I have a group of six childhood friends (one of whom I’ve known since I was three!) who get together twice a year or so. Some of them are still working, and one lives out of state (I’m the only one who has moved an hour away from our hometown). If I’m hosting a get together, I generally throw out a few dates at least six weeks out to see about everyone’s availability. One of the women will always respond with “I don’t have anything on that date so far…”
So put it on your calendar! She’s waiting for something better to come along! We’ve learned to continue on without her if she bails on us later.
My current job imposes itself on my life in a very unpredictable way, so I have become much more reluctant to make plans. I don’t want to break them! So now, I find myself doing things waay more last minute, if serendipity allows!
But the reality is that if I made plans, with the understanding that I might have to cancel, I d get to do at least half those things that I decline. I think my friends might actually appreciate getting to do things 50% of the time.
I do think some of this is about communication, expectations, etc.
“I absolutely plan to join you and want to be there. However, you know my job precludes certainty on my social outings. So, while I will do my very best to be there, I might have to bale on you at the last minute.”
That is very different than waiting for a better offer to come along.
Related to this concept…
My step-daughter and her BF are invited to our place for Christmas. I told her I’d really like to know if he’s coming by Dec 1. I still do stockings for the “kids” (she’s almost 30, he’s 28 or 29), but if he’s not even here I will do less for his stocking, plus we have to figure out sleeping arrangements, food or restaurant options, etc. Her response was “you know that’s not how he rolls.” (Meaning he won’t make a decision til last minute). She said she will definitely be here this year.
Last year (bc of COVID) we didn’t overlap kids being home. Since my son came Thanksgiving, we gave her first right of refusal for Christmas.
At the last minute, she decided she wasn’t coming, bc he wouldn’t come (“doesn’t want to leave the cat alone”), and she didn’t want to leave him alone on Christmas. She came a couple days later, but I was kind of miffed, because my son and his GF would have come to our place if they told us earlier.
“You know that’s not how he rolls” – Tell her too bad, that’s how you roll. He’s been invited to your house for a major holiday. He can either accept or decline the invitation, but he needs to do one of them by your deadline. Tell your daughter that if you don’t hear by December 1, you will assume he’s not coming and make plans accordingly. For you, that means no stocking, you’ll put your D in the bedroom with the single bed, and you’ll be light on food. If they want to share their Christmas dinner, they’re welcome to do so.
This will make your daughter uncomfortable. So be it. Better she should be uncomfortable now, while they’re still BF and GF, than if this happens five years and two kids into their marriage.
I’m in a cranky mood. I’m tired of unorganized people who want us to accept their disorganization.
Okay - so I want to know if this would be an issue for the planners. I put myself in this category, but this would not bother me, but maybe I am biased.
We are traveling out of state to MIL’s for Thanksgiving. Ds is joining us there as well. We are on opposite coasts and mil is in flyover country. Ds is flying into the area where he grew up (his hometown) tomorrow and then renting a car and driving down to mil’s - same state, different town. It’s about a 3 hour drive. He is uncertain if he will come to mil’s on Wednesday night or Thursday morning as it depends on when certain friends arrive at his growing up town.
This is no big deal to me. Ds knows what time we eat on Thanksgiving Day. He is not a tardy person at all and will be there in plenty of time. We are taking MIL out to dinner on Wednesday night after we arrive, so she doesn’t need to worry about meal prep for us or him on Wednesday. He knows if he does arrive on time to go out with us Wednesday night, he’ll have to eat PB&J/fend for himself. Yet mil keeps FRETTING about this. “Has dear grandson made a decision about whether he is coming Wednesday night or Thursday morning?” Keeps asking me!! I just keep saying that it isn’t really a, “decision,” - he’s trying to be flexible so he can maximize the number of high school friends he sees in case some don’t get into town until Wednesday night. I don’t see any way that this impacts her. He is already staying with her a few extra days after we leave, so it’s not like he is only going to be there one night if he waits until Thursday. Anyway, I finally told her if it were important for her to know this she should contact ds directly herself. The fact that planners also seem to be in charge of communications is probably fodder for a different thread.
