Contra to the other post of which types of kids could benefit, what are some signs that your child would NOT thrive at benefit from going off to boarding school?
As you can probably tell we are trying to decide whether we should consider for our child.
I’m not a boarding school parent, at least not yet - we’ll be applying next year. But I did go to BS back in the dark ages, and really loved it. I did, however, have friends who were miserable. I really think that the most important thing is that the kid has to want to go to boarding school. From there, I think you can find a school that fits your child. I went to a school that really prized independence; it fit me beautifully, so it worked. But there are plenty of schools that are more nurturing that would fit other kids better.
At this point my son isn’t sure if he’ll want to go to BS. But he’s willing to go through the process and see what’s out there, which is all I ask. As I keep telling him, the goal is for him to have options when it’s time to decide next spring.
A kid who is always looking for ways to get around the rules, and feels that rules shouldn’t really apply to them… those kids are not a good fit. There are lots of rules at BS, and it’s not uncommon for kids to be asked to leave, or “not invited to return” the following year. A rebellious or troubled kid can cause a lot of havoc in a school community.
I will add that kids who are struggling with severe depression, anxiety, or other mental health issues will usually not find the level of support that they need in a BS environment. I have known families who have sent their struggling kids (who were not in treatment) to BS hoping that they would magically recover there. That is not realistic.
Ideally the kid should have some time management skills. Although there is support, it generally isn’t one on one the way it might be at home.
A kid who relies very, very heavily on their parents. Independence is a skill that will become stronger while at boarding school, but students who attend should be able to dress themselves, manage hygiene, and feed themselves. This may sound like a given but you would be shocked at the sheer amount of kids who come to boarding school and sleep through every first period class because nobody is there to wake them up or will go days without showering because nobody reminded them. Self discipline is another helpful trait. Your child will have to monitor their own time management and complete their homework and other obligations without somebody constantly reminding them. Make sure that your kid is ready to handle this. Best of luck!
Of the kids I’ve known who flamed out at boarding schools almost all fit into the patterns posted upthread. One couldn’t get himself to class in the morning, no matter how many consequences the school gave him, no matter how many alarms they set, no matter who they sent to wake him. Another lost 20 pounds within the first few months because he just wasn’t getting to meals. At the end of the year he was so skinny his parents pulled him out of concern for his health. Another was addicted to video games and despite the fact that the school cut off the internet at bedtime found a way to keep playing offline in the middle of the night. A couple of others didn’t ever buy into the idea of boarding school and they either became discipline issues or their grades tanked. One bought in and did perfectly well but missed her friends at home and asked to go back to public school after a year.
These were all smart kids at good caring schools.
This is an excellent question to ask BTW, @FreeRangeParent.
All the characteristics noted above are good markers. I think without a balanced combination of ALL of the following, boarding school may not be the best choice:
** Engagement: a natural inclination to want to participate, raise a hand etc
** Resilience: not afraid to climb back on the horse over and over again
** Effort: to work as hard as possible on a daily basis, not with the goal of beating others but to improve yourself
** Independence: ability to think for oneself and be happy/comfortable doing so
** Honor: the age-old “do the right thing when no one is looking”
** Kindness (this is my personal opinion and not a requirement): but none of any of the above mean jack, unless kindness lies at the heart of everything. It’s the difference between winning and how you win.
Just add…I think kids with severe anxiety coupled with OCD and distrust of others would have a very tough time making it through the first year. Also, anyone who has never been away from home ( like a sleep over) due to overprotective parents. If the parents are very anxious and hovering, this may also impact the student’s ability to leave for BS and adjust to establishing a life at school.
Just to add…There is a certain level of resiliency that is demanded at boarding school. Be realistic about how resilient your student is and how flexible he/she/they may be.
What kind of kids should NOT go to BS? At the risk of sounding rude and brutally honest, I will tell you that we personally know students who have endured a horrid year because of a roommate who should not be at BS because of that child having so many issues. BS is not an escape hatch from issues or problems. Chances are, if you send your student away because he/she/they have problems at home, those problems will be amplified at BS. Do not “dump” your kid at BS. Please do yourself and the rest of us a favor and do NOT send your kid to BS if your reasons for doing so include the following:
? Thank you
@Golfgr8 This is giving me a headache, I hope those are not situations your kids encountered at a boarding school. I do have to say that the divorce/custody battles/stepfamilies seem to be a common reason kids want to go to boarding school at least from what I have seen in my kids’ NYC privates. And by and large the kids are much happier at boarding school and do well there, so I would disagree that sending them is doing them a disservice. Getting some distance from the drama seems to be a good thing. Assuming they want to go, which to me is the main reason to send or not to send. If your kid does not want to go, it is sure sign they should stay at home.
