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<p>What I have been surprised by, both by my own child and the ones on this thread, is how fast this ‘blooming’ can happen once a kid hits college.</p>
<p>Seems that, removed from parental constraints, all kinds of things come out of our kids that we didn’t know were there. Yes, some are unpleasant, but it seems lots of good stuff comes out of them too :). Unexpectedly.</p>
<p>My S has learned all about curtain rods - the different types, how to install them, etc. He and his roommate installed curtains in their frat room (he figured curtains were cheaper and less likely to break than blinds or a shade) and were also installing them in some of the common areas of the building (entryway, etc). This is a kid whose idea of how to decorate his freshman dorm room was, “I dunno, blue I guess, with some ski posters.” He also told me he spent an hour fixing the frat’s vacuum cleaner. I suspect that was the first time in his life he’s touched a vacuum cleaner, except when cleaning out his car. And people think the only thing you can learn living in a fraternity is how to drink…</p>
<p>S is freshman at very expensive art program…and we parents are as non-artistic as you can get. Our feelings about his undergraduate college were summed up by younger D who said at launch last month…it is like a cool expensive summer camp, you know, arts and crafts and stuff. Our jaws dropped when he waxed lyrical on FB about his newly acquired skills as a welder…yup, our son with-super-SAT-scores…the welder…actually, while we joke about it we are quite proud…no one in our family does anything remotely manual. Also, there have been unexpected positive externalities…suddenly, artist son is hot commodity with the newly joined robotic club (what a combo, hmm?) and could he work on go-carts for spring races too? Unfortunately he doesn’t have the bod or the tattoos to go with the traditional welder image, but I suspect the girls will find the geeky welder combo hard to resist.</p>
<p>hyeon,</p>
<p>I want to sign up for some “classes” with your investment strategist son; certainly can use some knowledge there. </p>
<p>Just as ihs stated, there are some amazing positives coming out in our kids! Keep the stories coming. Many of your experiences are uplifting and cheerful!</p>
<p>evolving and ihs,</p>
<p>like you said, I think the first year of college is a period of amazing personal growth and development. This S1 I am talking about has always been a sort of thoughtful and mature (for his age), but not highly notably so until this summer.</p>
<p>But, this summer, I am seeing a totally different being. I now have an entirely different kind of conversation with him - really two adults sharing a lot of our observations of the world we live in. Honestly, I believe, now, he is more mature, wise, and thoughtful than I. Emotionally, I can be volatile. He is anything but. </p>
<p>The other day, I was sharing my thoughts about parenting with him. I said I never had the aptitude of a more naturally gifted, perfect mother. I tried to be a conscientious parent, dutifully doing what I can and am going at, but still have never been anywhere near those “natural” magicians like my husband or for that matter the woman who took care of him and his brother for 14 years while I was working. </p>
<p>My son said, “don’t you realize that in trying your best to be a conscientious parent, you became that perfect parent you thought you were not?” I never expected to hear that from a 19 year old - this is something I thought I would hear at my death bed or funeral… I was so moved.</p>
<p>I am hoping S2 will in time mature. He is still very much a teenager complete with “I am going to do X because you want me to do Y” routine.</p>
<p>After only a few months in college D1 became a rabid fan of the local major league baseball team. This after having spent the prior 18 years of her life completely ignoring the perfectly good MLB team of the city in which she was raised.</p>
<p>hyeon,</p>
<p>What your son said to you brought tears to my eyes. I can imagine the direct effect on you. One of the greatest rewards in life is to be acknowledged in the love, work and responsibilities you have given yourself to over the years.</p>
<p>While my son has not shared the same thoughts as yours (which are really special ones), he was the one to comfort me when I felt bad about his separating from us. 1) He said, “Mom, think of my going away to college as an extended summer camp for me.” 2) He also said, “Mom, I’ll come back because you have been good to me.” 3) When my husband occasionally complained of DS being too indulged, sonny’s response was, “If you ask if I have been deprived, I can definitely say I have not been deprived. I have received a lot.” </p>
<p>I agree with you, sometimes they can be wiser or more emotionally mature than we expect and even more mature than the parent.</p>
<p>Evolving,</p>