This is why we always organize our trips to see MIL with the sibling who lives nearby, and not with MIL. MIL isn’t very flexible and also needs to be in control of the arrival times, meals, etc. It just wasn’t working.
So we make the plans with the sibling and then we are the surprise guests. It’s just easier for everyone that way.
I’d just tell MIL to plan to see grandson on Thursday and if he comes on Weds it will be a happy surprise.
Or if that seems like that would freak her out too much, tell her to plan for Weds and know that he might not be able to make it until Thurs. She might be worried about sleeping arrangements?
I am in the flexible planner camp. My sister has invited us up for after Christmas and I am trying to figure out what to do about that. Both my kids are working retail jobs right now and their work schedules are subject to change. If we go, we’ll plan to get a hotel, but it’s just hard to know what the kids’ availability will be.
In 1214mom’s example of not knowing if the BF was coming or not, that wouldn’t really bother me I don’t think. I’d just plan as if everyone was coming and then if he can’t, he can’t. I wouldn’t do less for his stocking or anything. Not understanding the nuances of non-overlapping kids, but maybe they don’t get along?
That can be a weird family dynamic. We have one niece who is estranged from her mom. The mom is a piece of work, so understandable. My kids barely know her (my husband’s brother’s wife/ex-wife/it’s complicated). So niece won’t come anywhere her mom is invited, but she has a good relationship with her dad and sibs and grandmother and everyone else. Makes for some weirdness where sometimes Grandma has a get together at her condo but niece is invited, but not her mother.
I’m definitely a planner. No question about it. If I invited someone and they weren’t sure they could come for a legitimate reason (might have to work late, etc.), I’d be OK with that uncertainty. It’s life, after all. What I’d simply do is plan for two eventualities – one if they come and one if they don’t. That might mean cooking different amounts, different seating or sleeping arrangements, and so forth, but I’d have two plans ready to go.
The sleeping arrangements are not an issue at all at mil’s.
Normally, dh’s sister is in charge, but her husband is having health issues, so we are gathering at mil’s this year to ease sil’s load.
I have to say that, as an only child who is the parent of an only child, the sibling issues are definitely things I do not understand the nuances of. Dh only has one sister.
We have dear friends with three adult children, and it is VERY important to them that all three of them (they are all married, too) are all together at their home for at least one of the holidays. It’s ironic, because when we were all young adults (I’ve been friends with these folks since the 6th grade), they complained mightily about how insistent their own parents were about having the flock all together at the same time. They can’t seem to see how they are acting in the exact same way that frustrated them when they were young adults/young parents. Everyone once a piece of everyone.
The big issue with @1214mom situation is that it’s her stepdaughter and not her daughter, which comes with it’s problems that are part of a blended family. I think that if it was her kid, she would be able to address things in a different way than when it involves your husband’s children
I think that some older people obsess about things that are out of their control. Things that you wouldn’t worry about when younger, you tend to get really fixed upon.
For instance, my daughter lives in a big city apartment complex. Her packages get stolen. Last week, someone took a 50 pound bag of dog food! So she’s said, don’t send me packages.
For some reason, this really bothers my mil. She went on a big rant today because she can’t send my daughter Harry and David’s. Mind you, she’s going to see her at Christmas. It will become something my mil will fixate on. I promise
The non-overlapping kids issue was because of COVID. We were trying hard to space things out and not have too many people staying in our house/having long meals together.
And as someone else implied, things become even more complicated when step-families are involved.
Your son wouldn’t be a problem for me.
The message I hear is “my official time with you starts by mealtime on Thanksgiving, and if I show up early I’m happy to eat peanut butter and jelly or whatever is around. Please don’t plan for me.”
Totally understandable.
We used to send more valuable deliveries to an Amazon locker when D lived in an apt where packages would disappear. Maybe your MIL can do that if your D has a locker nearby.