I thought the same thing @doschicos :))
By the way, lots of schools have ‘substance free’ dorms so your S should look for that option on the campuses he’s considering. My S was an athlete who attended Grinnell and lived in sub-free housing for all 4 years. The demand for sub-free was so high during his years that they had to create extra sub-free floors in other dorms to handle all the demand.
At many schools, it’s the nicest housing on campus because they know students won’t be throwing up in the stairwell. And sub-free doesn’t mean that students don’t go to parties where alcohol (or other mind-altering substances) are available - what it usually means is that 1) they don’t want a social life that is defined by parties and hope to meet others with a similar mindset and 2) if they do go to a party, they want to be able to leave it and go back to a clean, quiet party-free dorm. It worked well for him.
Downside? Well, there are the campus rumors that these dorms are full of kids who were ‘forced’ to live there by their parents and drink like fish, have religious objections to alcohol or are all recovering alcoholics. Occasionally there is indeed someone of that description living there but these are the exceptions, not the rule. The other downside is more an ‘ecosystem effect’ - because these kids no longer live in the ‘regular’ dorms, it means the kids who don’t party hard in those dorms now carry a larger burdon of looking out for drunken class-mates than in prior years.
Just make sure to ask about the intermural program at any school he is seriously considering. Avoid the commuter schools that clear out on the weekends. And BTW my son just competed in an online video game tournament organized by one of the school groups. Anywhere there are 3 or 4 kids with an interest there will be a club for it.
Enjoy your visit to OU next week. Visiting on St. Patrick’s Day would be interesting at most campuses:). Since someone mentioned substance free dorms, OU has at least one. It’s in the same building as one of the dining halls, Stively Hall I believe. A question I would ask is what makes a substance free dorm any different from any other freshman dorm or hall? Since drinking isn’t allowed until you are 18 and OU is a smoke free campus I’d like to know the difference.
I asked him about substance free dorms and he said no way, talk about standing out as a loser… the more I think about it, it strikes me that this is pre-wedding jitters.
The ironic thing is that I was a very wild college student. I think that D.A.R.E education program worked in his case!
So try to check the calendar of events or something similar and see how much is offered on weekends. And check the library hours. D2 was at a hard partying school, spent most weekend nights in the library and said it was plenty crowded. After, she’d walk through a party, just to be seen, then leave and meet up with other non-drinking friends.
My son is exactly like this too… he plans to keep very busy with sports … He does Crew and Fencing so early mornings and late afternoons and weekends are always reserved for sports… He also tends to get involved in leadership type clubs that take up a ton of his time.
Enlisted maybe, service academies, no.
Every college is a “party” school, but not everybody needs to participate. My D. did not - she did not have time. She had more time in her senior year and she started going to bars around the campus and have a bit more fun. She actually loves the parties, she is very outgoing with tons of friends wherever she goes. Nobody is forcing anybody to be a “party animal”, they do what they want, they are adults.
@ChoatieMom on some weekends Service Academies, yes.
I would echo what others have said, and am really only posting because our sons sound very similar. My son is a varsity athlete who doesn’t drink and would rather spend the evening playing Fallout or League of Legends than going out to party. He also is in a sub free dorm, although he will not be next year (two of his three roommates next year are partiers). He hasn’t had any problems socializing or finding his place.
One thing that I found interesting is that gaming is now a social event, with large groups of gamers (at least on his campus, I would imagine on others) who have campus wide campaigns (at my kid’s school, League of Legends and Call of Duty seem to be the favorites). The days of the computer nerd who sits in his room late at night staring at a screen and not talking to anyone are long, long gone. It is really a social experience now. Your guy will find his niche, I really wouldn’t worry about it. I certainly wouldn’t shy away from any particular school because it made some list as a huge party school.
Cadets and mids know how to party, but that is not the culture of the academies and alcohol consumption on base is seriously controlled, confined to the officer’s club, and no under-age drinking. Break the rules and you can be out rather unceremoniously
Off base, another story.
