Why do parents send their kids to boarding schools?

Parents Forum
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<p>I’ll echo what the actual BS parents have said. I’m glad there was such good feedback from these posters, because I was starting to get pretty peeved at the wrong perception of why families choose to go this route. </p>

<p>Both of my kids went to boarding school, and it was NOT something we had ever imagined doing. My daughter was not happy (socially) in her intense girls’ prep school in Dallas. She was a gifted musician, and her voice teacher encouraged us to look at Interlochen Arts Academy for her junior year. I was opposed- did NOT want to send my little girl to northern Michigan. She and I went on a visiting weekend, and were enthralled. It was heaven for an artistic (and smart) young person. Academics were just about as strong as her local prep school and the musical opportunities and peers were beyond compare. We convinced H, and off she went. She is now 29, and views her two years at Interlochen as one of the highlights of her life. She is still best friends with her Interlochen roommate and recently officiated (my daughter is an Episcopal priest) at her wedding. Daughter took AP classes and graduated from Rice as a vocal performance major. There was a LOT of parental involvement at Interlochen- to the extent there could be from so far away. We went to recitals, picked her up to go to college visits, etc. We had a great online parents’ forum. We missed her- but seeing her grow as a young woman and a musician in ways that could not have happened at home made it worth it. She was classmates with some kids who have gone on to be very prominent musicians and dancers.</p>

<p>WildChild was a different situation. He had an unfortunate parting of the ways with his prep school in Dallas just before the end of 8th grade (not academic related) and our public schools were not an option. Since his sister was going away, the boarding option appealed to him and he got into a school just 3 hours away from home with top academics and athletics. He loved the independence (a little too much) and this school did not have an ideal ratio of boarders to day students (not enough boarding percentage, which should be at least 60%, in my opinion). By mid-sophomore year it was clear to us that the supervision was very lacking and this school did not work out.</p>

<p>By true divine intervention, he wound up for junior and senior year at a school I plan to mention in my will it is so amazing. It had top academics (tier just below the Exerter/Choate schools), incredible athletics- especially in his sport, and a sense of community. I met lots of parents, since we got up there pretty often for his sport and to see family in the northeast, and I didn’t meet any who were “trying to get rid of their kid”. Not everyone was all that wealthy, either. He had a tremendous mentor in his coach/AP History teacher/advisor who has been at the school for 35 years now. Oh- and I can’t say enough about the college counseling. They worked endlessly with us and our son both on packaging him well (honestly, but with the best foot forward) and helping with his athletic recruiting. They are also realistic with the parents.</p>

<p>I will say that I did not miss having my son live at home. I missed a lot of things- and missed being part of his friendships and sports on a day to day basis- but this was a kid who was not thriving in the household. I’ve addressed this issue long ago on CC, and my adult son is thriving in his career and is a top amateur triathlete (graduated from an Ivy League college, too), but at the time he was in high school, we were not able to parent him well. Some kids are very difficult, and we feel blessed that he was able to get into this school, thrive and graduate. </p>

<p>Boarding school is a big sacrifice for a family in ways more than just financial. When we first got to Interlochen to visit, the headmaster addressed the room of parents and students and said, “You young people need to thank your parents. They are considering sending us their most precious thing. No- not their money- but you.” Our daughter STILL thanks us for sending her to Interlochen.</p>

<p>I can’t begin to tell you all the things that make boarding school an experience that is valuable and life-changing. It isn’t right for everyone and there are certainly horror stories. My son had top academics, small classes, close relationship with teachers (their houses on campus were open to students) and gained a maturity that was not going to happen at home. The opportunities are just endless. </p>

<p>Hope this helps. If you ever visited one of these schools (as has been mentioned), you would start to “get it”.</p>

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<p>As the OP on this thread, I have to say that it’s been an eye-opener…interesting insights and I thank all of the posters!</p>

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<p>Education was always very important in our family. We sacrificed greatly for our girls to get the best education possible. We were very lucky that we had few good day schools near us. We did consider a top BS 45 min away from us. We toured the school and found the facility to be too notch. I don’t know if it’s because we had girls, but we really couldn’t see them going away at age 13. We really enjoyed our kids’ company, even when they were teens, and I think they liked our company too. We had dinners together whenever possible. I am not saying parents who send their students to BS do not get along with them. But for us, I just couldn’t imagine not seeing them everyday at that age. I also remember on so many occasions when they needed our guidance or just a hug/kiss. </p>

