<p>Yeah, S2 always wants to do better than big brother.</p>
<p>One thing that helps us is that they play different sports. Each excels – or doesn’t – in different arenas, and that cuts down on comparisons. Also, for years, I thought of S1 as the math/science guy and S2 as the writer. Hmmmm. S2’s Duke TIP scores ruined that!</p>
<p>As a mother of two very different Ss, 5 years apart, I really appreciate this thread. </p>
<p>Everything has always come easily for S1, and he doesn’t even work too hard right now at U Chicago. I worry desperately about younger S2, just entering his freshman year of high school. S2 has serious learning disabilities, and will probably need to end up at a college that provides additional support from a structured learning disabilities program. </p>
<p>The interesting thing is that S2 regularly “does his best” and has good work habits, while S1 tends to coast on the strength of his abilities. I’d like to think that the personal challenges that S2’s LD issues pose for him have built a strength of character that hasn’t yet developed in S1. I hope that these characteristics will enable him to function well in the world. It’s not just about HYPS, and it’s not just about college (although it IS at this site). It’s about finding a satisfying and fulfilling place in life.</p>
<p>Given how different the two boys are, sibling rivalry is not an issue. However, my older S1 doesn’t seem to fully comprehend the extent of S2’s disabilities and sometimes counsels him inappropriately about academics. Given that they are close, this has been a problem at times. </p>
<p>Any words of wisdom from other parents who have dealt with sibling ability discrepancies that are this extreme?</p>
<p>rap_mom, I could have written your post although S2’s LD’s are fairly mild. Mathson can’t believe that his younger brother signed up for regular instead of AP Physics B. S2 felt one AP as a sophomore was plenty and wanted to take AP World. He mostly has better work habits, though he also has a tendency to think that the amount of time older brother studied should be enough. It’s not, not for him. While we try not to compare kids, it’s inevitable that it happens. Grades and scores aren’t secrets in this house.</p>
<p>Sorry rap_mom, I don’t have any insight regarding such extreme differences.</p>
<p>However, my 2 boys are very much like the siblings described by other posters. S1 had stellar scores, coasts through classes, etc. S2 is also GATE and very bright, but not as much of a reader (too active in sports) as S1. S2 will not be top 1% on national tests.</p>
<p>While S2 cruised through middle school with straight As, he has hit a few “bumps” in the road his freshman year. I consider this a good thing . . . if S2 was learning from these “bumps.” I don’t know that he is.</p>
<p>Like other parents, we don’t expect straight As out of our kids, just that they achieve to their potential. As the OP pondered, how do you help your S2 or D2 to achieve up to their potential following on the heels of a superstar without resort to undue “nagging” or an equally unhealthy "laissez faire"attitude? </p>
<p>I couldn’t help but notice that S2 acted surprised, but not unhappy when H and I reacted so negatively to his first semester grades (2 grades in particular; S2 blew both of the finals and ended up 1 point from a B in English, and was given the C; also blew his advanced math final). It was almost as if he was surprised we cared that he had not done as well as he should have. </p>
<p>IOW, it seems that we need to keep our expectations high enough for S2 so he doesn’t feel that only S1’s academic achievements matter. It’s a tricky balancing act, no doubt.</p>
<p>My son ended up in tears one time after a discussion about grades and it tought me a big lesson in backing off. It is hard following superstar siblings. The thing is, it’s not necessarily studying or hard work that makes the superstar who they are, they’re just brilliant, they see things more quickly and more deeply than us mere mortals. My son’s teachers love him, he’s a great class participant, he’s interested in subject matter and learning, but he doesn’t get the highest grades in his classes. And that’s okay. There’s a giant world out there filled with happy people who didn’t go to elite schools. Love the kid you’ve got.</p>
<p>My second child is much more competitive than my first child who is very laid back. I’m not worry for the second child as much as the first child because college admissions will be much less competitive than 2008 admissions.</p>
<p>I think back to the dynamic with my own siblings and my spouse’s siblings (I didn’t know him as a kid but I’ve heard his take on the dynamic). It isn’t pretty when a kid perceives a parent as being more invested in one child’s success than the others. The parents view is probably that one kid clearly had “what it takes” so from a Darwinian perspective it made a whole lot of sense- but it is cruel to all the kids, ultimately, and sets up a very poor foundation for the rest of their lives.</p>
<p>My thought is continue to give child #2 that we’re here for you, we want what you want, we’re prepared to go to the mat to make your dreams come true-- whatever they may be. You don’t need to follow in your sister’s foot steps, you don’t need to be an academic superstar because she was, only because if that’s who you are we want to support you. And then- make sure you put your money where your mouth is. If you spent long evenings in the car chauffering D1 to cello lessons and debate competitions, it’s not fair to balk at picking up D2 at baton twirling or volunteering in an animal shelter. If your family sacrificed a summer vacation to pay for an academic summer program, you can’t call foul if D2 wants to attend something that you find less worthy. And if the parents regularly showed up to watch D1 win awards, play music, or recite poetry, it’s important for you to show up when D2 is doing something of a public nature… regardless of what it is.</p>
