<p>Hello,
Before you clicked this thread, you were probably perusing your colleges forums and comparing your stats with other students, reading other threads about individuals with humorous errors on their applications, or getting in an argument with another poster over little grammar errors. Believe me, I know, I was (and still am) one of you. I'm a fairly normal 17 year old from a small school in California. But a couple years ago I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Obssessive Compulsive Disorder, and Depression: all which were as a result of the college admissions process. The reason I am writing this isn't simply to tell my story, but to share with every individual here some insight that might help you as you enter or leave this crazy jungle that is college admissions. I'm officially done with this process. Accepted here and there, waitlisted here and there, and most definitely rejected to numerous schools. But even as I got my rejection from my top school moments ago, I was upset for about 5 minutes and soon after, experienced a feeling that I hadn't felt in the four years of high school: happiness. Happiness as a result of finally feeling some relaxation and knowing that no matter what, no matter what college I attend, no matter what friends I make, I know I would be happy.
As early as I can remember, college has been a permanent stress in my mind, always pushing me to work a little bit harder, stay up a little later to study, skip hanging out with friends to work on a project, and other tedious things in order to get a simple point higher for a grade and to eventually get into college. There's one thing you should know before I go any further. I am not, by any means, a naturally smart individual. I know, I know, am I being harsh on myself? No, I'm just being honest. I always work significantly harder than another individual just to get the same grade. I always exert myself way more than I should just to match up to my classmates. Maybe this isn't what defines intelligence. But in the context of my small high school in which over half my class can score above a 2300 and not have studied a single day, intelligence was defined FOR me by my classmates and teachers. My freshman year started out rocky. I, unfortunately, am a sensitive person and was not accustomed to have individuals talk about me 'behind my back' or deceive me. Individuals made fun of every possible aspect about me, not because I did a single thing to deserve it, but because I refused to stop them. As a result of this, I set my mind 100% percent on college. I wanted to leave my small town and discover an entirely different life where I could choose who I wanted to be. So day in an day out, I worked and worked and worked.
Then depression hit. I've had a family history of it, so it was not necessarily a surprise, but my entire life was devoted to college. I spent every moment of my life thinking about it and more importantly, how much MORE I should be thinking about it. I went to therapy, but found it ultimately unsuccessful, having to practice breathing exercises and talking about my feelings. Believe me, for an angsty pubescent teenager, talking about my feelings is difficult.
Then a couple years later, I entered hell. And by hell, I mean Junior year. My depression began to convert to full-blown anxiety. I spent so much of my time being anxious and scared to the point where I had several anxiety attacks that landed me in the hospital with an IV tube in my arm and bandages for wounds that I didn't remember I had made. I guess the best way I can write about my junior year experience comes from a journal entry I wrote during that year in a writing class. Maybe this will help.
"As confident and content as I once was, is how confused and indecisive as I now am, but content with everything around me for the time being. It's a temporary stage, hopefully, but one that I cannot imagine leaving anytime soon. I guess high school ultimately brought out feelings that I've never even felt before or lightly experienced, which explains why I'm at the pinnacle of these four years, being Junior year. I guess the thing that has made me change so incredibly much is the feeling of instablity that is so permanent in my life. I never know what I'm going to do next, and it scares me, humorously and seriously. I can never seem to amass the confidence or self-assurance that is so neccessary for life and its occurences that I ever had. But I manage to stay true to myself and find the best in each and every situation. I've always envied others for almost every single aspect imaginable. I'm so incredibly insecure to the point where I can't nearly act as normally as I could be on a daily basis. But I hide it. That is where I am at fault most. I hide everything. I hide my problems, fears, and insecurities which brings about my daily anxiety. After having to go to therapy, I couldn't possibly recoup my entire personality. I lied to my therapist everyday with the single question, "How are you today", and the single reply, "Good." I have so much to decide in so little time, and I guess the relatively simply decision of choosing a college brought about these feelings once more. My anxiety is something I cannot for the life of me, control. After a complete breakdown in front of 20 of my classmates that I couldn't stop, for lack of a better word, I hide. I cannot face anything head on anymore, and in some ways have lost a part of who I truly am. But I love the people around me and the opportunities I have. Because of the environment that I am in, insufficency and self-worthlessness can aptly describe who I am. My insecurities are, sadly, who I am. I wish for so much, but never truly learn to appreciate what I am now, because I've never received that sort of attention. I could only hope that I pick myself up from this state, and figure out, or at least get a grasp of who I really truly am. To any of you reading, I love, I hate, and I hurt. But most importantly, I am on a constant and persistant journey to grow and hopefully achieve the hopes and aspirations that I have. If you were to ask me, what I would hope for in my life in ten years, I would simply hope that I have learned to fully appreciate who I am, through whatever method that makes me happiest."
And then Senior year began. And to put it as concise as possible, I was rejected from not only my top choice school, but several of them as well moments ago. I don't expect any of you to read this in its entirety. I'm actually surprised that I have written this much. But what I wanted to say to all disapointed seniors and anxious juniors is to enjoy the time left you have in high school. If I had been told that four years ago, it would have changed my life. But instead, I came to this realization 3 and a half years too late. Even if this helps any of you a little, I'll be glad that I was able to even help slightly. What I want you to do now may seem crazy but try it. Avoid collegeconfidential. Avoid concerning yourself over minute details on a project. Avoid stressing out about extracurricular activities. I read college confidential everyday for the past couple years, and believe me, the time that I spent on here is incredible. I want you all to enjoy what you have and not be concerned about whats around the corner. Even though I'm at school everyday, I always spent my time thinking about the future and never had the time to value where I was at that very moment. After all, what's a high school experience worth if you're never really there?</p>
<p>Thanks Josh. I appreciate your perspective, but I think its important to find balance. I agree that its terrible to spend your entire high school life worrying about college, but a lot of students don't worry enough. I actually have interviewed a valedictorian that almost didn't get into college because she didn't pay enough attention to the admissions process. So, to me, its all about finding balance. And for what its worth, I hire a lot of students out of college and I purposefully try not to hire Ivy League students because they don't always understand balance. In the business world, street smarts are sometimes more important than book smarts. So, don't be devastated if you didn't get in to your top schools. You might end up better off.</p>
<p>thanks ekudner! i totally agree, i think balance is incredibly important. thanks for the kind words.</p>
<p>Thank you for the post man. That was deep.
I learned a lot thanks Josh</p>
<p>WOW! This is an excellent post and I praise your honesty and sincerity in your writing. You remind me of myself my first two years of high school. Reading this post definitely just brightened my day! :)</p>