<p>We had options, so we chose a local day school. I don’t know what we would have done if we had fewer options.</p>

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<p>OP, please do evaluate your local ps and magnet program and compare them with boarding schools. My first child attends our nationally top-ranked ps, and we have been nothing but impressed with the resources that the ps system could offer and the vigor of the curriculum that the top students in the school choose to pursue. And we are close to our state flagship university so his senior year is pretty much spent there. My younger child last year decided to apply for boarding school and was accepted by a top ranked one. We visited in April, attended classes, and were somewhat disappointed at the way classes were taught and students’ performance in class, even though this is a school known for its academics. After the visit, husband, child and I all agreed to stay local.</p>

<p>Other posters have listed many positives of boarding schools and I agree with them all. But keep in mind that good kids are going to do great no matter where they go. I always believe that what makes a good school is not the school itself, but the good students.</p>

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<p>I’d like to elaborate a bit on the concern about missing out on family dinners, hugs, learning to cook, being around caring adults and role models and so on. There seems to be a misperception that if a child goes to boarding school, it’s a zero-sum game with loving family time—all or none. Nothing could be further from the truth. We drop our son off at his school in September, we attend Parents Weekend in October, he’s home for Thanksgiving week in November, he returns three weeks later for the two-and-a-half-week winter (Christmas) break in December, he returns for the two-week spring break in March, and then comes home at the end of May to spend the entire summer in our arms (well, on our couch). You see—he’s only gone a few weeks at a time.</p>

<p>While he’s at school, he is surrounded by adults who have given their lives to teaching, coaching, advising, counseling, living with and loving teenagers. And who says they aren’t learning to cook or sew or juggle in the houses or dorms they live in? Teachers live on campus and often have students over to do things like bake cookies, watch movies, play games, eat ice cream, and just hang. Teachers have families and pets and students become extended family. Teachers open their homes for pre-exam study group/pizza parties. Over the school year, my son’s freshman English teach knitted scarves for each of her students and hosted movie nights at her house. Believe me, though I miss my son while he’s gone, he just doesn’t have time (or need) to miss me. He is extremely well cared for by great role models who are genuinely interested in him. Then, he comes home to parents who are thrilled to see him and provide even more love and role modeling. What’s really missing, as someone upthread mentioned, are the day-to-day parent/teenager “battle scars” over the little things. We get each other at our best.</p>

<p>Though I would agree that I, the parent, miss out on seeing my son every day of the year, I have absolutely no concern that my son is missing anything important in his life—far from it.</p>

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<p>

With all due respect, what would really be missing for us would be D1 sitting down next to me on an off chance night that she didn’t have that much homework to watch a movie with me, or D2 walking into the kitchen to bake with her dad. Instead of having my kids hang with their teacher’s family, I wanted my kids to hang with us. I understand why some parents need/want to have their kids at BS, but I firmly believe our presence in our kids’ high school years was beneficial to all of us. I am also someone who believes parent/child relationship is all about little things, not just when we are at our best. </p>

<p>The schedule Choatemom described is what we have with our college student now. We are only able to have such schedule because she is only 4 hours driving distance away, not everyone has such luxury, even when they are at BS, especially when transportation is expensive.</p>

<p>I recognize it is a great sacrifice for parents to send their kids to BS for “better opportunity,” but all else being equal, I would prefer to have my kids around before 18.</p>

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<p>There are definitely parallels between BS and the “sleep away” college experience, obviously. I think most of us understand that. </p>

<p>I agree with oldfort that it is all those little moments that I wouldn’t want to miss. Also, the daily interaction with siblings is something I have loved seeing between my kids. I went to a private (day) school in a big city and always wished I had had the sort of community my kids have enjoyed in and around their public schools. In many ways it has been idyllic, even though I suppose there might have been other advantages to going away.</p>

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<p>My two kids didn’t like each other at all, so I didn’t miss out on any of that! :slight_smile: They have done much better as adults.</p>

