When planners/organized folks are friends with those who aren’t

Parents Forum Parent Cafe
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I am a person who is organized and likes a plan. I have a friend who is absolutely not this way at all. Some examples of this include being stuck on an interstate in traffic with her where we almost ran out of gas because she forgot to fill her tank before we left (she didn’t even notice the indicator said we had a range of 25 miles when we were going 45 until I pointed it out), shopping for a tailgate with her the day of a football game where her mile-long list included paper goods, chips, and drinks which could have been purchased well in advance, and baking brownies with her at 9:30 at night because she forgot she needed to take them somewhere for the next day.

Last Sunday, friend said she and her dh wanted to get together sometime with me and my dh, “this weekend.” Great except I have heard nothing, and now it is Thursday.

I am a person who plans out our meals a week in advance with one trip to the grocery store. I put off going yesterday because I had not heard from friend. I absolutely have to go today, but her lack of communication is such that I have no idea when we will get together, if that will involve a meal, if I will need to bring something, if we will go out, etc.

I love this person dearly, and there is no doubt she is good for me given my lack of spontaneity. However, it can be irksome because she often gives me a hard time/teases me about my need for a plan.

She is the one who suggested we get together this weekend, but now I guess I have to text and ask what we are doing.

I’m not sure there is a specific question here - just sort of venting about this long-going pattern. I don’t think it would bug me nearly as much if she didn’t tease me about how much I DO plan.

In what ways have you bridged the gap between the planners and non-planners in your life? Which category do you fall into?

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I hear you!

I must say that I have learned to treat all tentative suggestions as if they weren’t mentioned, and plan accordingly. I do not like feeling ‘needy’ when I am always the one following up on others’ suggestions. I am happy to coordinate something that I initiate.
Last week was my birthday and a friend mentioned she wanted to take me to lunch this week. I gave her my availability. Now, crickets.
Other definitive opportunities came up, and they have made it to my calendar. If the first friend reaches out, my availability has changed.

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I’m a planner, too, and one of my closest friends is…highly disorganized. She will agree to a plan or even initiate one on her own, but often changes her mind last minute, or gets distracted and never gets done what she says she is going to, in advance.

How I handle it is depending on the situation, I either do one of two things:

Sometimes I go into the “plan” with the understanding that things may very well change at the last minute, and I have a plan for that ;). In your example, I would go ahead and grocery shop and have something easy to pull together super last-minute for one of the weekend nights. If you end up hosting or doing a potluck, prepare that. If you end up not getting together, plan to prepare that anyway and eat it on your own.

Sometimes I decide to the plan is super important to me or I’m not willing to be flexible on changes right at the outset, and I communicate that, e.g., “I’d like to get together for dinner Saturday. Why don’t we meet at x at this time?” and if the person dithers, I then say, “If that doesn’t work for you, why don’t we take a rain check and get together a different weekend.”

We often vacation with my SIL and her family. We are the kind of people who like to plan out what we’re doing for the day and get to it. They are the type who wake up late, then have to think about what they might like to do for a couple of hours, then take another hour or two to pull themselves together and try to get out the door. We learned early on the best way to enjoy a vacation with them was to say on any given evening, “Tomorrow we going to do x. We’re going to leave at y time. If you feel like joining, we’d love to have you. Otherwise, let’s meet up afterwards for dinner.” More often than not, they would be up and ready to join us, and if they weren’t, there was no guilt in just going and doing what we wanted.

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YES! So much this. I no longer “hold dates” for things, if other opportunities arise, unless there is a firm commitment on the other end.

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I’m a planner too. And also have friends who are very much not.

I’m with @mominva that unless we have a set day/time, I act like it’s not a thing. If it suddenly becomes a thing at the last minute and now doesn’t work for me, I’m absolutely fine saying “so sorry but since I didn’t hear from you we made other plans.”

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I didn’t think I was a “planner”, but reading through these posts, I guess I am. Half and half.
I think the difference is that I tend to hold most “upcoming things” in my head.
I rely, a LOT on text confirmations. When they don’t happen, I’m usually not available.
If a friend says, “let’s get together”, I say, “let me check the calendars and I’ll text you today”. Most of my family and friends know that I have children who are “temporarily” roosting at home.
If the friend says, “I thought we made plans” I then I respond with, “I texted you several times and when I didn’t hear from you, I assumed that something came up.” I tend to follow up with, “Hey, let’s reschedule now, and do something fun and different!”

Have I lost friends over this? Yes.

But true friends have told me “if they’re really your friend, then they will understand”.

I have a scatterbrained sister-in-law, who I now believe, has some special needs issues with time management. She’s kept my brother waiting for six hours or more and then wonders why he’s not around when she is finally ready.

She gets really upset if my calendar isn’t opened to her for the full day and night. She’s asked me to teach her how to cook/bake certain items then she doesn’t show up. If she does show up, it’s at 10 or 11 at night.

Then I have to tell her,
“Helen, we’re all going to sleep right now; you know we’re early risers.”

She will respond, “But it’s really not that late!”
and I will respond,
“But it is for me and my family.”
If she pushes it with this argument-and believe me, she has,
I have said,
“Do you really want me to teach you in my sleepy condition? We may miss an ingredient or burn something. You’re coming to me to teach you, and I want you to do it right. If I am really tired and sleepy it’s not gonna turn out right.”