<p>I know adults who wished they were pushed as kids; I know adults who blame much of their lives on having been pushed constantly as kids- so that’s just a grass is greener phenomenon. I think the truth is that if your kids grow up thinking that you believe in their ability to achieve what is meaningful to them- you can’t go wrong.</p>
<p>And for god’s sakes, don’t nag about grades. That’s truly the invidious message- that just because they’re an objective measure, they demonstrate your D’s “worth”. Each kid should try to work to their own potential- A, B C- whatever, without being told, “hey if you worked a little harder your grades would be higher”. Believe me- D2 already knows that and is either consciously or sub-consciously going a different route from D1.</p>
<p>Older daughter was definitely an “easy sell” for admissions. Younger son is good, bright, but not as stellar. His interests are very different from hers, so we are focusing on completely different colleges. Had to discipline them differently, too.</p>
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<p>I think that’s the key line. We learned with our older, brilliant, outgoing son that “he is who he is”, to quote many a great athlete. Top test scores and a high gpa did not mean that he was HYP material. He just isn’t interested in working that hard academically and he absolutely refused to “resume-build”.</p>
<p>S2 is much more focused on the numbers and does have the “drive”; as a sophomore is already talking about college and has taken advantage of many more AP/honors/honor society involvements. We have taken great care not to compare the two of them, but they get into a little sibling rivalry over grades on their own.</p>
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I have been here a long time and I have to say , these rank among the best lines written by anybody here …ever. Really good job. Bravo.</p>
<p>My S followed his superstar older S by 3 years. She got perfect grades in hard classes in HS, was president or VP of many clubs, fantastic ECs, great scores, and got into her 2nd choice reach with a wonderful scholarship. So while she was this stellar senior, he was a freshman getting a couple of Bs, although he was also doing very well in ECs/sports. Then she went off to college, and has struggled due to emotional issues.</p>
<p>My S got on the perfect-grades track starting in sophomore year. He dropped some ECs junior year with no interest in resume-building and we thought for sure he’d never get into his first choice ultra-reach. But then he did! So you never can be sure of accurately predicting how things will turn out in the future.</p>
<p>We never pressured him to get better grades or to keep up with ECs/sports that he no longer was interested in. He is the kind of person who is not influenced much by what others think about him. If anything, seeing his Ss success in HS and in college admissions probably inspired him. The application to ultra-reach was his idea. H and I are happy to say that we bent over backwards to help him in the same way that we did for our D.</p>
<p>Our son (older) and daughter are as different as they come. This has always caught my attention and over the years I have developed the “theory” that the second child has to be different just to be noticed. This thread reinforces these observations.</p>
<p>In our case the differences in their academic performance were noticed and emphasized by many people. Perhaps the worst example is a math teacher who told our daughter she was in the wrong section of the class (regular math) after realizing who his brother was. Fortunately her sense of humor was already at the AP level so her response to the teacher was: “that’s OK, he got the brains I got the beauty.”</p>
<p>Interestingly enough, almost immediately after our son left for college she decided to apply herself, ended up at a college she loves and has a great GPA. Academic success does not come to her as easily as to her brother but she has developed a tremendous work ethic among other useful skills.</p>
<p>No additional feedback for the OP except to enjoy the fact that her two kids have different personalities. It make parenting a lot more interesting.</p>
<p>I’m the second child. I ended up better off than my older brother. I don’t think the HYP or other tops schools are for everyone. Maybe you should let her chart her own path, and not be like d1.</p>
<p>Sounds like you need to have a candid conversation with her about these concerns. Let her know that you think she has the capability to go to a top school, but that you want her to be happy and don’t want to pressure her with high expectations. Also, if she is much less ambitious than her sister, you should reconcile that with yourself. If she’d prefer to go to a state school, there’s nothing wrong with that and you shouldn’t discourage her from it. But most importantly, ask her what she expects from you during high school and her college search. She needs to know that you won’t overstep your limits, but that you’re there to support her with whatever she needs.</p>
