<p>Prompt #2
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important
to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the
person you are?</p>
<p>One of the most important experiences for me is about my court to a girl in high school. At first, I pursue her only out of adoration, but when I go through these things, the impact on me is far beyond expected. Thus not only is it a romantic affair, but also it becomes a didactic lesson for me.
In the first year of high school I am into a girl. In order to win her heart I try to find all the chance to show off myself, attending the 10 best singers of campus competition, learning the magic tricks from association and going home with her lack of her permission. I seek any method to help her, for instance text to her asking the physical condition when she has a fever, and talk with her friends to know if she is alright after witnessing her weep. Besides, I present her with a chocolate in the Christmas day and a sunlight jar in her birthday. However, at one afternoon she asks me to stop these absurd behaviors. At that time, I am wondering that does anyone not like be cared? After a time without that enthusiasm, surprisingly the relationship between us becomes close.
So I start to consider all the events thoughtfully. If I love her, a better life of her is all I want but anything. Ironically, all the things I do can not give her a better life. The attitude of me is excessively passionate so that make her feel disturbed. The true meaning of love is not so much giving painstakingly as contributing to other happiness. What I have done formerly are selfish conducts simply for my will, but these betray my original purpose and neglect her feeling. I realize when people assert for the sake of others it turns out to impose their values on others without thinking at others position. It seems like taking an old lady who does not want to head to the other side across the street. Charity is not the excuse to whatever bothers other people. The genuine offer is to provide what he or she needs instead of what I want to render. This idea can apply to other facets of interaction. In the cooperative negotiation I should not merely say what others can benefit by my opinion. Perhaps they do not care that. For the sincere cooperation I must take into account the demand of partners at their position. More considerate thinking I make, more possibility of successful collaboration I get.
Even though I am not together with her after all, the experience has affected me greatly. I learn that a truly genuine way to treat another person, pondering at his or her aspect not with my ego overly and do not let moodiness dominate my deed lest the outcome is against my good intention. Therefore I can get along better with other people.</p>
<p>Update a new one. Some questions are in the parentheses.</p>
<p>One important experience I have gone through is about my court to a girl in high school. At first, I wooed her only out of adoration. (is the verb I used suitable?) Two years have passed since then, and I can still feel this strong impact the experience has had on me. The story between her and me is not only a romantic affair, but also a didactic lesson.
In the first year of high school I was into a girl. In order to win her heart, I try to find all the chance to show myself off, attending the top 10 singers of campus competition, learning the magic tricks from association. I walked her home lacking of her permission. I seek any method to help her, for instance sending her message to see if she was fine when she suffered from a terrible fever and talking with her friends to know if she is alright after witnessing her weep. Besides, I gave her a chocolate in and a sunlight jar in the Christmas day and her birthday as presents. However, at one afternoon she asked me to stop these absurd behaviors. At that time, I was wondering that does anyone not like be cared? After a time without that enthusiasm, surprisingly the relationship between us became closer surprisingly.
I started to consider all the events thoughtfully. If I love her, all I want is to give her a better life. Ironically, all the things I did can not give her a better life. My attitude was excessively passionate so that make her feel disturbed. The true meaning of love is not so much painstakingly giving as contributing to other happiness. What I had done previously was selfish conduct simply for my will. It betrayed my original purpose and neglected her feeling (is it should be taken away). I realize when people assert for the sake of others it turns out to impose their values on others without thinking at others’ position. It seems like “help” an old lady who does not want to head to the other side across the street. Goodwill is not the excuse to whatever bothers other people. The genuine offer is to provide what he or she needs instead of what I want to render. This idea can apply to other facets of interaction. In the cooperative negotiation I should not merely say what others can benefit by my opinion. Perhaps they do not care that (“that” proper or not). For the sincere cooperation I must take into account the demand of partners at their position. The more considerate thinking I make,(need comma?) the more possibility of successful collaboration I get.
Even though I am not together with her after all, the experience has affected me greatly. I learned that a truly genuine way to treat another person is to ponder at his or her aspect not at my ego overly and do not let moodiness dominate my deed lest the outcome is against my good intention. Therefore I can get along better with other people because of the lesson she taught me.</p>
<p>You have many grammatical errors and some sentences are awkward such as:</p>
<p>In order to win her heart, I try to find all the chance to show myself off…</p>
<p>I walked her home lacking of her permission…</p>
<p>After a time without that enthusiasm, surprisingly the relationship between us became closer surprisingly.</p>
<p>You can change them so that they flow more (there are more sentences like that) but I suggest you reread your essay because there are A LOT of mistakes.
