Just wanted to mention that you might want to avoid the Anna Pigeon series by Nevada Barr if you don’t want a bunch of other things to worry about! Nevada Barr Book List Page
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^^ great point - have learned this slowly and try to pass this on to my kids as much as I can!
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It can sometimes be difficult to control our urge to jump in and help our adult children, not that they asked for our help. But we are programmed to care, and we sometimes have to wrestle with ourselves to let them figure things out themselves. This has been a great thread for helping you to feel more at peace with your S’s decisions, and I’m sure that’s been helpful. I love CC for that! As I mentioned earlier, I struggle with myself at times when it comes to worrying about my 30 year old S (I no longer worry about his older sister, so there’s hope for the future). He is currently on a two week solo trip in Arizona & California, and any worries I have had (and thankfully kept to myself) have been replaced by pride in how he has handled all of the planning & execution, as well as the inevitable bumps that have been in that road. Just keep believing in his ability to make good decisions for himself, @bopambo.
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I read “government job” and am thinking “health care and retirement benefits”. Clearly that is not quite true yet but it appears he is well on this way.
I’d like to add another comforting thought for OP: the biggest risk for families falling apart and imploding financially is a mental health crisis of a parent, earner and/or caregiver. That risk is so much diminished working a job you love, with a healthy work life balance, getting exercise and spending time in nature.
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A couple of things related to the OP or similar situations. Or actually many situations. Preventative measures so to speak.
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Let’s stop pushing kids to a field/specific degree when they are 18 and in or graduating from high school. Let them explore fields at college or take a gap year or pursue a field they think they want at 18 but then are afraid to change when they are 20 and cause parent disappointment. Support the career path from the start as soon as they start thinking post-HS graduation. Support just means listen and guide - not pressure and “or else”. IMO.
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When they find whatever job gives them that first paycheck - whether it is paying $35K a year or $135K per year, suggest they start budgeting. There are budget tracking apps or an excel sheet will do. It’s a concrete method and works no matter how much $$ is in your bucket. It’s a visual way for them to forecast their financial future and a good time to engage them in this is when they first start that post graduation (HS or college) job.
Can’t make them do it of course. But if presented in a positive manner, (planning for a trip or buying a long coveted item) as a method to their means, they might be willing to set up a budget.
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If our kids absolutely had a passion for something, we’d definitely let them explore it.
However, if they really didnt know what they wanted to do, we’d encourage them to explore a career with better financial outcomes.
Money cant buy happiness but it helps with financial security. Unfortunately it’s just a reality that wealth creates flexibility.
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I have a good friend who dropped out of medical school after the first year to become a ranger. She married a state park ranger and for a while, she was a middle school science teacher because there were no openings where he was stationed. But eventually, they both found jobs they liked in the state park system and she has never been sorry that she made the change. Lots less money, but good pensions, put two kids through college, own their home, and are able to travel now in retirement as they want. It worked for them.
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My Ds are both school teachers so neither will ever make huge money, but neither of them can imagine doing anything else.
My SiL is also an interesting case study. BA in history, MA in public history. He had put together a set of part-time gigs at historical sites and free-lancing to make a decent income. The sites both have a large number of part-time slots and very few full-time jobs.
His boss at one of the sites got promoted and he recently got a full-time gig with benefits. Probably won’t be rich but certainly earns enough.
He and my D were able to recently buy a condo so I think they are going to be fine.
I’ve shared my story before. I’m a lifelong fed and at this point I earn way, way more than a decent wage and since I’ve put a ton into the TSP, I’m going to be able to retire at 58 and have a great rest of my life.
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Thx for serving our country. The federal government employees are under appreciated and help us all, whether we realize it or not.
I think when you say your two daughters couldn’t imagine doing anything else - not many of us can say that and that’s a hugely important and impactful nugget that’s missing. 1. Gotta pay the bills. 2. If you can and you can love what you’re doing….you’ve won the career lottery. 3. Hope they are saving for retirement. 4. I hope the local and state govts don’t drive them away from what they love.
Love your note. Thanks for sharing.
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Wow! Congratulations!!
Off the payroll as H would say.
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I told my daughter that she can major in anything she wants, but she has to support herself with it. That’s just part of being a functioning grown-up. We don’t expect her to make a lucrative living, but we do expect her to be self-reliant. She’s extremely independent anyway, so I don’t imagine that’ll be a problem for her. Then we have an empty nest! Woohoo!