Thanks for your post@417WHB…a few years ago, I spoke with a woman who was an AO at one of the well known most popular boarding schools often mentioned on CC. She told me that the divorce situation was something they were on the look out for especially for their younger students entering 9th. She had previously worked at a JBS, where she found this situation to be more common and more concerning (“red flag”) to them @ motivation/reasons for parents sending child to boarding school. We have also seen 2 scenarios play out with custody and/or parents disagreeing about sending the child to JBS/BS. Kids caught in the middle - BS not the best stage to play out this drama.
FWIW, a friend of mine has worked for more than two decades in the health center of one of the “alphabet schools” (let’s think of one of the first 5 letters). The scenarios described above are (unfortunately) not uncommon in the teenage population, but more amplified in the arena of boarding school. The stress builds and it’s more difficult to hide these types of issues because you literally live at school - not going home at night. Not judging, just acknowledging that life is complicated for families and the changing family dynamic may not always find its “best fit” in a traditional boarding school environment.
The Hyde School has a strong history of bringing character-based education to a high level at BS. So, if someone is reading this thread and maybe a traditional BS is not the best fit then you may want to check it out. The school has a Family Program - parents get involved in their child’s education via required components, weekends and/ or meetings. There are commmunity service opportunities for parents/families as well. Parents who complete the required components can graduate with a Hyde Parent Diploma ?. Not sure why Hyde School isn’t mentioned very often on CC. BTW, recommend reading “The Biggest Job We’ll Ever Have” by Laura & Malcolm Gould. A few years ago, our previous school had Laura Gould as a speaker. “School is for kids;Hyde is for families”. If you go to the school website, there are links to podcasts and a video series on parenting from a Hyde perspective.
I agree with much above. Bad family situation doesn’t resolve with BS. Also kids with anxiety, inability to be independent, eating disorders or just those would likely skip class aren’t a good fit. This can impact a roommate situation, dorm etc.
Make sure it’s a fit. The smartest kid in the world won’t be happy in a high stress environment with no fun. And a kid who struggles might do great at a school where they need to stretch. Know your kid and ask the right questions. Go with your instincts not where his/her friends are going.
Also, make sure you think your kid is likely in the top half of applicants. No kid wants to be behind academically. These schools are tough. Make sure your kid can handle it and wants to go
someone who isn’t up to take a challenge or face some mediocre grades. Boarding schools can be very competitive as the students here were chosen to be academically bright and sometimes your grades are not that hot. I chose to take classes that I found interesting even though they are more on the challenging end. As a result, my grades are not the best but I do feel like I’m learning a lot in my courses and I couldn’t be happier.
We’ve talked about the kids. But what about the parents?
If you don’t trust the faculty and administration to look after your child’s best interest, you may have chosen the wrong school or you may not be cut out to be a boarding school parent.
If you are a helicopter parent who will feel compelled to reach out to teachers and administration over every little thing (instead of letting your kid learn to advocate for themselves) please restrain yourself or choose a different option for your child. If you are highly competitive and see your child as an extension of yourself, get professional help rather than push your child to take classes that they can only pass with extensive outside tutoring (and by giving up any sanity-saving free time to decompress and have fun with peers).
Don’t be that parent. Do you want the faculty and administration rolling their eyes when they see you coming or when they recognize your number when their phone rings?
@CaliMex That is very interesting, but if the revisit days we had are any indication, there were a lot of type A and tiger parents, with very strong opinions/plans for their children and classes they should take. And of course how gifted and ahead their kids are and that’s why they chose the boarding school as they expect it will be accommodated? I find it very hard to believe that there are that many kids ready for BC calculus as freshmen. We probably did not apply to the ‘chill’ boarding schools (if there is such a thing) but I expect there is zero chance these parents will be hands off should anything not go according to the plan. I actually found myself wishing intensely that some of their kids choose a different school from the one my child chose. They were more intense than NYC private school parents.
