We enjoy pampering the kids when we are with them and may splurge more and/or go to nicer meals than if it was just H and me. We tend to pay, as we have lots more assets than our kids and we wantS to save for retirement and to buy a place. We already pay for everything for D anyway.
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So far we haven’t vacationed without DD’19 and '17. Was just talking about it last night with the older one- she encouraged us to go somewhere on our own. She’d like to do a weekend trip with us this year to minimize time away from work. That might work out best due to DD’19’s short term study abroad plus internship.
Probably best if we continue to include them in any Disney trips lol. And I hope we always (along with their families when they have them) do our annual family church camp together.
There is NO way I would have ever wanted to vacation with my in-laws. My parents died when I was 24. They took me on lots of trips as I was growing up but also did extensive travel without me. I did take a couple of summer trips with them while I was in college and one a year after I graduated. No way to know what would have transpired had they not died when I was so young.
We live at the beach. Our ds is not married, but I don’t anticipate vacationing with him or any future family. I do hope he will want to come visit us at the beach. If we ever have grandchildren, I would love for them to come stay with us at the beach while ds and his wife vacation without them!! All conjecture on my part at this point.
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My S has traveled a ton without us and we have done a lot of travel just H and I. S mostly travels with GF. D hasn’t traveled nearly as much as her funds are more limited, as is her limited energy level. She has traveled a bit with friends—ski trips, nyc, Vegas, SF, etc.
I remember our first trip without D. She went on a language immersion trip with school and we did a romantic get away. It was weird being away without her! We’ve since gotten used to traveling as a couple again but we do find ourselves saying “D would love this!” It’s also a joy traveling as a family.
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I don’t enjoy traveling so no. I do help pay for their vacations though. Like paying for plane tickets or a few night at a hotel are part of their Hanukkah gifts.
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We do a combo of with and without our grown kids and wives/SOs. It’s up to them if they join us on some trips and they’re not allowed on others (like our Anniversary trip).
In general we love sharing things together, so I like having them along. The camaraderie is great. One wife and one SO have taken us aside and thanked us for inviting them to go places with us, so I’m pretty sure they like it too. If they didn’t, or didn’t have time, they know there’s no problem skipping something (BTDT). They do end up left out at story time later though. We have to stop and remember who went with us to X and who didn’t.
I love traveling with our kids. When we plan a trip together we let them find lodging and things to do (they run everything by us of course!). They are so good at this. (side note S was literally finding hotels for my HR department at work when he was in HS).
My kids are great at finding great things especially off the beaten path or “up and coming”. I have had my horizons expanded thanks to them.
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I do a lot vacationing with my grown kids. I also vacation with my mother and my siblings. My kids schedule one vacation with me and one with my extended family (siblings and their kids) every year. D1 has a baby now, so it’s a lot fun going away with them. Of course I am also their babysitter when we are together.
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It is interesting that I came across this thread. As both daughters have back to back birthdays, we offered to take them skiing this year as their gift. They live in another state and we visit a few times a year and take them out for lunch or dinner and we pick up the bill. Younger D is engaged and lives with her fiance. They share expenses.
We rented a house at the resort and will pay for all meals out and lift tickets for the D’s. I mentioned to younger D that we would not be able to pay for her fiance’s lift ticket. I wanted to make that clear ahead of time. She said well he cannot afford lessons/lift tickets and equipment. He does have a job and while they are still young and not making tons of money, I thought he would be able to pay for this. It is just the weekend and they will only ski for one day. I am willing to chip in but what got me was the assumption that we would pay for all of it and no effort to say well he can pay for lessons but maybe can we get help for x. I don’t know. We traveled a lot with our D’s when they were young and miss spending time with them but I don’t know we will be able to afford an additional person going forward. Then what happens when D2 gets an SO. I see us going down this really bad road.
Your sentiments about just, “expecting” the parents to pay was what prompted my thread. This has been particularly true for some friends of mine whose situation had really got me thinking about this. Based on what I have witnessed with them, setting clear boundaries at the outset is extremely important. They set precedents that they cannot seem to extricate themselves from.
Interestingly, it appears ds may be dating someone who comes from a quite different socioeconomic background. I’m already wondering how issues with that may play out if this is something serious.
