"Why Tufts," ED essay... please critique

<p>I am pretty happy about how this sounds, although it is pretty long.I am hoping to send this out Monday, so I will probably fine tune it over the weekend. I actually haven't run it by <em>anyone</em> yet, so consider yourself honored :)</p>

<pre><code> Throughout my college search, which began unofficially somewhere around my freshman or sophomore year in high school, I have been extremely fortunate to have a slew of people willing to assist me. My parents volunteered to take days off from work in order to drive up to see certain schools. My guidance counselor was always available to meet with me and answer my questions. Most of all, however, I have been very fortunate to have a great deal of friends who had completed their admissions process, successfully in their minds, and were willing to answer any and all of my questions about applying to college.
The one thing that my friends, now freshmen in college, had told me worked for them was having the freedom to choose between the schools that they were accepted to. Nearly all of them had not fallen in love with a particular school by the early decision deadline, and did not feel ready to commit to a single school. I debated applying to Tufts at the Early Decision I because at the time, I was uncertain about whether or not I wanted to commit to a single school. I decided that in the next month and a half that I would revisit all of the schools on my list more thoroughly, and hopefully be able to make a clear-cut decision by the second Early Decision deadline.
In November, the stumbling-block preventing me from totally committing to a certain school was more social than academic. In terms of the information I had gathered on Tufts: Information from my guidance counselor, from the Tufts brochure and information sessions at Tufts, as well as from word of mouth, Tufts seemed like an ideal fit for someone looking to study international relations. The presence of the Fletcher School on campus is something that is very appealing to someone as interested in politics as I am. Also, the experimental college has intrigued me greatly, as I would be extremely interested in taking a class on a subject, or possibly even teaching a class in my junior or senior year. Courses like “Producing Films for Social Change,” which intrigues me as someone who love not only watching films, but creating them as well, and “The Press and the Presidential Election,” which interests me as someone interested in journalism, are something that I have not seen at any other college. In addition to that, Tufts’ study abroad program is something that is very appealing to someone like myself, who has had great experiences visiting other parts of the world, and is very eager to explore even more of the world. But most of all, what appealed the most to me academically was that although Tufts had less than 10,000 students, and a liberal-arts focused ciriculum, that it has all of the resources of a major research university, two things that have been toward the very top of my priority list, when searching for schools.
My parents and I decided to plan a trip to re-visit Boston-area schools during the Veteran’s Day weekend. The Red Sox had just won the World Series, and Boston was exploding with energy. Throughout the three days which I stayed in Boston, I began to fell in love with it’s culture, whether it be Boston’s museums, theatre or music, as well as the city’s remarkable energy. On Saturday of that weekend, I called my friend Gillian, a freshman at Tufts, and asked if she could show me around Tufts, and introduce me to some students there. It had snowed the night before, and when I arrived at Tufts, the entire campus had a beautiful blanket of snow on it—I had never quite realized how pretty a campus Tufts had until then. I spent that afternoon with Gillian, as she showed me around the campus. She brought me to the dining hall where I ate lunch and met a bunch of her friends. She took me to the library, to the student center and showed me her dorm room—all of the amendaties were very impressive. . When I asked her about the activites Tufts has, she probably talked for about twenty minutes, and then told me about tuftslife.com, saying that that website can probably give me a better picture than she could. When I visited the website, I was astonished by not only the amount of activites, but how many of them were activites that I would actually partake in. In the grand scheme of things, details like food, and the quality of the library might seem relatively inconsequential. But to me, a high school student trying to decide if a certain school is where I want to spend four years, being able to visualize myself in a certain surrounding is something that is very important. I can safely say that Tufts is very much where I want to go to school, and that is the reason why I am applying Early Decision.
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<p>"I debated applying to Tufts at the Early Decision" - Fix that
" I began to fell in love" fix</p>

