For parents here, I wonder if you also have kids with totally difference personalities, strength and weakness. Basically the experience from kid1 cannot apply on kid2.
My D2 is finishing up junior year in HS and will start the college application process soon. My D1 is an upcoming senior in college already. It was actually a pretty good experience when I guided my D1 through the later high school years for college application, from someone with no sport and very little EC to a strong candidate in college applications leading to acceptance at many good schools and multiple scholarships. I thought I could do the same for D2 who is 4 years younger.
Even they have similar GPA, test scores, and play the same instrument, I could not find any other similarities between them. D1 was very determined by junior year in high school to study ChemE, while D2 still have no idea on potential major other than NOT any engineering. D1 would put school works at top priority, got home work done the day it as assigned. D2 prefers to hang out with friends and leave any homework to the last minute (sometimes even in the morning of the due date). D1 would follow the schedule and practice for the test in summer, one section a day, and one full timed test each weekend. D2 hard finish one full timed practice without multiple interruptions like picking songs on Spotify, eating snack, text messaging with friends, etc.
It seems not only their were born with different personalities, D2 would just do things different from D1 intentionally. The dilema is, we really want D2 to attend the same university (although in a different school).
From the get go, even though they’re both girls and only 18 months apart, mine have been totally different in looks, personality, and interests.
I remember being very frustrated as a new mom when what worked with #1 was a total fail with #2, and vice versa.
Times that by 18 years, and here I am :D.
I’ve got two awesome teenaged daughters who are very individuated, and are really starting to appreciate their strengths and differences. (yay less squabbling).
I ABSOLUTELY would never mandate that the girls attend the same college-that negates their individuality, in my opinion. If they wanted to, fine, but telling them they had to just seems like a huge gut-punch to them both. It takes away the older one’s turf, and it tells the younger one that the older one’s choice is the one they get stuck with, too bad, so sad.
In our family it’d be a recipe for years of simmering resentment-no thanks.
Not that we want to force D2 to go to the same college, it is simply the best option in terms of cost, location, admission chance, and quality of school. It is a need met highly ranked instate flagship wth legacy. It would be hard to find a more affordable school for her unless she wants to go to a much much lower caliber school while she is not likely to be admitted by those very high ranked need met private college. We actually worried in the last couple years that D2 would not be able to reach a test score in the admission range as her plateau practice scores were only around the 25th percentile (from her not so serious practice). It turned out that she surprised us twice in the real ACT and SAT exams. I guess without text messaging and Spotify in a real test helps.
It’s entirely possible that your younger daughter simply wants to make her own way.
Your two daughters have “similar GPA, test scores, and play the same instrument.” I bet she’s spent her whole live being thought of as “Little billscho” or something similar.
She may be willing to sacrifice “quality of school” for the chance for a real fresh start.
The good thing is, she loves that school too. So far she only mentioned a couple other schools that she wants to apply. But both would be much harder to get in.
So, wait. First you tell us you’re pushing D2 to attend same school, now you’re saying she loves it? If D1 is fine with it as well, then what’s the issue here?
So cast a wide net. Include her sister’s school, but don’t limit the search to that one. Do some research for her-- find some other schools she may want to consider. There are so many schools out there, kids sometimes need someone to weed through all the possibilities.
Visit lots of schools, including her sister’s-- take the tour, treat it like every other school.
Our three seem to have slivers of our personalities, only magnified. DS is major chilled, easy going, helpful. DD#1 is a wannabe diva, “glitter is life” kind of person. At the hospital after she was born, she wouldn’t let me put her down. DD#2 is very self-driven, loud and funny. As a debate kid, she will try to argue anything while laughing. The DDs might end up at the same school. DD#2 could get admitted where DS is going but I don’t think it would be best environment for her.
Sounds familiar . . . my sons couldn’t be more different if they tried. But they’re both great young men!
Let her be her, even if she goes to a lower caliber school. So what. It’s OK unless it’s some for-profit pseudo college (which it doesn’t sound like it is).
With some kids, you have to stop talking about specific choices, majors, even ‘wants.’ Give them a chance to feel it’s their own process.
We talked around it, ensured them they’d be ready, said we hoped the school would be close enough for them to get home, trying new academic experiences, etc, but without expecting decisions. You can still set expectations for things like test practice.
Dd#1 disappoints constantly since 18 now 25, college dropout, dates a loser who is 30.
Dd#2 loves, great heart, hope she doesnt emulate dd#1
DD#3 SUPER FOCUSED, brightest of the bunch, hope she doesnt emulate dd#1
DS#4 Typical boy manages believe he’ll be fine.
I say “hope doesnt emulate dd#1” for the other girls because she was a 3.8gpa, 30 act kid, who lasted 42 days in college partied her tail off, lied endlessly, etc etc.
Talk to her now about that she will “say I really screwed up I dont know why I did that. Just felt pressured to be at the parties and be cool. I was so young I dont know. Now Im in love with xxxx I wish I could do it over, but I cant and I cant help who I love. Guess Ill just have to live with being a loser.”
Not for nothing, but doesn’t that kinda go without saying? It reminds me of the Chris Rock tour (one of the ones much earlier than the current alimony tour) where he said (and I heavily edited to comply with ToS):
Yikes! Your daughter can’t do it over but she can do it different and she can go back to school. ^^ Agree, I wouldn’t want my children to feel like losers.
I always say that when I had one kid, I thought I knew something. Once I had three, despite so much more experience, I knew very well that I didn’t know much at all. Each one is so different.
Some of the kids with social skills and interests do very very well in life. I have seen this time and time again. The high school academic stars don’t always.
We have to pay attention to each individual child, value their personalities, help them develop talents and interests, and then let go and hope for the best. Sorry if that sounds like pablum, but it’s true. The otutcome can be surprising.
For the specific question about D#2, are you afraid she will not get into the school that D#1 attends? Were her scores surprisingly good? If not then look at this list of schools that don’t require or emphasize scores http://fairtest.org/university/optional
Within your financial limits, your second daughter should start off making her own list of schools. If the school D#1 goes to is on it then that is a great option.
Unless it is the state U that has a favorable financial package, I’m not sure why you need D1 and D2 to attend the same college.
My two kids are very different, they approached the college search differently, had different interests, looked for different things in a college etc. We saw about 10 schools for each kid and only one overlapped (which they both didn’t like – maybe the only thing they agreed on LOL). My S loved mid-sized urban schools and studied business, my D loved small LACs and studied science. Both found great schools for their interests/desires and each child was happy and successful in college – and as parents what more could we ask.
The problem is there is not much choice for D2 if she wants to go to another school that is affordable and not so far off in caliber. DE had many more choices with great merit aids from a handful of good engineering schools admitted. D2 should be able to get in the same flagship but not likely to get merit aid there. For her personality, she would not even consider lower tier schools but she is not that competitive for other need met reach school either. If D1 picked one of the other great schools 3 years ago, it would be a lot easier.
