What does "show not tell" mean?

Parents Forum
41

Of course a student would not be admitted on spatial perception alone! But a student who wanted to be an architect, and tied that trait into other experiences that are related to architecture in the future, or a student who wanted to be an algebraic geometer and tied spatial perception in 3D into thinking about results in higher dimensions?

A future mathematician showing creativity and curiosity in the essay would make for a fascinating read for me, but it might be boring to admissions. On the other hand, a student apparently got into Harvard once with a featured personal statement connected with quantum mechanics that–with apologies to the student–really looked rather ho,hum to me.

Here is another of the problems I see: “Humble” apparently sells. But I would think that any truly humble applicant would have to think, “There is no reason that top college X would actually want me over their 30,000+ other applicants.” It reminds me of the moment in Captain America when the bad guy [Red Skull] asks Captain America, “Why you? What makes you special?” [i.e., why was Steve Rogers chosen for the transformation into Captain America?] and Captain America replies, “Nothing.” And yet that’s not exactly the case. Dr. Abraham Erskine, the inventor of the super-serum, has already told Rogers that he was chosen because, “a weak man knows the value of strength, and knows compassion” and “good becomes great.”

The personal statement has to focus on the student, but it can’t be self-focused. It has to be humble, but it has to grab the reader and make the reader think, “We need this student,” etc, etc.

I keep becoming more and more grateful that college admissions for this generation of my extended family is in the past, and for the next generation, it is still in the far future.

I have even less idea of what the colleges really want than I did when I started reading CC. Colleges want students who “get it.” But to be honest, I have next-to-no idea what “it” really is. They want students whose writing makes the admissions staffers think that they really want that student. I have read a number of personal statement by 17-year-olds, some pretty good, but I have never read one by any 17-year-old that would make me think that. Luckily for everyone, I am not connected with admissions.

Do any of the colleges these days tell the students what they actually want in the person statement, or “Is this a test?”

42

"wanted to be an architect, and tied that trait into other experiences "
You missed the earlier point that the PS isn’t about defending your suitability for your desired major.

OP asked about what “show not tell” means.
Can we focus on that, rather than what topics one might personally enjoy some topic or some other question that asks “why this major?”

43

" it can’t be self-focused"
That’s what it is. About thekid. Several have said that.

44

What is the personal statement about, then?
I don’t view architecture as a desired major, I view it as a life’s enterprise. If a young person has architecture in his/her blood, that is a defining characteristic of the person.

The idea that I have gained from the “show, not tell” discussion on CC in the past is that it is not so much about the writing style in the essay (the field where the phrase originated), as it is about having actions on record to point to, that show a track record of something or other

It seems to me that there is a fine line between a statement being self-focused and giving the impression that the applicant is self-absorbed. There are some types of activities and plans for the future that would eliminate this difficulty, but others (STEM) where it would probably be a trap.

Actually, in my opinion, MIT is quite transparent about what they are looking for in an applicant. I would be able to write a really good letter on behalf of a strong applicant for MIT. I would also be able to give pretty good advice about statements that are helpful or not helpful to have in the personal statement for MIT.

Perhaps the advocates of “show, not tell” could do some showing rather than telling about the “it” that applicants are supposed to get. Even just telling about the “it” would probably be helpful.

45

QM, the personal statement or college essay hasn’t changed much over the years. When my daughter was applying to colleges, I bought “On Writing the College Application Essay” by Harry Bauld, and simply left the book on her bed for her to find. I think that book was first published in the late 1980’s. Reading the book was enough for my daughter to get “it”.

I’d admit that the book is long on showing and short on telling, so if you wanted to get a template and a set of clear instructions, perhaps it wouldn’t work.

I think you are right that this discussion on CC has two aspects. One is the essay - the other is the rest of the application.

For the essay, perhaps it could be summed up simply as “don’t be boring.” Not because a boring essay will bring rejection – the essays are only one part of an application, and at less competitive schools they probably matter very little for students who have the requisite stats. But for the more competitive college – then it offers an opportunity like no other, because it is the one part of the application that the student has absolute control over.

For the other parts of the application – yes, it is important to have a record that matches the student’s apparent educational goals.

46

I’d say most important is relevance. In the PS, that’s not any old good essay. And not about someone finding it and knowing it’s “you,” if it isn’t relevant to what they hope to glean about you. Lots of topics may be wriiten brilliantly, and mean little in a college admit review.

It’s not actions on record. That’s the Activities section.

