When parents refuse to pay anything

Parent Cafe
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<p>1st; Opie ISN’T the rudest person on this forum. I am. LOL!!!</p>

<p>2nd; Advice to parents and kids. If, and I EMPHASIZE IF, a parent is going to contribute to a child’s college expenses, (totally their decision), then be able to state emphatically the limit. I.e. “I will pay UP to $15,000 a year for your college. If you want to go to a school that costs more, or you need more, that is up to you”.</p>

<p>If the child is worth a darn, they will do everything in their power to not have the parent pay anything. The will do work study, apply for scholarships, look for less expensive schools, etc… The child NEVER gets to dictate how much the parent “SHOULD” contribute. And the child NEVER gets to determine if the parent can afford it, can afford more, has the means, or ANY OTHER FINANCIAL matter concerning the parents. As the child, you already OWE your parents more than you will ever repay. As parents, out of love, we have released you of such a debt. That doesn’t mean that because we don’t expect repayment that you are free to dictate terms, limits, or accrue more debt on OUR behalf. </p>

<p>If, I repeat, If as parents we decide to “GIVE” you assistance for college, down payment on a house, buy you a car, etc… then appreciate it as a gift. “That 19” TV is too small. Why didn’t you buy me a bigger one"? “That car is too slow. Why couldn’t you get me the pickup”? “That’s only enough money for “State U”, I want to go to Harvard”. B.S. !!!</p>

<p>If you disagree with this philosophy, then in my opinion you are a selfish brat. If you were my kid, I would say; “Fine, you don’t like it, you get nothing. You are on your own”. If you do agree with what I’ve said, then you are indeed an appreciative young individual who is worthy. If on the other hand, a parent chooses NOT to assist at all, then that is their choice. You don’t have to respect that, or them. Move out and do it all for yourself.</p>

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<p>MLEVINE - if you have enough free time to spend alot of it on this board (which it seems that you do) - then you have more than enough time for a part-time job - that would certainly help your financial situation :D</p>

<p>AAAAaaaa the opinions of a sweet child <smirk> - on having children - or NOT… the line has been crossed - at least until MLE has their own and can come back here and regale us with his life’s story and success - me thinks words will be eaten - crow crow crow :D</smirk></p>

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<p>The educational world these kids face is so completely different from that of 40 years ago, that any comparisons are almost meaningless. If you have to “hook” your parents into helping you, then sorry to say, your parents are, shall we say, “simple”(kind of like the character played by Ron Howard on the Andy Griffith show, have heard him read the Christmas story to kids in town, great guy). The math has gotten out of whack. Everyone knows that they have to go to college, but, the government knows that they don’t need all those college grads to fill the largest employment growth sector, which is low paying service jobs. Because of the 14th amendment they can’t tell you that in public school, so you learn it when you try to go to college. Tuition cost are up something like 300% in the past 9 years (wages sure are not), reduced student loans with higher interest, etc. I commented that there is also increased competition for jobs with grads of foreign colleges where the delivery cost is much lower, and someone responded they don’t see that competition, and they are right, there is no competition they won and the jobs are off-shore. Look at what Harvard is doing, if you are smart enough, you can get the best education in the world for free. It is not a level playing field, and it is not your local high school where they teach to the federal mandate, which is a C for all (if you can do better that’s ok but the resources are directed at an equal education for all, little money for tags or ap programs). It is a hard time to be a kid going to college. Much harder that we had it.</p>

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<p>I do have a part time job at school. I go on the board when I do my homework, because my homework is generally easy. I have to multi-task to get things done…I know, weird.</p>

<p>Right now I’m on CC, studying for my Chem test next week, listening to music, and talking on AIM. If I cut one out, I wouldn’t be able to concentrate.</p>

385

<p>“Most people I know didn’t have help from their parents choosing colleges. I guess your plan only works if they plan on helping you pick. Mine didn’t.”</p>

