I feel the same way. I don’t go by the whole “cost of the gift should match the cost of the plate” thing. I think it’s a very odd expectation, who the heck came up with that?
Like @twoinanddone said, what do you do if the wedding was a cheaper less lavish wedding? What if the couple is poor? What about if the wedding is a huge over the top wedding and the couple is well-off?
My gift budget is what I decide. I don’t give gifts to cover my plate at the wedding. It’s the couples choice to have a wedding and who and how many people to invite. Sorry to sound resentful, I just think the cost of the plate shouldn’t even be consideration for giving gifts…
@CollegeNerd67 I’d say for those second weddings where the couples are established, maybe give a nice bottle of wine, or tickets to an experience. I’ve been to some second or even third weddings where it said “gifts aren’t necessary” on the invitation. I had a friend who got remarried in her 50’s (this was the 2nd marriage for her and husband) and she had a small ceremony with just her and her husband’s kids (from their last marriages) and their immediate families. A few days later they had a backyard luncheon to celebrate with extended family and friends. They said that no gifts were necessary. We gave them a card and a potted plant. Some people gave gift cards to nice restaurants, bottles of wine… and some just brought cards.
I rarely give a check, but if I did it wouldn’t be based on the size, type or cost of the wedding. It would be based on the relationship with the bride and groom (relative, friend, co-worker). A niece or nephew would the same whether the wedding was casual or formal.
I like choosing a gift for the person (bridal couple, birthday, retirement, baby). That gift might be more like money (tickets to the theater), but is usually something I searched for. Even when I was poor, I liked to give artisan gifts like a quiche dish or handmade breadbasket. For baby showers, I almost always give a quilt and some baby blankets (I make them by the dozens).
My friend jokes about the summer she went to 11 bridal showers. Everyone got a salad spinner! The lady at the department store would just reach for one when she saw friend walking in.
I find the cover your plate concept very odd (and dare I say distasteful?) and would never want my guests to know what I’ve spent in order to entertain them.
I prefer to follow my own gift giving guidelines whether the event is a showstopper or a cake and punch reception in the church basement. I give everyone a nice gift, but definitely give more to the people I’m particularly close to regardless of the type of wedding.
My son was very recently married with a weekend destination wedding. Every single guest was included in 3 days of events and the cost per person was quite high. I certainly wouldn’t expect anyone to gift them that amount and I’m pretty certain no one did.
And this is why I shouldn’t have brought it up, it’s a pretty longstanding cultural tradition that if not for the internet, would’ve remained in this little pocket of the US. I’ve done a little research, I think it made its way overseas from counties like Italy and Ireland, the majority of this area was made up of these immigrants. No punch mints and nuts in church basements here (not that there is anything wrong with that). No one is asking others to adhere to traditions of other cultures, and now with the world becoming much smaller, I’ve seen weddings here become less traditional (norm is church followed by reception with cocktail hour, open bar, multiple course sit down dinner, dancing), although I’ve seen brides in other regions try to pull off the 5 figure affair, thinking the guests are going to pay for the wedding (by asking for cash gifts, that’s a no no). It’s fine for areas to have their own traditions, it’s not hurting anyone. It’s interesting how it seems to upset people who it doesn’t even affect.
As I’ve gotten older, the monetary value of gifts has generally increased and is somewhat determined by how close I am to the person receiving the gift. I think we have a relatively “set” amount we give to most close relatives (think nieces and nephews) as they get married, and the cost of the wedding doesn’t play into that. When I was younger I stuck to what I could afford. Now that I’m older, I can afford more, and often spend more on younger people than I spent when I was a similar age to them, even though I was closer to the receiver back then. I encourage young people to spend what they can afford and not worry about “covering the plate” or keeping up with what others are giving.
I could be totally off base because I certainly wasn’t a “high profile” bride. Maybe a daughter of a celebrity, top business person or politician in the local community (or beyond) ,fancy degrees and jobs , etc? The kind of stuff that gets you noticed.
@Mjkacmom _ I grew up in Northern Illinois (but not Chicago). First time I heard of “covering the plate” was a few years back when someone mentioned it here on cc.
I have no idea if this is done anymore or not (I’ll ask my mil), but in our Southern state where dh and I were married, the main newspaper (distributed throughout the state) featured engagements, marriages, and significant anniversaries in the Sunday edition. These were in the, “society” section of the paper. The, “High Profile,” bride was the one featured on the front of that section with a full spread of colored photos and a write up about the wedding. Full details of the wedding gown, names of attendants, description of bouquets, educational levels, honeymoon destination, etc.
I first heard of the “cover your plate” method of determining gift value while living in NYC. Honestly cannot say whether the sharer of this stress-inducing gift determinant practiced it or was just passing on what she’d heard. Wedding gifts were a major source of worry when we were young, poor, and had "fabulous " friends. My sister left Bloomingdale’s in tears after being told that she couldn’t possibly give the only gift she could afford from the registry because it wasn’t expensive enough…
I agree. I don’t know where this came from but I was raised in NY and it was the norm for weddings (as an aside, my mother-in-law also kept a running list of what she gave for the weddings of her friends’ kids, and made sure her friends gave the same for our wedding She then gave me a similar list after my wedding, so I could reference it when invited to my friends’ weddings!)
The cover-your-plate friend that I mentioned above was ready to write a check for $250 for our friend’s 2nd wedding this weekend. It’s in an upscale town and I’m sure the reception will be nice, but we have no idea how much the cost is for each “plate” or if there will even be a plate (I know there’s food & drink but maybe it’s heavy appetizers - we have no idea). It’s also small - 60 people. Still seems absurd to write a $250 check to someone who is 55 and financially comfortable (her husband to be is in his 60’s and very well off). These two friends will be at my daughter’s wedding and I wouldn’t want them to write a $250 check to her. I almost feel like the dollar value of the plate should be stated on the wedding invite
Oh yeah - I remember reading stories like that in the Washington Post each week, maybe in the Style section. I don’t know if they still do that or not.
I just co-hosted a bridal shower. There were 3 of us “older” hosts plus the maid of honor whose budget was tight. The MOH did the bulk of the pre-planning stuff (ordered/sent the invitations, handled the online RSVPs, kept the spreadsheets, sent a reminder email, ordered the decorations) and the “older” hosts prepared and paid for the “day of” food, champagne, party gift for attendees (cute little champagne bottles we decorated for each guest) and the three older hosts together bought the shower gift for the bride (we spent together about $200 on the gift) and said it was from all 4 of us though we didn’t let the MOH pay anything. For the wedding the 3 older hosts decided to go in together on an expensive item on their registry (a $600 + tax dyson vacuum that was out of stock on many sites and was a challenge to find!) If we hadn’t gone in together on the gift I’d have probably spent about $250-$300 on a gift. My DS#2 is friends with the groom, is flying across country to attend the bachelor party and wedding, and spent $$$$$$$ on a wedding gift!
Well…in small towns, all weddings were reported that way. I still have the article about our wedding…described my dress, the bridesmaid dresses, the MOB and MOG clothing, flowers, reception, officiant…and get this…listed all the out of town guests and where they came from. I (the bride) met with the bridal section writer before the wedding to give her all the details. It was also customary to invite her to the wedding…which I did.
She then gave me a similar list after my wedding, so I could reference it when invited to my friends’ weddings!)