47

On “self-focused”:

The goal of the essay is to convey information about the applicant to the admissions readers. So it has to be about the “self”. But that does not necessarily mean “self-focused”. My daughter’s main essay for U. of Chicago pretty much broke every rule of college essay writing by telling a fictional, humorous story about fictional people, with no mention whatsoever of herself, and yet was extremely honest and self-revelatory, for any adult capable of reading between the lines. And Chicago quite notoriously has essay prompts that do tend to provoke flights of fancy rather than self descriptions – for example: “What’s so odd about odd numbers?” “So where is Waldo, really?” “Find x” "Mind that does not stick.” See https://collegeadmissions.uchicago.edu/apply/uchicago-supplemental-essay-questions for more examples.

But for the more standard essay… I think the difference between self-focused and self-absorbed and the “it” part that many students don’t get is that their essay isn’t ultimately about them, it’s about what they will bring to benefit the college. I mean – a person who goes on a date and spends all their time talking about themselves and how great they are won’t get a second date – instead they need to strike a happy medium between providing enough information to make themselves intriguing and attractive to their date, but conveying the overall message that they will fill the emotional and romantic needs of the person they are dating. It’s tricky… and yet young people, even teenagers, do it all the time.

Colleges don’t have emotional or romantic needs, but in the end when they are sorting through thousands of applications, they are looking out for the college’s needs… not making decisions based on perceived worthiness of the applicant.

I think that’s where the confusion over a trait like great spatial awareness comes from. I can’t speak for @lookingforward - but perhaps when she reads an application essay, she’s doesn’t want to know what the student claims to be good at, but rather how that student will engage with and impact the college community. Does the talent for spatial awareness translate into good problem-solving skills - and if so, how has the student used that to share with or benefit others in the past? Maybe the essay could be about something quite small, such as the process of packing a small suitcase for a long trip. But it would show what the student can do with that skill, in a way that might benefit or be useful to others. The college wants to know, “what’s in it for us?”

That doesn’t have to be spelled out in words: “If I’m admitted, I can help other students arrange the furniture in their dorm rooms more efficiently.” (That’s telling, not showing) But an essay describing how the student solved a problem that the admissions readers can relate to, might also showcase the student’s innate talents.

48

The challenge, calmom, is that other than Chicago, it’s not an intellectual exercise, nor a creative one. In the essay, a kid isn’t meant to “tell” what he’s good at (presumably this has shown up via activities, awards, grades, LoRs.) Nor why he’s suitable for his potential majors (again, that has either come through, you have it, or not. If there’s a question "Why this major?, then sure, go for it.) Nor, “how the student will engage with and impact the college community.” That would also be “telling” (and a measure of speculation, a heap of it) and better for a direct question about that.

The PS. Just a nice tale that illustrates the qualities they look for. Kids aiming high should have the wherewithal to try to look at what the college says and shows. Later, we can help them fine tune their understanding. (But this app process and the emotional investment is about them, not me or anyone here who gives advice. Imo, kids should feel pride that they learned, tried, did their best. We can encourage that. Once they start, we can guide. But not that some adult “told them” and then it worked or they got rejected and they feel dumb.)

Part of show not tell is the examples that speak to the attributes, that show them.

Not sure what is shown- that they want in the class- in a tale of packing well. They want kids who get along, who inspire and can be inspired, lead and follow, try new things, et al. Take on challenges and surmount the stumbles. Can’t a kid find a tale that illustrates a few of those? That is, without turning the essay into one big mosh of what a hero he is.

49

OK, I can see why some of the parents on this thread are baffled about the essay – probably because it’s like art. Hard to define, but you know that what’s good when you see it.

Plus it’s not necessarily a significant reason why one student gets admitted over another, but very often mediocre or prosaic essays written by students who were accepted for other reasons are shared in online blogs or the media as examples of winning essays. And very often students are admitted despite their essays, not because of them.

And for those of whose kids wrote essays that we think were creative or engaging – well, we don’t know that is what got our kids admitted either. Admissions decisions don’t usually specify reasons. The little handwritten post-it note remarking on the essay on the admissions letter means nothing – that’s standard practice at many colleges that still actually send a printed letter of admissions, and I’m sure it is the assigned task of staff in the office to quickly scan every single application for something quick and cordial to write, with the essay being an obvious place to look. (That’s probably a yield-building thing - a personal note from the director of admissions is one way of reaching out. Maybe there’s a thread somewhere on a private forum just for college admissions personnel with tips on writing those little notes).

