We’re trying to help our D19 with her essay. She started writing it over the summer and finally has a version she likes. It’s been shared with two family friends who have both previously worked in admissions. One loves the essay, while the other one says it needs a major overhaul. I appreciate both of their opinions, but I’m now wondering if too many changes will take away from D’s own voice.
Is it better to have a slightly flawed essay that the student is happy with, or a perfect one that’s been coached? “Slightly flawed” meaning that it’s been corrected for all spelling and grammar errors, but not tweaked to death by others. Is the point of the essay to get to know the student or am I missing something?
In my opinion, the essay should not have any grammar or spelling errors at all. It’s fine to have someone proofread for that.
The essay needs to adhere to the topic presented by the school. But if someone else doesn’t think that is the case, it’s up to the student…not that other person…to re-write or edit.
Both of my kids had (in my opinion) great essays. The key was…the essays were their voice speaking, not some grown up who perfected their voice. In both cases, our kids’ main essays told a personal story that was very relevant to their admissions packet.
So…what do I think the purpose is for the essay? It’s a chance for the admissions folks to hear your kid “speak”.
I should add…both of my kids received adcom comments on their letters of acceptance referencing their essays, and the content in them. So…I think my kids got it right.
That’s an interesting problem. Can you tell us which schools they worked at? Or at least what type of school? Is one more selective than the other? I’ve heard a lot of admissions officers talk about what they look for in an essay, but it’s still hard to distill that into something very helpful. I agree with thumper that it’s fine to have someone look it over for grammar and spelling errors. I think everyone AO, I’ve heard encourages that. They also say over and over again that it should sound like you. The example they often give is that if you dropped it on the cafeteria floor a friend would recognize it as you. Generally the essay should bolster the message of the rest of the application. There’s no one right message - you might be a dreamer or a doer. You might see physics problems when you’re at the amusement park. You might have a strange hobby that you had to make an extra effort to teach yourself and it took you places you hadn’t imagined when you started it. You might have a sense of humor that you want to come through.
My kids, like thumper’s sounded like kids. They have big vocabularies, but they used the vocabulary of everyday life not English essays. They both started with a fun lead and both ended with a self-deprecating joke.
It definitely should not be “tweaked to death”, but it’s still possible that the second reader feels it could be tighter, better organized or something else. Since it’s early. Your daughter might just put it down for a week or so and then come back to it. Read it out loud. Does it still flow? Does it still sound good to her? If it does, it’s probably fine.
Most essays confirm what the rest of the application, including teacher recommendations and stats say about the kid. It’s a rare essay that is so bad or so good that it will make any real difference.
As an added comment…DD wrote a terrific essay. The first month of senior year, the kids worked on their essays during English class. The English teacher hated our kid’s essay…a lot. Teacher suggested taking a “small moment” (big writing buzz word in 2005) and elaborate on that. We told the kid to do what the teacher suggested. Then we sent both essays to a former CC member who was a friend, and college consultant.
The friend reviewed both essays…and clearly stated that she understood what the teacher wanted…but that that small moment was not a complete story. The original was…and wasoreferred by this friend/college consultant.
Kid turned in the small moment to the English teacher, but submitted the whole story to colleges.
She got comments on her admissions letters from three schools…and one was a huge flagship. Clearly folks read her essay…and remembered it.
The student voice is important. The essay really should not be written in another person’s voice.
Essay purpose is
-Reveal something about yourself that is not shown through other parts of your application.
Make the person reading it feel like they have gotten to know you
-Demonstrate your writing skills
Show some outward perspective
@indiethoughts - it is frustrating to get such different opinions from 2 people who sound like they know what they are talking about. Did these 2 work at different types of schools? Was the major overhaul comment directed at the story or the writing or both?
@wisteria100, @maya54 - The person who thought it needed major work was primarily referring to the content, not the mechanics.
@thumper1, @mathmom - I’m in agreement that it’s best if it sounds like the student.
The funny thing is that they were both affiliated with the same university, but at different times! I’ve spoken with D, who is fine making some of the minor recommended changes. I do think it’s beyond ironic that two people who worked for the same school had such different reactions. What I’ll take away from this is that the essay readers are humans and D’s essay, or application, can’t impress them all. She’ll do her best and then we’ll wait and see.
My eldest, the writer, struggled with her essay. It was a nightmare for her and eventually, she just had to send it out. Not poorly written but she was nowhere in the work. She just didn’t have stories that worked with the prompts and her struggles, which were real, came off as “first world problems.” She still got into great schools and was nationally published a few times before she graduated. There was too much anxiety for her and I wish we had all just lied and said they were great earlier.
My middle, not a writer at all, wrote a fantastic essay about a personal experience that people connect with. Got into great colleges too… attending the same school as big sister did.
So, my point, know when to say when. If SHE feels good about it then maybe it’s done and you shouldn’t worry about what an ex-counselor says. If she doesn’t like it, go for the over-haul.
I think essays just add a period to the student’s resume. Ive read so many “great essays” and they read just like that someone purposely trying to write the catchiest, most intelligent, 650 word mini-logue known to man. The ones I love arent as fancy, but FEEL REAL.
This example from a very talented JHU applicant isnt my cup of tea, but others may woe at its word wizadry.
“For instance, phrases like “I love you,” whose incredible emotion is quantized to a mere set of eight letters, never cease to amaze me. Whether it’s the definitive pang of a simple “I am” or an existential crisis posed by “Am I”, I recognized at a young age how letters and their order impact language.”
