What does it mean to "love your safety"?

Parents Forum
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<p>This is surely the mantra of the Parents Forum, and that message has had an enormous influence on how we've gone about this process and selected the colleges that son will apply to. And yet after all these months and all this headbanging, I'm still not sure what that adage really means. It almost seems to mean different things to different people. </p>

<p>Last night we sat down and did a final assessment of son's list of schools. If you recall, we had a pleasant surprise thrown in when son's SAT score rose quite sharply in October. (1350 to 1510; 2020 to 2260) His class rank and gpa had always been strong, with decent and forcused ec's; the tests had been the weak link. The new scores prompted at least a minor reshuffling of the list as we began to consider colleges that son had wanted to look at all along but we had discouraged him from having too many reaches. His final list has many familiar names on it, schools where he visited and interviewed last summer, plus a few well-thought out add ons at the "top", several of which he's never seen in person but that do seem to match who he is and what he wants to study. Those visits will only come next spring ** if ** any of the "far reaches" materialize. </p>

<p>Basically, there's one rock solid admittance (under the 10% rule at UT), three schools where he's in the upper quartile for SAT scores (including one where he's a legacy and two where merit money is possible), two more selective schools where he's a solid match (but these days, you never know!), and four reaches (two moderate, two pie-in-the sky). As we perused the list, I reminded him that there was still the very real possibility that the only schools he would be admitted to would be the four at the "bottom" of his list. (His list is too long, I know, but we are just going to live with that.)</p>

<p>He was quiet for a moment and then softly confided that he would be deeply disappointed if that happened. If truth be told, son does not "love" his safeties or even his safe matches! It is mom and dad who love the security that comes from being realistic. I will say this....son is acting realistic; he is doing what he should do. He doesn't have his heart set on only one place. He chose his safeties with care (indeed we gave more time and money to those schools than to the reaches). He is following the directive of his guidance counselor that he do the app list from the bottom up. Each application has been done with minimum grumbling. He has six down and is working on number seven. </p>

<p>But, if truth be told, when the envelopes come in for those saftey and safe/match schools, I don't think he'll be rejoicing. Maybe a little relieved, but not rejoicing. His heart just isn't there. </p>

<p>So what does it really mean to "love your safety"? I am confident that son could be happy at any of the schools he is applying to. Even he feels he made the "best" choices. But, if we're truthful, isn't it really the parents who "love" the safeties and the kids who struggle to swallow the hard pill that sometimes all your work and effort just isn't going to get you to the point where you want to be? And, yes, I know, sometimes what you thought you wanted isn't really the best thing for you. But who hasn't shot for the stars and gloried in the moment when you hit the mark?</p>

<p>Admittedly, this isn't life or death. It's just learning to adapt to the way things are in life. But I can't help feeling we're being a little disingenuous when we keep hammering away at "love thy safety".</p>

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<p>After all acceptances in, visit the schools and find things to love about them and get excited. You can always learn to love your safety if that's your only option. ;)</p>

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<p>My D also did not love her safeties. In fact for one of them, after we talked her into applying, she stated she would not go to college if that was her only choice. It can be difficult to love your safeties, but they exist in case all the better choices vanish. </p>

<p>I suppose it could be said that my D picked the wrong schools for safeties. I would disagree. She wanted to be challenged and she was looking for specific types of programs. There just were not a lot of good choices and even fewer safeties that came close to meeting her needs. With a 1500 and solid grades and class rank, your S should be able to do well anywhere. Best of luck on the reaches.</p>

<p>I would not dwell on the negative. If he is one of the very unlucky, then nothing you say at this point will make a difference.</p>

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<p>I think "Love Your Safety" means just what it says and as one should not simply toss an application at a school that they would likely to be admitted to but miserable at the thought of attending. (The concept of doing this is disingenuous as your idea of a safety is someone's reach, your fate worse than death school is someone else's frst choice). </p>

<p>You never know what hand you will be dealt in the competitive college admissions process, your safety school could very well end up being the school that you may have to attend. (Maybe this is the question that you should ask your son. Find out the real reason that he is applying to schools that he would not be happy attending).</p>

<p>You may get into the school of your dreams and find that it is not a financially feasible option for your family (ouch). while it will be a bit of a let down to go to a school that is with in your means, one should not feel that it would be a fate worse than death to attend.</p>

<p>I know in my house I requested that my D look at the process that if you only got admitted into one school, would you be happy attending that school? It is this question that cut the laundry list of 30 schools down to 7 (although h.s. gave her 8 choices, she could not come up with 8). It is not up to me to love her safety because i am not the one who will eventually have to attend (but the buy-in is that she knew our financial parameters, and if she attended a school outside of those parameters, that she would have to find scholarships, or work to fill in the gap) . If she were truly not happy with the school she was admitted to, I would have requested that she take a gap year (as no sense in wasting her time and my money) and start the process over again.</p>

