<p>My Colgate has a 250 or fewer word supplemental essay asking this question:
What is the one thing you would bring with you to Colgate?</p>
<p>I believe they mean quality of character, but I chose to interpret it another way. Tell me what you think. (Btw, I redid the other essay I showed you guys but I can't post it right now because my other computer is broken)</p>
<p>Ok here goes:</p>
<p>After much thought and careful consideration, I would have to promise to bring my PS2 to Colgate. I'd be sure to share my PS2 with everyone in my dorm-- I would not be stingy with the PS2. I think that hogging a PS2 is one of the worst things you can do to other people, so I would be sure to let everyone have a fair turn.</p>
<p>I believe by bringing my PS2, I would contribute to a diverse environment of other gadgetry, such as GameCubes and Xboxes. My PS2 and I would be complex and interesting additions to Colgate.</p>
<p>To be sure, I would probably not be alone in bringing a PS2 to Colgate. Other people likely have the same plan. But how many of them can say they've had their PS2's since the day PS2 hit stores? Not many. My PS2 is an early edition, a reliable old friend who's been with me for many years. My PS2 is invaluable, because it knows me better than most of my friends. It knows my gaming preferences, my reaction times, my hand/eye coordination-- in short, it is a companion.</p>
<p>I feel confident that if I brought my PS2 to your university, all parties would benefit. We would greatly impact Colgate for the better. I am sure that Colgate is also a fantastic environment for us, and we hope that we will be able to experience it.</p>
<p>This essay does not meet the standards of excellent writing that you exhibit elsewhere. I know you are trying to be witty, but it comes across choppy and kind of boring.</p>
<p>To be honest, I'm not sure that I can think of anything worse than a video game console to write about in the answer to this question. Maybe writing about bringing your AK-47 machine gun to college would be worse, but not by much.</p>
<p>Since you asked, I will be honest. I do not think the topic you picked is that suitable. If you were going to pick a tangible object, it might be better to pick something where you could show your contribution to campus life...ie, your instrument, your soccer cleats, etc. Or you could bring some "quality" like your desire to organize a political group, or your background in community service organizations with hopes to start one on campus, etc. </p>
<p>In your case, you picked something....and I am guessing...is PS2 a Playstation? Even IF you use this essay, not everyone knows what PS2 is...I did not figure that out until later in the essay. But in any case, what is it you want to show the college about you? Emphasizing playing computer games is likely not what they are looking for (not that it is a bad thing but it would be like saying you will bring your blender for some good dorm parties). I don't think these sorts of activities are the positive contributions they are looking for you to make to campus life so much even if they are things kids do like to do. It is not your best quality, if you know what I mean. They want to see kids contributing to the campus organizations, teams, etc. on campus. While you may be able to contribute to the party life on campus and that is ok, that is not the most redeeming thing about you that they should know. </p>
<p>Before you write ANY college essay, you should brainstorm "marketing points" or traits/characteristics about yourself that you are hoping to show colleges. Then your essays should be narratives that demonstrate whichever of these qualities you are hoping for them to know. I am not sure what trait here you want them to know but about your contributions to the party life with you computer toys. </p>
<p>Think about changing topics. Plus the writing is simplistic. You are telling but not showing....tell a story that shows who you are. </p>
<p>When I first read the question I thought about what were you bringing as a person that would contibute to the college community, I did not think about tangible objects</p>
<p>Right, that's the whole point. It's sort of a tongue in cheek response to what I'm sure can be a really boring essay. "I'll bring my determination", "I'll bring my spunk", "I'll bring my dead grandma's wish for me to go to a good college"</p>
<p>It's different, pretty much. It's clearly supposed to be funny...but if you look at it closer, it does say a lot about my personality. Write with your own voice, right?</p>
<p>babybird, another parent perspective here. Your essay is different, but I didn't find it funny at all. I also didn't have a sense of your personality at all. I thought "what an odd essay for a prospective college student to include with their application". I'm not sure that colleges are looking for "tongue in cheek" responses to their essay prompts. Since you want feedback, I would suggest you rewrite your essay with a topic of sincerity and realism, not humor or tongue in cheek. This essay will be your first impression in writing...make it a positive one. I doubt that most colleges are looking for a treatise on video games (which, I agree you didn't explain well for the uninformed).</p>