@turtletime. Great point about how SHE feels about her own work.
@emptynesteryet. That example isn’t my cup of tea, either. It’s obvious that JHU student is an awesome writer, but if I were reading essays I’d want to know about the student and not just his/her writing skills. I hate that the kids feel like they can’t just write from their hearts.
@emptynesteryet I don’t like the first sentence, but think the 2nd is very good and I can see it leading to an essay about the applicants love of words/language etc. It’s definitely a ‘show’ vs ‘tell’ sentence and says something simple in a unique way
LOL at the Johns Hopkins essay - I feel like that’s a kid who’s going to have great ideas for crossword puzzles! There really are people who notice and think about stuff like that, and others who are totally oblivious. It’s like I can’t look at a license plate and not make it into a math problem. I can imagine writing an essay about it.
My favorite essay of all time dates from before the Common App days when Brown insisted that essays be written by hand and not typewritten. An enterprising CS kid designed a font that was a better version of his illegible handwriting. He also attached the real handwritten version in case they really wanted to try to read his chicken scratches.
@wisteria100, @maya54 - The person who thought it needed major work was primarily referring to the content, not the mechanics.
But what exactly did they think was “ wrong”. It didn’t show enough of kids personality/ interests? Made kid seem lazy or boring? Didn’t show what kid might bring to the university in terms of abilities?
To me, the essays should indirectly give a glimpse into the kind of person you are, what you value in terms of relationships to other people and demonstrate your awareness and sensitivities in relation to the people around you. The adcom should feel for you and root for you after reading your essays. I don’t like essays that talk about how fascinated you were with numbers or concepts at an early age without bringing human relationships into the picture for one reason: If I were an adcom, I would be looking for an applicant who can share her qualities with those around her, not just excel in the classroom. But that’s just me.
I thought my kid’s essays written for a very high ranked college captured who he was, so thought it was pretty good, until I read some essays written by better writers but whose essays did not carry that genuineness. Compared to those essays, I thought my kid’s essays were very good. This was the only college we thought the essays would be a deciding factor, so he really put a piece of himself on the paper. For other colleges such as UCs and Honors Colleges, we thought as long as his essays were decent, he would get in.
As an example, I read one essay from the past college applicants in which the female writer started out with a sentence “I come from the land of Short People.” She then humorously and with sensitivity, went on to talk about how her short height has affected her relationships with others and made her into the person she was. It was absolutely brilliant. I wanted to hug this Hobbit writer. I knew after I read her essay, she must have gotten into every single college she applied to, and sure enough, at the back of the book indicated she got into all colleges including some top colleges. I gave that essay 9.5 out of 10.
Upon further recollection, I believe the essay started with a sentence “I come from the land of Down Under”, which made me think she came from Australia, but instead she meant she belongs to Short People.
@websensation You make some excellent points.
It’s important to provide a picture of yourself and the world around you.
I read an essay about an applicants favorite activity that was very well written with good detail. If I were an English teacher, it would be an A grade paper. But as a college applicant, I felt other than the kid loving this pastime and having a nice family, I didn’t get to know him, and the essay lacked an outward view. There is a difference between a well written essay and a well written and impactful college essay
Agreed. For college application essays, a moving or impactful essay wins over well written essay every time. Either the essay hits you or it doesn’t. And talking about how playing guitar is like mathematical equations just doesn’t move or impact me.
Re the above. Math and music are related- but the writer needs to show why from a personal standpoint. I can see great and poor essays based on this, it all depends on how the student expands their personal knowledge of both.
We never saw son’s essays. Too much outside input destroys the intent of the essay- to provide a glimpse into the person. Grammar proofreading is great but trying to change style and content is bad. Telling someone you just don’t get what they are saying makes sense. The voice is that of a HS senior, not anyone with more life experience.
Right, it’s an essay for your college admission, not a self reflection assignment for the English teacher. Not something graded for answering prompts exactly. (And we don’t know what level of colleges, how much it does matter.)
In that respect, little point in having it sound just like “you,” if it’s not relevant to what the adcoms want to learn, the traits or qualities they want in the class. You can write about your dog and everyone in school may know that’s got to be you, and it won’t move your application forward.
@wisteria100 Not just the outward perspective, but “self awareness,” as well.
Agree, the point is to get to know you better. But you want adcoms to have that Yes moment: yes, this is the sort of kid/attributes/thinking/energy, etc, we want. So ask yourself, “What comes through about her in this essay that adcoms will like?” That’s more than well written or self satisfying.
Kids spend a lot of time in hs learning thesis statements, how to write in certain formats. The friend who suggested the overhaul may mean there’s too much writing and not enough message about the student. You can introduce the context in just a few lines, then swing into the rest.
When we were at Kenyon, the director of admissions told the group to use the essay to tell them what they NEED to know about you. She said to look over your app. Find what’s missing. An app can show that you’re a curious student (with good grades in hard classes), it can show that you love your sport (lots of hours shown in the activities section). but it doesn’t show who you are as a person. You need to say what’s important to you and show personality. S19 also thought about what he’s pretty sure his teachers will say in his recs and avoided that since they will cover it.
And the thing she said that stuck out the most was to be vulnerable. Not easy for some kids but, at least at the smallish schools, they really want to know you.