So I think it may be fairly easy to read an essay and figure out whether it is a gem, or a dud, or something in between – but not at all easy to provide a template or a formula. There is a lot of advice out there on what not to do – but both my kids also wrote on topics that appear on various “avoid” lists… it isn’t the topic so much but how it is handled. And the problem is that creativity and originality are part of the equation … so copying someone else’s winning formula isn’t going to work. Hugh Gallagher may or may not have actually submitted his now-famous “I am a dynamic figure” essay to colleges – and he certainly did end up going to college – but it’s never going to work for anyone else.

There was a CC father awhile back who stressed and moaned and groaned and ranted when his daughter applied to Stanford with an essay about her habit of leaving her dirty socks on the floor. The daughter was admitted to Stanford and I am sure has long since graduated. It wasn’t about the dirty socks and it wouldn’t be about packing a suitcase --those are simply the vehicle that can be used to convey a message about something else.

50

My younger son wrote about learning to fold origami. It showed how he could be self-motivated to learn something and how he figured out how he liked to learn - he liked youtube videos better than books. He started folding origami as a way to not fall asleep in AP Bio, then to produce inexpensive present for friends and then to earn money. He talked about what he did with a self-deprecating sense of humor. Obviously no college needs kids who can fold origami, but the essay showed a couple of different aspects of himself, that do correlate with things a college might want. Creativity, interest in foreign cultures, ability to learn a skill, figuring out how you learn, being honest about who you are. I think those were the main between the lines things in his essay.

51

Anything that shows you felt or thought deeply and shows in a sincere manner what interest you will do. Of course, decent writing helps but not everyone can write beautifully. My kid stayed completely away from reading past essays and just focused on how to convey who he was to the adcom, which was done indirectly. Never talked anything about academics. My only specific advice is to avoid spending too many word about the difficulties you experienced but rather on how you dealt with any difficulty.

52

A great essay can’t overcome other issues, but a bad one can sink you.

Thing is, in an intellectual or analytical essay, you want the author to be somewhat invisible. In an app essay, you want him/her to be present. But not at the expense of the attributes they need to see. So long winded about some difficulty and ‘woe is me’ may shortchange the strengths that came from overcoming or how you evolved for the better, in practice (not just saying so.)

I guess you could get a lot out of packing if that was the context, the springboard for the musings. You wouldn’t want to get distracted by folding, placing, ruminating on that. To put it bluntly, they aren’t looking for packing skills. But if it were to set up, say, thoughts about change, it could show, eg, openness, some grounding, lead into a time that xxx, and positive that came from that.

You wouldn’t want, in contrast, to come across as fearful of change (lol, not when you’re looking to leave home for college.) Or compulsive. Some kids write about family. Sometimes it’s so wistful you can’t imagine them leaving home.

If OPs kid is yet to apply, ask yourself what strengths appear in her essay. Decide if those are relevant, timely, etc, without being braggy. What shows. What the admissions reader can pull from it, that he or she wants to see come through. That’s what it’s really about.

53

Another example from one of my kid’s experience, which seemed to work for him. He was applying to LACs, most of which emphasized commitment to diversity and community. As an upper middle class white male, he didn’t check any boxes on there. But, he had a lot of experience from his ECs in terms of being part of a diverse community so we “reverse engineered” how to show that he was someone who valued and would support a small school’s community. His essay wove anecdotes together about his experiences in his primary EC, showing how integral he was to that community in a funny, sweet way. The essay never mentioned the word diversity, rather, it was the stories and the setting which demonstrated his experiences, and therefore, his character and qualities.

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Be authentic, be memorable and use an active voice. Make them feel your experience.

55

From Hack the College Essay 2017:

"Unfortunately, students are told to “show not tell”
or even worse “use all five senses.” At first glance this advice sounds similar to “stick to your facts,” but
it often leads to opposite results.
Here’s an example from the final draft of the essay written by a champion fencer, Kate, in an
expensive weeklong workshop on the college essay. (Kate’s mother sensed something was wrong and
sent her my way.)

I dropped the tip of my foil below my opponent’s bell guard, cautiously advancing while searching for a
vulnerable target. Proper distance, perfect hand position, and relaxed shoulders are what I have in mind as I find
the open flank and accelerate into a lunge. Beautiful, I think to myself, until I realize that I’ve missed completely
and have been hit on the counter attack. “Nice action,” my coach comments from the sideline, as he paces around
the rickety, musty building. “But don’t miss.”

