My wife and I work full time and are trying to plan our work schedules, vacation planning, etc around ours son’s BS schedule. We live in the western US and he is going to school in NE, so travel is not a quick or easy proposition. He starts this fall and one or both of us are currently planning on going for drop-off/registration and parents weekend. What about when he finishes each year? Does one of us need to help him move out? Do we need to be there at drop-off/registration in years to come? Are there other important dates/events that we need to plan on being there (whether the school requires or not)? We will of course be as supportive as possible, but we don’t want to show up when we aren’t needed (or wanted). Thanks in advance.
That’s a personal choice. From my own experience, which I’ve shared, skiparents came for move-in/move-out exactly twice - when I moved in as a freshman and when I moved out as a senior. Skibro was even less lucky - he only got the graduation move-out visit as I was expected to help with the freshman move-in. The other times, we were happy if they provided the cab fare to the airport and waved to us from the doorstep. 
Now to be fair, one or both did visit on other occasions, but those were the only moving occasions. Nor did I need them on the other occasions. At the end of the year, what I did not sell off or pack in luggage went into storage (which the school generally does not provide, so add that into expenses) until the fall. And other than to help haul stuff, once a kids has done move-in once, s/he knows what to do. Generally, and this will vary by school, upperclass move-in is simply going to your room, as class registration and other fun stuff happen in the Spring.
But again, different families have different wants/needs.
In our experience, parents are welcome pretty much any time, but those who are more frequently on campus (such as for sports events) are those who are in-state or within a couple hours’ drive. Both of you being there for registration the first year is nice, and it’s helpful to have plenty of hands. Otherwise, keep an eye out for a parents weekend in the fall and some kind of spring family/reunion weekend. On those weekends, the school will plan special events geared toward parents and probably teacher conferences (for us this was on fall parents weekend). It’s nice to meet other parents to feel more connected to the community. At DS’s school, many parents came to parents weekend, including his roommate’s parents from out west, and many overseas parents of kids on his fall team. Also, when there are short breaks (such as a long weekend or Easter (if it’s not during spring break), sometimes parents from farther away come and take their kid on a local getaway for a few days, such as NYC or Boston. Personally, I am not planning on helping DS move out; that will be my husband’s responsibility (not as much fun as move-in). Otherwise, you can plan around your and his schedule if you want to make a few visits a year. My sense is that kids welcome visits and a chance to get off campus, have dinner out, etc., regardless of when.
Having 2 kids recently go through the process and successfully matriculate to college, I would say there are many kids like those from Asia who at age 14 can and do make their own way (once someone shows them once), from Asia to NYC and on to CT by way of planes, trains and ubers. Both boys and girls.
That said, the time goes by very fast. Why wouldn’t you want to be as much part of their lives as you can and show them some support in the process? With my first, I thought “like in the old days” you were supposed to drop them off, and only see them again at Christmas holiday. I thought it fostered independence. What I have since learned in the day of cell phones, is that 14 year olds are not fully baked. They aren’t adults. Although they may look like fledgling adults and many act independently, they’re not. They make bad choices. They feel stressed. And very soon, they will be adults on their own and not need or want you their parents around.
Our oldest who is graduating from college, went to Thailand with friends on spring break. Our youngest who is a sophomore in college, just told us she’s going to Turks and Caicos with friends. She has two jobs on campus and is paying for it herself. They don’t want their parents tagging along. This time with your high school student is precious. You are already letting a lot of it slip through your fingers by allowing them this opportunity. Don’t cheat yourself out of any more time with them. Go and learn something about their everyday life. Registration…Parents Weekend…Pick up…Move in-Move-out, it’s only a few times a year! Take advantage of getting to know what their life is like and the friends they make.
Congratulations on your son’s acceptance! My answer is based on our experience as BS parents living many hours away without a direct flight.
You don’t have to be there at drop-off, except that first year when you register and move him in.
You don’t have to be there at the end of any year for move out (he can ship and/or store his belongings).