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<p>Folks should keep in mind that we are not talking about the boarding schools described in old movies. It’s not like you send your child off, and will not see him/her again until the next school break with no more than a few handwritten letters in between. Most families live within 3 hours of radius and even 5-6 hours of drive is not too much for families to make for long weekends, school events or for no reason at all. With today’s communication technology, you and your kids are constantly connected. You are still very much a part of their life. (Well, if it makes you feel better just imagine she’s facebooking in her room!) You are still taking the rollercoaster that’s inevitable for kids in this “formative” age with them. On the other hand, this is somewhat like the old idea of “it takes a village to raise a child”. In addition to the family support, there’s a close-knit community they belong to. That’s the way I see it. Sure, you miss the things like “D2 walking into the kitchen to bake with her dad” during the 7 month school year, but you get to bond with your kids every step of the way as they go through the incredibly challenging and rewarding journey. </p>

<p>That being said, I think it will remain the reality that boarding schools are only for a tiny minority of the population. Even to those who could accept the idea of “kids younger than 18 living outside home”, the cost is often prohibitive. While schools such as Andover and Exeter have very generous financial aid programs and provide financial aid to about half of their students currently, there are families who are not qualified for FA but don’t feel they could pay for 4 more years of private education on top of college. Also, as someone pointed out upthread, the top boarding schools are very selective. Although they only attract a few thousand applicants from around the world every year, because of their small size the admit rates already dip into low teens.</p>

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<p>Depending on the given HS aged teen, he/she may already be ready and possibly eager to be “sent away” to spread his/her wings. </p>

<p>Some early adolescents are even mature and ready enough to be sent off to a sleepaway college as I’ve read about from Simon’s Rock of Bard College and from a few LAC classmates who were HS aged. Including a classmate a few classes ahead of me who graduated from college with honors at 17. Agree with Choatiemom and commenters who say this really is about and dependent on the individual student. </p>

<p>To be fair, as with public schools, there are great and not-so-great private schools…including BS out there. Moreover, not all BS students are positively engaged academically though the critical mass at the academically rigorous ones are high. </p>

<p>Even among the academically great ones, they may not be a great fit for a given individual student. </p>

<p>In short, YMMV depending on student concerned. </p>

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<p>Depending on the area, the quality of the local PS and even magnet programs can vary greatly depending on region. </p>

<p>The great ones may also have exceedingly restrictive admissions policies. For instance, the admission rate at my NYC STEM-centered magnet HS was a little under 5% when I was applying considering the allocated places compared with the number of applicants taking an exam. </p>

<p>Also, Hunter College HS only admitted students for 7th grade entry and used to allocate up to half their incoming places to graduates of their affiliated elementary school which gave a substantial admissions advantage to Manhattan residents and families with early-bloomers. It was also highly dependent on how knowledgeable and proactive the principal/admins at one’s elementary school happened to be as I found when my Catholic elementary school principal/admins bungled their part of the registration process so by the time they got it sorted out, it was too late for me to register for the exam despite the fact I was academically eligible to do so. </p>

<p>Moreover, even with regions with academically rigorous local PS/magnet options, they may not be the best academic/social fits for a given student.</p>

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<p>^Agreed. Our magnet programs are extremely competitive to get in.</p>

<p>Many years ago, we paid a lot more for our house in a town with well-known public schools. And these schools have served our family well, academic-wise. I think before committing $200K+ on BS, it’s worthwhile to evaluate the local schools.</p>

<p>Social fit certainly is important. But paying that high of price for the experience will be a discussion on its own.</p>

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<p>Absolutely. If our local public OR private schools were better than dismal, ChoatieKid would be home. Sadly, we live in the “best” school district in a state that is proud to report an increase in the number of seniors who even take the SAT–from 21% to 23%. You only have to slide down to the sixth ranked high school in the state until the college readiness metric falls below 50%. Typical class size is 40. Top-ranked private is an AP-only school (no music, no sports, no ECs). If we had decent options at home, they would have been first choice.</p>

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<p>I also would not advise every family to send their kids off to boarding school. In most cases there are excellent local options, money is saved and the family remains together for more of the year. However, there are many unique family situations that do not involve separations/divorce or wanting to “get rid of the kid”. I also should point out that the boarding schools my kids attended were more diverse than either our public or private school options at home. There were international boarders from all over, athletes who would go on to play professionally, musicians who are now famous, and kids from various economic levels. </p>