A teacher at the workshop had told Kate to “show, not tell” and then signed off on her essay. Kate is
certainly working hard to describe something, but what is it? And as the reader, why don’t I care?
Despite its many details, this feels like it could have been written by anyone. Why? Because
Kate shows us an anonymous fencer rather than herself.
The details seem made up. Do you really believe that the narrator thought to herself
“beautiful!” after her lunge but before she noticed that she missed? Was the building’s musty smell
really on her mind? Don’t be fooled by “polished” writing. Kate’s account just doesn’t add up.
A good college essay spends less time worrying about how things might appear to the world,
and more time considering how they actually appear to you. Too many essays adopt the voice of the
disinterested observer, a fly on the wall who has no stake in the story. People think they need to be
objective. Why would you want to be objective?
“Objective” means something not influenced by you, and “subjective” describes the way you
specifically experience something. You are the subject of your essay, so tell things from your own
subjective stance. Just let yourself react to things as you think of them.
Kate’s fencing anecdote was boring because it was just a blow-by-blow description of what
could have happened to any fencer. The advice “show don’t tell” often leads to bogus dramatizations
of this kind. It sounds made-up, and therefore like anyone could have written it. She got so involved
in painting the picture that she forgot the job, which is to write the essay no one else could.
Just tell what happened. Don’t outsmart yourself by hunting around for details that aren’t
relevant to you, or dramatizing details because you think they sound great. It won’t get you in. The
good news is that it’s easy to avoid this kind of writing if you stick to the facts— yours."

"
You don’t want to be mistaken for everyone else, so don’t say what everyone else can say. Say
what only you can say. Share your real thoughts, not supposedly profound ones. Because no matter
how small they seem, your real thoughts will be fresh and interesting and memorable, because they
are personal and true and yours alone. Look at this before-and-after example:

Living on a farm with relatives afforded me the chance to mature as a person and to learn the importance of
personal responsibility.

He’s saying what he thinks admissions wants to hear. But we talked about it, and I happen to know that
Fritz really does think the farm changed him. But “maturity” and “personal responsibility” are things
everyone can write about it. Even if it’s true, it won’t get him in.

When he shares his thinking without being deep, the result is much better:

Living in Ipswich Gardens with my stepdad Luke, I learned the hard way about needing to pull my own weight: if
you don’t water the lettuce in June, there is literally no salad at dinner in August.

Now he’s pulled something from himself that is personal and genuine. He might still reveal a truth
about personal responsibility, but it relies on a specific place, a specific family member, and a specific
vegetable. "

56

After reading through all the responses I keep coming back to the similarity college essays have to a cover letter in a job application. Why should we hire you? What are you going to do for us? The resume or application form has the details of what you have done so you don’t repeat what is on the resume and application, but the cover letter takes the history and stats and adds the personal. Even though it is all about the applicant, it still needs to tie into why those characteristics and traits benefits the organization. So just writing “I am a team player” isn’t showing enough, anyone can say that and the resume already has that you were a member of a team. But if the cover letter describe how you stayed on and didn’t quit when the company was going under and everyone was jumping ship because of loyalty to the owner (example). And ultimately, it matters if being a team player is important to the company as to how significant that essay is. On a college essay you can show and not tell, but still not show something that the school is interested in. It has to start with the goals of the school. If you “show” that you are a great rule follower and worked your way to eagle scout or certificate of merit level 10, and you are applying to a college that highly values risk taking and creativity, it might be a great essay, and you could be an exceptional student, but not necessarily for that school.

57

Absolutely students need to know their audience! My daughter wrote about being a non catholic in a catholic school. It was a great essay that showed a ton of her personality and who she is, but would have been horrible to send to lets say, Notre Dame.

58

Exactly, and some of that comes back to fit and college selection. That is - the student who has the experience & qualities that the college is likely to appreciate is going to find it a lot easier to share that on an application than the student whose talents lie elsewhere. So it may be that part of the process of preparing an app may at times lead to a re-evaluation of the college list.

59

“Absolutely students need to know their audience!”

Right, but the audience for the common app essay is all the schools you’re applying to or say for the UC common app, all the UCs, so you have to be a little more general in that one. Of course in the supplemental essays you can talk about college-specific things.

60

But that’s the point of developing a fit-based college list. If a student is dead-set on applying to colleges with very different agendas, then that student might need to consider the option of submitting different essays to different colleges – the common app does allow for that. (Write essay; submit to college A; revise essay, submit to college B; rework essay, submit to college C… etc. ). More labor intensive, obviously – but the system does allow for that.

That couldn’t be done with UC apps – but there aren’t stark differences in admissions criteria from one UC to the next, and I think the applicant would do best to target the essay to to the campus they most want to attend in any case.