I recommend that you attend the annual parents/family weekend in the fall if you are able to. It’s well worth it, and your son will appreciate having you there. There usually is a few days break after the event, so you can take him off campus to spend some time with him and maybe shop for winter clothes.
Most schools have a long weekend (3-4 days) in winter and spring. Kids who live far away can spend it on campus (there will be activities organized for them, or they can use the time to rest and relax), or they can stay with a friend living nearby. You could also choose to travel there if you want and take him off campus to spend a couple of days. However, that’s neither required nor expected.
That said, there are many parents living far away who haven’t visited until graduation. There is no shame in that. I’d say the standard is once a year for family weekend. If you can afford to visit a couple more times during the year (long weekend, an important game, etc.), that’s a bonus.
Some parents would take advantage of a work-related travel and drop in occasionally to say hi and take their child out to dinner or light shopping. The time may be tights if it’s a school night, but off-campus food is always appreciated, especially if you take along a few of their friends!
We did not accompany our sons home at the end of the school year, or the start of any year, besides freshman year.
We let them figure out how to store their junk and fly home on their own. All colleges provide pickup service and storage for a reasonable fee.
We also did not let them bring more than two suitcases filled with clothes etc! The less clothes the better, if your
son is flying to and from college. He can buy sheets, towels and almost anything he needs at the destination
and store it all there. We also saw no need to visit kids at their college and in fact kids find that very very annoying we find, especially in freshman year, let them settle. If things seem really dicy then maybe provide in person support, but most of the time kids will adjust better with less interference, unless some big health or emotional issue crops up. It can be tricky to assess, but Skyping will help.
We do send care packages regularly, which seems to suit our kids better than needing to babysit us on a visit to their campus. We did figure out that the regular family weekend visits do offer huge discounts on hotels and other times will often be more expensive to visit.
We did visit for special occasions like a concert in Severence hall or Phi Beta Kappa initiation and of course graduation. It was fun to see a new part of the country, but don’t count on your kids to tour you around, find things to do in their college town or city, on your own. Its nice to meet their friends, but let them make some first, so freshman year can be too early to visit, for most kids. Some need to see mom and dad but most do not.
Another decision to make is fly home for Thanksgiving or let child figure it out. It may depend on your travel budget and the amount of Thanksgiving days off at the particular college. One child found friends every single Thanksgiving, and the other has come home for that break.
One other thing to know is that many (not all) of the “away” parents don’t realize how competitive college matriculation can be. Those who were most disappointed in where their kids ended up, weren’t involved and didn’t see the day to day talent,hadn’t met their kids’ friends, didn’t attend the info sessions with college counselors to get prepped on the process to lower expectations. And many take it out on their student. Just be aware, the more you’re in the know, the more you can support your student.
@Coloradomama this thread is for parents of boarding school kids, so there may be a greater expectation of parent involvement.
^^and need of support to 13 - 18 year olds.
@Altras as a long-distance parent, I found that the first move-in day and the Fall parents weekends to be a good use of my time. You will meet other parents, teachers, your kids’ friends, and just gather more “on the ground” information. After that first year I didn’t attend move-in or move-out. In a way, I think it’s easier on families who live far away, because they have to be organized with transportation, suitcases, shipping, storage etc. When you have a whole car to fill and a parent driving it, there is less incentive to edit and purge 
Cate also has spring parents weekends, and although I went to those, not every parent did. Families came when they could, and that was enough.
Thanks all…very helpful. We want to strike that balance of being supportive, but not overbearing. We’ll also play it by ear and see how he reacts to the whole BS experience.
Reminds me of when we asked an AO how often parents communicated with the dorm parents. He said he’d had some parents call at least once a week to ask about specific assignments, quizzes, etc. and he’d had others show up for registration and tell him not to call unless the school was burning down.
^^ Ha! I love that answer from the AO! I am totally the parent that will tell the dorm parent to not call unless the school is burning down!
