What to do when spouse disagrees on paying for kids college?

Can your family live on only one of the incomes, and free up the other one to pay for college? I know people who did it that way. Run your numbers and see how challenging it would be.

@happymomof1 – I could potentially pay with my salary…but it’s hard to segregate as my salary also helps pays for the high cable/phone bill, utilities, etc. Maybe that will be the compromise…I’ll pay out of my salary…we’ll see what happens. I’m beginning to see why some couples have completely separate finances/bank accounts…although my DD has a friend whose parents do this and she says they are always arguing about finances and who pays for what.

This is what the Thumper family did. My entire salary was dedicated to college costs for our kids for seven years. The money went into my account Direct deposit from my employer and out to the monthly college payment plan using auto withdrawal. We never saw my earnings…for seven years.

BUT…My husband and I agreed on this plan LONG before the kids were in college.

Plus, one salary really was adequate to pay the regular bills.

I need to add…our kids went to expensive private colleges. If they had attended an instate public university, some of my pay would have been seen…by us!

You don’t have to completely segregate ypur salary. You just need to do the math to see what proportion of the total family after tax income is due to each person. If there is a whole bunch of random interest income or stock dividends it is a bit trickier, but if all accounts are joint, and there just are two W2s, this isn’t hard at all.

Show them the numbers at UMW ($3,000 for 3.25/22 act). Then look at CNU’s numbers. Run the NPC on Roanoke, Randolph Macon, Randolph, Guilford, Warren Wilson…
(Btw, yes Sweet Briar is a woman’s college but it’s nurturing and really pretty. Run the NPC and if it shows something within range financially, go for a tour with your daughter. I’m sure that if the choice were Sweet Briar or community college she’d like SBC better… If she has better choices, all the better).
Show various scenarios. Most kids really don’t understand the limits on college choices caused by money, and how grades and test score can change things.

@thumper1 unfortunately, we never talked about how college would be funded for our kids (which I regret) but honestly not sure it would have made a difference because we likely would never have agreed…my DH wasn’t and isn’t even in favor of setting aside monthly savings to their 529s if you can believe it. Thankfully, as I handle the finances that’s been done so that we have at least a little (~$30-35K for each kid) saved to help fund college so far.

@scoutmom2002

We didn’t fund a nickel of college savings. Not a nickel. But we fully funded our retirement.

Most kids entering college don’t have 529 or any other college savings. They just don’t.

Most kids go to college not very far from home. Many commute. Many attend public universities. Many start at community colleges or less costly instate publics.

So far…the only issue I see is that your husband won’t discuss college costs with you. Times have changed, and so have costs since a generation ago…when it was maybe still possible for a student to pay their own college costs. The costs have increased a lot…and that isn’t an option for many students who want to go to a four year residential college.

You and your husband need to look at some college websites together…for reasonable instate colleges in VA. Even those are not going to be free…and even those might not be possible for half funding from the student.

Is your husband Portuguese (grew up there or grew up in the US?)
Do your children have dual citizenship?

I (and I say “I” because getting DH to do this is pointless) am the one researching VA in-state public (as well as commuter school (GMU) and community colleges - NVCC and even Richard Bland Junior College) as options. DD and DS understand these options. DH is sadly not showing any interest in even the process of researching college options for DD and DS. I have been running NPCs at various VA schools…so yes, DD and DS will have options. I’ll state this again…am blessed to be in VA with so many great options. I will discuss with DD and DS the various merit aid that they might qualify for even with B averages and based on average SAT/ACT scores - this is encouraging at least.

@MYOS1634 Yes (me too by the way); we both grew up in US; no they do not have dual citizenship.

@scoutmom2002, I just want to say again that I can relate very much to your situation. Disagreements with one’s spouse, while not pleasant, are inevitable at some times in a marriage. If the issues can be talked about, fine.
Disagreements with one’s spouse who says, “I won’t do what you want and I refuse to discuss the issue” raise things to an entirely different level of frustration.

You can apply for them to get a Portuguese citizenship. You have to do it before they’re 18 I think. It can come in handy in various situations.

@MYOS1634 Really?? How for example would it come in handy?

