Older Sibling in College--How has it affect younger siblings' search?

Parents Forum
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<p>My two DDs are two years apart....D1 is now a college freshman, and D2 is a junior in high school, so is beginning the college search. They are both very bright, but have very different academic paths they plan to pursue.</p>

<p>I'm curious as to how the process has worked with other families...D2 was along for many, but not all, of the college visits. Like her sister, and for many of the same reasons, she wants to flee the South, and is looking towards being near a large city, such as Chicago, NY, Boston, or DC.</p>

<p>D1 absolutely LOVES Univ of Maryland in College Park, and quickly mastered the metro system, so that she's in DC for most of her off-campus ventures. She's campaigning heavily to her sister to join her there.</p>

<p>My first reaction is absolute bliss; we favor public U's, and I think D2 would be well situated at a large U.....she's got several interests, but no sure path to exactly what she wants to major in. We've been through the new parent ropes there, and know what to expect. Having her older sister there would be ultimately comforting to me, knowing that she'd have someone who would be there to help her out, etc. D2 knows if she went there that she'd live in one of the freshman dorms first year, at least, for the whole social experience of it, but the two have talked about living in an apt together after that, etc. (obviously that's major speculating there, and would probably turn out something like The Odd Couple!!--D1 neat-freak vs. D2 messy-is-me)......</p>

<p>My subsequent reaction is whether it would be better for D2 to go someplace where she felt she was blazing her own trail. She has changed in several positive ways this year; I know that part of it is just maturity, but I think that no longer being in her uber-geek-validictorian sister's shadow has made a world of difference. </p>

<p>D2 will certainly apply to several places, but at this point, UMD is on the "A" list. </p>

<p>How has this played out in your family?</p>

2

<p>D1 and D2 are also two years apart. Both attended competitive private schools, but the schools were quite different regards student body and scholastic emphasis. </p>

<p>D1's college search was, um, let's not go there. D2 was adamant that she wasn't going where D1 went, even though she loves the school and the area and visits D1 regularly. Hmmm. And D2 was very circumspect about what she wanted in a school, probably because "dear old dad" had a nasty habit of following up on D1's thoughts on schools to visit.</p>

<p>In short, two completely different experiences, both ending happily.</p>

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<p>My brother graduated from high school four years ahead of me, and went off to college. During my high school years, I grew to love the school he was in, and applied myself. I went there, and never looked back. A decision I've been happy with, and would never change.</p>

<p>My youngest dreamed of going to my alma mater all his life. His older brother (a year ahead of him) wanted another school.</p>

<p>They painted their rooms in 'their' school colors. They had the posters, calendars, and t-shirts. My youngest had his college mascot on his myspace. It was a foregone conclusion where he would go, as long as he got in. </p>

<p>Until older went to college. Between the time younger applied EA to 'his' first choice, and May, he attended football and basketball games, got letters for honors program, visited, went to classes with older, and basically heard CONSTANTLY about the PERFECTION (older's words) that was older's university. Guess what. By March, younger had done an about face, and began reconsidering. He decided to go to older's college. He was accepted to both. Egg on his face, our faces, probably his GC's face (she mentioned in her letter that the other college was his first choice). </p>

<p>Hey, minds change. I still ache a little, because I'd love to have the reason to go visit my old college town more often. But he's happy, he's doing great. I just hope they don't hold it against him when he applies to grad school.</p>

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<p>Oh that is SUCH an interesting question. First to mention, though, as you read through my stories is that they all involve LAC's under the size of 2500 students, while you're thinking this through at UMD, which is a very large university. </p>

<p>Thirty-plus years ago, I attended the same LAC as my older brother. Frankly I think my folks were exhausted and there were work distractions. They never suggested a separate search process for me, and I was too clueless to ask for one. I knew he brought home all kinds of interesting people, and the catalogue looked good, so that was good enough for me! And I ended up loving my college, which I got into ED, so that was that. The sibling legacy probably helped me, too. I commend you, as parents, that you are creating a complete separate search process for your D, that includes UMD but isn't limited to UMD. Kudos on that. I bet you take it for granted, but really don't: congratulate yourselves for treating them individually.</p>