<p>Mle, are you really reading my posts? </p>

<p>Did I say “give” it to your parents? didn’t I say leave it out? hello? stop being mad at me and think.. my plan is for when they aren’t helping you as you and others have stated… c’mon. think for a few seconds before you reply… reread my previous post… your “fishing” kid… fishing for parent involvement, just exactly what you said you and others weren’t getting.. </p>

<p>the exercise is not about a 2k difference between schools, it’s about hooking mommy into talking to you about choices. the spreadsheet is bait.</p>

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<p>OOO good lord MLE - get a grip - jeepers - you can rationalize all you want - or make any excuse in the book apply to yourself - but there is soooo much more you could be doing for yourself - ahem - without the bashing and crashing on other adults (seeing as you have SOOOO much experience as an adult - ahemmmmm) - who have kids and have made choices that you think rot.</p>

<p>Good luck in your future endeavors - you may need it :D</p>

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<p>CC… you just officially became 1 of us (parents) aka 1 of them (parents).
I am going to try to back out of here because it is a futile exercise in what we are doing. Can’t promise, b/c I know I might seem something that will make me want to reply.</p>

<p>When I decided to get pregnant with all of my children it was planned. We did put away funds for them starting at birth. My H and I decided to have children out of love, I feel that some people are accusing me of being selfish for creating life in a loving environment without thinking about what I should financially give them. I am proud of my kids…and to certain posters I do not want to hear that I am bragging…they are mature young adults who are invested in our family. That’s the real point each and everyone has family, it is how you interact with them. For those who have bad sit. I am truly sorry, I was 1 of you, but I moved on and made a good 1 for myself. </p>

<p>In the end of the day, no college, no job and very few friends will be crying over your grave after you are gone 5 years. Only family will be.</p>

<p>That’s my last rant on this. If I insulted you my apology, but would I hope you will do during this holiday season is to remember family and that 20 yrs from now you will either forget this or be a better person for surviving it</p>

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<p>Let’s give Opie the obnoxious award; let’s also award him the ‘had it hardest’ award; maybe he’ll stop his obnoxious, overly-long posts.</p>

<p>People seem to forget that a major part of ML’s problem is that the parents are dictating which colleges to attend without paying. That’s just wrong. Good luck, ML.</p>

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<p>windy? </p>

<p>I guess they should just give up then as you’ve so beautifully put theres absolutely no hope.. maybe the next step should be a logan’s run senario? :slight_smile: or soylent green? </p>

<p>thanks by the way for the nice knock, I’m sure as I deeply think about it, it will leave a mark.</p>

390

<p>OK that lasted 2 seconds. Everyone knock off the obnoxious award. You don’t get along fine, but to insult is against the board rules.</p>

<p>By lowering yourself to that level makes you no better.</p>

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<p>Opie, when I applied to schools I simply left out the list of schools I had applied to so my mom would know. The most involvment she had was when she forced me to go on a tour of Hampshire with her, and then told me I couldn’t go there because she said it looked ugly. Not all parents want to be involved in college applications.</p>

<p>JeepMOM, don’t accused me of not doing more for myself. I saved up money for college. I spend my friday evenings do lab experiements when everyone else is going out. Instead of seeing my friends this break, I’m working 40 hours a week to make sure I can take out a smaller loan next year. I stay in my room every night to study so I can get my grades up for possible merit aid and I even did all the extra credit possible.</p>

<p>Age does not always equal knowledge. The best advice I got was from some kids here at Bard who are also paying for themselves. Even financial aid helped me more than most of the posts here, telling me which of the college’s scholarships I could get and allowing me to apply for them even though they don’t usually let kids who are already attending apply for them.</p>

<p>I already decided if I can’t get more money, I might just go to community college for my sophomore/junior year and then transfer back to Bard. This way I save money, but can possibly still live in my house. I haven’t nearly as lazy as you assume.</p>

<p>Also, notice a great deal of my posting is at night. I don’t spend all day here, except if I’m doing work on my computer.</p>

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<p>“Let’s give Opie the obnoxious award; let’s also award him the ‘had it hardest’ award; maybe he’ll stop his obnoxious, overly-long posts.”</p>

<p>and you are being forced to read them by whom? are terrorists forcing you to read my stuff? just skip em. not hard at all. </p>

