<p>Maybe "super star" is over stating the case a bit but D1 has had quite a senior year of accolades, acceptances, honors, etc. We are concerned for D2, a rising high school freshman, in the wake of her older siblings path at our small high school. D2 is just as smart in terms of testing but in middle school seems less driven to get perfect grades. She is more advanced than her big sister in math. Also more easy going in general. </p>
<p>I feel confused on whether to come on sort of strong with D2, show her the data as far as what sort of gpa is needed to go to HYP. Will that send the message that we expect that of her? If I don't, am I sending the message that I don't think she can do it? </p>
<p>She is so different than her big sister. D1 taught ME what the competitive landscape is - she figured it all out for herself. D2 is just more passive. I just want to do right by her in terms of parenting. I think there is a tendency as we age as parents to not give the later children the same sort of support and I don't want to do that.</p>
<p>OP, I would like to see “the data as far as what sort of gpa is needed to go to HYP” please. </p>
<p>I don’t see any thing wrong to set up a high expectation for someone who is clearly capable. </p>
<p>Another interesting point about the first vs later child. In one of the Chinese website where many report their children attending PHYS. I think teh first impression is that most of those kid is eithr the first or only child.</p>
<p>D2 may feel she has learned a lot from watching D1 go through the process and there’s less need to be proactive so early at this stage.
I would counsel not focusing on getting into HYP just because D1 was accepted there, but focusing on what D2 enjoys learning and doing and constructing a list of colleges from there (but later, not now when she still is in 8th grade!). For example, if she loves math, she can accelerate and take college courses while still in high school.<br>
She may end up wanting an engineering career, in which case, the schools that she should apply to might well not be HYP, but RPI, Olin, Coopers Union, and so on. The worse thing that can be done is always holding up an older sibling as an exemplar.</p>
<p>^^ She liked Princeton when we visited but is sort of cagey about it. She talks about it being fine to go to state U or Vandy and pursuing med school, like her best friend is planning. I think she is pretty healthy in her attitude. My concern is that she really has the talent to do what is necessary to get into top schools but she lacks the extreme drive to do it. Should I be trying to light a fire in her? Or should I leave my lovely well-adjusted smart A- daughter alone?</p>
<p>Worried that she is somehow taking her cue from us that her trajectory is less important than her older siblings. She wears a harvard tee-shirt to school all the time and boasts to everyone about her sister. Is that healthy?</p>
<p>has d2 expressed interest in HYP? if not then showing her gpa needed to go to HYP may send message of your own desire and possibly a high expectation that could feel like pressure to her…my son just graduated hs–got a full ride to wash and lee, and also other awards scholarships–my daughter is a rising senior with her own strengths – and she sees how much stress all the app process was and says–not me, want more relaxed approach and want to be closer to home–I emphasize each of their strengths and needs, ie. daughter is talented writer, and enjoys this, very intuitive, son is math wiz and super organized–just natural differences of people and these differences influence how they fit in the world and what colleges might be best for them…I talk about finding the best fit for each child–given their indl strengths, hopes, comfort zones etc. it is wonderful how kids are different and I think they are from time they are babies…I like to reminisce about how each was who they were as little ones–for me the big choices like college, career are first opportunities for us to help our kids find their own way…because that will be the best learning experience for life</p>
<p>By comparing her to her sister, she will tune you out. There is enough of an age gap that she will blaze her own trail as D1 will be gone to school. Funny, but we had the same worries, how will S2 follow D1? Turns out he was his own person and actually surpassed her when his time came, much to her chagrin! S3 definitely has 2 shadows to follow in, but now we know that he, too, will blaze his own trail and do just fine. Going to HYP is not the end all to success.</p>
<p>We should start a club. Stellar, driven daughter graduates in the spring and easy-going son starts his freshman year in the fall.</p>
<p>I was thinking we should do some early college visits. He is not interested in HYP but he has thought about college a bit and generally likes the idea of, say, Minnesota, Wisconsin or some other Big Ten school. I think it would be good for him to hear from someone other than Mom and Dad that a B or B+ student may not make the cut for an out-of-state student. In my opinion, he would benefit from some external motivation!</p>
<p>[He knows we do not “expect” him to do as many EC’s as his sister did. She is a really high energy person and loves to go go go; he appreciates down time more. Band, a spring sport (he loves tennis and baseball), and one other interesting school-related EC would be just fine.]</p>
