So what if your child hits some bumps along the way and fails a course or two or melts down and has to depart mid semester? Seriously. Don’t tell me “We won’t allow that”. No one wants to see that happen…but it does. And if it does, do you really hit them when they are down? Do you budget for bumps?
So then what do you do? Will you really tell your child you won’t pay to return to college? Our firstborn is just going to graduate w her undergraduate degree in May, assuming what she says is true. She started college in 2010. 2010! Only one semester was completely off.
It is complicated because college funding is a gift from a wealthy grandfather who has memory loss, so a trust lawyer just writes the checks. Kid has figured out how to go around me to get the money. No one else cares to teach her that you don’t waste ANYONE’s money. She doesn’t waste it on purpose but she has figured out how to have it work for her (for example, her housing is paid for still, her own one bedroom apartment…after all, she is a student).
I am the mean parent because I have taken stands such as “You didn’t bother to get that course transferred from CC; I’m not paying for a retake.”(She waited so long that her home college wont take the course transfer). She has two incompletes on her transcript-always with a story. She called recently to tell me her health insurance had been cancelled-she turned 26. She wanted me to come up with a plan. I told her she needed to consider getting a grown up job or internship. She was stunned. She takes 3 courses a semester plus a fitness course (which also frosts me-the cost of a course at her school is high like most US private colleges and it would cost so much less for her to just buy a gym than to take fitness courses at college). She has decided she can only take 3-4 courses a semester because she has anxiety and gets overwhelmed. DH is always sympathetic. But he’s not paying for it and does not seem to care that money is being wasted. Kid doesn’t even talk to me anymore.
I have always been the one wearing the money hat in our relationship. DH goes to work on autopilot and his pay goes into our joint family account. I contribute significantly more. I pay all the bills, make all the decisions,negotiate any deals which can be (insurance, investments, big purchases, etc). How do you get someone to care? To want to impart values? If you knew more, I know there would be a big uprising about how spoiled the kid is, and yet I live with a dark cloud over my head as the mean parent.
Are you attending her graduation? May is only a week or two away.
If Grandpa set up the education fund, and the trust lawyer is happy to sign the checks, then I say just stay our of this unless her seemingly frivolous ways mean that there is less money available for younger siblings and cousins. Yes it bothers you how the money is being spent, but if grandpa had all of his wits would he care? Maybe not. He might be perfectly fine with this.
When she was cut off from the health plan, why couldn’t she get health insurance through the college? There are scads of adult jobs that don’t offer health insurance. Or did you mean that she should get a job so as to be able to pay for the school health insurance?
If she missed a cut-off for transferring credits, who didn’t notice on time - just her, or were multiple people. asleep at various wheels? I have a niece who lost financial aid one year - she thought her mom was doing the paperwork & her mom thought the niece was doing it.
Has she been evaluated for anxiety? I would encourage that. And yes if she does have anxiety or an ADHD type exacutive function issue, that could go a long way to explaining the incompletes, un-transferred classes, and need for lower number of courses each semester. Given all the extra courses she’s taking for fitness, is there any chance that those could add up to a minor in something ot other?
@austinmshauri We think we are going to her graduation but we wont really know if it is really happening until a day or two before. Our kids are very closed yet she has told her siblings not to worry about attending. That throws red flags up in the air for me. She doesnt want it acknowledged-and it could be because it has been long and drawn out but it could also reflect that there is an issue.
Does she have executive functioning issues or ADHD? If she suffers from anxiety she could have other disorders too. It sounds like you’re frustrated that she’s taken longer than 4 years to graduate, but you acknowledge that she’s not being purposely wasteful. It’s not uncommon for students with those types of issues to need a reduced course load and additional time to graduate. Have you tried talking to her? Maybe if you tell her you appreciate her efforts and are excited to attend her graduation and want to make a celebration of it with the whole family – dinner out with all your children, for instance – she’ll be happy to share the details with you.
I think you are handling it correctly. As things like insurance come up, she’ll have to handle them. You can give her some suggestions like getting it from the school or contacting an insurance broker to buy it off the exchange. If she’s not getting money from you but has figured out how to get it from the trust, she’s figured it out.
