What do you guys think about this essay?

<p>It is not mine, but a friend's. He needs me to comment on it; but I also want your opinions. </p>

<p>Please write and/or upload an essay (650 words or fewer) on a topic of your choice that demonstrates your ability to organize your thoughts and express yourself. Some ideas include writing about: a person you admire; a life-changing experience; or your viewpoint on a particular current event. </p>

<p>"In the summer of 2004, I was on departure towards the United States, my homeland. To this day I don't understand why I showed no amusement about this departure, in which I had not been in the United States after so long since I left at the age of four. My family was excited for me as they watched me leave. I did not know what to expect since I wasn't mature enough to comprehend that I would vacate and not come back. You can say that the others were more inquisitive that I was going to the "land of opportunity."
It was very challenging for me to adapt to a totally new environment: It was diverse; commercial activities were going on; too many cars passed by. Society functioned a certain way and you pretty much had no choice but to try to fit in. It was difficult to handle, especially at the age of seven. I had to remember my old language, that I once knew before I was sent to Ecuador. The tumult brought in tears to my eyes whenever my mom-the person whom sent me to Ecuador because of her financial struggles and then made arrangements for my return-would drop me off to school, where I heard others talking some barbarian language. I tried not to cry in front of my mom, because where I was coming from, crying was sort of humiliating. But in the different society that I was in, I had to almost get rid of my old habits. My life was totally completely altered and I didn't know how to express my internal emotions: nobody understood me and much of it had to do with my fictitious indifference. I secretly attempted to call my family, whom were proud of my American nationality, in Ecuador, and request for them to arrange a flight for me. But of course, that would never happen because there was subsequent opportunities in this country, that many would want; and for a subsequent bilingual child, it would just take some time finally to adapt and feel like everyone else. But only my mom knew this, while I didn’t understand though she frequently tried to convince and make me realize the importance of being an American.
As I got older, I finally started acknowledging my purpose and defining what I want to do. I drew many distinctions between the two cultures that I had been expose to as a child. These distinctions guided me because I had consider how less developed communities function and had no access to the things I had here in the US. This recognitions between a developing community and developed country were an empathy for me, since I had live both lifestyles. It pushed me and encouraged me to thrive in whatever tasks I had to complete, and I am thankful that I had gone through these struggles and had been expose to different backgrounds. I mostly likely would not have appreciate the beauty of different types cultures today if I had not live a dual life. I even have my own theory that people who have gone through dual lifestyles can be the most empathetic and tend to engage more. This psychological assertion comes from the experiences that shapes a person and the way they think; thus they will not think peculiarly if they were watching the revelations of the Aborigines that still live remotely in Australia.
My eyes are now more opened and prepared to explore new natural scenes of nature, people and their cultures, and draw differences and form explanations to why they live they way they do. If you was to ask me why do people in people in Latin America still use “pottery items to store food,” only I would understand the profound value of this tradition. "</p>

<p>He also wants to know if he has to write the whole prompt in his essay? Would the prompt be included in the 650 word count?</p>

<p>Not an expert on college essays but with that said I recommend you proof read it. The grammar is very bad and sometimes too casual. Also did your friend use a thesaurus because some of the words do not make sense in context and have the wrong connotation for the point you are trying to get across. Example: “vacate and not come back.” You’re repeating yourself there because both those both mean the same thing, also I don’t think vacate is a great choice of wording. The first sentence of second paragraph I would not start with the word “it,” in addition I do not believe you used colons and semi colons correctly. Maybe re word it to: “Adapting to a radically different environment was difficult for me. America was diverse, commercially active, and always on the go.” The wording “pretty much fit in” is also a little too casual for a college essay. “Society functioned in a very exact way and I had only two choices: do my best to assimilate, or be left behind.” Hopefully that helps</p>