<p>This was just a very brief check, I haven't had time to thoroughly read it over. Perhaps someone else will have the chance? The last paragraph seems to use "Tufts" very often. Maybe replace with a few different words such as "campus"? Overall, the essay doesn't quite strike well with me, and it feels a bit dragged out. It seems as if you quote a lot of the visitor information that the admissions office already knows, so maybe you should try cutting down parts of these in your essay. You should talk more about what you feel on the inside, rather than what interested you after walking every 10 feet on campus (include personal interaction maybe? The people? I don't know).</p>

<p>These are just my suggestions so please take no offense. Others may disagree.
I think it is way too long. While the first part is interesting, it takes the reader
too long to get to the meat of "Why Tufts". I think you could eliminate much of the first part and perhaps begin with your revisit to Boston . "While I was
initially undecided about committing to a school ed, that uncertainty was resolved when I revisited Tufts and the Boston area in November." The rest of
your essay is very good, especially the part about your friend taking you around
and what you did and saw.</p>

<p>I agree with the above two: if you shorten, tighten and spell check, I think you will give an excellent answer to Why Tufts</p>

<p>I totally agree with Cali. Start with the Boston revisit. I love how you describe your visit with Gillian, your impressions of Tufts sound quite sincere.</p>

<p>Also, do spellcheck. There are a lot of errors.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

<p>I understand what you mean about starting with the boston re-visit, but should I cut out what I wrote about the ex. college, the study abroad program, etc?</p>

<p>thank you.</p>

<p>You do come off as a pamphlet in writing those.</p>

<p>I did a a pretty good cut-job on most of the filler/rambling, I think. Tell me if you think it's still too long/superfluous. Thanks!</p>

<pre><code>When I began my college search in earnest last spring, I met with a college consultant and my high school counselor who helped me compile a list of "safe schools," "good matches" and "reach schools." Both advisors thought Tufts would be a good fit for me because of my growing interest in international relations and because of its proximity to Boston which has a great reputation as a big college town.

In August, my father and I visited the schools on my list in the Boston area, including Tufts, Brandeis and Emerson. After sitting through the information session, taking the campus tour, and spending a couple of days in Boston, I knew that I was definitely going to apply to Tufts.

I debated applying to Tufts for Early Decision I, but I was nervous about whether or not I wanted to commit to a single school.  I decided that in the next few months that I would revisit all of the schools on my list again, and see if one school really stood out from the rest.

The long Veteran's Day weekend proved to be the best time for my parents and I to re-visit Boston-area schools, as well as the city of Boston. The Red Sox had just won the World Series, and Boston was exploding with energy. Throughout the three days which I stayed in Boston, I became more and more excited about the possibility of spending 4 (or more) years in this exciting environment. On Saturday, I called my friend Gillian, a freshman at Tufts, and asked if she could show me around the campus, and introduce me to some students there. It had snowed the night before, and when I arrived at Tufts, the entire campus had a beautiful blanket of snow on it—I hadn’t realized how pretty a campus Tufts had until then. During the afternoon I spent with Gillian, she brought me to the dining hall where I ate lunch and met a bunch of her friends. She took me to the library, to the student center and showed me her dorm room—all of the amentities were very impressive. When I asked her about the extracurricular activites at Tufts, she probably talked for about twenty minutes straight. She then told me about tuftslife.com, saying that that website would probably give me a more complete picture than she could.

At home, when I visited tuftslife.com and was amazed, not only by the amount of activites, but how many of them were activites that I could actually partake in. I also found the presence of the Fletcher School was something very appealing to someone as interested in politics as I am. Also, the experimental college intrigued me, as I would be extremely interested in taking a course like “Producing Films for Social Change,” which interested me because I not only love watching films, but creating them as well.

Additionally, because I've lived in California, Hawaii and New York, and have benn lucky to travel with my family to Europe, Mexico and the Bahamas, Tufts’ study abroad program is very appealing to someone like me who looks forward to exploring other parts of the world. But most of all, what appealed the most to me academically was that although Tufts had less than 10,000 students and a liberal-arts focused ciriculum, it has all of the resources of a major research university, something toward the top of my priority list during my college search.