@417WHB, several years ago, I read the book “How to swim with the sharks without getting eaten”. Someone on CC should write a book like that for prep school kids?..It has been my observation that “it goes with the territory”. If you apply to a highly competitive school, highly competitive students (and parents) apply. Getting in is just the first competition…it’s a series of competitions at some schools (are you in Honors or Accelerated classes? Are you in Pre-Calc as a 9th grader? Did you make 3 Varsity teams? Did you get Proctor? Did you make Honor Roll? Did you make team mascot? Did you get highest GPA or ranking?) until the very end (including where you get accepted to college). It seems much more competitive these days than when we were at school. Now, it’s even competitive to get on the Varsity golf team! Back in the 1970’s, it was much easier.
Golfdaddy and I noticed a certain amount of posturing at Revisit and also on the day of drop-off. There is always some kid or some parent asking @ BC Calc during an orientation session. We actually timed it (17 minutes for such a question to be asked during one Revisit Q & A). We also see $ posturing. Then there are $$ parents who can afford to buy houses on the edge of campus so they can “helicopter” at BS. Some kids thrive on competition, some do not. Most important, IMHO, is if your kid is reslient and independent…Can they bounce back and rise up from the inevitable disappointments- on their own??
@Golfgr8 and @417WHB - I think it depends on the school.
Thacher has one of the lowest acceptance rates in the boarding school world and very rigorous academics. I would describe Thacher kids as tremendously driven. But it is a highly collaborative and supportive culture. Furthermore, kids are expected to advocate for themselves without their parents’ help.
Perhaps other schools attract families that are more status conscious and competitive?
I can’t imagine a Thacher family pushing a kid to take a too-advanced Math class that they can only pass with outside tutors (which is frowned upon at Thacher, anyway…)
@417WHB Actually, you are correct. Many of the top schools have top kids and some have been manicured and curated like an orchid since birth. They are used to doing interesting EC’s, taking advanced/honors classes and excelling where they have been. They have bloomed in very fancy greenhouses so the preening and show that you see on revisit day is normal to many of these parents. The parents ARE tiger parents. I would bet any amount of money there are tiger parents at EACH and EVERY boarding school in the US. The ones that are more “chill” also have parents like this, they just may realize that it is not as acceptable to show this. Many say they don’t like competition while doing all sorts of things so their kid can get ahead. ( I lived in a town like that so I understand that chill on the surface doesn’t mean they aren’t competing). Let’s face it, we all want our kids to do well. Few BS parents take the back seat approach. Then again, some schools aren’t a fit.
Regarding BC calc, many kids from China take this Freshman year ( and by that I mean more than half of Chinese students). Yes, there are also always a bunch of US kids who take very advanced math classes. Many have come from school systems which are larger and have a track in middle school so kids have taken the pre-requisite courses before high school.Some private schools also allow kids to skip a grade in math. This doesn’t mean a thing. There are kids who will start at All I and become engineers. And kids who will start at Calc and stop there. Kids will develop into the people they want to be. And while type A parents can force them into a mold, the kids will generally go in the direction they were meant to.
The schools all have mottos and a certain feel. Just find the school where your kid can find others like them and you will be fine.
We were not a boarding school family. It was never on the radar and in the end he ended up in a “top” school. Our key was making sure he wanted to go. We planted the idea in 6th grade (due to his unexpected top potential with academic grades and assessments), walked a local BS campus in 7th grade, and started SSAT prep in 8th grade. Along the way it was, “You probably won’t get into” X" boarding school, and we might not be able to afford it, and IF you do, you do not have to go." Then it was time to apply with an eventual acceptance (and a waitlist) with huge aid. Even with all of that it was still, “You do not have to go. Now that you are in, we recommend going for a year so you don’t regret it in the future. But if you are stressed and feel sick about the decision, you truly do not need to go at all.”
So it has to be a want of the child (along with the academic and maturity comments above) and not for tradition or the parent hard push.
In 6th grade he was not too into the idea, over time that grew so when it was time for tours and interviews, he was all in. LOVED it day one and ever since. Best decision for him but would have been a disaster to start the process in grade eight. At least for a non-boarding school family.
My daughter had to leave boarding school in 9th grade after a week, for one of the above issues (mental health). After she had a few years of treatment, and attended the LPS, she ended up being a repeat 10th grader at a different boarding school this spring semester. It went better this time, and she finished the term, but there was not enough support for her emotional issues and she isn’t returning.