What would you give this essay?

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1

<p>Do people succeed by emphasizing their differences from other people?</p>

<p>Many people believe that following trends and displaying similarities with others is the best way to succeed, however the most successful of people not only had their differences but also emphasized them.</p>

<p>When thinking about remarkable pianists, many people think about Beethoven, the compose of the everlasting 'Fur Elise'. As a youth Beethoven was a locally acclaimed youngster with a talent and passion for piano, yet as time went on he developed hearing difficulties and eventually became deaf. It as at time time, through passion and determination, that Beethoven wrote his most captivating of scores and obtained acknowledgement from royalties alike. Now, three centuries later, Beethoven is renowned like no other pianist primarily because he is that pianist who wrote beautiful pieces despite being deaf.</p>

<p>Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi, too, differentiated himself from others. He, a significant figure in the independence of India, advocated his cause through non-violence in the midst of bloodshed. He left his life as a successful lawyer in South Africa and went to India where he gave away everything he owned. Furthermore, he decided that violence, something that everyone believed would solve the problem, was not the answer. His ever memorable march across India to the salt beaches of Bombay united most of the nation as it gained independence. Today he is remembered as the unique icon who obtained independence through non-violence.</p>

<p>Most people, such as Gandhi and Beethoven, whose memories and chronicles are unforgettable, obtained success by differentiating themselves in a world where the increasing population makes it imperative to do so.</p>

<p>How would you rate this essay? Need tips for the SAT in June (only thing holding me back from a 800 in Writing).</p>

2

<p>I’d call it a “low 4”. My thoughts:</p>

<p>Your intro is a bit sparse. Thesis statement is adequate, but try hitting the reader with some kind of a ‘hook’ to generate some interest. You could also briefly foreshadow the kinds of examples you’ll use to prove your stated thesis.</p>

<p>Beethoven could work in support of your thesis, but remember to closely and directly tie it to the prompt, which is asking about people succeeding by <em>emphasizing</em> their differences, not succeeding in spite of their differences. If you could specifically cite that Beethoven’s lack of hearing allowed him to, say, visualize more advanced structures of composition that made his music more amazing, that would better support your thesis statement. Also, it’s a bit of a stretch to claim that he’s renowned because he was deaf, but it’s okay to make stuff up like that as far as the grading rubric is concerned.</p>

<p>Transition is a little abrupt between the examples. It’s generic, but try “It’s not only in the arts where we can find individuals that succeed through differing from the status quo; …” to start your next paragraph.</p>

<p>Gandhi example is better than Beethoven as far as directly tying to your thesis statement. You do a good job of pointing out that most others viewed violence as the most appropriate method to solve a problem, where he did not. </p>

<p>Your conclusion statement is a run-on, and in general there are little grammar issues here and there. Stylistically, it is interesting to note that you use Beethoven by name repeatedly in the first support paragraph, while in the second you use the pronoun ‘he’ in place of Gandhi in almost every situation. Try to be more consistent with this sort of thing from paragraph to paragraph.</p>

<p>Finally, you could probably write more- my last three SAT essays(12, 11, 11) were all between 350-380 words in length, whereas you’re clocking in at just over 250 words. Add a third example, flesh out your intro/conclusion, provide more detail in your support paragraphs, etc. Put your writing skill on display - the more sentences a grader can review, the more evidence they can find to justify giving you a 5 or a 6!</p>

3

<p>I would give between a high 3 and a low 4.</p>

<p>I agree with TurquoiseHexagon that the introduction did not capture the reader’s attention. I would suggest paraphrasing the essay prompt – I note that you used “not only had their differences but also emphasized them”. How different is this from saying “people do emphasize their differences”?</p>

<p>Introduction of the examples right after your thesis will ensure you have a smooth transition into the second paragraph. Another benefit of doing so is that you are called upon to plan your examples before writing them. Planning the arrangement of examples is critical because if your first example is a robust one, it sets the tone flowing. You are then able to arrange the strongest example right after your introduction. The fact that you have arranged the Beethoven example at the first example might impact your reader’s first impression – particularly important since the graders don’t spend much time on every single essay. </p>

<p>TurquoiseHexagon also pointed out the essay should be longer. My suggestion is to contextualize the example. For example, if you use Gandhi, you might want to use “In the world of Asian history” at the start to allow the reader to have a first glimpse of the example. The point of transition also works here, because inserting the context at the start of each body paragraph would allow you to inform the reader you have moved from one area to another. Doing so also allows you to have a consistent structure. Context – Explanation of Example – Link of Example to Thesis.</p>

<p>In case you run out of space to do a proper conclusion, you could just do with “The analysis of the examples shows” without actually describing the examples, as you did in “such as Gandhi and Beethoven”. </p>

<p>For such an essay prompt, it may be useful to generate a common theme that resonates throughout your essay. I did the May SAT and had the same essay prompt as you. I adopted the theme of “deviance”. I got 11 for my essay. My essay length was 405. Yes, the entire two pages were filled up.</p>