<p>With your newfound epiphany, maybe you can help your son…</p>
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<p>I think I’m relatively lucky (much moreso since finding this board, I’d say!); but I should point out that while my parents were well educated, we weren’t rich growing up–in fact, when they were still both in grad school (when I was a preschooler) we were on food stamps. And while becoming assistant professors raised our income, we never lived in the suburbs or in a house bigger than about 2,000 square feet or worth even as much as the median U.S. house, I’m certain; nor did we have nice new cars or take fancy vacations (we packed everyone up in the station wagon and stayed in Motel 6, despite my sister and I pleading for a place with a pool).</p>
<p>And though there’s no question that my mom loves me (my dad has been deceased since I was 15), she has also been extremely harshly critical of me over the years for my lazy ways. (A couple times I felt like snarking at oldfort, “Mom, is that you?” LOL) But then she was raised by a father who was even more severe, critical, and demanding; so I’m sure she sees herself as fairly moderate in that respect.</p>
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<p>Fishymom, can you tell me what you don’t like about the medications’ effects? It’s good for me to hear this as a reality check before I expect it to be a panacea and set myself up for possible disappointment.</p>
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<p>Is this supposed to be referring to me?!? When did I say I refuse to take medication? I never before entering this thread had the remotest inkling there was medication that would be in any way helpful to me or my son. Now I’m very anxious to try it, and even more hopeful it can help my son! I know you posted this before I had my “epiphany”; but even before that I don’t recall ever saying I would flat out refuse to consider medication. </p>
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<p>Those are great suggestions, mom60, and you make valid points. I do want to point out though that before we got married, I was very very emphatic with my then-girlfriend that she should really think long and hard about whether she wants to be with someone like me over the long haul. I didn’t try to mislead her at all; we lived together for two years before getting married, and she knew exactly what she was getting into but still did so wholeheartedly. I know: I’m very fortunate! But I don’t think I’m just some huge parasite on her: she tends to get stressed out a lot, and I can often make her feel better by making her laugh, doing something fun together like tennis, fixing her a drink and rubbing her back, etc. Plus, we have a great love life (I’ll keep it G-rated and leave it at that). We also have very similar political views, and are both hardcore atheists (it’s not easy for atheists–especially those that are not at all “agnostic”–to find kindred “souls”). I’d also like to mention that despite what most of you probably assume, I was the one that ended the first marriage; my first wife strongly wanted to stick it out but I couldn’t take the wild mood swings any more (I’m pretty mellow and even keeled most of the time and I intensely dislike drama, shouting, etc. even if apologies are proffered soon afterward).</p>
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<p>Oooh, that’s really good, ADad! Extremely incisive. I think you posted this before I posted much the same conclusion about my problem with blogging, didn’t you?</p>
<p>I will definitely have to give serious thought to your suggestions, given how perceptive and thoughtful you seem to be.</p>
<p>On to your next question:</p>
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<p>I wouldn’t want him to get so frustrated and stressed out about “underachieving” in school. I wouldn’t want him to struggle economically the way I have. And most of all, I wouldn’t want him to deal with the opprobrium I have had directed at me over the years (I had intended but forgot to note as an aside, for instance, that my wife’s Scandinavian-American-Midwestern relatives, one generation off the farm and steeped in a tradition of a strong work ethic, were generally unsuccessful at hiding their dismay over her choice of mate). As I said, I’m pretty tough, but it still gets to me at times; and I know my son is much more likely than I am to take said opprobrium very hard. My heart aches to think about him going through that.</p>
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<p>Indeed! 
