WANTED: your super duper essay editing skills

Read this and tell me what you think of it. Questions, comments, and constructive criticism are all greatly appreciated!

Personal statement for the Common App (the significant experience prompt)
WORD COUNT: 973
CHARACTERS: 5,563

STARDUST

*Last March I was faced with the daunting task of spring cleaning, thanks to my parents’ latest undertaking: eliminating household dust. My dad had proclaimed my room free of the offending particles after he had given it a thorough vacuuming - no part of it was left unscathed, not the ceiling, the walls, or even the door. I was then charged with tidying the remaining debris; the flotsam and jetsam of my life that had accumulated in unstable piles atop bookshelves, in corners, and under furniture. I attacked them at first with a vengeance, with the Red Hot Chili Peppers providing the perfect backdrop for my antics. But my progress soon slowed as I began to cast a closer eye on the clutter of years long past.

<pre><code>I am a packrat. Nestled in the nooks and crannies of my room were volumes of miscellany: old school projects and unfinished diary entries, letters from friends and forgotten musings in sketchbooks. An hour into my recovery efforts, painstakingly sorted piles appeared -testaments of reason and organization in the face of the madness that was my bedroom. In stark contrast to the neat stacks of paper surrounding it was a haphazard mound of glow in the dark figurines and other oddities – a pile that I had mentally titled “Keep for Sentimental Reasons”.
</code></pre>

Each item there was discovered in a giddy moment of serendipity and pored over for a few golden minutes, awash in nostalgia. To the casual observer, I probably looked ridiculous, smiling and cradling a jar of dusty pebbles as if it was my firstborn. That humble jar sent me back to the second grade, rummaging through rocks at the playground with some other amateur geologists, pretending to find agate and jade in ordinary stones. In a way I was still doing that, searching for precious stones of memory amongst scraps of paper and Ziploc bags. I was reclaiming parts of myself that I had accidentally discarded.

In a binder my younger self had ingeniously titled ‘Personal Stuff’, I found pages and pages of facts and figures on astronomy. There were charts of constellations and photocopied articles about our solar system, all meticulously compiled. Apparently all this had been of great importance to me eight years ago. Not surprising, since I collect information and blaze through any subject that catches my interest like a rabid squirrel. Vague recollections began trickling back as I studied the star maps with growing interest and fondness. The memory of one summer night spent stargazing stuck me with particular clarity.

That night, my dad heard a radio report proclaiming that the planet Venus was visible to all in the Western Hemisphere for a limited time. Father and daughter ended up outside, necks craned upwards for hours, attempting to find it amidst all the other similar looking specks of light in the night sky. Venus was a sneaky planet. We were inept astronomers. By the fluorescent light of a street lamp, we mulled over star charts pulled off the Internet. Which way was North, anyways? We found the Big Dipper, only to lose sight of it half an hour later. We traced our bumbling course across the sky with pointing fingers, hopelessly lost and greatly confused. The only constant was the constellation of Orion, the three bright stars of his belt guiding our wavering path. To this day, it is the only star formation I can find with relative ease. Wherever I go, its familiar shape jumps out at me from the jumble of other stars, unchanged since that summer night. It seems fixed in time, like my memories – a constant reminder of the past, as well as a comforting symbol of stability for the future.

My dad and I never got any better at stargazing. I abandoned the idea of becoming an astronomer. It was just as easy to get lost in astrophysics as it was in a tangle of constellations, both of which I was getting very good at. However, that has not stopped me from turning my eyes skyward. Looking at the night sky is more humbling for me than standing before the ocean. I know that those tiny pricks of brightness are in reality giant balls of burning gases, inconceivably far away. The light that reaches my eyes is billions of years old. I am not looking at the present - I am staring far into the distant past.

Those stars are burning hydrogen and helium deep within their cores, simple elements that are also a part of me. I’m coupled with the rest of the cosmos in an especially profound way – the building blocks of those stars and galaxies are exactly the same as the chemicals that make up the very structure of my body. I am made of stardust. Whenever I glance up at the sky and the stars, I am sensing a connection that’s too ancient for my mind to properly comprehend. This is much deeper than looking through piles of childhood memories that span only a few years, yet this is also very much the same.

