Not my kid and I know this might be controversial, but one family I know had a very straight-laced kid who never tried alcohol in high school so in the summer before college they gave her a few drinks, supervised by the parents, so she would know what it was like to be tipsy, etc. The parents concern was that they didn’t want her first drinking experience to be at a college party where the parents had no control over her alcohol consumption.
^^^ Not so controversial in my neck of the woods. Not my worry about my particular girl, but certainly one shared by many of my friends who took trips overseas before freshman year to “test the waters” as they say. Hasn’t turned out badly for anyone I know, though I’m sure it has for others.
I understand the worry about lack of familiarity with drinking – one of mine never tried it in high school and was quite judgmental about those who did. I worried that he would wind up drinking an entire bottle of vodka or something because he had no experience with the affect of alcohol on the body. As a freshman, he did call home the morning after the first time he drank, with a horrible hangover, and swore he’d never do it again. He did, of course, but learned his limits quickly. The other kid of mine had AMPLE experience in high school, so at least I didn’t worry about him not knowing his limits. With that one, I worried about partying to excess and flunking out. Turned out that wasn’t a worry either, he graduated with Honors and a double major.
We are going on vacation this summer where the drinking age is 18. I’ve already told dd that I’d love her to have a drink or two when we are together because she too hasn’t drank at all. I’d prefer her first experience with alcohol to be with us and not at school.
I’m also worried about how my daughter is going to get along with a roommate. She’s an only child. It’s going to be an adjustment!
In terms of drinking, BU made a very important point at parent orientation. “It’s not the drinking that is so bad - it is the decisions made WHILE drinking.” Told some stories about former students who made bad decisions because/while drinking. Recommended that we focus on THIS issue vs the actual drinking. I had TONS of worries about D1, and she knocked it out of the park. With D2, beginning to ratchet up the worriometer, but have strategies to manage this time.
I have 2 kids a year apart. Younger one always went to schools that older one already attended, got jobs where older one already worked, and joined sports teams that older one had been on the year before. Younger one wasn’t at all experienced in going into new situations alone…probably had never eaten a meal in a restaurant alone or gone to a movie alone. Luckily the college had Greek rush just before freshman year started, so there were friends right from the start.
I think that is a smart approach. Many kids will drink even if they didn’t in high school.
For DD18, I worry about her finding a good balance between alone time, studying, and friend time. She’s starting to make friends through online group chats and I hope that leads to finding “her people” in college. She has a few really close friends and is not outgoing so I hope she connects with others.
DS19, I worry about him taking physical care of himself. He’s seems to do ok socially but I’d like an absent minded professor. Smart, quirky and really lacking in some common sense areas. He takes daily meds and I worry he’ll forget when out of his normal routine.
I’m hoping this year when he’s home without his sisters that he’ll learn to wake up and become a little more self sufficient.
When we left our daughter at college three years ago, I worried about her being so far away from us in the event of a crisis (we live in Asia, she’s in the northeast) and her not being street smart in the United States. I also worried about boys/men because she had no dating experience. I always imagined her falling for a boy a bit older than her who was at a different stage in life, with all the stress and distraction that could cause.
Turns out she has been just fine learning about and experiencing the US (her overseas study experience so to speak), and she met a boy/man almost exactly her age who she has been dating for two and a half years, we love him, and his parents love her. So now there’s a new worry, if they ever break up, six people will be devastated!
Highly recommend convincing “gamers” to leave all that stuff home. Although not a gamer, S has a few that live on his floor and he reports they seldom see the light of day, have a very different experience then the rest of his hall (which has become quite close).
Friend of mine convinced his S to leave the gear home as he was concerned he would use that as a crutch, not socialize, etc. (wasn’t social in HS at all). He tried it and found his tribe first yr. Became much more social. Had a weekly poker game going, joined a few clubs, etc. Basically changed his life.
DS19 is introverted and on the shy side though he opens up once he’s comfortable with people, but most of his current friends he’s had since middle school, so I worry about him making new friends. On the flip side I’m worried that he’s going to choose a school based on where his friends choose to attend and not necessarily based on what would be the best fit for him. The biggest thing I’m worried about though is his lack of initiative. It’s the one area where I still have to prod him. Looking for opportunities and pushing himself to make connections that will help advance his education and future career.
