge school with a wide variety of people but you don’t fit/feel at home there. Honestly, you’d probably feel the same way at GA Tech - it’s very easy to get lost in a big school and you have to find your peeps in any school of that size - most people find them quickly freshman year but that apparently didn’t work for you. I would give it one more semester, since you’re already signed up, and then contemplate transferring to a smaller engineering school where there’s less of a sports/party culture. But you do need “take control of your own decisions” - it’s not useless advice you’re just seeing it that way. No college is perfect, you need to make the effort in any environment to make things work for you. If you can accept that responsibility, accept that where you fit probably isn’t a large school with a sports/party culture and stop making useless comparisons about what is “superior” or “better” about the school you didn’t go to… you might actually figure out where you would be happy for the remaining years of college. I hope you get there!

3

Thank you for taking the time to read CaMom. You’re right it’s not totally useless advice it’s just I don’t think it’s super applicable to my scenario. At least, I don’t see how it is. That all being said, I’ve already put in a lot of effort to making the college work for me. It just hasn’t been working. That’s why I posted here, because what I’ve been doing hasn’t been working and I want to see if I can do anything differently.

And accept where I fit isn’t a large school with sports/party culture… are you saying I should just transfer to a smaller school?

4

Could you transfer to a school like Virginia Tech? There may also be smaller schools that offer what you want to study – perhaps even LACs like Lehigh or Lafayette – someone fact check me on this, I don’t know if those offer that specific concentration.

5

Based on the information that you shared in this thread, you are at the wrong school for you. Poor fit.

As for Georgia Tech & medical school, one of my nephews just finished medical school after graduating Georgia Tech. I do not know what he studied or what his GPA was, but I do not think he was a superstar student. So it can be done.

6

Bucknell has biomedical, Lafayette does not. I suspect Lehigh does as well but am not certain. I agree that the OP is at the wrong school - make the change.

7

I am so, so sorry you are unhappy, Jim. I think you are observing what is pretty typical with new students - they are often enamored with the freedom of college and think parties and fraternities are amazing. I do think that calms down a bit in time. That doesn’t change the fact that you’ve had some trouble getting involved and I wish I could fix that.

Did you talk to CAPS about possible depression? I’m not a professional, but the comments about unhappiness sapping the energy out of you and laying in bed make me wonder. Do you think it would make sense to look into that? It’s very normal to go through it during big transitions. Maybe it’s worth another visit.

8

Jim, I don’t know if you are religious but even if you aren’t the Chi Alpha Christian fellowship is a great group on campus that has many activities throughout the year. The have large meetings but also small groups that you can do activities with. I know students who sometimes go to parties and drink but they still enjoy Chi Alpha and find that the small groups are great to get to know other students and really support each other. The do outdoor activities and may be easier to fit in your schedule then the outdoor club. I know they do a fall retreat each year. Give them a try, you may make some good friends.

9

I’ve seen this type of thread on several different schools that are a more selective, know that you are not alone. Many kids don’t get to go to Dream U for all kinds of reasons. Even at their first choice (especially highly academic-minded schools) it can be difficult breaking into groups and joining clubs because, like you, everyone is pretty amazing! That being said - you got accepted which means, believe it or not, you are also AMAZING! UVA is a fantastic school and only accepts top notch students! You have as much to offer them, as they do you, so dig in and let them know!

With regards to the drinking culture - welcome to college! It’s also not unique to UVA and would be the same at GA Tech (I know first hand because my cousin graduated about 5 year ago) and probably worse at other schools. I had a friend in college who didn’t drink but she was happy to hang out before games with those of us who did and be a part of parties regardless (she also stayed a lot healthier, re skinnier, than the rest of us!)

Good advice to look for the Christian fellowships-might not be a completely alcohol dry group but less likely to over do it! And they will have a variety of activities. Also maybe try a club/intramural sport; you don’t have to be super sporty - try the badminton or table tennis or water polo. The photography group sounds amazing… maybe instead of just emailing to join include an attachment of some of your work so they’ll know you are serious. You’ve done the right thing reaching out to counselors. I hope you find what you are looking for!

10

I do not think you would have liked GT either. None of my child’s friends were met in dorms. You also have to apply to get accepted to clubs which is a pain. As for partying at the majority of colleges especially larger ones including GT, drinking is part of the culture. I think a 3.15 graduating in honors at GT. And when you consider the stats of the students the overall gpa is low compared to other universities. There is no perfect school nor is the grass always greener. I would recommend you give UVA more time.

11

Dean J, I did not mention depression because to be honest I’m afraid if I say too much I’ll just be institutionalized or made to take anti-depressants.

To be honest with you I did not feel college was a big transition for me. I have always been pretty independent and didn’t find much trouble in keeping up with my responsibilities. I only found it very difficult to find a way to have fun and destress.

12

jmk and Publisher, I think you may be right, so I am going to be filling out some transfer applications in the meantime. I’ll also make some time to visit GaTech. In alignment with some other posts here I’ll try and give it some more time, and will go to CAPS again.