We skied extensively with my in-laws before we were married. In-laws provided the housing and food, and both H (finance at the time) and I paid our own lift tickets (we had our own equipment).
My $0.02 on this is that you want your future son in law to feel like part of the family. If you are going to have him pay for his ticket/rental, expect the same from your adult D.
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Yes I think this is about welcoming your new son in law to the family. Next time, don’t invite them skiing with you until either they are better off financially or you are prepared to pay for the people you invite. Usually a person hosting will pay. A friend at work gave a Christmas present to kids of a house rental far away, but the young kids have to get there on their own. That sounds like a burden to me. I would put a priority on planning things that everyone can afford and participate in.
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My In-laws often host and love to. I am thrilled that my husband is planning a very nice dinner out for his mom and dad this spring. I usually offer to pay for groceries or a meal out if they are taking us on vacation. We have offered to pay and now have just gotten used to their invites. meaning that they will pay.
Hmmmm. I agree with @Hoggirl that it’s good to be clear about expectations up front, but I worry that the expectation you are setting is that the fiance is not a part of the family. It’s not like some random dude she met the week before. They are planning to get married. Why would you pay for your dd but not the man about to be her dh and potential father of your grandchildren? I absolutely would be taken aback if I was your dd.
I don’t know your financial situation, and I’ve never been skiing. How much is a lift ticket? Is that amount of money worth the potential strife with your dd and her future dh? That said, maybe it’s time that you make clear that the family money dynamics are shifting as you approach retirement and say that y’all want to continue to vacation together but that it’s becoming a bit of a stretch so you’d like to share expenses, etc.
ETA: I always advise friends of adult children, don’t make your kids choose between you and their significant others because you could be on the losing end of that equation. Would you be OK with dd saying, well, we can’t go because we can’t afford it and then not having this vacation with her?
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I’ll put this how my daughter has expressed to me. Her boyfriend loves to ski, my daughter has skied but it’s been years and isn’t really her thing. I mention this because lessons were mentioned.
So her boyfriend wants her to go skiing. To do that, first she has to buy something to ski in. She has a nice jacket but at the very minimum needs ski pants, good gloves, base layers and a helmet. That’s a chunk of change just to get to the slopes.
Then to pay for lift tickets and lessons? Rent skis? It is easily $1000+ to do something she’s really not that excited about. To celebrate her boyfriend’s birthday, with his parents? Probably not how she wants to spend her money and limited time off.
My daughter has limited vacation time, is finishing up her masters, has a big project at work. She would decline that invite.
Boyfriend has gone on 2 long weekends skiing. He loves it, my daughter has no problem with him going. But she’ll stay home, take care of the dog (that would have to be boarded if she were to go) and go to dinner with a girlfriend.
Daughter frankly wants to spend her time on the beach with just the boyfriend and not his family at this point. She’d rather spend $1000+ on other things.
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Hmmm, trying to identify the goal of this weekend - skiing, family time, birthday celebration.
I definitely agree with the posters who say set the financial expectations up front, but I am of the mindset that the expectations be the same for all guests.
Once a significant other participates in family events, they become family. I would never expect them, as my guest, to contribute more than their partner.
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Good point by many about family inclusion. I wasn’t thinking along those lines. Yes, I agree all “guests” should be treated the same.
This is an excellent post and considers everyone’s potential POV.
Thank you for your replies and points of view. It is quite interesting. To be clear, we offered the ski weekend as a gift to our daughters for their birthdays. They used to love to ski and have not done so in a while so we thought they would enjoy it. They agreed right away. We don’t ski anymore. Fiance does not ski. He may even decide he does not want to ski. His interest was not that high. We are just your average middle class working people and our families used to rent houses and ski when the girls were small. Everyone chipped in. No one took the full hit. He comes from the same background.
I guess my expectations were different which can make it complicated if we want to spend future time together as well as when D2 brings her SO also. As a young couple, my DH and I always offered or asked about expenses and didn’t just think that the host would cover everything. I have seen my brother and his wife do the same with their inlaws and always share the expense. So this is quite awkward. I certainly don’t want to make him feel like an outsider.
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