I have one kid who knows where every single dime is spent. She just bought a car and financed it, and it already trying to figure out how to pay it off early. Her sister? Doesn’t even know what dimes are, or how she’ll get some to pay for things. She’s not even aware of the need for health insurance. I don’t know how to teach it except to go over everything with her step by step.
@happymomof1 There will be enough left for the others, regardless of how much she burns through. I just want her to be principled and to experience the confidence that comes with being self supporting. If Grandpa had all of his wits, he would have pulled the plug by now, on principle. He put himself through college in 3 years, earned a chemical engineering degree, and sent home money to his family as his mother had died and his father was bankrupt w 3 kids at home. He doesn’t/didn’t have a lot of sympathy in him, though she is his “favorite”.
She definitely has diagnosed anxiety. Also ADD and executive functioning disorder. She has worked with a learning specialist and become more organized so that she gets her school work done, and well, but it has taken a long time. She is on meds for both.
I had bought her the health insurance through her college 18 months ago. $3000 for the policy for the year. Thought it would take the pressure off husband’s work family policy. She never used it. I have repeatedly told her she could still submit receipts and be reimbursed but she won’t do it. I didn’t renew it-I just let her stay on the family policy. When she discovered she was cut off coverage from the family policy due to her age, it was a surprise for all of us. I knew her age was a threshold; I just didn’t know how that would be effected but I guess the insurance company is the one who does the countdown and kick off.
Not getting courses transferred and credited was entirely on her. I reminded her repeatedly that it needed to be done. She has worked very hard at keeping me out of her business because she didn’t like being caught deficient (understandable but not productive). That is why we don’t know for sure if she is graduating. No access to her transcript and she tells us what she wants us to hear, seemingly regardless of reality (but we did receive a bill for summer courses for a masters she is apparently tagging on. At one point, it was going to be a minor.)
I welcome feedback. I feel like the meanest mom with a very indulged kid.
My daughter is dyslexic, dysgraphic, and dyscalculic. Those come with executive functioning issues. I’ve found it’s better to encourage and help her. If you’re just making your daughter feel like a burden because school is taking her longer than it does others and acting like she’s spoiled and indulged instead of treating her like a young woman with medical and learning issues, it doesn’t surprise me she’s reluctant to share things with you. Have you read up on the challenges she’s facing? That may help you learn to deal with them.
@twoinanddone Thanks for your input. It helps to hear others have a spectrum to deal with.
If one of yours failed a couple of courses or did not complete incompletes, what would you do? Would you pay for their redos?
Those are things I’ve never had to face, I suppose it all would depend on what I felt was the reason behind those problems.
I can understand that you want her to feel successful, and to become a responsible adult. But given that you aren’t actually in charge of footing the bill, you really don’t have any say here. Try to step out of the situation. Consider instead how very fortunate you are that you haven’t had to be the one worrying about paying while your daughter took the slow route through college, and that she will finish without debt. My BFF’s daughter suffered from severe anxiety and spent down every cent of her college fund while doing reasonably well fall semester, then failing spring semester, then taking time off, then repeating the cycle. The daughter clung to the notion that she would somehow make things work at her college, and wouldn’t accept that they weren’t going to until her entering class graduated. She spent more time at home in therapy, then about a year at a community college to get her academic mojo back before transferring to a commuting distance college that she had to take out loans in her own name for. Ultimately pretty much the same 8 year schedule as your daughter but with much more student debt. She worked about a year then entered the grad program in a service field she that had always been her long-range goal, and she now is launched on her profession.
What are your daughter’s strengths? What sort of career does she envision for herself? What life management skills does she want to master in order to be confident about launching into adukt life? Those would be things to think about, and to start discussing with her when she’s ready to talk.
@happymomof1 Your BFFs daughter sounds very much like mine. Therapy. Community college. Back to her own school. Then repeat. 8 years. Glad to hear she eventually got launched.
DD undergrad degree is in international affairs. Masters in art history. There is overlap somehow. Again, we are in the dark. I get frustrated seeing so much being spent on what will ultimately earn so little. Jobs in art history are few and far between. She tells me I should be happy that she wants to be educated.
She has recently begun dating someone who she has determined will be “the one”. Makes me sad because while he is a nice guy, she appears to be choosing based on his ability to provide her a comfortable living rather than based on the strength of their connection.