<p>Focus on her HS experience, make sure she partakes fully in that without rushing ahead to her college years. Remember what it was like 4 years ago when the older child started HS, try to give as much weight to the younger one’s experience. You have had the HS parent experience, but this is her first experience, keep up your enthusiasm for her HS without comparing it to how things were done in the past. Take a break from college planning for a couple of years, you have a head start with having gone through it once, be ready to make a fresh start.</p>
<p>Yes, we are going for the external Voice of Reason here, too. There will likely be a little bit of overlap between S1 and S2’s lists, but for entirely different reasons. S2 is feeling the pressure of his classmates and sib effortlessly (as far as S2 is concerned) nailing big scores, while S2 works hard and comes close, but not quite, to his expectations. (Note: HIS expectations, not mine.) Instead of getting charged up, he becomes very self-defeating and gives up. To me, this is the hurdle we need to confront, not the relative merits (???) of another 30 points on a SAT subject test.</p>
<p>Happy kid, pursuing his/her dreams = good scenario. Doesn’t matter what school, as long as said kid is satisfied.</p>
<p>There are a lot of aspects to this question, actually. I don’t want my D2 to tell me twenty years ago that I should have pushed her more. I have friends and relatives who complain of that and DadII’s post above refers to that tendency in Asian families, as well - the resources and attention seem to flow mostly to the first child and thus the first child is the biggest achiever.</p>
<p>I’m fine with my daughters attending whatever colleges that they want. My concern is that I’m unwittingly lowering expectations for D2. I just want to make sure I’m parenting to the best of my ability. And sometimes that does mean a little tough love, doesn’t it? The easiest path for me is to sit back and be okay with D2 continuing as a B+/A- student. The harder thing to do is find how to motivate her to fulfill her potential. As long as she does that, she can apply wherever she wants with my blessing. </p>
<p>I’m just not sure I understand all the issues of being a second child and following a very successful older sibling. I didn’t have that life experience. I suspect there are quite a few psychological pitfalls surrounding it.</p>
<p>wis75 - that’s good advice. It’s hard to be present-oriented with the second child, at least for me. I’m in a bit of post traumatic stress over D1’s last year or so and I can’t help seeing everything in terms of the common app! That’s a real danger, isn’t it.</p>
<p>We just tell D1 and D2 we expect their best, all the time. We don’t compare in front of them…either academics or athletics. We ask them to set goals and talk to them about what it takes to get there. But the big thing at our house is doing the best you can at every turn.</p>
<p>Then there are logical consequences. If we know there wasn’t adequate study time then she might lose the cell phone for awhile, or staying home on Friday night getting homework done instead of going to the football game. When we see the time and effort put in to a project or studying for a test and the grade is a B+ then there are no consequences. So far our Ds have boughgt in to being the best they can be! Whew!</p>
<p>I can relate to a lot of these posts. Superstar D just finished her sophomore year at an Ivy. Younger S is finishing up his sophomore year of high school. They are completely different types of people, in personality, interests, goals, etc. S has great social skills, while D is the type who walked into walls while reading when she was younger. S has tons of friends, plays drums in the band and plays tennis in the spring: he’s your basic BWRK. He has a decent GPA (3.6) in a mix of regular and Honors classes, but is not a good standardized test taker. He’s very conscientious about getting assignments in on time, and wants to get good grades, but is not always willing to work as hard as he could, or to do any other EC’s. </p>
<p>For a while this frustrated us, but he is who he is. He’s a great, happy, kid, who wants to get a job doing something sports-related once he’s out of college. His college search is going to be completely different from his sister’s, and he understands that. We don’t compare the two overtly (although he can’t help but do it to a certain extent, and we do point to his sister’s extraordinary work ethic when he says how smart she is); instead, we try to play up his strengths and gently encourage him to work a bit harder so that he can show what he’s capable of. More nagging doesn’t really work, at least not in our house! We’ve also limited video game time when it seemed necessary.</p>
<p>Having a highly academically successful older sibling can be very daunting for the younger child. S/he certainly knows what the expectations are in the family, and may be tempted not to even try, because why bother if you can’t measure up? So while it’s important to set reasonable goals and expectations, we also have to appreciate the younger siblings for who they are, and allow them to blossom in their own time.</p>
Ahhhh…sibling rivalry!</p>