The only (well, not the only) thing that concerns me is that my ex-wife (his mom) is one of those who subscribes to the belief that “kids are over-diagnosed and over-medicated these days”, etc. And while I was never quite the puritan she seems to be on the issue (substitute teaching, I definitely came across what looked to me like a real condition, although that was the “hyperactive” form as I didn’t even know about this form until just now), I wasn’t completely in disagreement with her. But now I’m afraid she’ll be an obstacle to seeking help, especially since he stays at her house about 60% of the time and she has all the Medicaid info (btw, she works full time as does her new fiance, so maybe it’s actually CHP rather than Medicaid if that makes a difference to anyone).</p>
<p>SlackerDad, did you ever write a blog / go under the screen name of Slackerinc? Some of what you are posting sounds somewhat familiar.</p>
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<p>Do bad things happen when you work on something, such that you tend to put things off? For example, maybe you have strongly “maladaptive perfectionist” tendencies. Maybe you think that you must achieve at an extremely high level to make a project worth doing–and, not expecting to reach this extremely high level, you fear and put off starting the project?</p>
<p>Slackerdad, I don’t know how old you are, probably younger than me. I was a special ed major in a nationally ranked program in the late 70s. One of the majors was “LD/BD” - learning disabled and behavior disordered. That is the category in which every kid who had “issues” but wasn’t blind, deaf or mentally challenged was dumped. Autism spectrum disorders, dyslexia, dysgraphia, anxiety disorder, executive function disorder, ADHD…not a lot of distinction was made. Some may argue that there are way too many diagnosed conditions now, but this is why there are so many adults that know that something is up, but don’t know what. For adults, I see diagnosis as an explanation and a tool.</p>
<p>Slackerdad, I am glad you have read about ADD. If you do undergo a trial of an ADD drug, like Ritilin or perhaps Adderall XR extended (a newer drug w/few side effects for some) you should pay attention to the dosage. I firmly believe that some people who think a certain drug doesn’t work for them have simply never found the right dosage. They might have too high a dose, for example, that produces excessive side effects. My d is on the Adderall XR and says she can’t feel it kick in or out, i.e. limited side effects, all good effects. Unfortunately there is only one way to see if these drugs help, and that is to try them for a week or two, playing with dosages as I said earlier. Some people on ADD drugs also take antidepressants too, FYI.</p>
<p>If you do get on this stuff and you do find that it helps, then perhaps your son’s mom will see that it has helped you and might help your son. You can tell her it’s a trial, and if the effects are good, the son will want to continue on with the drugs.</p>
<p><em>Not directed at any individual in particular.</em></p>
<p>Fear of failure can also be debilitating. Imagine not knowing, looking downright stupid, having to admit that perhaps one is not smarter, that there could be elements of intelligence that weren’t taken into account on the test. Never mind that with practice one might get better at a given task… Could it be some have so much ego attached to “being smarter” that, ironically, they would suffer all kinds of humiliation and loss to keep that cherished belief in tact?</p>
<p>Yeah, I see it, lol. :-)</p>
<p>intact</p>
<p>For all I know there are others I’m not seeing!</p>
<p>Have not read this thread in its entirety-- just snipits. Some of what the OP describes sounds like it could fit with a controversial but hypothesized subcategory of ADHD- inattentive type… sluggish cognitive tempo [Sluggish</a> cognitive tempo - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia](<a href=“http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sluggish_cognitive_tempo]Sluggish”>Sluggish cognitive tempo - Wikipedia)</p>
<p>Additionally, it is important to know that stimulants thend to help almost everyone to some degree. Having a positive response isnt diagnostic in and of itself. Agree that testing is appropriate.</p>
<p>Just wondering-- if your kids qualify for Medicaid, why don’t you and your wife qualify as well?</p>
<p>slacker’s thread - much like the entire parents’ section of the cc site - reminds me of an business once proposed by Andy Warhol, this being for an advice-dispensing service called " what’s your problem?" (se habla espanol - “que pasa?”) customers were to call in and describe their problem to a panel of very reasonable people with diverse backgrounds, who would then confer and determine the most practical and efficient way to improve the individual’s situation. but, in the end, Warhol said he abandoned the idea because (in addition to its being too much work - Andy was something of a layabout boy himself) it was decided that no one was likely to actually follow the prescribed advice. most people just want somebody to listen to them. this need is in fact already being serviced by the therapeutic community. slacker you seem to fit this description exacto. amazing number of suggestions here from people who either genuinely want to help, or haven’t read the referenced episode in Andy Warhol’s Philosophy. but aside from an occasional epiphany or two, you keep dithering and blathering on, what might be described as some kind of compulsive circular thinking. only hope - some kind of therapeutic drug that can make you forget what it was you were just thinking about.</p>
<p>Additionally, it is important to know that stimulants thend to help almost everyone to some degree. Having a positive response isnt diagnostic in and of itself. Agree that testing is appropriate.</p>
<p>I agree & just taking stimulants is not really enough to help with executive functioning. It gives you the jump to get going- but doesn’t help with planning or prioritizing at all.
Coffee/stimulants help everyone- that is why they are so popular- but that also wears out your adrenals.</p>
<p>I’m actually taking a med that is an anti-psychotic, but seems to help a GREAT deal with my executive function.
I am even getting some improvement in short term memory which is wonderful.