<p>I arrived as a freshman when my brother was living on-campus his senior year as an RA. Although it was only 2500 students total, we literally never bumped into each other all term. He had to phone and find me to make arrangements to go home for vacations. The upperclass and freshman worlds were rather separate, and we had all different friends. I was by no means in his shadow; in fact we had few courses in common and even with an unusual last name, I never got the "so you're X's little sister" which had been my lot at home growing up! (for better and for worse). We didn't attend the same h.s. because, oddly, in our city, the magnet public schools were all-boys or all-girls. In other arenas, such as Hebrew afterschool, we walked the same hallways and I got sick of being in his shadow! He was brilliant and troubled; I was neither. I could hardly wait to have my own path, and surprisingly I DID even in a tiny LAC (tiny as compared to UMD). It was also an LAC where all stayed on-campus each weekend, yet somehow we occupied different circles. I never went to him for help or issues, but then, he wasn't the nurturing type in the first place, so why go there? </p>

<p>Many years later, our oldest S had a college search of LAC's and Ivies, selecting an LAC (he got into 4 of the 8 places he applied). It is a TINY LAC (l800 students). </p>

<p>Two years later, it was D's turn. She had attended the same h.s. as her older brother and articulated a need to be at a different place, and yet she was attracted to his school for good reasons of program, location and so on. They had a heart-to-heart talk (away from us, initiated by them) in which they decided that she should put in the application at his school and not rule it out simply because he was there and it was so small. They'd let the chips fall where they may come Spring. As it turned out, she fell in love with my alma mater (after looking everywhere else!) and got in ED, so she never had to face any decision about going to the same college as her big brother. She had to fend off us--her parents--instead, not to be overbearing about legacy. We tried and hopefully succeeded somewhat; didn't mention it when we took her in for freshman orientation, for example. Just let her be.</p>

<p>When she visited his college for the overnight, he put her up with his friends and tried to be as thoughtful as he could, but somehow his friends weren't her cup of tea. I read her body language and it was all wrong; she was going back into that "I'm overshadowed" look she was starting to outgrow as a jr. and sr. in high school. I'm glad she never went to his LAC in the end. I know they would have tried to lead separate lives, but she really blossomed away from him. Maybe she'd have blossomed there, too. She was simply ready to blossom! </p>

<p>Now your story sounds quite different, because there is so much affection already between the sisters, so I don't know how to advise. I wouldn't dare to advise. Just thought I'd share my story. It doesn't have any conclusions for others, really.</p>

<p>Oh, there is a side-story about going to my older brother's school: l0 years after I graduated, I bumped into someone who recognized the last name on a name-tag (at a national conference). His opening line was, "Are you Kxx's Little Sister?" And we were married 6 months later, still happy today. SO there can be side benefits, but who could predict that one?</p>

<p>Good luck, and again, brava for giving independent thought to D-2's search! BTW, today my big bro and I get along much better than we did long ago :) and we enjoy the mutual bond of sharing an alma mater. Go figure.</p>

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<p>I know so many people who want to go to a specific college because their older sister//brother went.</p>

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<p>I joke that D went to Harvard so S couldn't follow her there. But he did not want to apply to Columbia. The text each other constantly, are very close, but both are grateful for the privacy for different reasons.</p>

<p>D is very self-conscious, especially about flirting, and wouldn't want S watching over her shoulder.</p>

<p>D also likes to run S's life, so he is happy to be out from her protection.</p>

<p>But all families are different.</p>

<p>Their schools are both ideally suited to their temperaments and ideas of education and very different.</p>

7

<p>I went to Harvard and both my brothers followed me there. I don't think we took any courses in common, though my youngest brother took a few in my major. One brother overlapped two years and did end up marrying a good friend from my freshman year. (She flunked out and ended up in the class ahead of him.) I hardly saw him. My other brother is six years younger than me. The college was a big enough place you could have your own experience there. I think U of Md. is big enough and varied enough that it won't be a problem.</p>

<p>My youngest son is still a sophomore, but I can tell you now he won't be looking at any of the same colleges. He's Mr. Right Brain while the older one is Mr. Left Brain. His GPA and scores are also likely to be quite a bit lower.</p>

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<p>Mythmom, was that "Harvard" a Freudian slip? The daughter is at Barnard, no? ;)</p>

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<p>S is college soph, D is hs junior. She knows she'll go "anywhere but 'his' school." S goes to a very small school, and it's not what D's looking for. </p>

<p>(I went to a large state u with my sis one year ahead of me. We rarely saw each other--once or twice a semester we would do something like see a play or movie or have lunch together. It made transportation back and forth more convenient for our parents. I chose that school because my TWIN sis was going to the only other school I'd applied to, and I decided I needed to get away from HER).</p>

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<p>My senior D and Freshman S are at the same U (about 3000 undergrads). DS applied to 3 big state U's and 2 small U's - but his first choice was the one his sis attends. Since they both really like each other, it works out great. They try to meet up for a meal at least once a week, and they play the same club sport so meet for a coed scrimmage periodically. No downsides that I can see. :)</p>