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I have several friends like this and it makes me nuts.

We have one couple whom we adore but they cannot. plan. in. advance. If we invite them for dinner a week or two in advance, they refuse to commit. We have to invite them – and they only invite us – on the day of. It makes me crazy, because I really like the “looking forward” part too!

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That’s just off, IMO. Wanting to start an activity at 10:00 or 11:00 at night? Then arguing that that time is reasonable?

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I don’t understand the refusing to commit part. Are they hoping they get a better offer in the interim?

I do have one friend who will make plans but then frequently cancels them if she finds something more interesting to do. That is probably worse, but she has been that way since high school.

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I had a friend like that - past tense being the operative word here. She would often cancel on me when other things came up, often those other things were just a different invitation. This would often happen after I had turned down other opportunities in order to keep our plans.

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I think there are a lot of people with undiagnosed ADD. Or executive function disorders

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Big pet peeve about people who chronically make plans then cancel, often at the last minute. I have also dropped “friends” like that.

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that would make me nuts, too. I wonder if there’s some undisclosed physical or mental illness there such that they never know until day of if they’re going to be “up” for whatever has been planned.

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OP just described my marriage! LOL

Planners and non-planners can get along well. But each person must recognize the limitations of their own personality, and the value of the other’s personality. Neither person will, or even should, change.

What bothers me is that the friend is criticizing OP for her personality. I would suggest a lighthearted, but firm ribbing…something like, “We never would have done X if it weren’t for my planning.”

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I have to agree with @deb922 . It may be that it takes so much mental effort to keep other parts of her life “organized” (her home or her job or her family’s health needs - whatever) that she just can’t keep on top of the social organization - or needs to not worry about that component to save her energy for more important things.

We all think we know our friends/family members top to bottom, but maybe we don’t. If she is pleasant about the reminder to get gas or be reminded of a get together maybe that is a way you can help her out.

That said, it’s also ok to reach out and double check on things like a temporary planned get together.

There are some things I’m super organized on. And some things I’m not. I’m not SuperWoman. I have a fair amount on my plate and while I’d love to have all my ducks in a row and every “t” crossed and “I” dotted, I don’t.

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Idk. While I appreciate the support, I think that might come across as, “I’m better than you because I can make and execute a plan.” Lol. I am an only, and she often claims she needles me so I will know what it is like to have a sister.

We do balance each other out, and we know neither one of us is going to change.

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I agree with @DeeCee36 and @deb922. There must be something with an executive function issue or a mental issue with some of these people.

Helen (my SIL) doesn’t “work” per se, and so she doesn’t keep a “schedule”. I also don’t “work” anymore but I keep my “work” schedule hours. Thirty+ year habits are hard to break.
(My brother had previously mentioned to Helen that he loved my cooking, so she wanted to learn his favorites so that she could surprise him.)

It got to be a weird joke in the house when we heard a doorbell at 10pm in the middle of the week. The kids would say, “Mom, we think it’s Aunt Helen”.

I kept telling my brother that it was too dangerous for his wife to want to be out that late at night, and to work with her on being considerate. He agreed but was frustrated. He often didn’t know she was headed to my house! He tried over and over again, so we all realized that there must have been some kind of circadian issue or a disorder.

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My soon to be ex sister in law keeps people waiting, is habitually late, cancels plans at the last minute and a host of other behaviors.

I’ve been on vacation with her when she’s made dinner plans with one couple while simultaneously promising her kid that she would do something for them AT THE EXACT SAME TIME. It’s frustrating, maddening and nerve racking all at the same time.

We once made plans to meet in the middle for dinner an hour away for both of us. We left and went to the restaurant, they didn’t leave their house until we were already at the restaurant. The excuse, she got a new bike and went for a bike ride! We were paying a sitter for this pleasure. That was a one and done.

I do think that she has some executive function problems but I also think she lacks empathy for what people go through when she does these things. She also has some obsessive compulsive issues.

She would invite us to her vacation home as she was pulling out of the driveway to go there. And was mad when we communicated that we needed some advanced notice.

I will not miss this at all. Now that she’s out of the picture, my bil is a pleasure to deal with. He’s on time and is communicative.

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All of us can be disorganized, forgetful, or inconsiderate occasionally, and that’s OK. However, I feel those whose chronic disorganization interferes with the relationship (always late, breaks commitments, causes avoidable unpleasant incidences, leaves you hanging, doesn’t hold up their end of a bargain–all because, you know, “So sorry, silly me, I can be so disorganized/forgetful/ditzy…you forgive me?”) are too toxic to keep in my friend circle, and I have let several of those “friendships” go.

Unfortunately, DH’s family has taken disorganization to an art. Early in our marriage, I just opted out of being with them or relying on them for anything. We don’t stay in any of their homes, and we always make sure we have our own transportation whenever we do anything that includes them, mostly so we are free to leave the avoidable chaos that reliably ensues.

I give a lot of credit to those of you who can roll with these punches and cherish a friendship above the repeated inconsiderations. I cannot.

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I am one of these people. I do not give up people easily in my life. While I am more of a planner and I am definitely a commitment person. I have family and friends who are not but I value family friends and family too much to let that go by the wayside due to a difference in personality. Besides, I’m sure I have my flaws that drive them crazy so it all equals out LOL.

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