ASKmother, I think you’re right that the drinking culture is a huge part a lot of schools but to be blunt with you my visits to other schools were not nearly as “fratty,” and when speaking to friends who go to other schools they’re just incredulous at how woven into the culture it is here in comparison to their school. Maybe you’re right about GaTech, but from what I’ve heard from my friend who is there now the drinking culture is not nearly as “in your face” as it is here. I just can’t shake the feeling that the drinking culture is disproportionate here given my interactions with friends from other colleges, my other visits, and the way I’ve seen it suck in so many people around me here… I just can’t shake the feeling.

The problem I guess is that I don’t see drinking as part of the culture, but I see drinking as the culture itself here.

Thanks everyone who’s read so far.

13

At any big school there are nondrinkers too. You just have to find them. Also, keep in mind that as students become upperclassmen they tend to calm down as the novelty wears off.

14

Want to know something? My friends’ daughter was a freshman last year at GA Tech and said the same EXACT things about that school as you said about UVA. She couldn’t stand it, and she’s transferring to Boston College this fall. So…GA Tech may not be much different. Bucknell and Lehigh, which someone mentioned above, are VERY fratty.

I’d like to go back to the first part of your message, having to do with your mother and “others around you.” Could it be possible that difficulties in your relationship with them is affecting your happiness, and that that would be the case no matter which college you attend? My advice: Go back to UVA and make a commitment to it. If you have one foot out the door, then you can’t embrace it while you are there. Second year is so much different at any college. You just need to find your peeps. It’s a big school. They’re out there. And please see a therapist – outside of CAPS – to explore the issues with your family and their lack of confidence in you.

15

I would agree that perhaps finding schools that do not have the specific culture that you are referencing could be a good thing. For instance I went to William & Mary, right down the pond and although roughly the same percentage of students were involved in Greek Life, the culture was very different. I think you should focus on schools that have the type of culture that you are looking for – and given other posters impressions, expanding beyond just Georgia Tech. I would also consider talking to someone in the counseling department to help you deal with some of the other issues – the great thing about college is that it is pretty much free at most places. The great news is, you’re doing very well in school so that should set you up nicely wherever you decide to go from here.

16

@JimERussler , we are all pulling for you and hoping that things improve, whatever path you decide to take. Also remember that, while it’s smart and admirable to seek a healthy environment for yourself that aligns with your preferences, that may not always be possible at a given time in your life. Like high school, college is not the “be all, end all” time of life for many people.

I, too, went to a college where people were much more into drinking than I was. I did join some on campus organizations (newspaper, political club) and TA’d for some professors, but I honestly never really felt like my interests aligned with most people on campus. Nevertheless, I still benefited from many aspects of my college years.

For me, getting a job during college helped fill a number of goals - social interaction, structure outside of class, and an excuse not to go to parties (I worked in restaurants at night). Things got somewhat better in grad school, but there was still a lot of partying there. The reality is that drinking is a huge part of our culture and people who don’t drink are few and far between. I actually do drink, but less than most people I know and a minimal amount, I still struggle with reconciling my personal preferences and things I enjoy doing with society at large, if I’m being honest.

Anyway, good luck to you and thank you for sharing your struggles. As my kids would say, very relatable.

17

Thank you all for reading. I just wanted to let you know I haven’t responded to everything yet because I’ve been a little busy, just know I haven’t abandoned this thread just yet

18

I was part of the class of 2021 and I completely agree about your perspective on UVa’s student culture and diversity. I had a similar experience and thought I will never go back, although I thought that the school was academically superb and most classes were enjoyable. I decided to transfer out of the college for a smaller institution with more diversity and while I understand your reasons for not transferring, you should still seriously consider it as you can still transfer for junior year at G-tech. I think that potentially working more months than other people to compensate for some lost transfer credits is way better than having to return to a less than desirable experience that you are familiar with (although I have to say aside from student culture UVa is an excellent school).

1 Like
19

Thanks ifownly. I think you’re right. I’m extremely fed up with the culture.

From the day I first visited UVA I felt an overwhelming air of pretentiousness. Dressing up for football games, calling campus “grounds,” the secret societies, ugh. Campus guides and people there told me “oh only a third of people are involved in Greek Life here, it’s not that big” but no. That was a lie. When you think about all the people who participate in frat parties and go to bars and participate in that culture, the number is certainly much higher. At best, that statistic is misleading.

The lack of diversity is stunning. People here talk about how it seems that way because people “self segregate” but from everyone I’ve talked to, they self segregate because UVA’s culture is isolating. If you don’t drink the koolaid and don’t get trashed every weekend, your first year is especially hard on you socially, so you just retract into a group of people who are most likely to be like you. This is what I’ve heard from several people at the MSA and among some other friends.

Honestly even the campus sets me off at this point. People say it has a “southern charm” but it seriously just feels like a converted plantation (minus the engineering part of campus"). I think I’ve realized that I will have to actively work to even tolerate all of it.

Unless something major happens this semester, I am probably going to set my sights on a better engineering school like UMich, or maybe Gatech. I have heard and read the culture is vastly better at UMich.

1 Like
20

UMich also has a stunning lack of diversity. It’s illegal in Michigan to consider racial or ethic background in college admissions. So the schools cannot try to assemble a diverse class. And it is very apparent. Also … people are in frats and sororities in Mich.Football is big. Tailgates. Grass is not greener.