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<p>The only thing we can say for sure about where D2 will go to college is that it will NOT be Harvard. Because that's where D1 is and, although the sisters are great friends and very close on many levels, D2 has always hated being compared to her big sis and deliberately tries to be different at every turn.</p>

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<p>My, I didn't mean to give us airs. Honest mistake, Freudian slip, whatever. No D does not go to Harvard but to Barnard where S could definitely not follow here.</p>

<p>Boy is my face red. Thanks mathmom.</p>

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<p>^^Having taught Phonics to First Graders, Harvard and Barnard are very similar. They both fit into the aardvark lesson plan. Fret not.</p>

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<p>I've wondered if we are inadvertantly grooming soph. D to follow S. We sent her to a couple sports camps at his school, so she feels a real connection to their team. She is very comfortable at his campus, and has mentioned that she is interested. </p>

<p>If she follows him, it will certainly make travel arrangements easier, especially if we are still living overseas in two years.</p>

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<p>My brother and I are so wildly different that it would be difficult for us to apply to similar schools: however, our safety/match schools ended up being very similar because they are all large universities offering a wide range of majors, and I'm considering attending the same school he goes to, unless I get into Brown (because seriously, the only people who turn down Brown are going to HYP anyway).</p>

<p>In this case, though, it's more of a matter of convenience than of idolizing my brother. He's having a terrible time--I assume, judging from how he spends his days--but that's because he's not trying to have a social life (it doesn't help that he got stuck in a suite with one person in his room who is also asocial, and three people in the other room with whom he has nothing in common). I think that, being a bit less selective about the people with whom I am friends, I'll be able to have a much better time (well, aside from double-majoring).</p>

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<p>I have a son (first year) and daughter (third year) at the same college. When the older one was looking at colleges, her brother stayed as far away from the whole process as he could. He went on no visits, and tried to avoid the discussions. He came with us, however, when we dropped off his sister, and fell in love with the place. (Largely the fact that one after another cute girl stopped him to chat about his Tintin t-shirt.) He visited her for a few days that spring, went to classes, loved it even more. When the time came to apply, it was one of his top choices, and the only one of his top choices where he was accepted. He agonized some over his choice -- financial issues, not his sibling's presence -- but ultimately really wanted to go there. The college is, if anything, more of a fit for him than for her, and he likes it more unreservedly than she does.</p>

<p>They see each other far more than I expected. Between classes, he will go hang out where she works; his ability to swipe her in for meals on his meal plan makes him popular with her. (Plus, her life isn't so crowded with people who adore her that she can take the one person who does for granted.) They are very different in academic interests and style; their friends are totally different (although each is warm towards the other's friends). It's nice that they are having these last few years somewhat together. And both of them having the same break schedule has made a few family vacations possible when we thought that was over.</p>

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<p>My sister and I attend the same small LAC--as the younger sib I was initially very resistant to the idea of attending (because of having been in my sister's shadow so much). But visiting her, I just felt it was such a uniquely good fit that I couldn't pass it up. And it's awesome. Thanks to a random housing fluke we live on the same hall--but we still manage to lead separate lives, and we're the right personality types to not bug each other. Let the younger sibling think and make a choice, like any other kid looking for a college. It'll all work out, however it ends up. :)</p>

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<p>We live in New England, and my daughter is a senior at a school in the midwest. While my son likes what he's seen of my daughter's school on our annual visits the past 4 years, her choice of school has affected his college list making in two ways. While he's since broken them, he originally had two rules affecting inclusion on the list: (1) exclude anyplace with which you're too familiar because college should introduce you to new experiences and (2) exclude anyplace that requires complicated travel (D's school is actually quite easy to reach, but travel time is lengthy because there aren't any direct flights between the airport closest to us and her). Our visits to D ruled out her school for my S because it already seemed like a known quantity, and initially ruled out consideration of any other schools in the region until we convinced S that he could reach some places of interest without having to switch planes.</p>

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<p>When DD was looking at colleges she made it clear that DS's was NOT going to be one she would even consider (even though it would have been a great fit for her in many ways). But then this is a child who went through hs and most people never knew she had a brother only 2 years older. They love each other dearly but really love having very different lives and interests as well.</p>

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<p>Ironically, for a person who was a total obsessive about my son's college search, I did very little searching for myself and mostly ended up following my older sister around. I must have figured she'd already done the heavy lifting. Since she's 5 years older we were never together on a campus, but we did find an apt together in NYC for one of my years in nursing school. That worked out very well.</p>

<p>OP, I think when the time comes, your D will know whether or not it feels right to follow her sister.</p>