We are facing something like this now. She has changed majors 3 times, so now that we are nearing the end, she has to finish some required courses. She currently needs 15 credits of upper division history to graduate. She also needs the dreaded math class which we have been putting off (she struggles with math). She could take the math class this summer and then take the 15 history credits in the fall, but she really wants to go to school for 2 more semesters, split the required course, and also finish a minor. There really aren’t 5 history classes she’s interested in offered in the fall.
This will cost a couple thousand for the extra semester (she’ll lose the merit scholarship because it is only good for 8 semesters), plus she’ll have an extra semester of student loans.
I’m usually the mean mom, and the cheap mom, but I have to give a little on this one. She has some learning issues that she’s overcome. She was born at 24 weeks, weighing only 1# 4 oz, suffered some brain bleeds, worked through PT and OT and come a long way. I can give her the extra 5 months, the extra semester. So yes, I could make her finish in just one more semester but she’ll take two. $$$.
Her sister didn’t have the same option of an extra semester because she got so much in scholarships that only lasted 8 semesters that I couldn’t have paid the extra $25k for one extra semester. I will get accused of favoring one kid but really each got the education that was best for her.
@austinmshauri Thank you for that perspective.
I think what doesn’t work between us is that I am a fixer. If there is a problem, deal with it. Get past it. Like my father, I lost my mother in high school. I did not have anyone there to pick up pieces so empathy doesn’t come naturally to me. I was an uber achiever. She is smart, pretty and capable. It is hard for me to be very empathetic when I think she SHOULD be able to make better progress.
Regardless of where the money is coming from, would other parents really keep forking out? She not only costs additional semesters tuition but there are all the associated costs of paying her living expenses. She could actually live at home-we are a short hour to her school-but she would not consider that and now that she went around me to get to funding, she is comfortable in her city digs. Is an education worth this much? and do I need to be more patient?
@thumper1 Yes, same one, and no. No. No. She is so complex. I have tried to get her in to treatment but she won’t go.
What are you paying for? If I understand things correctly, her housing and tuition/fees are covered. She’s 26 so she’s not on your insurance. She’s old enough to be independent for the FAFSA, so if she hasn’t already maxed out the student loans, she has access to money to cover costs of food, insurance, etc.
Why is it so hard for you to just walk away? She is not going to do things the way you think she should. You need to find a way to accept that, and just let her be.
@twoinanddone I’m so sorry to hear of your Ds struggles. What a start she had. Loving each one best doesn’t always mean giving them all the same. We meet them where they are, give them what they need (clearly I am failing in this with firstborn). Hopefully, your second does not feel second place.
Our second born just stepped out of college mid way through a mechanical engineering degree. Fortunately, our third is at a top school, making deans list AND working 3 jobs (working entirely by choice). He will get through in a short 4 years. He is enjoying the independence that comes with earning his own money and told me he would consider dropping out to just work but promises he won’t do that to me! Our youngest is about to accept an offer of admission from Harvard. Its 'as though the younger ones have learned from watching her struggles. We also laugh that perhaps they have been more self sufficient because they have been neglected in favor of her. There doesn’t seem to be resentment; quite the contrary and I am so grateful for that.
At ge 26…she is too old for you to get onto treatment unless she was declared incompetent. That does not sound like the case.
Unfortunately…she has some issues to deal with.
Fortunately, you aren’t paying her bills.
Have you ever sought any counseling to deal with this situation? Your other kids are high achieving! Ivy League level students who sound like they are on track to graduate on time.
When I read your back posts…I remembered your story. This isn’t new.
@happymomof1 We pay her medical expenses. We pay her food, gas, car insurance, EZ pass, etc. She was on our health insurance until very recently and was devastated when I told her she needed to figure out how to purchase her own insurance.She doesn’t have any money. I was never willing to co-sign student loans with her because they would just become my loans. Can a 26 year old get her own student loans, midway through a semester?
And why is it so hard for me to walk away? She is my child and she has not launched.
I am working on understanding if my expectations and reactions are appropriate, excessive, or lenient. I don’t want to make things worse but I don’t want to abandon someone who doesn’t deserve that either.
A 16 year old student can get her own loans without a co-signer.
I can assure you I’d never ever ever pay the car insurance or other car expenses for a child who’d received a DUI. I would have stopped paying the living expenses long before age 26 and 8 years of college.