<p>I certainly didn’t wake up one morning when my kids were in elementary school or junior high and say “Gee, I can’t wait until I can send my kids to boarding school!” It was something that our family evolved into due to various circumstances, and it had incredible benefits. My kids graduated a long time ago (2003 and 2006) and I still miss going to visit the schools. We still do visit the one in the northeast to see faculty friends we made while our son was a student.</p>

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<p>Wow. That sounds slightly better than the situation faced by my Mississippi based relatives. Only thing was they found the local private schools were just as bad/worse so they ended up sending both kids to BS, including a NE one comparable to the one your kid is attending.</p>

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<p>When my son first told me he wanted to go to a boarding school I was surprised, told him no and I wouldn’t even discuss the subject. I did not want to “send my only child away.” I thought he was doing just fine in our public school, he was ranked 1 out of 300. But after the initial conversation I started to open up to the idea, He was isolated at the public school as he did not participate in sports ( if you couldn’t throw a ball you were inferior) He didn’t have to study and didn’t learn how. He wanted to double up on math, we went to the principal and to the school board but that was “against the rules”. No accommodations were made for kids in the higher percentile.
The year my son went to BS he was one of five to attend from our PS. At boarding school he was surrounded by like minded peers, he found a diverse social group with similar interests and learned to study. He was surrounded by teachers and resident mentors who encouraged and supported him. The years at boarding school were the happiest he has been.
Did it help get into a good college - probably not as it is harder to stand out, but the transition to college was certainly easier, He knows how to cook, do his own laundry, juggle study and social time and how to effectively study.
Boarding school was certainly the best choice for him, I did miss him every day but knowing he was happy and interested in school made it all worth it.</p>

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<p>Things look pretty dismal in Mississippi when you look at the auto-admit criteria for all of the Mississippi public universities. For Mississippi residents, this is any of:

<p>[Office</a> of Admissions | Applying to Ole Miss ? Freshmen](<a href=“http://admissions.olemiss.edu/applying-to-ole-miss/freshmen/]Office”>http://admissions.olemiss.edu/applying-to-ole-miss/freshmen/)
[Requirements</a> - Freshman Admission || Office of Admissions and Scholarships || Mississippi State University](<a href=“http://admissions.msstate.edu/freshman/requirements.php#full]Requirements”>http://admissions.msstate.edu/freshman/requirements.php#full)</p>

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<p>“Sadly, we live in the “best” school district in a state that is proud to report an increase in the number of seniors who even take the SAT–from 21% to 23%.”</p>

<p>I thought you lived in Michigan. Why does the % of kids taking the SAT matter when the ACT is accepted everywhere? This isn’t like the 1980s when the SAT was the “prestigious” test for the better schools and the ACT was mostly for Midwestern state schools. I live in a state where the ACT is mandatory - my kids took SAT Ii’s but never bothered with the SAT itself. I had to get over the snobbery of my youth and realize it didn’t matter!</p>

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<p>Ucbalumnus,</p>

<p>The NCAA does not make admission decisions.</p>

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<p>Based on these discussions there appear to be two answers to the OP original question:</p>

<p>1.) Either the parents or the child is ready for the child to move out of the family home.</p>

<p>2.) There are no good local high school education options.</p>

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<p>3) Kids ask to go. Parents don’t “send” them.</p>

<p>30 plus years ago, I worked in a summer program with a group of very intelligent, high-achieving middle schoolers from all over the country. A handful of them became very good friends, communicating during the school year. Seemingly on their own they discovered the east coast prep schools (Choate et alia) and decided they would all like to attend one together for high school, instead of their local publics. They wanted the academic opportunities and they liked the idea they could go to school with each other and hang out all the time. There would be a built-in peer support system already in place.</p>

<p>One student was an only child and it was very difficult for her to get her parents to agree because they had really not imagined letting her go quite so early. Finally they said yes and she was elated. </p>

<p>All these students were very close to their parents, no behavioral problems. They were fine socially in their public schools, not in any way isolated.</p>

<p>Boarding school seemed to work out very well for these students.
Finances didn’t seem to be a major consideration for any of the families.</p>