By glimpsing into the past, I am cementing myself more firmly in the present. I have the distance of years to look back, reevaluate, and relive my experiences. I am not just the person I am right now – I am also a collection of thoughts, feelings, and experiences spread out over sixteen years’ worth of time. I dig through my past, literally and figuratively, and find forgotten jewels of childhood memories. On a considerably grander scheme, I turn my sights to the stars, and connect myself to a much greater span of years. I’m seeing the history of the universe, painted out for me across the sky. I am going back, but by doing so I am also finding myself, maturing and growing and going forward.*

thanks for reading. :slight_smile:

PS: Plagiarize and I will personally hunt you down and RIP YOUR FACE OFF.

<p>Correction to PS: You would rip the person's face off like a "rabid squirrel." :p </p>

<p>I really liked your essay. It was a bit wordy (for lack of a better word, thesaurus-like) at times, but overall I thought it was highly effective and original. I think most admissions officers can identify with your essay, and I'm fairly confident they'll love it. </p>

<p>
[quote]
I am made of stardust...

[/quote]

I've always thought this was a pretty cool thought. The same atoms making up our bodies could have come from stars an unbelievable distance away. As a sidenote, have you read Heartlight by T.A. Barron? It deals with a similar topic.</p>

<p>I think it's a bit too long...
if you try to edit it down 200 words, it will be more concise and probably better.
Otherwise I think it is a great essay- descriptive and interesting. Good job</p>

<p>don't call it stardust</p>

<p>
[quote]
don't call it stardust

[/quote]
</p>

<p>um, okay. may I ask why you think that?</p>

<p>warblersrule: No, I haven't read that book, but it seems like I should add it to my "Books To Read Before I Die" list! thanks for your comments, I'm glad you enjoyed it.</p>

<p>zante: Thanks for the feedback. Yes, word count was one of my main concerns about this essay. It was 100 words longer, but after some pruning I got it down to 900something. But it looks like I'll have to do some more heavy duty cutting! </p>

<p>do you have any suggestions as to what I could cut out/shorten without ruining the overall message of the essay?</p>

<p>okay nevermind. i thought it sounded corny but then i actually read your essay (lol) and decided it sounds fine. </p>

<p>p.s. i sent you a private message. I thouroughly went over your essay but need to send it via email (used colored fonts and stuff). Your essay is excellent but you (as previously mentioned) have wordiness issues, some tangential information, and some grammatical errors.</p>

<p>I've made a few comments below, some of which will give you the idea of how to cut this a little. But in general, I think it's beautiful.</p>

<p>You don't need "debris" plus "flotsam and jetsam"--pick one.</p>

<p>"I attacked them at first with a vengeance, with the Red Hot Chili Peppers providing the perfect backdrop for my antics" Vengeance & antics don't really go together.</p>

<p>"Nestled in the nooks and crannies of my room..." Unless you really have nooks and crannies, get rid of the phrase and maybe use a more realistic word for "nestled." </p>

<p>"Each item there was discovered in a giddy moment of serendipity and pored over for a few golden minutes, awash in nostalgia." You can omit "in a giddy moment of serendipity." And YOU are awash in nostalgia; the items and minutes aren't...</p>

<p>You don't need "to the casual observer."</p>

<p>"It was just as easy to get lost in astrophysics as it was in a tangle of constellations, both of which I was getting very good at." Do you mean you were good at getting lost...?</p>

<p>"This is much deeper than looking through piles of childhood memories that span only a few years, yet this is also very much the same." It's a lovely idea but the sentence needs to be stronger, especially the end.</p>

<p>Thanks everyone for their feedback! I'm editing it right now...I will post an edited version after I'm done. :)</p>

<p>isnt the common app word limit 250-500 words?</p>

<p>The Common App doesn't restrict how many words you put into your application. It's freeflowing, more or less.</p>

<p>I liked your essay, but like ZD, I don't agree with the length of the essay. Shorten it about 200-250 words.</p>

<p>Draft 2</p>

<p>WORD COUNT: 744
*Last March I was faced with the daunting task of cleaning my room. Sure, it had been vacuumed and dusted weekly, but the years of slipping unwanted papers under the bed and old school projects into the closet had taken their toll. The price was tidiness and I was deeply in debt. The sheer volume of clutter was alarming. I attacked the mess with a vengeance, with The Red Hot Chili Peppers blasting away in my ears, providing the perfect frenetic backdrop. But my progress soon slowed as I began to cast a closer eye on the debris of years long past. </p>

