I have been wondering if anyone has any advice on how to politely avoid answering questions about where a student is applying. DD is a junior and she – and my husband and I – have already been asked to name schools to which she’s interested in applying. So far we’re all really vague and say things like “she’s really not sure,” or, “oh, all over” or “in the eastern time zone” (we’re on the east coast), but I hear that the grilling will only intensify over the summer and in the fall.
Related, what’s the best way to avoid answering the question of where she is applying early, once we are in the thick of the fall application season?
My post needed some editing. We may very well end up in one of those schools. It’s just that it puts a end to the inquisition due to the fact everyone usually applies at those schools. I didn’t like the sound of my post but it was too late to edit.
Sometimes it’s not a “nosy, weird” question. Sometimes it’s just a means of making conversation. I found myself doing it with my kid’s friends. I now try not to ask, but with my kids being in a college prep high school, it is something to talk about.
You could just say something like it being a stressful topic so you are trying to focus on other things, and then ask where their little snowflake is applying. They often only ask you so they can talk about their own kid’s search anyway. However, your kid’s list will probably be known anyway, because she will tell a couple of close friends, who will tell others.
I have talked about colleges a lot of over the past years - mostly I was trying to learn and never was I interested in judging the responses. I was always happy to share when people asked me. For the most part, I tried to steer the conversation to schools that may not be so widely known - because that was the type of schools that I wanted to learn more about. It was really helpful to me to hear about schools from parents of other juniors. We should be in this together!
Ten minutes after I read this thread I went to dinner with DW and DD and we ran into a former co-worker (boss) of DW. One of the first things she asked was where DD was applying. I had a hard time not chuckling.
I actually enjoy when people ask about her choices because I really think they are interested and not just being nosy. I also, admittedly, like being able to answer with the nice choices that she has. I am proud of her and don’t mind sharing.
OP it is okay to keep your cards close to your chest in the competitive environment of your child’s HS.
“We are waiting for our snowflake to figure out her major before she narrows down her college list. What about your special snowflake, where is she thinking of applying?”
“I graduated from X University and have been lobbying for snowflake to follow in my footsteps, but you never know with kids these days…”
“It is so hard to find time to sit down with snowflake and discuss colleges. She is so busy with debate and lacrosse and volunteering…”
“One day she’s wanting to take off across the country, and the next it seems our large state flagship is her favorite. I don’t know when she will get serious about narrowing down her top choices.”
“She’s still focusing on studying for her SAT/ACT right now, so we haven’t put pressure on her to look seriously at her college list yet.”
“She is casting a wide net to make sure she has choices come spring of senior year. She’s talked about so many great schools, I am sure she will find one that suits her well.”
And if all else fails, do what the politicians do and tell them “I can’t recall…”
These phrases may not work for your situation, but hopefully they can be a springboard for coming up with ideas on your own that work for you.
If your daughter shares your concerns about keeping her list quiet, I would encourage you to speak with your daughter about ways she can deflect college questions.
Just toss out a few undramatic applications. Use your safeties. Without drama, there’s not much to worry about. What are they going to say down the road?
“Hey! Your Missy got into Harvard! Why didn’t you tell us she was applying there”?
I’d just mention the schools she’ll be applying to that she knows she’ll get into. They don’t need your entire list. They’re just making conversation. We are dealing with people questioning why my daughter is going to study nursing at a private school on the other side of the state. People want to know why she isn’t going to go to the private school 90 minutes away. A lot of people around here send their kids to this school and they give us advice on what our daughter should maybe do instead. They aren’t being rude. They are sharing their positive experiences. We just say that while she really liked the local one, she loved the one 4 hours away and we did too. The truth is that the local school seems nice if you don’t visit any other schools. Once you visit a few other schools, you realize it is over-priced and it’s facilities are lacking in comparison. We could list many things we don’t like about it, but we don’t because too many people around here attended it and liked it. I have found that people really do like to talk about where their kids attended or are attending. Around where I live people just don’t have college competitive attitudes. They’re generally glad for your kid.
“She’s looking at a few different places” is good too.
If it makes you cranky or nervous to talk about it, one of those should work. If anyone bothers you about either answer, it’s their problem that they are rude and you have a right not to answer.
I always choose just one or two less selective schools that I applied as an answer to this question. That way, there is less pressure to get into my top choices - no one will even know if I’m rejected.
@powercropper, thanks for your great list - and how did you know that “snowflake” is my favorite term for other people’s brilliant children?
Yes, my own special snowflake and I began talking about how to handle the “where are you applying” question when she fielded persistent questioning about her SAT score this fall (she did manage to dodge the questions without ever answering).
So far we’ve also come up with “oh, you know, the usual.” And as a stress release, we also enjoy making up fictitious schools such as “East Dakotalina State A&M Tech” that could potentially be used to confuse people who are pushy about asking.
Interestingly, @JustOneDad, I did hear parents complaining about a child last year who had the nerve to pretend she was not applying anywhere early, and then was “outed” to some classmates when she was seen leaving an alumni interview in November.
The takeaway is that a lot of parents at DD’s school have WAY too much time on their hands to be so concerned about other kids’ applications.
Funny thing for me was that my top choice school (WSU in Kansas) was about #7 on the list of my friend (we are both going into AeroE and apparently researched the same schools.) Only thing was, I didn’t bother applying to the reaches like he did (USAFA, MIT, Cornell, etc.) One person seemed surprised that I only applied to two colleges.
When we first adopted my son as an infant, I rapidly came to a life altering realization: I don’t owe anyone an answer to their questions. If I’m in the mood, fine. But if not, or if I question the reasoning behind the question, then I’m free to opt out.
“Why do you ask?” is a great way to deflect a question. Followed by “I’m not really sure.”
@BrownHopeful27 Right. I suspect anxiety about success or worthiness has way more to do with people’s sense of what’s “nosy” or not. Reason being, that after decision day, successful admits don’t seem to be near as shy about telling.
