<p>The specific college of your choice sites have some really great info because many students that are already attending answer questions. Many experienced parents also stick around to help out which is really great…so have fun!!</p>
<p>After learning of early writes on one of the schools my D applied to and then not receiving the same letter, I’ve been trying not to learn about the dates for the schools. I want to be surprised to find out when they arrive, I don’t want to know that School X sends their decisions in a thick envelope and then panic when a thin one arrives, and I don’t want to be waiting fruitlessly for decisions that others have gotten and then start ruminating about why we didn’t get the same mailing!</p>
<p>I am under strict orders not to open anything first myself. That’s fine, although it is difficult. I am trying to let my kids get the mail themselves, but finding even that hard to stick to. So, I go to the mailbox, look at what’s there and then leave it for them to retrieve. </p>
<p>I’m even finding ways around the admonition not to open the envelopes first, by holding them up to the light and seeing if I can tell if it’s a decision or just a mailing about whether they have all the stuff in the file etc.</p>
<p>What a weird time! It’s not even that I care so much about where they’ll end up at this point! It’s more like wanting to find out how a book ends!</p>
<p>What is it about the internet that makes it so hard to resist?? It’s worse than potato chips!</p>
<p>
This really rubbed me the wrong way and I’m breathing deeply as I post another POV.</p>
<p>I have very strict orders from my D to have the mail opened and info texted to her ASAP or sooner. This will often save her five to six hours of waiting – based on her schedule that day – and there is nothing my D hates more than waiting. I also have strict orders to open, analyze and provide a concise report of all money matters because she is entirely (insert eyeroll here) too busy to be bothered and that’s why someone as important as she has an assistant (that would be me). This works for us and is driven by my D’s wishes and, yes, we are sharing.</p>
<p>LOL. Zooser…sounds like my S. He doesn’t even give any orders. He walks into the house and says, “Mom, what was the mail?” I grew up in a household where my parents had a strict rule about anyone opening up anyone else’s mail, a rule we have always had here. My son, however, as early as junior year let it be known that he doesn’t care about the rule. “Just let me know what’s up…”</p>
<p>I’ve been joking around on another thread on how I’m going to tease S about his decisions letters/emails as he’s chosen to go away on a campring trip then (April 1), on his spring break. It is truly a joke and he knows it, because that’s how our family is. He has a very high trust level that I’m not going to peek at anything until he sees it first, since there was a similar situation when he took his first APs, and he had to request that I find out the scores, as I had not lifted a finger. Since sophomore year, even when the mail comes with his semester grades (addressed to us), our ritual is that I hand it to him to look at in private, and then he lets us see.</p>
<p>He’s carrying on the joking tradition. We have strong reason to believe the next wave of acceptances from one of his schools may be mailed this Friday. So he joked with me that he was considering fooling me that he was in, even before he received said letter.</p>
<p>As long as the student has given permission to the parent to open the mail, I don’t see a problem!</p>
<p>
My daughter feels exactly the same way. She starts school at 7:15 am and often doesn’t get home till after 6 pm, so she likes a texted pick-me-up at lunch time. She also flat-out refused early on to deal with sorting college emails and prioritizing them, so she has a separate email account (her year really is this busy) that I wade through and give her anything she needs to see. With regard to financial aid, I do it all and don’t expect her to deal with that. Now that accepted student invitations are pouring in, I can totally see that it would take too much of her time to manage them because earning an IB diploma while doing an internship and ECs can be overwhelming. I’m taking off from work the day she expects to hear from what is likely her top choice. If a large envelope comes, I am to open it, determine if the finances work and then purchase balloons. If she is admitted, I am to purchase a red balloon (school’s color), and if the finances work, I’m to purchase a black balloon and then tie them to the car so she can look out of the school window and know whether the news is good or bad.</p>
<p>This may not work for other people, but they aren’t members of our family, so too bad. Her theory is that these are her admissions, she’ll ultimately decide where she attends next year, and having me do the grunt work takes absolutely nothing away from her excitement. Now, if I were to tell anyone her news in her stead, my body would never be found.</p>
<p>“This may not work for other people, but they aren’t members of our family, so too bad.”</p>
<p>Good for you, Zoosermom! My daughter, on her own, changed her email account password so I could remember it, and gave me permission to check it. Sometimes she has emailed a teacher and asked me later what the response was, as she doesn’t have easy access to email at school and her teachers are in three different buildings. I am happy to help her. It works for us.</p>
<p>Please just be aware you are on a slippery slope when you handle small tasks for adults (at 18, they are adults). We all do it. We are so much faster and experienced and it seems like “help” – but it can put a crutch under a kid that the kid doesn’t need – and gets used to using. </p>
<p>We joke that son will do great in life if he just has a top notch secretary. The little stuff (like deadlines!) doesn’t get done often. I am working hard to wean him and me from Momma being constant support staff. </p>
<p>I will admit to feeling guilty at times. Older son was sent off to college (across the country) with a suitcase, pack and trunk. He arrived close to midnight in pouring rain and learned his dorm was across campus from the bus stop. This was in strong contrast to 90% of freshmen who were deposited at their dorm doorstep by a parent driving a UHaul worth of stuff. Was I not there for my kid? Maybe. But it is HIS college and HIS life and he is very happy with HIS choices.</p>
<p>People I am more concerned with my child’s reaction, ie. keeping their confidence up after ?# of rejections. Any thoughts? Thanks.</p>
<p>
Please be aware that other families are different from yours and have different priorities and circumstances.</p>
<p>
That’s for you to decide, but your example exemplifies the kind of parent I don’t want to be. But obviously it works for you in your family and you know better than anyone how and why that is. So kudoes to you for finding the right path.</p>