I expect they will use this drug with Alzheimers patients, because I was having so much difficulty, I worried that I had early onset Alzheimers .</p>
<p>Agree that medication should be combined with counseling and/or coaching to address the behavioral side. I see someone weekly through my school’s academic skills center, but they certainly exist outside the university setting and are an alternative to traditional counseling if the idea of therapy puts you off. </p>
<p>[url=<a href=“http://www.hyperfocusedcoaching.com/my-adhdadd-story/]Here[/url”>http://www.hyperfocusedcoaching.com/my-adhdadd-story/]Here[/url</a>], for instance, is an ADHD coach who himself was diagnosed later in life and whose story sounds similar to yours. I can’t vouch for his services as I haven’t used them, but I listen to his podcast, which is free.</p>
<p>JMO, I have some concerns re: using peple who have had a course in ADHD coaching but have no background in MH. Doesnt mean they cant do it-- they might be fine. Just limits their understanding of the underlying disorder, IMO</p>
<p>That’s a good point, jym626. Like I said, I don’t know anything about that guy specifically aside from his podcast, which I have found helpful.</p>
<p>off topic but, lyrabelacqua, you’ve got an awesome nic!</p>
<p>Thanks! His Dark Materials is still my favorite fiction series, tied with Terry Pratchett’s Discworld.</p>
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<p>The requirements for adults are much more stringent than for children (which, if they are not going to provide it for everyone, is the way I would want it to be). In Missouri, adults have to have incredibly low incomes, somewhere IIRC around $277 a month or less. We are low income but not anywhere near that low!</p>
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<p>Funny, because I’ve worried about that–I was always fairly absent-minded but it’s gotten much worse the past few years. What drug are you referring to, can I ask? The more I read about Ritalin, I must say the more I get leery as I read of all the side effects (and its similarity to cocaine, which I tried years ago and hated the way it made me feel).</p>
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<p>A podcast sounds great–thanks, lyrabelacqua!</p>
<p>I talked to my son and to my ex-wife today about ADD-PI. My ex was predictably dismissive, likening it to the label of “oppositional-defiant” for kids she would characterise simply as “brats”. Later, I talked to my son about it and went through and showed him the list of diagnostic criteria. Interestingly, and very perceptively on his part, he said “don’t tell Mom about this–she’ll just say it’s an excuse”. (I explained that I had already told her, and that he was exactly right about her reaction.) He seemed somewhere in between, acknowledging that the profile fit but saying that he thinks the new organisational efforts we’ve undertaken in the past few weeks have been working (and it is true that he is doing better). So that’s where that stands at this point; we will see.</p>
<p>wow this is such an interesting thread.</p>
<p>I think it’s quite amazing how your posting of this thread probably impacted you more than you would have ever expected. Like how making a relatively minor decision - posting on this forum as you chose to do - could give you so many amazing and unexpected results, and results that perhaps you had been looking for for a long time, but which did not come about despite a lot of invested effort. Which by results I mean ways of living better, of dealing with not having the intrinsic motivation that most others have to do the more menial tasks/things, and so on. This has been a life long issue for you! But now I think perhaps you are on your way to making significant progress towards being able to live better with it.</p>
<p>You are someone with so much potential. And you are a good person - you are nice and kind and aware. I think you can really do anything. Which means you can keep doing what you’re doing - living how you’re living (which sounds perfectly fine and great) - or not. Whatever you choose. But I don’t think you are as limited as you might think. You said you were surprised by how many people could relate to you - indeed, the internet is full of interesting people, potentials to be realized (or not), etc, etc. If you want to pursue anything, I think you could find people to pursue it with (business ventures, theoretical ideas, etc.). Even people that would support you financially probably. You are someone who I see could really getting involved with others, doing things, working on projects, accomplishing. And I think you would find those things very fulfilling - they would be very stimulating and engaging and exiting, and I think you would really * thrive * in an environment like that.</p>
<p>But this world has a lot to offer someone like you - and it does so precisely because you have a lot to offer it. I think a lot of people would be very appreciative of your insights.</p>
<p>Oh and I think it’s great that your eating healthily (especially commendable considering the budget you’re on). I would really really hope that people like you live a long time. We live in quite an interesting time - even a couple extra years could get one to some incredible medical breakthroughs, which could payoff even further.</p>
<p>But you should relax too (if you’re not). This is probably slightly overwhelming, the responses from this thread, and the thinking you are doing because of it. Don’t feel expectations to change (to be different, live you’re life differently) just because you get some medicine that makes the tedium you experience more tolerable (if it does). Others have already said how wonderful they think the way your living currently is (which means not just how your living, but the way you think about how your living - the perspectives on it all you’ve expressed). Trust yourself with your life. Do what you need to do for yourself, because what that is will probably turn out to be the best thing for everyone.</p>
<p>Probably not a lot of what I said was accurate or applicable, but above all what I want to say is this - if you are interested in things (if you are interested in life), then don’t be afraid to explore it/them - because I am certain you would make a very good explorer.</p>
<p>Enfieldacademy’s plaudits make me blush and demur a bit. Yeah, I’m a pretty cool dude, but I’m sure I would disappoint him/her if we met IRL! ;-)</p>
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<p>That one doesn’t so much hit home, ADad.</p>
<p>BTW, I told my wife about the stunning information I learned here about my likely diagnosis and that it might be treatable with drugs. She seemed reticent, asking “would it still be you?” Awwww.</p>
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<p>Okay. Imho, procrastination, chronic lateness would be a good thing to work on if you decided on trying counseling.</p>