<p>Actually, as the second daughter in my family, my situation wasn’t so very different. My older sister got into the Early Entrance Program at U Washington and started full-time college at 15. I was devastated when I didn’t get into the same program. Then I started 10th grade at a public high school (I had been home schooled until then) and loved it. But my parents didn’t help me at all in the college search or application processes. In fact, I only visited 2 of the 13 schools that I applied to. It sounds like you’re a much more involved parent and I’m sure your daughters appreciate that! But it was great NOT being in my sister’s shadow. She hadn’t attended my high school; I decided not to go to St. Olaf, the school she transferred to after her first 2 years at UW. I just finished my freshman year at Amherst and am now looking forward to helping the next 3 sisters down the line with their transitions to college and all that leads up to it.</p>
<p>D1 is a superstar. D2 followed and the middle school teachers were so busy “not seeing” D1 again that the strengths of D2 were overlooked. It seemed that with each progressive year, more and more of D2 “disappeared”.</p>
<p>Luckily D2 does not attend the same hs as D1 did - and guess what, she is a “superstar” there. The girls have different personalities and strengths, but it doesn’t mean that one is better than the other. </p>
<p>Don’t know what to tell you. We got lucky with the transfer. In our case, I honestly don’t think D2 would be doing as well if she had continued to follow in her sister’s footsteps. (The jhs/hs was SMALL so the teachers knew each student.)</p>
<p>As the older brother of an academic and athletic “star,” I think that the issue of sibling rivalry is a misnomer. While it seems that siblings tend to compete, the reality is that the competition is really with their own peers. </p>
<p>Parents would be wise to recognize the differences and downplay them by avoiding comparisons. What should, however, be universal is the same support and love.</p>
<p>“Or should I leave my lovely well-adjusted smart A- daughter alone?”</p>
<p>I’ve read all the posts…but what comes back to me is this line from the OP.</p>
<p>If, over the next 3 years, she’s motivated - either by her sister’s accomplishments, or peers, or something internal that gets her to strive for a higher level of achievement, she’ll do it. If not…be absolutely thrilled that you have a lovely, well adjusted A- student who will likely go to a very good college.</p>
<p>It’s easy to feel like you have more control over this than you do, especially when the younger child is just entering high school. In my family, the two children who followed the superstar had diametrically different reactions to the same parenting.</p>
<p>We have two S’s, two years apart. The older was/is a superstar … Valedictorian, National Merit Scholar, tennis team captain & MVP, Eagle Scout, etc. He just finished his first year at an elite university on Deans List. Younger S is finishing high school junior year and aspires to attend the same college as brother.</p>
<p>The younger one has spent his entire life traveling in older S’s wake. It was important for us to do all we could to helper younger S to find his own path, not the one older brother traveled. Most importantly, we have never, ever compared them. We don’t have to because younger S constantly compares himself to his older brother. He wants to outdo older S’s scores, records, grades, achievements, etc in everything. He knows that almost all of his teachers also taught his brother and can’t help but compare the two. It is a very difficult path for younger S… one I personally experienced as the younger sibling of an over-achieving older brother, and thus younger S and I have a common bond that we speak about often. </p>
<p>Just unconditionally love your younger one and tell them that their very best – whatever it is and wherever he/she ranks, finishes, or ends up-- is all you ask. They will find their own ways and own arenas in which to outdo their siblings…younger S scored 50 points higher than his older brother on the SAT, he won tennis honors and awards (district champ, all-district, etc) older bro never achieved, he was selected for programs and offices to which S #1 was never elected/selected. When those happen with younger child, celebrate them and praise him/her. </p>
<p>It is true that we sometimes do not greet the achievements of our younger siblings with the same enthusiasm as we did with the first child. That’s natural, but something we should fight against. On the other hand, we’re better, more experienced parents by the time our younger children roll around, and that’s an advantage our first child didn’t have.</p>
<p>Again, just love them openly and affectionately, don’t compare them, and remind them often that their best is good enough, and they’ll turn out just fine.</p>
<p>All these posts are wonderful - thanks oh wise and wonderful CC parents. </p>
<p>The hard part here is knowing what D2’s “best effort” really is. In terms of standardized state testing and an IQ test for the public gifted they are within a few points of each other - D1 slightly higher in reading comprehension, D2 higher in math. Sometimes I think the reading comprehension is more helpful for getting super grades than quantitative smarts. Maybe that’s why the same amount of studying yields lower grades for D2. So even though their composite scores are virtually the same, perhaps their relative strengths are different and D1’s are just better suited to overall academic achievement.</p>
<p>I appreciate so much all the thoughtful posts.</p>