<p>I went through this last year. My son was so oppositional that I finally spoke to a school psychologist. She reminded me that what’s important here is not about colleges (although I fully thought it was). Instead, it’s about your relationship. I mean, she pointed out that he was doing everything I told him not to do. (go to this meeting, that interview…). But I forgot the important stuff: what he was doing right. I knew he wanted to go to college, but I wanted to control the process too much. In the end, he’s at a top, top school and we couldn’t be happier. Best part: we have a good relationship.</p>
<p>“*Do schools ever bend on financial aid if they really want a student, or is it formulaic? *”</p>
<p>Need-only schools tend to be more formulaic. They can bend if you can show why the standard calculation doesn’t accurately present your situation, but not because they really want your child; it would just reduce available funds for the other students they really want.</p>
<p>Okay, this is odd suggestion in some ways…I’m a known proseyltizer…but if she likes Reed, have her take a look at Smith. It’s different than Reed but it’s also different from a lot of LAC’s, starting with the fact that it’s a women’s college that’s academically formidable but not impossible to get into, the latter because of the former.</p>
<p>First, look at your child’s high school course load and make sure there is no academic over load going on. Second, I suggest you try to limit the number of college applications. Make sure at least one or two acceptable safety school applications are in the mail on time. Third, unless your child is going to live at home after graduation, remember that next year your child will be far away and you will miss having your child at home, even with a difficult year this year.</p>
<p>MomLive gives some great points. My theory when going through this was to just keep pointing out “you are limiting your own options. If that is the course you choose I can’t stop you however I am going to make sure that you do have some options.”
I basically told mine that if they didn’t get their apps in and make sure they had apps to places that were financial and academic safeties they could go to the local CC. I also told them that if they went there they could not live at home. They would need to find an apartment, etc. Neither wanted to go to the CC so it was a good motivator.</p>
<p>So I’m a high school senior myself (yeah, yeah, I know wrong section) but I just wanted to weigh in. Please, please put yourself in your daughter’s shoes. Senior year, while exciting, is absolutely terrifying at the same time. We talk about how we want to get out, go anywhere but here but at the same time we don’t want to leave. I don’t know what your daughter’s school or friends are like but the people I go to school with I’ve known some of them since kindergarten adn it’s weird to think I won’t be here next year. Some kids, and I know people like this, are too terrified by college to even think about it or start taking any steps.</p>
<p>My best friend and I were just talking earlier tonight about how awful this year is, and how we’ve never felt this out of control before. We both decided we’ve cried more in the first month of school than in an entire semester before. I think she’s probably feeling the same way, a little scared and a little confused.</p>
<p>My advice would be to talk to her. Expect some tears but try to think back to when you were 17 and were constatnyl being told your entire life hinged upon what you do now. She’s probably just scared</p>
<p>This is what I did:</p>
<p>Asked my D to print out a copy of the common application and figure out what information she needed from mom and dad, as I wanted to get that done and out of the way (it was my sneaky way of her looking at it)</p>
<p>I gave her my credit card nunber, so when she was ready to pay the application fee, she wouldn’t have to ask me over and over</p>
<p>I bought extra ink for the printer, envelopes, paper, stamps, and other office supplies, some folders, etc</p>
<p>I bought a big wall calendar for her </p>
<p>And, I sat her down, and set some ground rules. I would not ask about college applications, recommendation letters, etc except on Sundays. Then I was free to check on status, etc. That was the deal. </p>
<p>I made “suggestions”- We talked about what needed to be done, and she would figure out priority and set a goal of doing at least one a week (she thought each thing would take a lot longer that it did, so she got things done quicker than just one a week, but that goal seemed doable and not overwhelming)</p>
<p>Go to each college she was considering and print out their page that lists inportant dates, tests needed, addresses etc</p>
<p>Look at the essay questions</p>
<p>To use the same password and name for each college</p>
<p>To update her resume</p>
<p>To go right away to teachers she wanted to right recommendations, etc</p>
<p>I also wrote her a letter, letting her know what a great daughter she was, etc and that no matter where she ended up, I was proud of her. </p>
<p>I told her I would happily take a look at her resume/activity sheet to see if she was missing anything etc.</p>
<p>Once she knew that I would not ask about college applications all the time, that i would give her the benefit of the doubt, I saw that she was more open to talk about college.</p>
<p>I had to bite my tongue, especially when I came back from school meetings. </p>