Some I can list off are:
Wrong word choice
Wrong tenses
Run on sentences</p>
<p>These are only a few I listed, anyways I hoped I helped.</p>
<p>I don’t figure out what is awkward and how to revise it.
Can you proofread a sentence, for exampleIn order to win her heart, I try to find all the chance to show myself off…, to examplify
Thx!</p>
<p>One such experience i’ve lived that had not only a profound effect on me, but was also a didactic life lesson, was my courtship of a [fair maiden] at my high school. At first, I wooed her only out of adoration.Two years had passed since but I could still feel the strong impact the experience has had on me. For the story between me and her was not only a romantic affair, but also would be etched in my mind for a long time to come.</p>
<p>this is a possibility for your opening paragraph…if you like…not really sure on it…it may be too cheesy.</p>
<p>paige that was a ridiculous waste of words; didactic life lesson? Redundant! </p>
<h2>One important experience I have gone through is about my court to a girl in high school. At first, I wooed her only out of adoration. (is the verb I used suitable?) Two years have passed since then, and I can still feel this strong impact the experience has had on me. The story between her and me is not only a romantic affair, but also a didactic lesson.</h2>
<p>One of the more memorable life-lessons I had to learn happened when I tried to court a girl two years ago.</p>
<p>Not only is this version less cheesy, but it has the same (or more) punch to it than a big ole’ paragraph of dither.</p>
<p>i used didactic because slayde used it…n ur right didactic was redundant…how about didactic experience.</p>
<p>how about this, as i think slayde is trying to use more sophisticated language-One didactic experience i can recall was when a tried to court a girl two years ago.</p>
<h1>HOBBITHILL i disagree with the equal or more punch lol</h1>
<p>You desperately need to find someone to proofread your essay. I would usually be okay with doing that, but I’m too busy writing my own essay right now!</p>
<p>However, it’s almost like there is a grammatical error in every sentence. You’re clearly not a first language English speaker. So tomorrow, before the application is due, you NEED to have an English teacher look over your paper!</p>
<p>Otherwise, I’m not sure I think that talking about your pursuit of a girl is the best thing to do in your PSE. They want to hear about your qualities and stuff, not your romantic life. But who knows, I didn’t actually read your essay to the end, so maybe you learned something really important.</p>
<p>Sigh, I decided I had to proofread it. I am editing only the grammar, not the content.</p>
<p>One of my most important experiences is when I courted a girl in high school. At first, I pursued her only out of adoration, but the impact on me was far beyond expected. Thus not only was it a romantic affair, but also it became a didactic lesson for me.
In the first year of high school I was interested in this girl. In order to win her heart I tried to take every chance to show myself off: competing in a campus singing competition, learning magic tricks, and going home with her without permission (WHAT DOES THIS MEAN, IT SOUNDS LIKE RAPE). I sought any method to help her, for instance keeping her company when she was sick, and talk with her friends to know if she is alright after seeing her cry. I also gave gave her a chocolate on Christmas Day and a sunlight jar on her birthday. However, one afternoon she asked me to stop this absurd behavior. It made me wonder: does anyone not like to be cared for? After I backed off for a while, surprisingly the relationship between us became closer.
So I began to consider all the events thoughtfully. If I love her, all I want for her is a better life. Ironically, all the things I do can not give her a better life. My attitude is excessively passionate, which disturbs her. The true meaning of love is not so much giving painstakingly as contributing to other happiness. What I did previously were selfish conducts simply for my own gain, but these betray my original purpose and neglect her feelings. I realize that I was just imposing my values on her without really thinking about her. It was like I was helping an old woman cross the street, when she didn’t want to cross the street at all. Charity cannot be the excuse to bother other people. The only genuine offer is to provide what a person needs instead of what I want to give them. This idea can apply to other facets of interaction. In cooperative negotiation I should not merely say how others can benefit by my opinion. Perhaps they do not care. For the sincere cooperation I must take into account the needs of partners at their position. More considerate thinking I make, the more successful my collaborations will be.
Even though I am not together with her after all, the experience has affected me greatly. I learn that to treat another person in a truly genuine way, I must not ponder at his or her aspect with my ego not let moodiness dominate my actions, lest the outcome goes against my original good intentions. Therefore I can get along better with other people.</p>
<p>There, I think it’s pretty much fixed grammatically. I still think it needs some revision though, your ideas are not coming across very clearly.</p>
<p>Also, the whole essays sounds a bit…well off. Kind of like your forced yourself into this girl’s life and that’s not a trait you want to display. No one likes a clinger.
The point you’re trying to make is a good one, “I learned how to get along better with people”, but I’m sure there are tons of OTHER, better examples you could use :)</p>