It sounds like OP’s H has been enabled to pass and avoid responsibility on difficult conversations - both about college and about his own father not having a will or estate plans.

Often, the simple act of pointing this out, tactfully, is enough to elicit a different behavior. Not just calling him out on it, but informing him that he is teaching his children by example that they don’t have to take action, they don’t have to research the facts that the world has changed, they can ignore it or “wing it” if they get a good spouse to do it for them.

I applaud you for taking the initiative to look into additional options. When you collect information and present it to your DH, and the facts show that your kids won’t be able to attend 4 yr sleep away undergrad tuition, room and board without some combination of more than your 529 plans, amount you can contribute from your earnings, and limited federal loans, you will present him with options.

First will be that they don’t go to college. You don’t want that, and it is likely he doesn’t want that for them either.
But you put it on the table to illustrate how you’re considering all possibilities.

Second, they go to college and they pay 1/2, and you and your DH pay half. This may mean a LOT of debt for your kids, which you have said you want to avoid, If the fed loans won’t be enough for their share, you and your DH may have them sign loan notes to you both - this can be a compromise to your DH to show you really have listened to him, and you value his input on how he wants to spend what he is not contributing to the family resources. Additionally, it has the benefit in your situation that it treats your S and D both fairly if / when unexpected things happen down the road, if one takes a year or semester off, or if the other attends community college for 2 years, and the costs are different, etc.

Third option is that kids pay what they can, and you and your DH agree to pay the rest. It sounds like your DH doesn’t want to do this but you throw it out there for discussion. Here you make the point that you are investing in their futures, and not having UG debt means they will have more options for graduate school, etc.

Last option is to throw out the possibility that your average sophomore students will bloom and get much better grades, or the soccer scholarship will come through. Again, this may not be as likely as the initial plan, but you include it for discussion because you really want to be as considerate to his thoughts as possible.

If they want free Master’s degrees, for internships, if moving abroad is a pathway to a promotion in an international company. Automatic right to health care if they choose to relocate. At this point it’s unlikely but a friend rhought it impossible… and here he is, glad her kids (now adults) have dual citizenship because they have another place they can go to with more of a safety net, which is currently needed.

OP- you don’t need your husband to get yourself a will. Sure- it’s better if you guys create an integrated plan, complete with your wishes known on end of life care, Power of Attorney, etc. But (not to be crass) women live longer than men, your husband is older than you are. So at least statistically, you are likely to be the surviving spouse who has to deal with the complexity of your H dying without a will. But in the event that you predecease your husband, you will have done your kids one last huge favor by having a will (and the other documents which the lawyer will draw up) by leaving things organized for them. And you can designate an executor who is much more financially savvy than your husband who can help your kids sort things through. It’s not rocket science, but if he doesn’t like deadlines, things like re-titling your IRA (if you have one) have rigid timelines.

Big hug to you. You will figure this out.

My kids both got good degrees at good schools. On the day they graduated they were self-sufficient, in EVERY way. Health insurance, rent, everything.

There are others in my family who did not plan well/choose good degree situations etc etc. and more than 10 years later are still supporting their kids through rent/insurance/cars.

Which option does your husband want?

Your kids could have EU passports, and you haven’t done the paperwork? Wow! Do that next week, and give yourself a break from the college stuff.

They could work in the EU. They could live in the EU. They could study in the EU, possibly at costs more favorable than here.

@happymomof1 - neither my DH nor I have EU passports. We are both naturalized US Citizens. Having a clearance I was unable to have dual-citizenship anyways. Both DD and DS were born in the US and have always had US passports. I’ll have to check if they can have both US and EU passports and be dual citizens. But again, I’ll have to discuss this with DH and I highly doubt he’ll see any benefit or even want to go through the trouble and I’m pretty sure I couldn’t do this without DH’s consent.

You may be able to do this based on your parents, and your husband wouldn’t even enter into it at all. Check the rules for Portugal. In some countries, only one citizen grandparent is enough. Happykid is completely miffed because Happydad didn’t pursue his right to Spanish citizenship several years ago when there was a legal window open for that. His Cuban-born mother did claim Spanish citizenship based on her parents, but he dropped the ball. Happykid may be too many generations removed, but remains hopeful that a paper trail can be worked out.