<p>Your sound sound amazing. What strikes me is his level of empathy, and the maturity that allows him to express it and share it. That is precious. I believe true kindness to others starts with empathy. If you can’t feel/understand what others feel, how can you be “kind” in a way others need it, rather the way that makes you feel good about yourself for being kind. These are two very different things…</p>
<p>Hyeon,</p>
<p>I know. That is why I miss my son. He really has great emotional maturity and wisdom (though he can at times be too stoic when it comes to his own feelings). I remember his wrapping his arms around another child who was crying when he was only 3 or 4 years old.</p>
<p>You know what, you are making me happy, thinking about how great our kids are (yours with the investment know how, entrepreneurial strengths, appreciation of his mom’s efforts on his behalf and mine because I know he will succeed given his combination of emotional/social/ academic intelligence). </p>
<p>And, of course, all the other kids described here. That is what this college process is, to allow them to find the best in themselves as well as to work on their shortcomings. We are fortunate our kids can go through this special process, as bittersweet as it can be.</p>
<p>Haha, evolving,</p>
<p>perhaps we should keep it low key. Some may think this kind of overt demonstration of mutual admiration society code of conduct is too much. </p>
<p>I will say one more thing before I go “low key”. That level of empathy your son is displaying from early age on came from you and your husband. No way a kid who has not been on a receiving end of such kindness and empathy knows how to bestow that upon others. I believe you need to experience love before you can give love. Kudos to you and your husband. Your son is a very fortunate young man.</p>
<p>I liked the welding story. D took art courses for her major and learned, among other things, woodworking and welding. She was excited and I was somewhat surprised.</p>
<p>S joined Film Society and really REALLY got into films. He has held offices in the group and now discusses directors, lighting, typography of credits, and so forth…whereas at home in HS he would often ignore the wonderful movies I tried to interest him in!</p>
<p>DD joined her school rugby team. I think it must be every mother’s dream to have her daughter play rugby! I guess all those dance lessons weren’t really necessary. Her decision to play rugby didn’t come totally out of left field as she was always into sports and swam and ran XC and track in HS but seriously, rugby??</p>
<p>I don’t think my jaw dropped but things my D has called about have me laughing to myself. She called to complain about her messy roommate. I told her I could sympathize, I have messy roommates also! The roommate leaves and doesn’t turn off the lights and turns down the air conditioning. Wow, I also have roommates who do the same thing. I emphasized with her and gave her some coping techniques to deal with things (mostly it’s hard to live with someone else and you have to have a meeting with the roommate). </p>
<p>About the welding fineartsmajormama, my very girly girl thinks welding is very cool. She took a stained glass class and found her art, she was very good at it. </p>
<p>Also I heard my S talk about concrete canoe competitions. Apparently his school is at a disadvantage because they don’t have any art majors. They really want artistic people to help pretty up the canoe and that is where a lot of subjective points are. All those engineers love a welder who can make pretty lol!</p>
<p>^^ As I recall a young lady two years behind me in college joined our rugby team. She had been a Junior Miss Tennessee in HS.</p>
<p>D asked me for help with planning for upcoming expenses the other day and was upset when I told her she should probably hold off on buying a car for another year. She’s used to me taking care of repairs, maintenance, etc. but I won’t be able to do that for her via long distance. I told her it was ultimately her decision since she’s an adult now and it’s her money. She emailed me to say, “Yes, I know you think it’s my decision but you know that I ALWAYS do what you tell me to because you’re ALWAYS right.”! I had no idea…</p>
<p>Yep, my sweet little Texas Barbie doll is running a circular saw in theatre tech class - even went out and bought herself a tool belt and work gloves (pink, of course!)</p>
<p>Quick note of advice to parents. Rather than praise your kids until earth’s end about doing things like this, don’t you think that these are things that they should be expected to do anyway? (I.E. I know my parents would just be mad at me if I WASN’T doing these things).</p>
<p>Reinforcement by expectation. That’s my motto.</p>
<p>Quick note of advice to collegedude: wait until you have 18 or so years of parenting under your belt before you correct your elders. :D</p>
<p>dude–The point is, these parents didn’t EXPECT their kids to join the rugby team or run a circular saw. </p>
<p>My friend’s son took tapdance for PE. Totally outside the box.</p>
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<p>Tell her there is nothing sexier than a woman in a tool belt! :)</p>