"I asked him about substance free dorms and he said no way, talk about standing out as a loser… "
Is he really that insecure? A few Sunday mornings of vomit in the common bathroom and urine in stairwell may cause him to rethink this position. There’s a reason why sub-free is usually the nicest housing on campus.
Change “he” to “she” and the OP could’ve been describing me as an undergrad. I went to one of the biggest party schools in the nation (Michigan State) and am not a partier myself. Sure, I’ll drink occasionally but I can count the number of times I’ve been drunk on one hand. I happen to enjoy beer because I like the taste of it.
I never had any problems finding friends. One weekend night, I just wandered around the dorm and looked for other people who were in. One happened to be a group of guys playing League of Legends and I realized I had found my people (ended up marrying one of 'em, too).
There will be a group like this at any reasonably sized uni. Don’t worry.
PS: If the sports-loving, gaming nerds (of which I am proudly one) are the out of control partiers, no one told them. I know a lot of people who love sports and e-gaming and none remotely fit into that category.
You have described my son also, and like you I have been worried about how he will get along in the party environment of the schools that he favors. However, after attending the accepted students day at one he had already met some like minded students and felt an “I belong here” vibe. I think he will be okay.
Maybe he’s mistaking his acquaintances for friends. Acquaintances are people you have to associate with because you work or go to school together. Friends are people you spend time with because you like them. Is your son saying that he doesn’t want to be friends with students if they drink at all or just those who drink a lot? Why can’t he join them when they’re doing things he likes and do something else when they’re doing things he doesn’t?
My son is a college freshmen. He’s not a partier, but some of his friends are. He doesn’t drink or smoke joints, but that doesn’t mean he can’t have a good time with his friends who do. His best friends are (self-described): a jock, a computer geek, a gaming nerd, a party animal, and a misfit. They come from at least 4 different religions and their political beliefs are all over the spectrum, but that doesn’t seem to matter. They all get together for some things (such as video games), but subgroups get together for others (the hard core parties, hiking, etc).
My (17 yr old) daughter has a different approach. She has different groups of friends. There are friends from school, friends from her swim team, and friends from her Scout troop. If one group is doing something that she’s not interested in, she’ll do something with one of the other groups. She isn’t aware of anyone who drinks, but used to know someone who smoked (the ex of one of her friends). As long as he didn’t do it near her, she didn’t care.
I would encourage your son to be flexible. Unless he goes to a really small school, he should be able to find people with similar interests. And on nights when some of them are going to parties, he should make plans with the ones who aren’t.
As others have mentioned, there may be partiers at ANY university. One thing you may want to do is contact schools and see if they have alternative social programs. On weekends, my school had a center where they did things like improv shows, student band concerts, a capella, movie nights, etc. That way students felt they had social options. They did a good job making it feel like a fun event to go to (not just for misfits).
I love this thread – S16 is just like this, and I had been a little concerned. Not so much, anymore. Thanks!
D1 went to small school. Lots of partying and pretty much one social scene. She did find group that wasn’t so much into it - and thrill did fade after a year or so for many. But it was a more limited choice of people to hang with.
D2 went to large university “greek heavy” southern school. Quotes are because it’s more a reputation than reality. At big schools (or at least hers) very greek means around 30% greek. They are very visible part of school. But that means around 70% aren’t greek. I think of partying the same way. Sometimes it’s a very visible group. Pictures of kids hanging together to play video games and share pizza don’t make the front page of paper the way an out of control off campus party do.
D2 found a group of freshman friends who did not put partying at the top of list. D2 still not big drinker. Several in her group drink more now but most avoided it until legal and not really to “go out to get drunk” mentality. As a group they were involved in a variety of religious groups, intramural and club sports, student government, sustainability groups, etc. Together they watched movies, went to football games, played video games (guys more than girls), played Frisbee, took PE classes (shagging, kayaking, horseback) together and, when all in campus apartments, had their own Thanksgiving dinner and other group cooking.
Personally, the more specific the interests, the more likely you are to find a groups of friends that match you exactly at a large school - just more people to pick from.
Look for a school that offers substance free housing. He will be fine. We have less to worry about than the parents of the partiers!