What do you think of my UC Essays?

<p>I know that deadlines have already passed, but I'm just curious on what you guys think of my UC essays? </p>

<p>Prompt 1: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.</p>

<p>It would be easier to elaborate on what my world lacks rather than what it encompasses. I come from a world shut off from the outside, a place that is small and insignificant, one which revolves only around academics and good grades. Growing up, I was placed on a tightrope towards my parentsa?? version of success, which made me believe that divergence on my part would result in my demise. In other words, I was raised not to stray far from the safety net of having all Aa??s on a transcript. As a result, my personality was that of a quiet unremarkable oyster.</p>

<p>However, the day I entered high school, my secluded world had opened itself up to a whole universe of new people, ideals and most importantly experiences. I was able to diversify myself, not only as a scholar but as a person. Simply, I became a pioneer. I discovered lands unbeknownst to me, and had engendered in myself the importance of maintaining a balance between education and experience. I wanted to do it all. I wanted to keep my parents happy with maintaining a stellar G.P.A while finding myself as an individual; however my parents did not approve of this, thus resulting in many brutal and grueling battles at home. </p>

<p>In the last 3 years I had always found opposition in doing almost any extracurricular; however, I was defiant, and joined a plethora of clubs as well as volunteer for my local Vietnamese school. In doing this, I had blossomed from the shy, awkward stereotypical Asian nerd to the exuberant, confident, and dynamic person people know me as now. </p>

<p>In spite of my metamorphosis; I had found myself on the verge of mental breakdown, in keeping the balancing act, while fighting my parents every step of the way. As a result, my grades had taken a slow but definite degradation. By the end of my sophomore year, the hatred I felt in my life consumed me. I hated how my life at home consisted of constant arguments about my extracurriculars. I hated how no one supported my endeavors, and most of all, I hated how it felt like my parents thought lower of me because of my grades. </p>

<p>However, during the end of my junior year, things were different. When my mom and I were driving home from church, she was giving me another lengthy lecture. But, for once her tone was of understanding and compromise, and at the end of it all, she told me a??I will support you, no matter what you do.a?? To many, this may seem like a redundant sentiment that all parents share with their kids, but to me, it was beautiful. For once, my life was determined not by my parents but by me.</p>

<p>To this day, I still dona??t know what changed her attitude, but it has allowed me to understand the importance of broadening my spectrum of knowledge, not only to books and scholastics, but to the the world itself. I now understand that my success, as well as my worth in society should not be determined by letters on a piece of paper, but by the multitude of actions I have taken, and the contributions I have provided for the people around me. </p>

<p>In slipping off of my tightrope, I had not fallen into the abyss, but into an ever expanding universe. My only wish is to grow, openly and widely, in both thought and action, and continually embellish my world with the beauty and wonder that surrounds it.</p>

<p>Prompt 2: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?</p>

<p>On the night of February 13th, an operation of large magnitude was formed. An operation that was so colossal, so daunting, and so unnerving, it had the possibility of destroying my entire self-esteem. In all this hype, one might ask, a??What terrifyingly nerve-wracking plan was I about to unfold?a?? </p>

<p>The following afternoon, I planned to ask the ASB President of Pacifica to be my valentine. As a genius romance tactician, it seemed simple enough. Phase One, have operatives locate the target and initiate a Skype call with me in place of my absence. Phase Two, unveil the a??Valentine box.a?? Lastly, Phase Three, ask, a??Will you be my Valentine?a?? </p>

<p>The night beforehand, I meticulously crafted my Valentinea??s Day box. It took hours to plan, buy, and make as I put my heart and soul into constructing it; however, I was full of doubt. Would she be disappointed because I could not ask her personally? Would the methodical plan be a disaster? And the most prevalent question, would she say a??yesa??? </p>

<p>I went to bed in fear of the next day. I did not want to see my painstakingly hard work crumble into ruins. Looking back, I realized one of my greatest phobias. I feared failure. Before, I neither had the drive nor willingness to follow my passions. I was like mindless drone, only doing what I was told.</p>

<p>Reflecting on this trivial pursuit for romance, I have realized in order to achieve true happiness, I must be willing to follow my ambitions despite risking failure. I am proud of this experience because it proved that with a little courage, planning, and hard work, I am able to pursue whatever I want with my life. Now, I look to the future, following my dreams and my aspirations with vigorous fervor and a vibrant fire in my belly. </p>

<p>When the day of judgment came, the girl who I so desperately wanted to be my Valentine called my cell phone. Amidst the background noise of the laughter and chatter of a typical lunch period, pierced her tiny voice. It was a resounding yes, a yes that not only earned me a Valentine, but a yes that confirmed my confidence to achieve my goals despite the possibility of failing.</p>

<p>Thanks guys :) </p>

<p>Essay 1
“It would be easier to elaborate on what my world lacks rather than what it encompasses.” - such a negative opening statement. Rest of the paragraph is negative too. You should be showing off your best qualities and not your worst. At the same time your story is pretty cliche; kid being pushed hard by parents to do well in school without knowing why it’s important. " the hatred I felt in my life consumed me." - that is a really negative quote that pops out to me. Overall I dislike your 1st essay. too negative and cliche. I don’t think spending an essay talking about academics is a smart idea.</p>

<p>Essay 2
“, I realized one of my greatest phobias. I feared failure. Before, I neither had the drive nor willingness to follow my passions. I was like mindless drone, only doing what I was told.” another cliche story.
I did find the part about asking a girl out for valentines day interesting but it didn’t really tell me much about you and I don’t think this is one of the most important life experiences that has shaped you into the person you are today. </p>

<p>I thought the same thing as bomerr about the first essay - too negative.</p>

<p>As with most applicants’ essays, it comes down to the “telling vs. showing.” Prompt 2 does an okay job of showing, but Prompt 1 really doesn’t…</p>

<p>Also, there’s quite some repetitiveness to both.</p>

<p>Since you already applied, there’s not really much you can do, though. :/</p>