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<p>It is natural for your son to feel this way to some extent, but perhaps you can help him. First, talk up the things about the safer schools that make them great. Talk about them as exciting, fun places to be. If you CANT muster that up you may have the wrong safer schools.</p>

<p>Do you feel the safer schools mimic qualities he likes in reachier schools, or were they just picked because they were safer? Could you find more appealing safer schools?</p>

<p>For example, my D wanted a small academic LAC. Her safety could not be a huge state school, because it would not offer her any of what she really wanted. </p>

<p>Our answer was to look towards some of the regionally well-regarded schools like Lawrence & Beloit that just because they are in Wisconsin do not attract quite such a large pool of applicants-- but still offer intimacy, residential campus, small classes & dedicated profs. I will admit she was not eagerly hoping to live in WI, but she would have been perfectly happy at either of these schools on every other level. (Honestly, once you are installed, I don't think the Lawrence experience is so different from Colgate or Kenyon.) Remember too that the regionally well known schools DO attract TOP kids from that region. The same way, many midwesterners are unclear about Pomona or Oxy, but TOP Ca. kids aim towards Pomona & Oxy.</p>

<p>Finally if he has not visited his safeties, that could help. I forget which wise parent said this on another thread but that family's rule was that the kid had to visit all safeties and any ED school prior to applying, because those schools were so critical to get right.</p>

<p>Do you want to share the list of reaches that most appeal to your son, so people can suggest other safeties?</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

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<p>cami215, your S and my D are the same but oh so different. She, too , had a late boost from a test score from a 1470 SAT to a 35 ACT (1580). I know that is not AS dramatic but still, it is significant. She also has the GPA and class rank to go with it , as does your S . </p>

<p>She really has trouble picturing herself at the "reach" schools on her list. Her favorites when she was a 1470 are still her favorites as a 35. Consequently, ol' dad is having to push to get her to augment her list with some well known reaches (well known on CC) just in case she wants to choose one in the spring. </p>

<p>Maybe I have the different side of this coin. Maybe mine loves her well researched and visited safeties too much for me to be comfortable. I just don't know if she is giving the reaches a fair shot. Weird, huh?</p>

<p>Maybe I went way , way overboard on the beauty of statistical safeties that were matches in every other way and this is my reward.</p>

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<p>Well, I don't think my son loved his safeties either, but there were things at all of the schools that he applied to that were attractive to him. Each school had something appealing. The more reachy schools on the list had more things that were appealing, in his case, and probably that is the case for a lot of kids. I guess the idea was to focus on certain aspects of the safety schools (the aspects that match your kids interests/passions), and figure out if one could live with the less appealing aspects when making the list, so that there could be <em>something exciting</em> about any acceptances.</p>

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<p>Cami, I can't tell you what it means to love your safety, but from my kids experiences and that of their friends I can give you some sound bites.</p>

<p>If his safety is one where the druggies and the slackers from your town all end up, and he feels that he worked his butt off in HS and loves to learn and grow intellectually... he won't love his safety.</p>

<p>If his safety is within 50 miles from home and every other school that he likes is out of your region.... he won't love his safety.</p>

<p>If the reaches all have active debating societies and have lots of interesting speakers who come to campus to talk about provocative things, and his safety is famous for its wet t-shirt contests-- well, you do the math.</p>

<p>I think the common theme is that the safety has to replicate some of the elements that he loves about the reach schools... maybe a lower wattage version, but at least some semblance of familiarity. Around here I feel bad for the kids who are targeting Dartmouth (reach) Middlebury (match/reach), Bates (match) but who end up at Queens college (a fine, public U) through lack of planning or unsophisticated parents. If you love the idea of a rural environment and being smack in the middle of New England, taking the subway to classes in Queens is probably not going to feel so exciting if that's your only option come April.</p>

<p>However-- if you can find a kid from your town or HS at some of his safeties... maybe a conversation or an email exchange can turn the situation around? There are studious kids at the jockiest schools, and there are rah-rah types even at nerdy schools, so maybe learning more about the environment will get your son a little more excited about his options.</p>

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<p>Love they safety means just that - would you be able to HAPPILY go to that college? DS has a reach, some good matches, but we visited Rutgers this summer (we are not from NJ) and it is a perfect safety - he liked the campus of Rutgers College, the old buildings and tradition appealed to him,it has an excellent liberal arts program, especially in his porposed major, it is big (he wants big) and easy to get to NYC for fun, - frankly we were all impressed, it is a super option at a reasonable price. I think he'll do better, but I'll feel good if he goes there, and so will he.</p>

