<p>There have been lots of threads about how much parents should contribute to their kids' college education (if anything), and the opinions always vary widely. I'd like to come at if from a slightly different angle, and suggest that all college-bound students should be able to expect the following from their parents:
1. The parents should be honest with themselves about their financial situation.
2. The parents should be willing to educate themselves on the current realities of the cost of college educations (and not what it was like 30 years ago). This includes understanding what colleges expect parents to do, what it takes today to "work your way through college," etc.
3. The parents should develop their approach to funding (or not funding) college education based on good facts and thoughtful consideration.
4. The parents should have a serious discussion with the student about finances early enough to shape the college search. The parents should be honest in this discussion. The parents should be willing to listen to the student's concerns and take them into account in making financial decisions.
5. The parents should be willing to get advice from others if needed, such as guidance counselors or financial advisers.</p>
<p>This might lead to parents paying, or not paying. But at least everyone will be on the same page.</p>
<p>I would add that the parents should talk to each other about finances and college. </p>
<p>Do you remember when you were first married, and you kept discovering that you and your new spouse had different expectations about various things, based on your experiences growing up in different families? </p>
<p>Financing college is another one of those areas where you and your partner may have different expectations.</p>
<p>This is a really sensible and humane list that accounts for the feelings of parents and students. It really is all about being on the same page; in my experience students don’t usually care if their parents are rich, but they do care about whether or not their parents are honest with them.</p>
<p>Great list, Hunt. And can I just add that this process should start at the birth of your children, not when they’re 16 and starting to look at colleges? We’ve made it clear from the beginning, both with words and actions, that education is so important to us that we will spend whatever is necessary for our kids to get their degrees.</p>
<p>To a young child, this translates as “My parents really care about learning.” To an older child, this comes across as “I’d better work hard in school.” To a high schooler, this says, “My parents are making sacrifices for my education and so should I.”</p>
<p>This more than about money; it’s about values.</p>
<p>Good points, but I think students should expect the worst (and hope for the best). Parents should be honest and informed, but students should not assume that this is the case.</p>
<p>I think following this kind of thoughtful procedure could avoid several different problems that we’ve seen brought up on CC before:
The parent who tells the kid to apply to the best colleges he can and “we’ll figure out some way to pay for it.”
The parent who thinks a middle-income kid will be able to work his way through Harvard (or even worse, selective schools that don’t have nearly as good financial aid as Harvard).
The parent who allows a kid to apply to eight schools, and then, after acceptances, tells him for the first time he can’t attend his top choices because one of the others is cheaper.
The student who thinks that because the family lives in a nice house that there is plenty of money available for college.
One parent had his/her college paid for by his/her own parents, while the other paid for his/her own (somehow), and they’ve never talked about what they intend to do for their own kids.
The parents who have some arbitrary rule of contribution that hasn’t really been thought through. (It may make sense to say that you’ll only pay the cost of your in-state flagship–but why? You should have a good answer to this question beyond, "That’s all I’m willing to pay.)
The parents who haven’t thought through the impact on younger kids, or on their own retirement.
Families who think there’s a full ride out there for just about everybody.</p>
I think students should (diplomatically) ask their parents to go through this process, just as they would for any other major family decision, like buying a house. Asking them to think about it early (i.e., during the junior year in high school, if not sooner) might make it possible to do this without as much emotional drama. And if the parents refuse to discuss it–well, that’s an important data point.</p>
<ol>
<li>Parents who think that the grandparents will pay for the kids’ college expenses.</li>
</ol>
<p>This came up in my family. </p>
<p>My husband came from a family where grandparents made substantial contributions to their grandkids’ college bills. I came from a family where this was not expected. By the time our kids were nearing college age, only one grandparent was still living: my father. My husband was shocked that my father had no intention of helping with the college bills.</p>
<p>One other tip for students who are concerned that these discussions will be difficult: before you talk to your parents, read “Getting to Yes” by Roger Fisher. It’s about how to negotiate, and it concentrates on how to work toward solutions that benefit both parties. It’s worthwhile reading for parents as well.</p>
<p>Wishing is NOT planning; student and parents need to figure out where funding will be coming from for FOUR years of college, not just the first year and not just expect that “somehow things will work out.”</p>
<p>Educational loans must be repaid and are NOT discharged in bankruptcy, or even if student dies (when loan is co-signed). Get life insurance for all co-signers. Crushing debt will limit options of all it touches, especially with the current uncertain job market.</p>
<p>Grandparents and others have no obligation to contribute to college expenses. If they make vague promises “to help,” try to get it pinned down as specifically or do NOT rely upon it at all.</p>
<p>“And can I just add that this process should start at the birth of your children, not when they’re 16 and starting to look at colleges?”</p>
<p>Great original post, Hunt, and as a parent, I second the statement above . . .</p>
<p>Parents need to discuss their viewpoints and reconcile any differences well before their child is a junior in high school. And it makes it much easier if the financial planning begins at birth or shortly thereafter.</p>
<p>Funny, how in many of our families, we did NOT concern ourselves with financial planning until we were in college but we want to have our kids think about it from birth or shortly afterwards. To me, too much emphasis on finances can warp a viewpoint as well (but not enough has many of the dire consequences we read about all the time on CC). I think a happy medium works well–attention to cost, value, opportunity costs and trade-offs between deferring gratification vs. getting things now no matter the cost.</p>
<p>Um, not suggesting that the kids think about financial planning from birth, but the PARENTS should consider college costs when they have a baby. It need not be discussed with the kids until high school, but parents should be aware of the very large sum of money needed for college and start thinking about how that sum is going to be amassed when they have 18 years to pull it together. It is a mistake to wait until the cost is upon you to then realize you cannot help your child with a college education. A parent may not opt to provide the education (or the education at the desired level/price point) for some reason, but at least give yourself the choice by being prepared.</p>
<p>Even if you think you will only send your child to a reasonably priced public school, in state . . .that could cost $92,000. Which if you save from the time a child is a baby, would be roughly $5000 per year. A reasonable amount to save when considered annually, but still not a cakewalk. Every year you put off saving, it just gets harder and harder. I guess if you know for a fact that you’ll get plenty of need based aid, it’s another story, but I’m not sure you can even count on that. Not thinking about the financial issues doesn’t make them go away nor does it make them easier to contend with when they arise.</p>
<p>That’s what we did, amarylandmom. When I was pregnant with my daughter, we met with our financial planner, who advised us to start saving today for her education, and that of any other children we would have. And although we didn’t discuss college finances with our kids until recently, we made it very clear that we were saving, and that we valued their education.</p>
<p>Even parents who aren’t comfortable discussing money with their kids should at least make it clear where they stand on paying for college. I’m horrified by some of the stories I read here from kids whose parents said nothing, then told them they were on their own only after they’d applied and been accepted to college.</p>
<p>Current parents went to college when it was a much more realistic possibility to “work one’s way through college” (i.e. find a job that one could support oneself in terms of room and board, and pay the nominal tuition at the state university) than it is now.</p>
<p>I volunteer at a drop-in center helping kids with applications and figuring out where to apply.</p>
<p>One of my first questions is “how much do you think your parents will be contributing each year for college?” </p>
<p>I have never had a student tell me even a ballpark number, except the ones who know it is zero. I get started with the process, but I always ask students to go home and start this challenging conversation with their parents NOW. I also tell them most parents are more comfortable talking about sex than money, so to approach carefully.</p>