<p>“People seem to forget that a major part of ML’s problem is that the parents are dictating which colleges to attend without paying. That’s just wrong.”</p>

<p>No nobody’s forgot that at all. Everybody’s pretty much said then dyi. which is being rejected. aw well, then you self created problem don’t you? </p>

<p>If somebody’s telling you what to do without a “dog in the hunt” or “skin in the game” and you continue to follow, when you don’t have to… is it their problem or yours? </p>

<p>Why does that not make sense to you? why do you read my posts when you don’t have to? is that my problem or yours? </p>

<p>There are op ed pieces in the paper I skip because of the author adds nothing to me. Can’t you do the same about me?</p>

393

<p>No, don’t give up. Change it. Participation in groups like PTA is at an all time low. We spend countless billions bombing people back into the stone age (yeez they were barely out of it to begin with), hedgefund managers get tax advantaged 100 million dollar paydays, Britney gets millions for not wearing underwear (horrible mental picture), 25 million a year to not hit a baseball 70% of the time it is pitched to you. Change it, don’t just blame the kids.</p>

394

<p>“The most involvment she had was when she forced me to go on a tour of Hampshire with her, and then told me I couldn’t go there because she said it looked ugly”</p>

<p>mel, there may simply be a mother daugther dynamic here that no one can answer for you… outside of advising you to move on without mom… My D has several friends that found college to be an escape from home… they don’t come home, they look for work out of their hometown and basically leave home… maybe that’s going to be your situation.. </p>

<p>It took my mil years to be nice to her daugther (my wife), I couldn’t believe how she treated her. So we simply limited our time in those situations. No point in being around somebody who beats you up with words. It really hurt my wife for years, she actually became closer to my mom, than hers. </p>

<p>It really wasn’t until my wife was in her 40’s that her mom started treating her right and we then found alittle more time socializing…</p>

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<p>“Change it, don’t just blame the kids.”</p>

<p>nobody is blaming the “kids”.</p>

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<p>Opie, I’m a guy. Just so you know.</p>

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<p>“Opie, I’m a guy. Just so you know.”</p>

<p>sorry my bad… but honestly it still applies.. you may just have one of those relationships with your folks that isn’t that great or as great as you want it to be. </p>

<p>the other thing as I read what you are doing, good job.. you’re trying. Will you get the full meal deal at school? no, it honestly doesn’t look like you will.
Your making sacrifices to get somewhere, that’s great, encouraging… but it is also probably how you are going to have to go about it to get what you want. It’s your situation. While it’s great just to study and hang out at school, go to games, play halo, etc.. it just doesn’t sound like that’s workable for you. sorry.</p>

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<p>I can’t think of anything that would make me happier to buy than my kids’ college education.</p>

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<p>I think most parents would happily pay for their kids’ education if they (the parents) had the resources - - especially if kids are willing to attend local or state U instead of a pvt LAC/uni. </p>

<p>But most of us don’t have unlimited resources, so money spent on college is not available for other things. And a lot of kids want to attend the “best” school to which they are admitted.</p>

<p>Should parents give until it hurts – and precisely how much financial pain “should” a parents endure for their child’s college educat? That up to the individual parents.</p>

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<p>I guess my wife and I are in the camp of “we’ll happily pay for our kids’ education,” although we are also in the camp of those parents who do not have unlimited resources. We have told our daughter that if she works as hard as she can on her academics, gets good grades, is a model high school citizen and helps by actively searching out scholarship opportunities, we will do everything we can to help pay for the best college she can gain admission to. She has also been told that maybe even with all that we may not be able to afford her first choice so she’d better think hard about her second and third choices. </p>

<p>What we refuse to pay for are: cars, designer wardrobes, annual trips to Disney World, xboxes and electronic games, limousine rides to the prom, summer “experiences” and all of the other crap that her friends’ parents have taken out a fourth mortgage to pay for. Surprisingly, she has grown up to be a remarkably poised, self-reliant and capable young woman. Our reputation among our peers, of course, is in tatters.</p>