Hoping any of you may have some input–my son is a bright, sports-loving, video-game-playing, athletic, fun-loving person who finds “partying” type situations uncomfortable. After we moved midway through his high school years, he came out and told me that the reason he doesn’t go out on the weekends is because he does not like the party situations in his new high school–he thinks people start acting like fools and he just feels very viscerally uncomfortable and makes some excuse to leave. He is nice-looking, funny, and people like him, but he is very leery of the whole party situation in college, especially because most of his top choice schools are reputed to be party schools. He articulated the problem: one can have great ‘friends’ in school who share your interests (sports, video games, fantasy football, pranks, in this case), but those people also tend to be the out-of-control partiers outside of school. He said he doesn’t want to have to split “school friends” and true friends in college, and I don’t know what to say…
There have GOT to be other kids like him who are into fun, silly guy stuff but who are not partiers–but who are also not social misfits! Are these people going to be so hard to find? As a parent, would you steer your child away from the known party schools? Thanks in advance to any and all who respond!
Almost every school can be described as a “party school.” Mine went to the number 1 party school in the country (that’s how it was ranked the year he started). It’s the first time that most students are away from parental supervision and some go crazy, some stay away from it all, and most kids grow up (and maybe let loose a little).
At a large school, there are so many types of students and they tend to gravitate toward each other. The party ones hang out with other party ones, the academics hang out with the academics, the music kids hang out with the music kids, etc. The first “group” a student will have will be dorm-mates (that’s why I suggested an honors dorm). But another important group will be those who like to do the same things you do. That’s why intramural sports and clubs are important. My son joined things like the mountain biking club and the (YIKES!) skydiving club.
I think it also depends on major. Some majors require so much commitment that THAT’s where you’ll spend much of your time and meet most of your friends.
So, I think it’s not too much of a worry. I think your son will find his set of “groups” no matter where he goes to school.
The amount of people who party and drink in college seems larger than it actually is. I’m not a social misfit, but I don’t party. I hangout in the lounges of my dorm and I have lunch with friends. We go to campus events and have tons of fun! The students union building will have a lot of activities to. I go to a “party school.” There are people who party. But there are many fun things to do outside of partying. I think it would be a mistake to encourage him to avoid parties. Party schools have extracurricular activities and clubs. Those clubs will always be available for him to check out. Non party schools will have those things available, but if he changes and wants a more social and party friendly experience, he will have limited opportunities for that.
@digmedia Truly, you are the voice of wisdom! Now to pour myself a drink, haha.
(Actually I will silently raise my glass to you, @lvvcsf and the many others who’ve advised me when son and I arrive on the afternoon of St. Patrick’s Day to tour Athens. )
@Calicash thanks for your insights! You just never want to feel like your kid wakes up on the Planet Mars and gets that Chris Christie “What the hell did I just do?” moment…
My daughter is not a social misfit and has managed to find a whole group of friends who don’t party. She is a freshman and has yet to attend a party where alcohol is being served at her college. In fact the other day they were celebrating the end of quarter finals with “kid” wine (sparkling grape juice), popcorn and a movie marathon. They find all manner of alternate things to do besides watching movies on Netflix and playing video games. They are also all study hard students who are doing well and making dean’s list.
Your son can find like minded people no matter where he goes to school.
Okay…I’ll respond because my children attend the Princeton Review’s “#1 party school”, UIUC. My son sounds similar to your son, except for the playing pranks and silly part. He has made a lot of friends, primarily through the RSOs he has joined…two are professional in nature, the third is sports-related.
Yes, there may seem to be a lot of ‘partiers’ on campus. But when you consider that there are 32,000 undergrad students, there is a good chance you can find like-minded people to be friends with… if you try. Is it hard? It depends on the individual. You can make friends in your dorm if you keep your door open. You can join organizations and meet people with similar interests and aspirations as you. Then it takes a little bit of luck.
So if he is concerned about making friends in college, visit the campus and shadow a current student, if possible. Encourage him to look beyond the superficial things, like how new the buildings are, and pay attention to what the students are like, especially in areas like the cafeterias, the student union, the main building for his intended major, and some of the local food spots.
I agree with a lot of the other posters here. Your son can find people he’ll want to be friends with, no matter what school he attends. But visit them and he can decide for himself.
Not unsurprisingly, he is not worrying about this excessively at all, it’s more me. He is more resigned that his interests coincide with those of substance-abusing “bros”.
When I asked him this afternoon to have another college talk, he suggested he just join the Army and put an end to all this talk.
I think it’s harder finding a non-partying niche at a big party school especially one with a big Greek presence. If he picked a school that is more relaxed in general he might find more athletic types that aren’t partyers. Has he visited some schools other than the big party schools? He might benefit from a few overnight visits.
My D is not a party girl, although does go to them and not drink alcohol. At her school there is a Friday night activity put on by student govrrnment, and she and her friends did a lot of those things, everything from adance parties to movies to a hypnotist (a favorite) to ice skating. Almost all activities at her school are free with a student ID, so all sports (even D1 football), some concerts, reduced prices at the theater and art shows.
He could also get involved in the outdoor activities. D can sign up for mountain biking, camping, kayaking, ski weekends for a very low price.
My daughter is at a large school and does not party. I think she agreed to attend a party once and left after seven minutes, vowing never to do it again. She is definitely not a “social misfit.” She is very involved in several clubs and campus organizations and attends sporting events. She recently commented to me that the school does a very good job of planning activities on campus, and the RA’s are always planning things to do in the dorms. It has not been a problem.
parent- do NOT worry. Your son will find his niche at his chosen U. Large schools that have party reputations, sports reputations… also tend to have significant minorities who do stuff your son does and don’t care what the rest of the people do. Wisconsin also has its party reputation but it works quite well for a diverse population of student types plus has excellent academics.
D is not into drinking. Even spending a semester in Greece, where she was legal to drink - she very seldom did. She prefers suitemates who don’t drink - she can’t stand seeing people falling down drunk or worse throwing up.
There are many kids at her school who have fake IDs and go to the bars every weekend. She mentions that it’s not uncommon to have ambulances called for students who drink too much. However, she’s found a large contingent of friends who are more interested in sports, working out at the fitness center, going to movies or ball games, watching Dr. Who or Downton Abbey, or any number of other pursuits.
I wouldn’t worry so much about it. I agree with the idea that it might be better at a big school where there are more kids, and therefore more non-drinkers.
My school had tons of parties, but two of my best friends hardly drank at all. I had other friends who drank like fish.
Do you think he’d feel comfortable at a Christian college? What about the substance free dorms? Those sound good.
My neighbor’s kid was turned off by Lehigh and Bucknell because of the drinking cultures there. He took both of them off his list after visiting. He ended up at a State school. On his overnight with a student at the State school, the host kid asked my neighbor if he wanted to go to his prayer group, or religious group of some sort, and my neighbor was sold. At 18, I would have run out of there screaming, but for him it was a perfect fit.
“When I asked him this afternoon to have another college talk, he suggested he just join the Army and put an end to all this talk.” If you think there’s heavy drinking on college campuses, oh boy, wait until you see military barracks…lots of testosterone & alcohol fueled shenanigans.