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<p>To summarize points made so far, and maybe add a slight twist. I think it is a rare and fortunate applicant/family who loves the safety as well as the reaches. But, for all: [ul][<em>] The safety should be LIKE the most desired schools. It is not "safe" to add nearby huge state U if the desired schools are LACs of under 2000 students, or vice versa. [</em>]A commuter school is NOT a good safety for any one who is looking forward to a residential college experience. [<em>]The safety should be a school student has visited and liked while there. [</em>]The safety should have at least one characteristic the student finds exciting - be it an academic program, a sport, an EC, great dorms, wonderful campus, great location.... [<em>]I think it helps to ask this question: if Safe School suddenly rose two tiers on the USNews ratings, or became a "hot" school for some reason, would it now be a school kid could love? If the answer is yes, I think it is a "good" safety. Human nature comes in to play and makes it hard to get excited about the safety just because it *is</em> safe, and therefore somehow seems less of a "victory" when that acceptance comes in. If a kid can answer "yes" to this last question, s/he has made a good safety choice, imo.[<em>]More important and easier than loving the safety, imo, is loving the realistic matches and choosing them to be truly 50/50 chances. When this is done, there should be at least a couple to choose from in April. My S did not really "love" his safety, but could have answered my last question in the affirmative. He *did</em> love his matches and is at one of them. [/ul]</p>

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<p>Immediate COWARD (Award for best posts on CC) for blossom for the post above with sound bites. These are quite insightful and should be taken seriously. I had never thought about some of these things, but they certainly ring true.</p>

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<p>
[quote]
** If truth be told, son does not "love" his safeties or even his safe matches! It is mom and dad who love the security that comes from being realistic.

[/quote]
**</p>

<p>I am really sad to read this. Certainly you could find a school that has a program, location and atmosphere that meets the acceptance % to qualify as a safety....that your son would be giddy about attending. I know that it takes a little thinking outside the box ..... but you really would be able to find out about your son. One point of view I took when approaching this was.....set up the scenario that your son must attend/graduate from college to gain access to a sum of money that will mean he is not required to work.....unless he wants to. This helps free some kids up to think about....hmmmmmm near a beach, a special program that seems not so academic but offers major experience in forming character....so much is out there. Invest some time in dreaming to think what a wild hare choice might be. There are many schools with 70+% acceptance rates that are in beautiful, fun geographic locations and that have great opportunities.</p>

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<p>Great summation, Jmmom! Yes, I think it is a rare kid who truly "loves their safeties", PARTICULARLY, at this point in the process - imagine how you would feel if you had poured your heart and soul into a couple of essays, waxing eloquent about how this school would be the perfect choice, and Mom comes along and says "That's fine dear, but you really have to love this other school", and you dashed that online app off in 15 minutes! Most 17 year olds can't make that leap, lots of us 47 year olds couldn't either!</p>

<p>I would add, that things change once the app work is done, and the acceptances start to come in - lists get re-shuffled, the unloved safety may look better after the school begins courting the kid.</p>

<p>Also the child will be well served to try to list what is important to him, and re-evaluate that list throughout the process - if he can say what is most important to him, then it is easy to find schools that have that "thing".</p>

<p>Also, like Jmmom, the thing that worries me from the OP is the lack of enthusiasm over the matches, I would probably try to talk to my kid about that, if he isn't completely burned out over college.</p>

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<p>Hazmat: I have no idea what you are talking about. My D wanted to go to college to be academically stimulated and challenged. She wanted to have some fun, but avoid the party schools and the kids who are not interested in school. She was not looking for beaches, special non-academic programs or beautiful fun locations. I don't think she considered once having a good time for 4 years and then retiring to a life of leisure.</p>

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<p>I understand the global message in your post but how do you address the safety school that the kid doesn't want or refuses to attend? I recall that some parents have posted this......how does that school "courting" the applicant change the fact that the student does not/won't attend? That part is puzzling to me. Of course I have long been puzzled that students seem to have trouble finding a safety that they would love to attend.</p>

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<p>When coming up with safeties, don't forget to consider FINANCIAL safeties. Some schools GAP your need, some schools ask for more info about your finances which affects their determination of your "need."</p>

<p>A safety needs to be a school that admits you, you can afford, and you'd be content to attend.</p>

<p>It is quite smart to find the merit aid private with rolling admissions, allowing you to bee admitted in the fall, thereby developing a certain affection for the school to which you were admitted as you wait & wait & wait for the April 1st notices! That fall admit safety can be even sweeter if you're denied EA/ED.</p>

<p>My oldest is at her safety. It is still "top 50" so, it's not like it was a bad choice, but her biggest problem was too many reaches- either admittance or financial- and not enough choices come spring to really feel like she had a choice. She's almost through and has come around to enjoy many aspects of it, but in her first year, she was certain every one else was having a more exciting college experience than she.</p>

<p>I do think the psychological factor- if she'd had more options, she could have chosen this one with more willingness- is important.</p>