<p>vttxnh:</p>
<p>Hopefully there will be an acceptance in hand before rejections(s) come. This is what’s put my S in a state of zen now, I believe. </p>
<p>A lot depends on how far out there the student is. My S applied to several reachy places and knew the odds going in. He was rejected from Stanford SCEA. This weekend, he interviews for Regents scholarship at Berkeley. With the schools he has left, there is a strong likelihood of both more acceptances and rejections. Even if Berkeley ends up as the only top place he’s accepted at, he’ll be fine with it because he’s been prepared for this moment for months now and is not going to take it as a reflection on himself. I also prefer the wording “decline to admit.” The word rejection sounds harsh.</p>
<p>Olymom, I think it’s fine that your choices have worked for you. But as Cat Stevens said, there’s a million ways to be. Different families have different styles and different implict rules. In our family, we’re a weird mix–we give each other lots of space in some ways, but we’re casual about boundaries and ‘in each other’s face’ in other ways. We’ve often opened mail from colleges addressed to our son (usually stuff that was obviously just marketing), and he’s completely OK with this. But we would never, ever open anything that looked like a decision letter without his explicit instructions to do so. We see opening those envelopes as a Big Moment that needs to belong to him. In other families, however, it might not work that way. I would trust each family to know the answer.</p>
<p>vttxnh–a thread about this was started recently, but didn’t go very far:</p>
<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/872105-dealing-admissions-disappointments.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/872105-dealing-admissions-disappointments.html</a></p>
<p>you might want to revive it.</p>
<p>vttxnh-- some kids do get disappointed. Of course, I’ve always told my girls if they aren’t disappointed a couple of times a year, they really aren’t trying very hard. I know for some kids this is the first disappointment they might ever face. I have a gifted dyslexic, so she faced a lot of disappointment growing up and a lot of frustration and has learned how to handle it. My youngest has been pretty successful at everything she’s tried, so far, but she doesn’t care about grades and school all that much, not like the other one. Other things will disappoint her as time goes by. Of this I am absolutely certain.</p>
<p>We worry so much about keeping our kids safe from disappointment in this generation, but we can’t do much but love them and remind them that THEY are not the school they attend. THEY are them. By Thanksgiving of their freshman year, most kids, not all, are happy with the place they are in school. For the others, there is the transfer route. But, good luck to you. I recall this being a relatively stressful time last year for all of the parents and kids I know. By graduation, it’s all about leaving. It trumps the college thing, by then, believe it or not. :)</p>
<p>As for families dealing differently with kids, I have daughters and not sons, and I would no more let my daughter take some bus in the rain to college in the dark “on her own” than I would have let her go running around a lake without her cell phone.</p>
<p>Different perspective.</p>
<p>zoosermom ~ similar situation with my family. My D starts school 7:15, tutors after school and then goes to dance. She arrives home between 9:30 or 11:00 depending on the day and dance schedule. She really does not have time to check e-mail or an other on-line social network (her friends often complain she is not on facebook). She asked for my assistance in checking on-line college status where applicable and uses my e-mail for high school, college, dance and audition information. I guess, in addition to a mother, I am a administrative assistant. </p>
<p>Quote:
Please just be aware you are on a slippery slope when you handle small tasks for adults (at 18, they are adults). </p>
<p>Yes, sometimes I do wonder if she is a prepared 18 year old. However, even with her demanding academic and EC schedule, she has a high GPA and in top 3% of class her class. She has obtained an important life skill of time management. Yes, I assist her with the small tasks of reading e-mails and checking on-line college status but I am confident she has the skills to allow her to be successful in her next journey. If she has figured out how to juggle school and ECs she learn how to pick up the small stuff.</p>
<p>Different, of course, but not wrong. We are of the “bus in the rain to college in the dark” variety of parent, but then again we have sons. It is also the attitude and parenting style that they have been raised with, so no big surprise as they navigate college and adulthood on their own. Would have been a much bigger shock and adjustment if we had always been doing everything for them and then expected them to sink-or-swim after age 18.</p>
<p>
I wouldn’t let my son do that either, at least not as “the plan,” so to speak. If circumstances dictated that it had to be that way, he would cope, of course. </p>
<p>Heck, if my wife, a grown woman in her 50s, were going off somewhere new and unfamiliar to live for months, I would want to go there with her, see her off, help her get settled, and I know she would appreciate that, though she would do just fine without it if she had to.</p>
<p>We don’t do everything for any of our kids, but my husband and I do set the priorities for our family. For D2, the priorities are: health, education, social life. We believe that more sleep is better than less for her to succeed in those goals, and we know that she could handle the administrative details of her college search but see no reason for her to do so. If she couldn’t, then we’d be concerned, but this is a very on-the-ball young woman with a tough courseload, responsible internship and hectic schedule. I do a lot of the administrative things in our life for my husband, as well, and he does almost all of the driving and errands. We don’t believe in leaving each other to sink or swim but to use our own talents to support each other for the good of the unit.</p>
<p>“use our own talents to support each other for the good of the unit.”</p>
<p>I like that. We’re like that, each with our own talents and each of us using those for different things. Both my kids are really independent, but they aren’t afraid to ask for help when they need it. I’m glad. Nobody does it alone, imho.</p>
<p>As for the parents of the bus in the rain at night variety, I have no issue with that. Different perspectives make us a better country, fwiw.</p>
<p>
I agree completely. I think the most important factor is to communicate with your own family and be consistent in goals and values. If you’ve achieved that, then the kids are on the path to doing well no matter what the details.</p>