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I always have to remind myself this mantra as well. I know I will always worry to some degree because I’m a worry wart by nature and that’s what we do as parents. But at some point gradually you do begin losing the right to have a vote in anything that happens, whether it’s by our kids’ own choice or something that happened to them (the latter we never had a vote in anyway). I’ll always be there to lean on if asked (I had to edit this to qualify - NOT financially support but if they’re waiting for their house to close and need a couch to sleep on for short term, sure! Beyond that, I do plan to downsize). I hope that I can trust enough to let go when not asked. I have a 50 year old coworker going through a divorce and possibly other issues at the moment - i wonder sometimes if this 50 year old’s mom is still sleepless and worried about him — that bond is both the blessing and curse of parenthood! The difference is at some point, we can and should let go as parents and hopefully come to peace that we did a fine job raising our kids, and our adult child will figure out and get through any and all of life’s challenges that may come their way, not necessarily painlessly but they will come through it - one way or another - just as we did.
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My mom still worries about me. She always asks what I am having for dinner (I talk to her everyday). She tells me when I am too skinny or too fat (yes she does). When I was younger I used to get annoyed with my mom’s nagging, but now I think it’s a blessing. I nod and smile.
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Have to agree with this. I too spoke to my mom every day while she was alive and she often worried/counseled me. Nagged me about eating regularly, asking me not to stress out …that’s just what a parent does! And I miss her and those interactions so very much.
But back to the main question of the thread, I think as long as the profession/income makes the kid happy and is enough for them to sustain a lifestyle they want, I am ok with it. They were very well aware that if they wanted to keep the same lifestyle they were used to at home, they would have to work for it. And thankfully, both are doing fine.
Although both are very glad to have mom and dad sponsor the international vacations (and we are glad to do this since we get to spend time with both of them!). Who knows how things will change when SOs are involved.
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I wish my D were healthy enough to hold any job. The vocational expert testified before a judge that there is no job in the US she could hold. I’d love it if she were healthy enough to hold any job and support herself. As it is, we love the kid on the couch and hope treatments will improve for her. So far in 20+ years there hasn’t been much progress, sadly.
That’s just one more perspective.
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Here’s to the future. 
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@bethy1, you are most of the way there. I think the next tranche of money affords security. I think that adds happiness and reduces anxiety. Beyond health, housing, welfare and what I’d call security, behavioral economics studies suggest that money does not buy happiness.
We have a lot of relatively well-to-do friends. Many of them do work they also like and generally they seem reasonably happy. But, I work with a number of corporate execs and most of their jobs do not seem to be happiness-creating.
I have encouraged our kids to find work that a) gives them a sense of meaning; b) treats them well by however they define being treated well (which can include money); and c) they are good at.
Both kids observed ShawWife and me. ShawWife is a very talented artist (many one person shows at galleries and museums and work in museum collections) who is just starting to make much money. She has always worked to be cash flow positive, but my income (from work that meets the three criteria above) can be 50 times higher or more (depend upon the year, of course). ShawSon who (unlike me) has artistic talent explicitly said, I’m going to do art on the weekends like a friend of ours and take a job more like Dad’s. He is among the least materialistic people that I know – people thought his wedding registry was a joke because they only asked for inexpensive things – but he will do very well to ridiculously well financially as he is a co-founder of a venture-backed Silicon Valley fintech startup. ShawD is more thing-oriented and has chosen a job that she finds meaningful and pays pretty well. So, our kids observed us and chose away from the lower end.
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Seems like if he had an “ordinary” income job, he would end up being a “millionaire next door” or an (accidental) “FIRE” practitioner. Of course, having an even higher income isn’t worse… I guess if he eventually has kids going to college, he won’t be the one complaining about not being able to afford college for them.
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My kids were raised in a diverse area in terms of socioeconomics. They saw from a young age how challenging it was to be poor … little kids tell all, and some of their elementary school classmates shared details of their lives that my kids understood to be challenges related to not having enough money for basic needs. They grew up wanting to have jobs that allow them a certain minimum standard of living. Money doesn’t drive them, but it does inform them. S would have loved to have toured in a band, but he realized that it would most likely lead to a more financially challenging adulthood than he wanted. His guitar teacher is still in a touring band, trying to make it … he’s in his late 40’s and living in conditions my S would not want to live in. So S chose a different path. I would be worried if my kids chose paths that might lead to band-going-nowhere poverty, but I wouldn’t worry about them if they were in a job that would allow them to meet basic needs.
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