Funny, this thread made me remember D’s youth track coach. He and the majority of the team members were African-American, some of whom came from working class backgrounds. This guy saw himself as a mentor, and would give the kids lectures about all kinds of things (like bras) you would never in a million years hear a coach talk to kids about about in a white suburban sports league. One of his pet peeves was that the kids would show up with ashy knees and elbows. He would keep body lotion in the first aid box and make them put it on. He had to explain to them that that is what they needed to do at home. It’s hard for most of us to imagine a home with no body lotion, or parents not teaching their kids grooming habits or taking care of stuff like this for them when they’re young, but apparently they didn’t. There is a girl on D’s high school team who uses Vaseline on her legs during track season. It leaves grease stains on the school uniform, yet she keeps using it.
“An acquaintance of mine works with at-risk young men from urban environments. He says it is hard to fathom all the social knowledge most of us have without ever consciously learning it, that these kids now have to deliberately study in order to make it out of the ghetto.”
This is a great point, IMO, and I agree far more relevant than whether one actually has a tux.
“It’s hard for most of us to imagine a home with no body lotion, or parents not teaching their kids grooming habits or taking care of stuff like this for them when they’re young, but apparently they didn’t.”
On a visit home from college recently, my daughter was shocked to see a billboard somewhere in our city instructing children to brush their teeth for 2 minutes/day. It had never occurred to her that parents would not instruct their children on personal hygiene (or, I suppose, that children would never have visited a dentist).
However, I don’t think these kinds of extremes are what this thread is about – at least I hope!
I think those extremes, both social and monetary, are exactly what this thread is about. @TheGFG posts #398 and #400 are spot on. Some of you need to read them again.
^ “some of you” would not be I. I have read the thread – every post. The original discussion centered more around dress variations than brushing teeth. The latter is an extreme.
One of my kids became good friends with a young African American man from DC. His parents did a fabulous job raising him in a very tough part of town. I would be honored to have him as a son. DH and I spent a lot of time talking to him about credit cards, car loans, renting apartments and other personal finance/life issues that we’d discussed with our kids over the years. We didn’t know about that stuff in our own families and wanted to pass what we’d learned on to our kids. There is a lot that we assimilate without realizing that not everyone gets that same kind of exposure.
GFG, great post.
So, let’s call it out. What are the explicit social things that a person without money might not be aware of? I’m not saying “don’t have the money for” - I’m talking about social / life skills.
- That it’s ok to ask (politely) for an exception to a rule if there is an extenuating circumstance - you never know til you try and the worst thing that happens is that the person says no.
What’s the next?
Well written Aunt Bea, and I (and I hope many) do understand. Question: (if you don’t mind) in retrospect, do you regret the experience? As my son weighs options, I worry about fit most of all. Academically talented, well rounded kids of character likely will survive anywhere, but a great fit helps a student thrive. Outsider status, well, is that a seed on rocky soil?
I’m still wrestling with the first example that Pizzagirl presented in #406. It’s generally obnoxious to ask for an exception to a rule. Rules are made to facilitate fair and even treatment and asking implies something…I’m not sure what, yet.
I agree. In many cultures, rules are not just the standard, they are the norm to which you are judged against. Native Hawaiians have a word for those who think they are the exception to the rule, and that it’s ok to ask–maha’oe. It literally means culturally insolent and inpertinent–I like this word.
Oh goodness sakes, I’m not saying ask for an extension on your term paper because you have a hangnail.
What is the word for the ones (generic question, not addressing Hawaiians) who steal/copy/cheat on standardized testing? There are those who feel the rules don’t apply to them. But there are also people who do qualify for exceptions to “rules” under ADA. Different situation, but just speaking to rule exceptions. Carry on.
I can’t help but think about the rather surprising number of parents who asked about getting rule exceptions during the tours of “top colleges” we’ve taken. My sense was that they were accustomed to getting exceptions where they came from.
"What are the explicit social things that a person without money might not be aware of? "
Asking for exceptions to rules is a good example.
Another is being familiar with foods outside of your own culture. Not knowing what sushi or pad thai is, or that other people eat them all the time and think they’re as normal as cornflakes…that makes you stand out in a bad way.
GFG- great post.
Social/life skills- a professor does not expect you to reciprocate if he/she invites you home for dinner. You do, however, need to RSVP, and no, your significant other is not included in the invitation unless specified, or unless he/she got his own invite because he/she is in the class. If you read online that you should show up at a dinner party with a bottle of wine and you are underage, you should not bring a bottle of wine to a professor’s house. (even if you routinely buy alcohol for you and your friends).
If you are the recipient of a named scholarship, fellowship, grant, etc. and your department sends you an email “suggesting” that you write a thank you note (with the name and address of the recipient- either the grant officer from a foundation or a family member of the donor) this is not a suggestion. This is what you need to do, especially if there is a possibility of future funding. A note is a note- four lines expressing gratitude, pointing out what you did or are doing with the money and why it will benefit your education, and adding how much you appreciate the opportunities you are getting at University X. This is not considering “sucking up”- this is what you do.
If a professor writes on a paper “you may want to consult XYZ source in the future” this is also not a suggestion- this is a tactful way of telling you that you’ve got a gap in your general knowledge which you need to fix. However, suggestions on the official syllabus “Extra reading for those who are interested includes the following books/monographs” is indeed- extra reading, i.e. a suggestion.
When you are asking for an exception (extra time on a deadline, rescheduling when you have a lab conflict with a review session for another class, an extra two weeks on a payment without incurring a fee or penalty) giving the person you are asking as much time as possible is a good thing. The closer to the deadline, the more irritating the request, unless it’s truly an emergency. (we learned this- and I thought I had PLENTY of social capital. An outside scholarship payment to one of my kids was going to be after the deadline when the semester needed to be paid in full. I called the day we got the bill to speak with someone in the bursar’s office, and was told, “Oh, thanks for letting us know. I just went into your account and got you an extension. We really appreciate you not letting us know the date the payment is due which is what most people with an outside scholarship do”.)
Carry on.
Knowing how to drive a car.
Understanding that private doctor’s offices are not like walk-in clinics and appointments are required.
Knowing you should send a thank you note after a job interview.
Knowing what is an appropriate hostess gift and that you should probably bring a small one when invited to a friend’s house for the Thanksgiving weekend. Knowing what kind of wine goes with turkey.
Knowing what to wear to places and events you not only have never attended but barely knew existed, eg. skeet shooting at a country club.
Generally having at the ready polite and diplomatic ways to communicate thoughts and feelings, especially negative ones.
Knowing whether the jar of organic ______________ (fill in the blank with some expensive product) your roommate gifted you with is supposed to be a food or a medicine or ?.
Waiting until everyone at your table is served before starting a meal.
Allowing the elderly and women to exit an elevator first.
Chewing gum should probably not be done in professional settings.
Solutions:
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Offer to share your salad with the person who is waiting for dinner. That gets things moving more quickly.
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People nearest the elevator door go out first.
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If you are a gum chewer, it’s a plus to be in charge so as to set the stage for things like this.
Flip flops are not appropriate interview footwear unless you are being considered for a lifeguard or other pool/beach job.
^ I see more privileged kids in flip-flops than I do poor ones, to be honest.