@momofsenior1 my boys would love your daughter. In fact my older son had a group of friends at Carnegie Mellon who did just that. My younger son managed to find a young woman who also indulges his taste for board and video games and knows even more of the Lord of the Rings by heart than he does.
What I worried most about was the fact that there are some mental illnesses that typical strike when kids are in their early 20s with no previous warning. It happened to a cousin of mine and to my mother’s best friend from high school and it was devastating.
Twin Ds entering college in the fall - different schools. I’m mostly worried about them finding a good group of friends (doesn’t have to be a big group), since they are both a bit shy and have been each other’s best friends since birth. Also worried about a dozen other things, but most of that’s on me.
One thing I never thought of to tell my kid before he went away. How to tell me something is wrong. I get a call at 2am from his gf’s phone. He answers and starts the conversation with. Mom, I really f…d up. This is a child who did so many terrible things in his Jr. year that I still haven’t gotten over it and always think the worst. I’m thinking, he got arrested, his gf is pregnant, he wrecked the car and hurt someone, all kinds of awful things. He lost his phone and wallet at the annual frat formal out of state while a little drunk. (he found the wallet in the morning). Ok, that is messing up but nothing near what it could have been. We have since had a talk about how to tell me things like that!
And he is on the Dean’s list for the second semester and hasn’t done anything terrible!
^ that’s a real parent killer but with a happy ending. God I hate those calls. Your heart is in your throat until you actually know the situation. Fortunately we’ve never had a terrible situation but it just drives you crazy.
our last one was pretty mild but it still caused me grief: got a TEXT (couldn’t even hear his voice to know if there was a real issue) - “Think my nose is broken” at 2 am. No explanation. I’m thinking did he get in a fight (would be his first)? Did he get mugged? Was he at a party that got out of hand? Was it sports related?
Of course, he was just playing hoop and caught an elbow, but we had a talk about how he needs to present his news. I saw the text at 5am and couldn’t get a hold of him until much later in the day.
@gwnorth - my son is also very quiet and had a very close group of friends all through MS and HS. He just finished his freshman year. While I still wouldn’t call him a social butterfly - he joined a couple groups, made several friends, and even met a kid who will be his roommate next year. I bet he surprised you!
We have a rule at our house that if there is a problem the first sentence should be “I’m fine” before starting a conversation like @momocarly. I instituted said rule when my daughter called me hysterically sobbing after getting into a car accident and I seriously thought she was dying/bleeding out because she could barely speak. She hit her bumper on a stop sign at the end of a driveway. Bumper. Sign. Perspective!!! ; )
DS is not a talker. I was very worried about knowing very little about his day-to-day once he left for school both from a simply missing him perspective and a what if he is not attending to something perspective since he lacks the plan ahead gene I have. It has actually been very freeing to NOT know the day-to-day. I am sure there have been things he has handled at the last minute and suffered some consequences but I am blissfully unaware until he tells the story of how all was resolved. He is learning great life lessons.
For DD20 the worry is finding a school that will fit her without undue stress. We are still in the shopping phase and she does have the plan ahead gene, but her list of wants and needs is much different. I need to let her lead but guide from afar with the realities of college search in mind (pricing, acceptance rates, limits on OOS students, travel challenges some locations cause, etc). I do not want her to be frustrated by it all long before the applications are even submitted!
Your soon to be adult kid is going to college.
This is going to be hard on you, but you need to ground the helicopter and let her make some mistakes so that she can develop into a healthy self sufficient adult. There is nothing left to do but sit back and enjoy the flight. If you’ve raised her well, she will figure it out or figure out how to figure it out.
I am going to try to not worry about the things I cannot control and do my own thing and try to become a happier person. I have told my kid many times each person has strengths and weaknesses and don’t try to plan and worry too far ahead and try to enjoy 4 years. Don’t put too much pressure on himself to accomplish great things but work on becoming a great person that everyone would like to be around with, and treat each person with respect and kindness.