When is a Compliment Not a Compliment?

I get dress codes for certain businesses, but an explicit item on an evaluation?! We already know that appearances unfortunately sway opinions about people having nothing to do with their appearance. I can see the wisdom in a lot of other countries (and many private schools) to require uniform for kids with standard haircuts.

For public schools, uniform and (especially) haircut requirements do need to be accommodating of students of varying cultural or religious norms. For example: Theology of hair: How many world religions see it as sacred part of identity - mlive.com

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In my work place calling someone Hog Girl would be extremely problematic😀

Could you have worn a lab coat over your nicer outfit?

Back in the dark ages my mother got described as a “ditzy blonde” in an inspection report at their first posting. (She was not blonde, and I don’t think she was ditzy.) She also had to get permission to work (she taught English to Thai students) and was required to attend a get together with the other wives once a month. I can’t even imagine.

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Fascinating thread. I think this shows how times and expectations have changed. I grew up in the South and worked there in my twenties. Back then I thought that giving compliments and noticing how someone dressed was part of being polite, including at work. It felt like a greeting ritual for women: I like your dress or I like how you did your hair today. There would be an exchange of compliments. Women were more likely to give compliments, including to men—I like that tie; is it new? You only said nice things, only noticed good things. I’m sure you could give compliments that were really criticisms, but that is not how it was supposed to work.

People my age still do it but younger people do seem taken aback by it. I recently complimented a fellow grad student on how nice she looked. We normally see each other in jeans and t shirts and she was dressed up for a presentation. She seemed more surprised than flattered.

Some things have NOT changed. Wolf whistles were not welcome then or now. I got my share decades ago and just hated it, especially at work. I am a pretty athletic looking woman and people did (and do!) comment on that, which I do not mind, maybe because my muscles come from hard work.

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My point was along the line of that principal’s archaic thinking. I wonder if she put on heels and pearls like June Cleaver whenever she cooked dinner or vacuumed the rug?

A friend of mine just posted this on facebook today and I immediately thought of this thread

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I never say anything about what a woman is wearing or how a woman looks other than my wife. Especially not at work. Times when I think about making a compliment but never going to do it. Not just today but even when I was younger. Don’t say anything about how guys look either.

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“You always look so nice in that dress.” Meant as, “Don’t you have anything else to wear???”

I’m from the South as well. :wink:

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You’re animal names - Hoggirl and Lizardly - are super sexy :slight_smile:

I love when Hoggirl does the woo pig sooie :slight_smile:

OK - i laugh at the topic -and i’m just being goofy based on what people have written in previous comments. it’s a great topic and we all have different limits is what I’m reading.

Dang - i wish someone would complement me!!!

But - i keep clear of all this. My income is too important.

What people forget in society - it’s not what you think is ok but what others you are speaking to think. Say the wrong thing to the wrong person - and you could lose your livelihood.

It’s crazy to read stories like you guys have mentioned from years ago. I know politicians used to (and maybe still do) rate the interns. Pharmaceutical companies would hire “hot” salespeople - like they didn’t have brains (or in most cases male parts)…yet we teach our kids to work hard and get an education.

Hopefully society has moved past all this stuff.

Bottom line - complimenting in the wrong place at the wrong time can have serious consequences.

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Exactly what I was thinking about. The compliment ritual could be subverted.

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I would never want a compliment on appearance from a guy at work (on any level)- and want it least of all from someone in a higher level role (male or female). There’s just no way to win on that. Particularly any compliment (such as the OP described) involving physical attributes “beautiful eyes” or “long legs” - omg - no, never. Stay away from my body in hugging or commentary, thank you. :slight_smile:

I’ve occasionally complimented the outfits or new hairstyles of people (female) whom I supervise - probably should not and am glad for this thread to remind me!

In my opinion, I think people are too sensitive about too many things. I try to say something nice to people at work, whether it is appearance or work. I think the problem we have at work place is not enough compliments are given. People are so uptight about everything. “Nice scarf you have on,” “I like your new hair style,” “nice suit,” or “You look very spiffy today. Are you interviewing?” could always get a good laugh out of people. I have seen people’s eyes light up or generally have a smile when a compliment is given. I wouldn’t be surprised if some of them never get compliments at home.
I compliment both men and women. I don’t see why I should discriminate.

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I hear you @oldfort. It does make life more cheerful.

But, there are downsides. When I’ve received compliments on physical appearance they’ve made me slightly question whether my work is being looked at objectively. And they are a bit of an intrusion into personal life (and what do you say, when it’s a supervisor? Nothing except make light of it so they don’t feel uncomfortable). I feel really fortunate to work in an environment where there’s a lot of sensitivity to this issue.

Could we all agree re: work compliments - there are categories? Maybe - compliments on quality of work - good! Compliments on attire - maybe ok, but be careful. Compliments on physical attributes (of any type) - a definite no?

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I guess I have never questioned about quality of my work because my jobs have always been very competitive. For me it is nice to be seen as a person rather than just as a worker sometimes.
I remember as a more junior person, I was always appreciative when my manager would ask me about my family or share some of their personal stories. Yes, sometimes they would say something about my appearance (not in a sexual way). I mentor some younger people now and sometimes I would give them advice about what to wear or not to wear.

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oldfort - I don’t really question the quality of my work either. :wink: It’s moreso that I would like the perception of others to be entirely professional, non-apperanced-based. That said this has not been a huge problem LOL!

I will say that guys today have it tougher than women in this realm. They are being expected to correct for centuries of socially-accepted objectification of women by being scrupulously correct in their interactions in this area (not necessarily a bad thing!). Women have more leeway w/other women I’d say. Then again, men statistically make more $ for the same jobs, so there’s that… :joy:

It will all even out eventually.

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While wolf whistles were never exactly welcome, I remember almost missing them on a visit to Italy when I was a bit older (and also with my husband) and they were noticeably absent.

Most of my career has been in a male dominated industry. I’ve witnessed and/or experienced many situations where male managers and coworkers engaged in sexist and discriminatory behavior toward female colleagues. Giving false compliments to make the women think they were friends was a favorite strategy and one of the most benign behaviors. Business isn’t a friendly competition but there are men (and some female managers) who would like you to think so. They’re often the ones who accuse the women who object to their comments of being “too sensitive” or “uptight.”

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I have experienced sexual harassment at work (fired because I wouldn’t have an affair with a manager, or consistently being called in for a 1:1 meeting with my manager at 5). At the same time, I am still not uptight about giving or receiving compliments about appearances. As a minority, woman, and now a person of certain age, I have experience my share of discrimination, but I have also received a lot of support from my managers/colleagues. There will always be jerks/idiots out there, and I don’t see why I need to change how I interact with people because of those people.
I spend most of my time with people at work. It would be hard to keep it all work and not personal. I think a lot of us have friends at work. How do you get to be friends if you are not personal sometimes.
I think most people know what’s appropriate and what’s not appropriate. At my age, I will call people out on it if I do not like their remarks.

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I think it is just a fine line. And we should all use our judgment. In one of my first jobs in the 90’s I worked in a “glamour” industry. And I was very poor. Low salary and I did not come from the moneyed background as a lot of my co-worker. My boss actually went to Ann Taylor and bought me clothes for my birthday. I still have some of them! It was meant well and received with appreciation. Oldfort-I think I read a story on here about you helping a job seeker with a new pair of shoes? (I’ve been lurking here for a long time.) Again-you use your judgment as to when you are helping a person or hurting a person, when a compliment is welcome or not.
But I do think it is tricky because some people have a harder time than others “reading a room” or understanding boundaries.

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