<p>It is different, but I would choose some other object....</p>
<p>Plus, the wit doesn't come out in the piece, it just sounds elementary. I agree with trying to break up a dismal essay topic but not sure about the whole PS2 thing.</p>
<p>Babybird, nobody is saying you have to bring an intangible object like "determination". If you want to bring an object, it could be along the lines of bringing your art supplies because you are an artist, or an instrument to keep playing in the school groups. Or it could be a special memento of someone or some time in your life that then leads into an essay of what that person or experience was so memorable for you. It could be a photograph of someone. It could be your tennis racquet hoping to play intramurals. The thing you bring should then lead us into showing something about you, and I am not talking your strength in video games or adding to the party life. </p>
<p>to me, the funniest part of it is that it's so "elementary" and straight forward in its language. I'm clearly biased, but the open tone in the whole essay seems to be the humor.</p>
<p>Sometimes it seems that when they ask to get a true sense of your personality in essays, they really don't want it at all. I knew no one would like it on here, and I'll most likely rewrite it. Then I'll post it here and we'll compare. =)</p>
<p>At the end of the day it is your essay and you are free to write and submit whatever you want. If you feels that an essay about a play station 2 is showing you at your best self and reflects your true personality, then go for it.</p>
<p>However, you have posted asking for the advice of parents none of us who really have the magic formula to get you where you want to go. Sense of humor essays in and of themselves are tough because every one does not have the same sense of humor. I love a good laugh just as much as the next person and I found no humor in the essay. Please take our comments in the spirt in which they have been given as we are not trying to tear you down but trying to give advice in helping you to show your best self just as we would our own children.
All the best</p>
<p>B-Bird: I would think that Colgate, like all LAC's, wants students who will participate in the community of learners. If your 'companion' is a video game machine, then I would would be concerned that you would rather be playing video games than particpating in educational discussions, etc.</p>
<p>BB--I think I can see what you were trying to do with your essay--what effect you were after. There seems to be a pattern in the way the paragraphs are set up that parodies what one could expect in an essay on a more sophisticated subject. Therefore, I understand your desire to defend your choice. The problem is that I saw this only after reading your defense of the choice. Your readers at the college won't have that advantage; thus, you will be put at a decided DISadavantage by this response. As someone else said, deciding to submit this essay is, of course, entirely up to you, but speaking as someone who cares because you do, please don't.</p>
<p>Okay, after your explanation, I see that you were trying to be funny, to write a parody, but I don't think this is the right place to do that. My initial reaction (before the explanation) was you don't think enough of Colgate to give a serious answer to their essay question--in other words, what you wrote came across to me as blowing off their essay question. I don't know how selective Colgate is, so don't know if that perception would affect your chances for admission.</p>
<p>Babybird,
I am sorry if my first reply was dismissive. I think each answer, short or long, is a chance to tell something about your self. Not all the answers have to be "deep and introspective." However, it is worth looking at your application and seeing if there is one element of yourself that you did not fully develop elsewhere that you want the school to know about you- and let this be the theme. </p>
<p>I have seen elsewhere, in addition, that essays about Dungeons and Dragons and that genre are definitely off base. I would put essays about video games in the same category- unless you have founded a video game company etc...</p>
<p>The short answers are a chance to be a bit more breezy- I agree, but I think Colgate takes themselves very seriously...(we visited this summer and really liked it as well) and it is a tough place to get into...</p>
<p>i think its good and fairly witty, although not terribly so. if you have a very girl-like persona in the rest of your application, they might find it intriguing and fresh that you would be an avid PS2 player. i know someone who put "watch the simpson's" as his number1 hobby who got into my school.</p>
<p>i would go with it. it's risky and as long you understand it, you can go a little more in-depth. talk about it like you know what you're talking about instead of doing the false tone that you have now. i'd mention specific games, even controversial ones like the GTA series.</p>