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<p>I think it's important that your kid does not end up with a fi****l of rejections, it can be really discouraging for them. DS has always gone to private schools and had to apply (and test and interview for) nursery school/kindergarten (yup); then elementary school, and then middle/upper school. I have seen the effect of rejection on children, and even at 17 they need a bit of protection. I am making sure DS will have at least 3 acceptances to balance the inevitable rejections. Also the point about rolling admissions schools is a good one; it is good to have some positive news in hand before the APril 1 tough decisions arrive.</p>

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<p>my own little mantra is if the student isn't excited about colleges- or is just excited about the top/reach choice- maybe they aren't ready.</p>

<p>My own opinion is- that when they are really ready to move on- to be challenged- to take another giant step toward "the real world"- that opportunity will be exciting enough- whether it is the flagship U or a big name private school.
Its * college* that should be exciting- not getting into a school with 18% admittance.
When they got their drivers liscence- and perhaps bought their first car- that experience stood on its own- whether they drove a 1995 Ford Escort or a 2003 Porsche Boxster.</p>

<p>While it is important to find a school that is a financial fit- that is equally supporting and challenging- if they aren't really ready-it is going to be harder to find a school that is a realistic choice.</p>

<p>I admit it can be very difficult- from what I have seen the Ivies and similar schools often recruit pretty hard- they really don't need to sell themselves but they send letters with "handwritten notes", mailboxes full of glossy tributes- after that it is hard to see yourself at even AnnArbor or Asheville.( Its like if Brad Pitt sent pictures and letters asking for my phone number- but when I returned his call it was like " I had so many to chose from- and it was really difficult- but I just can't fit you in- sorry KTHS :( )</p>

<p>Id love it if more students would only look at schools that had a reasonable admission rate- and only after they found a good match- considered schools that were much more of a reach.
Im glad schools still have rolling admission- many are great schools- and having an admission under your belt while you are still writing applications for the rest- has to take some of the pressure off</p>

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<p>The oft-repeated CC adage applies to safety schools as well as the entire college selection process: You have to be guided by the student. </p>

<p>My son appeared to be realistic and I believe actually did try to appreciate all of the schools to which he applied, but the safeties and matches simply didn't excite him, even with significant merit aid offers, which would have saved him the necessity of working during the summer and left a decent chunk of money for graduate school.</p>

<p>He didn't unbend about "not-talking-about-college" until the very last week (that story is posted elsewhere) but in May, after we had picked the US school to which a deposit would be sent (awaiting AP results at the end of June) he finally communicated the key evaluation criteria that took shape in his own mind over the course of the process. Paraphrasing slightly, he said: "I do best when I am strongly challenged, otherwise I become lazy. I have too many interests. If I have too much freedom to choose courses, I'm at risk of becoming a dabbler, and I really want to master a few subjects rather then understanding a little about a lot of subjects." The college he chose exemplifies his own top priorities. </p>

<p>This an example of self-knowledge, the "who I am and what I want" gold nuggets that ideally can filter out all the noise in selecting those few colleges that best align with the most important inner qualities of the individual - talents, interests, preferences, strengths, AND weaknesses. Some students are lucky enough to know themselves well at the beginning of the college search (and perhaps are willing to share their knowledge with their parents) and then there are those close-to-the-vest, maddening types(!) who gradually figure it out on their own over time and tell you after the fact! (He's smarter than I am, this is clear evidence - either that or he was studying "The Prince" under the blankets with a flashlight all these years).</p>

<p>In our case, the college selection process for my son was a very different experience than it was for me. I was researching colleges in the same manner as I would undertake a vendor selection process for a big purchase - a top-down approach, based on what I knew about him (the "requirements") matched against "industry-standard criteria" (e.g. excellent professors, bright students, pleasant location, research offerings, performing arts, etc.). I believed this type of approach was the best way to make sense out of chaos - too many schools, too many factors, we need some ORDER here!</p>

<p>By contrast, it took him some time to dig down to the core - what was most important to him - and he wisely (in hindsight) resisted all attempts to boil down the process to a structured, rational, step-by-step approach. Would not attempt to prioritize criteria, said he had no idea, etc. When we went on visits, for me it was about checking boxes - (exceeds, meets, does not meet the criteria) but for him it was a non-verbal, intiutive, feeling centered process (the example I have used on CC was his pithy statement about the student culture of Oberlin - "Too dark."). And he wasn't really excited about any schools he visited, it was more like "Neti, neti" (not this, not this.....). In the end, his college was chosen sight unseen. </p>

<p>Hope I haven't wandered off topic too much........My wish for all CC parents is that your students freely and enthusiastically share their inner priorities with you early in the search! This is the CC equivalent of the prayer "May the wind always be at your back......"</p>

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<p>Wow, who knew that was an offensive word - I just meant a bunch of.</p>