<p>The other thing is, when they got snooty, I called them on it. I didnt care how busy, or stressed, the rest of the family wasn’t going to deal with rudeness. Period. If she was having a bad day, than don’t take it out on your family was my motto. </p>
<p>At this point , they are inundated with college- friends, GC, other parents, coaches, the mail, etc., they need a place where most of the time, its not talked about.</p>
<p>My first D was very open with the process, my second started open, went silent, then opened up again. But me stepping back allowed her to step up. I didn’t always know that she had met with the GC, etc.</p>
<p>What I would do is make a date with your D, maybe this Sunday for brunch. and a walk. Say that you won’t talk about college until then, but as mom, you want to check in. </p>
<p>Get out of the house, even for just an hour, and have a kind of adult time together.</p>
<p>We ended up doing something together every sunday- brunch, a walk, the museum, window shopping,and talking some about college, where she stood, how she felt, her list etc. I didn’t start talking about colleges and applications, we talked about all kinds of stuff, prom dresses, a bad movie, and college talk just would happen.</p>
<p>It is amazing the releif you and she will fell when D knows that she will be free of college talk when she gets home. And that wherever she goes, it will be good.</p>
<p>PS I NEVER asked any of her friends about college either.</p>
<p>^ Excellent points, Ilovetoquilt22!</p>
<p>Great tips Ilovetoquilt22! My son, formerly the sweetest natured, most laid back person in the family, has become rude and somewhat withdrawn. There are sunny moments but they are much less frequent. Finally, one day, he said “I am so stressed”! I think his friends, his counselor, the teachers and I had been talking college apps 24-7 and it finally has gotten to him. </p>
<p>I think the best piece of advice is “I will only ask about college apps on SUNDAY” unless he wants to bring it up at another time. What a wonderful way to give him and me a break from the college app stress. I will encourage him to put a 1-2 hour date to work on apps and paperwork for the upcoming week. Clear the dining room table and bring out the laptop so he can ask questions as he fills stuff out and add dates to the big calendar. I think this will work for all stressed kids, but may be even more welcome for a child who has lots of complicated issues around the whole college app process. </p>
<p>The kids need a haven from the focus on college apps and it should be at home. It must be particularly hard if the conversations at home also deal with financial limits/considerations if the friends at school seem to be immune to these issues. On top of that, if explicitly or implicitly the limitations are due to an absent parent’s behavior, I can only imagine the stress and grief a teen is going through. How terrible to think that your father’s personal choice to start a new family will seriously limit your college choices. That poor girl must be so angry and hurt but still loves her father. She must want to avoid the whole discussion at home because every time choice of college comes up she has to think about her father leaving her and living the life of Riley with another family. It sounds like rudeness is a defense mechanism and even the over involvement in ECs may be a way to avoid confronting some very painful realities.</p>
<p>Senior year wasn’t as bad as junior year. I think by senior year, I was already used to the change in behavior. Same thing happening with my now junior. They do get through it though, question is, will you. Two years of bad attitude is no fun.</p>
<p>For my former senior, I think the worst part was getting the rejections because she had so much confidence going into the app process. I did not participate in that process, by the way, except to give advice when she asked, take her on tours she wanted to go on, and to let her use my credit card. Yet, in some way I was glad to see that she bounced back from rejection and that proved to me she will be able to handle most anything that will come her way down the road.</p>
<p>I agree, great tips from Ilovetoquilt22!</p>
<p>samclare wrote
“The kids need a haven from the focus on college apps and it should be at home.”
But what if you live in an area and your child attends a school where there isn’t focus on college apps or any sense of pressure?? Most of the kids who go to my son’s school will probably go on to community college. A few of the brightest get scholarships to our very good state universities. My son, however, is interested in going out of state and is planning to apply to a few long-shot top universities. This is all fine and good except that he is doing next-to-nothing about researching his choices, working on applications, or studying to retake SATs and SAT II’s. I am feeling so stressed out this morning since he had planned to work on these things this past weekend and didn’t, for no good reason whatsoever. I don’t even know what he did with his time yesterday. I try not to make every conversation we have about this and I keep hoping he will start talking about it and actually doing something, but it’s not happening.
I think I will try to have a conversation with him this afternoon and ask him if he wants me to really nag him and “make” him get stuff done or if he wants me to back off and let him fall on his face if he so chooses.
I’d be perfectly happy with him going to one of our in-state schools, which have excellent engineering programs, but I also want him to have a decent shot at going elsewhere if that’s what he wants to do.
Thanks for letting me vent!</p>