Fall parents weekend is most important so you can have the parent teacher conference with each teacher plus the advisors. I would never miss that each year. The rest is what you are comfortable with and what your kid can handle and what u can afford (storage, buying new stuff every year, etc). If you are there for move out and move in, you can fly Southwest and bring 6 suitcases between the 3 of you. If you are interested in bargain shopping at home and hauling the stuff back and forth.
And to clarify, we are a 3 hour drive from my kid’s upcoming BS, so we’re pretty much on the hook for going out there for every move in and move out day. We’ll be going for parents weekend in the Fall, and will probably bring him home for at least some of the long weekends. Other than that, we don’t plan to visit on weekends or try to get to weekend sporting events. We still have a younger son at home and busy lives to keep up with.
I have done it both ways with two kids many years apart. First one I dropped off and next appeared at graduation. Finances and other family obligations precluded anything more.
Second one I did two dropoffs, one (maybe two) pickups, and two parent/family weekends most years. I skipped the family weekend spring of senior year as graduation was shortly after. I wasn’t originally planning to go so much as it was expensive and takes at least two flights to get there, not to mention time from work. But I became a convert to the idea/realization that BS students will soon leave the nest altogether and may continue to reside far away, so savor whatever time with them that is doable and acceptable to all parties.
Many BS will have a summer storage company come on campus, provide boxes, pick them up a few days later, and redeliver in the fall.
It did help that my second child had an aunt and uncle about 4 hours away who came to campus a few times and once or twice picked her up at the airport. My first child didn’t have that luxury and he still did OK. Once or more, he took a bus or train about 8 hours to have Thanksgiving with extended family. Other times he went home with his best friend who lived very close.
So you’ve met skiparents. =))
I understand the limitations living on one coast and having student on the other coast. I do I do. I have two students in college on the opposite coast right now. But that said, it’s interesting that we often here wonder why those parents “not in the know” come up to us and say “What did little Johnny do wrong that you’re shipping him off to boarding school?” when the questions are phrased like << Does one of us NEED to help him move out? Do we NEED to be there at drop-off/registration in years to come?>> Question no more.
I’m not trying to diss the OP, but I think the phrase of a concerned parent is better phrased, “How can we help him move out when we are so far away?” “How do we support his registering for classes or moving in when we can’t be there always in person, or should we?”
I was lucky because I was still within a 2 hour one way driving distance. If my student forgot something at home like her childhood blankey, I was prepared to go up and back in the same day. I was lucky enough to call and take my student out for dinner when she didn’t do as well as she wanted on her first honors physics test as a freshman, and cheer her on when she made her first goal in field hockey against the archrival team and to bring the beloved family dog over for a visit when they were both missing each other. Far-away parents aren’t as lucky but I think the question isn’t so much do they really need me? As… they really need my support, so how I can give it so far away?
Way back, Exeter used to share a story about a girl whose parents used to read the Exonian online every week and the parents and student would discuss what was happenin’ at the school. Maybe its a different thread, but “how do I support my student from so far away” seems to be more on point, than how much am I really needed in the life of my high school student?
No offense taken, but my intention was to get a sense of what forum parents personally viewed as “needed” or “wanted” time on site…which is only one form of “support.” Like many parents, we will need to lean on our work partners to cover our absence, so it’s very helpful to read the thoughts and experiences of those who have tread this path before us…and to read the experience of former BS students.
BTW…by “vacation planning”, I did not mean my wife and I sipping drinks in Bora Bora. I meant coordinating us and his sibling meeting him in NE for long weekends and such, as others have suggested.
I think I said something like, “I only need to know if there’s blood.”
We live in the SW. We did four drop-offs, one Grandparents Weekend, three Parents Weekends, and three College Counseling weekends because we were on the Parent Advisory Council and they scheduled meetings during those events. We missed each of the spring PAC meetings because they didn’t coincide with events. ChoatieKid just pretended we weren’t there. The only move out we did was graduation and that was just a drive-by pickup from the steps of Mem House. I do wish we’d been able to attend more crew races and the winter Lessons and Carols program.
As for need vs. want, kids differ. Our son didn’t “need” us at all. If he “wanted” us, he’d call. Same for college.