Cash, checks and similar gifts have long been popular in Hawaii for nearly all events and occasions. Weddings are no exception. For shower, a physical gift of someone sort is more common, as well as opening gifts in front of guests with oohs and aahs.
What is, “Cover the plate”? I have never heard this term.
I was a “High Profile,” bride.
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Cover the plate means that your monetary gift should at least be enough to cover your host’s cost of your attendance. So if the venue charged $150 pp, your gift should reflect that (and before folks chime in about guests contacting the venue to inquire about the going rate, no, that’s not a thing, but locals have a general idea).
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Hog girl, that means having an idea of what the cost for you was, and making sure you sent a gift costing more than that. For example, my close GF is hosting a bridal shower for her DD. She shared that each platter cost $60, plus flowers and extras. So, somewhere between $60-70 would cover my plate.
It gets questionable, when a wedding platter can be $200 plus all the extras. If you come with someone, a spouse or SO, that could be $500. To cover your plate. IMHO
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Oh, there was a woman on a board I was on, from the Chicago area, who always called and asked the price per plate and paid that. She said everyone did it, and if the club or restaurant said it was $73 per plate, that’s what she paid. If one niece paid $73 and she and husband attended, it was $146 (maybe she rounded up) but if another niece’s plate was only $45, that niece only got $90.
I thought it was insane.
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As toddlers, skimom accepted that as a valid reason from neither my brother nor I. 
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I would LOVE it!!! What I remember most about when DH and I got married (26 years ago next month) was how many friends and family members came from so far to celebrate with us! My cousin bought plane tickets and flew across the country with 3 little kids. That was my gift! I certainly didn’t care about a toaster or a check because I was just so appreciative of their effort to be there.
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Same thing i usually do but I personally give gift by meeting not send them.
@kjofkw , I had a friend who did this about 25 years ago. Married in the beautiful park in her hometown. We all had "jobs’ related to set-up. – I worked on flower arranging and setting up the buffet. It was a fun way to socialize with friends who were there and to get to know the bride’s sisters.
I have been to quite a few Quaker weddings. The Meeting (as in members bringing items) will often provide food for socializing afterwards. There may be a separate, more elegant reception somewhere else, but the ceremony itself is simple as is the gathering of community afterwards. I really enjoy these – they really are a community’s celebration of the couple more than a spectacle, and they feel so personal.
With that said, I would generally give the couple gifts from their registry unless I knew them really well. My personal favorite “off’
-registry” gifts were a chair someone caned and an aluminum wheelbarrow for gardening.
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I’m not in that area so I can’t comment on if everyone there does it, but here in the NYC metro area it’s more of a guessing game (and wedding reception are usually held at banquet halls, with many options so it would be hard to figure out exact price, depending upon liquor selection, cocktail hour options, meal options, desserts (Viennese table?). I remember going to my first weddings out of college (most wedding are for adults only with the exception of kids in the wedding), and the go-to was $100 pp (after quietly asking friends what they were giving, writing the check on the way to the reception, hoping it was the right amount). Of course it really didn’t matter at all what you gave. It’s the same as buying a gift for a child’s birthday party, I think everyone has their typical gift based on the situation and personal relationship.
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My daughter has a wide variety of items and prices on her registry. Nothing obscenely expensive, IMO. They also added options to purchase experiences for their honeymoon, like dinner at X restaurant in Kauai or cocktails at X rooftop bar in Maui or a luau at X resort (again, a variety of price points). A lot of people have already purchased the honeymoon-related items so they must like the idea. I think some people have an issue with purchasing things that aren’t tangible items. I know my MIL could not wrap her head around buying a ticket to a luau instead of a toaster oven.
A friend of hers took it to another level and listed opportunities on her registry to pay for actual wedding costs - like you could contribute to the cost of the flowers or the open bar. It seems a little farther “off-brand” than what is considered wedding etiquette although arguably, it might not be much different than asking for cash for a house down payment or honeymoon experiences. Nonetheless, as a guest, I would feel more comfortable knowing that the couple can actually afford the wedding without my contribution (I mean just have a cash bar to begin with if you’re asking guests to contribute anyway).
I’m going to a friend’s 2nd wedding this weekend and always struggle with just giving a check to a peer who is comfortable financially, has an established home and doesn’t register for anything. I talked to another friend who is of the “Cover your plate” mentality and managed to convert her to buying the couple something more meaningful - she came up with the fantastic idea of buying them a subscription to their local theatre, which brings in a variety of music and stage shows and I got them a wine-themed gift with handblown glasses, a carafe, a hand-carved charcuterie board and hardcover “wine & cheese pairings” themed book.
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I would have used the word "tacky.’
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The couple going to Hawaii for their honeymoon took the time to be specific about experiences. Similarly, the theater tickets also appeals to me. These are happy gifts.
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We did attend a wedding a few years ago where the couple specified that they did not expect gifts. They also did not ask guests to bring any food or drink (they served a lovely dinner and had an open bar). They really just wanted people to attend and celebrate with them!
They did say if your really felt you needed to give them a gift that they would appreciate contributing to the honeymoon experience. That’s what we did - paid for 2 nights in the hotel. We were happy to do that as we knew they lived in a small place (and were planning to move to another small place) and really didn’t need/have room for stuff.
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We were at a family wedding where the couple really needed absolutely nothing. They asked that folks contribute to one of three listed charities. So we did.
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I know exactly what this means!
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My friends had 3 different ideas on their ‘registry’: 1. contribution to Doctors without Borders, 2. contribution to trees for their backyard (they wanted a row of trees to block highway noise) or 3. a traditional registry with very expensive china, so people would only buy a bowl or a plate, not the whole place setting.
I think they got the most contributions to the tree fund. I know that they never use the china although it is displayed on a shelf (it’s beautiful). They were a couple in their 40s, living in a house that was his grandmothers, so they didn’t need anything for the house (except the trees).
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But then it sounds like ‘everyone’ in NY area just decides that a wedding gift check should be $100/pp or $250/family since you don’t know how elaborate the wedding is going to be until you get there and see the desserts or wines and by then the check is already written.
Would you give less if the wedding seemed cheaper? If the reception was held in a KofC hall and more if it were at a country club?
My kids and I were invited to a Bat Mitzvah and I know the ‘plate’ price was $77. There was no way I was giving a check for $250. It was their choice to host and I was a guest. I gave the gift I thought was appropriate for the occasion, not based on the value of the ‘experience’ of the $77 plate of spaghetti.
I have amount set in my mind at this point in my life, and it ranged depending on different things like closeness. I’m not covering my plate at a super expensive venue for a co-worker, I’m not giving $50 to my husband’s cousin with s backyard wedding in western CT. Does anyone decide on what to give by pulling numbers out of a hat? If you are giving an actual gift, dies it always have the same value regardless of closeness to the couple? I’ve attended weddings here that might’ve been $75 pp, and $250 pp, most have probably been in the middle. Giving cash means you can’t find a nice sale item, it’s a dollar amount. Most important is to give what you can afford. If you were invited to a wedding, what would you base your check amount on?
ETA, people joke about not filling in the check until they get to the reception, I do think it’s just a joke.