<pre><code>In giddy moments of serendipity, I discovered treasures buried in the form of old diary entries, forgotten musings in sketchbooks, and letters from childhood pen pals. I probably looked ridiculous, smiling and cradling a jar of dusty pebbles as if it was the Holy Grail. That humble jar sent me back to the second grade, pretending to find agate and jade in ordinary playground gravel with other amateur geologists. And now, I was still doing that, searching for precious stones of memory amongst scraps of paper and Ziploc bags. I was reclaiming parts of myself that I had inadvertently discarded.

</code></pre>

<p>My greatest find was a binder entitled “Personal Stuff”, which contained meticulously compiled charts of constellations and photocopied articles on our solar system. Vague recollections trickled back as I studied the star maps with growing interest and fondness. I remembered one summer night spent stargazing with particular clarity. That evening, my dad had heard a radio report proclaiming that the planet Venus was visible to the entire Western Hemisphere. Father and daughter ventured outside, necks craned upwards for hours, attempting to find it amidst the other similar looking specks of light in the sky. </p>

<p>Venus was a sneaky planet. We were inept astronomers. By the fluorescent light of a street lamp, we mulled over star charts pulled off the Internet. Which way was North, anyways? We found the Big Dipper, only to lose sight of it half an hour later. We traced our bumbling course across the sky with pointing fingers, hopelessly lost and greatly confused. The only constant was the constellation of Orion, the three bright stars of his belt guiding our wavering path. To this day, it is the only star formation I can find with relative ease. It seems fixed in time, like my memories – a constant reminder of the past, as well as a comforting symbol of stability for the future.</p>

<p>My dad and I never got any better at stargazing. It’s still incredibly easy for me to get lost in a tangle of constellations. However, that has not stopped me from turning my eyes skyward. Looking at the night sky is more humbling for me than standing before the ocean. I know that those tiny pricks of brightness are in reality giant balls of burning gases, inconceivably far away. The light that reaches my eyes is that of billions of years ago. I am not looking at the present; I am staring far into the distant past. </p>

<p>Those stars burn hydrogen and helium deep within their cores - simple elements that are also a part of me. I am coupled with the rest of the cosmos in a profound way. The building blocks of those stars and galaxies are the same chemicals that make up the very structure of my body. I am made of stardust. Whenever I glance up at the sky and the stars, I am sensing a connection that’s too ancient for my mind to properly comprehend. It is deeper than looking through piles of childhood memories that have spanned only a few years, yet it is also very much the same. </p>

<p>By glimpsing into the past, I am cementing myself more firmly in the present. I have the distance of years to look back, reevaluate, and relive my experiences. I am not just the person I am right now. I am a collection of thoughts, feelings, and experiences spread out over sixteen years’ worth of time. I dig through my past, literally and figuratively, and find forgotten jewels of childhood memories. I also turn my sights to the stars, and connect myself to a much greater span of years. I’m seeing the history of the universe, painted out for me across the sky. I am going back, but by doing so I am also finding myself, maturing and growing and going forward.*</p>

<p>i like it, but it's very wordy still. You can easily cut back 100+ words just by putting together certain setences and cutting back redundant phrases or ones you can take away without losing its meaning. ie; "as well as" could be "and", "hopelessly lost and greatly confused" could lose an adjective. stuff like that adds up. good luck.</p>

<p>I liked it when your dad appeared in the opening paragraph since your relationship with him is a theme running through the essay.</p>

<p>where'd flotsam adn jetsum go!?</p>

<p>I was having problems with the intro. I still am. The more I think about it, the more I like my old one and the less I like this new one. I'll have to strike a better balance between the old one and this new one, I guess. back to the drawing board!</p>

<p>Actually, the online common app says to write a 250-500 word essay, but the box itself doesn't restrict you.</p>

<p>I think this will work fine as a generic personal statement but the prompt asks for something more specific, like describe a significant experience, the experience you choose to potray seems a little petty.</p>

<p>just my $0.02</p>

<p>well, i liked the essay, except i really think you should at least prune it to 600 or so. i also liked the stardust idea, thought you should use back that one.</p>