But the real key to making the decision to apply to Tufts Early Decision was lying in bed and being able to visualizing myself spending four years there. In my mind, Tufts is the ideal choice for a school.
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<p>Everything above "the long veteran's day weekend" is superfluous.</p>

<p>i actually like the first version better, starting with the revisit paragraph.</p>

<p>Isn't the why Tufts essay supposed to be significantly shorter?</p>

<p>I agree with jjs mom. I like the first one better but start with the revisit.</p>

<p>where is the why tufts essay on the app? i dont see it</p>

<p>Razor: "Why Tufts" essay is on the early decision contract page.</p>

<p>Poolio: I have a bit more time now to give more specific advice. Please do NOT go into having a college consultant... ugh. My first thought was "Poor little rich boy." Also no need to talk about reach, match, safety, naming other colleges you applied to, or even your inner debate about applying early decision. This is generic stuff anyone could have written. </p>

<p>I understand you wanting to talk about Ex-college and study abroad, but if in doing so you sound like a pamphet, as Snuffles points out, leave it out.</p>

<p>What makes your essay really really special is how you describe your re-revisit. As I said earlier, it is clearly written from the heart, and your sincerity is evident. It is so well composed that I think that muddying up the essay with all that filler takes attention away from that section. The "Why Tufts" essay need not be long at all. The adcoms want to see that you truly love Tufts and what you've written does just that. Leave it alone.</p>

<p>Cali came up with a nice opener for you. You mentioned Boston's energy twice, had some grammatical and spelling boo-boos, and as Snuffles pointed out, said "Tufts" a lot. I played around with it a bit too, trying to maintain YOUR voice. What do you think of this? </p>

<p>"While I was initially undecided about committing to a school early decision, that uncertainty was resolved when I revisited Tufts and the Boston area in November. The Red Sox had just won the World Series, and Boston was exploding with energy. Throughout the three days which I stayed in Boston, I began to fall in love with its culture -- the museums, theatres and music -- as well as the city’s remarkable vitality. </p>

<p>On Saturday of that weekend, I called my friend Gillian, a freshman at Tufts, and asked if she could show me around campus and introduce me to some students there. It had snowed the night before, and when I arrived the entire campus had a beautiful blanket of snow on it—I had never quite realized how pretty a campus Tufts had until then. I spent that afternoon with Gillian, where our first stop was the dining hall where we ate lunch and she introduced me to several of her new friends. Afterwards she took me to the library, the student center and her dorm room, and I found all of the amenities very impressive. When I asked her about the activities Tufts has, she probably talked for about twenty minutes, and then told me about tuftslife.com, explaining that that website can probably give me a more comprehensive picture of all Tufts offers than she could. When I visited the website, I was astonished not only by the number of activities on campus, but how many I could see myself actually participating in and thoroughly enjoying. </p>

<p>In the grand scheme of things, details like food and the quality of the library might seem relatively inconsequential. But to me, a high school student trying to decide if a particular school is where I want to spend four years, being able to visualize myself in a certain surrounding is very important. Gillian's tour confirmed for me that Tufts is very much where I want to go to school, and that is the reason why I am applying Early Decision."</p>

<p>thanks a lot jjsmom, I like how you arranged it. Most of the alterations in the second version were stuff that my father thought I should put. Does my father know what he's talking about? Probably not. I told him that the college counselor thing sounded dumb, anyway.</p>

<p>I thought the "Why Tufts?" essay was supposed to be written directly on the Tufts Early Decision agreement. Keeping this in mind, the "Why Tufts" essay could be at most 300 words, which would definitely be a stretch. Was I wrong with this and is one supposed to attach the essay to the Early Decision form? If so, my error, and will this affect my odds much?</p>

<p>
[quote]
Throughout my college search, which began unofficially somewhere around my freshman or sophomore year in high school, I have been extremely fortunate to have a slew of people willing to assist me. My parents volunteered to take days off from work in order to drive up to see certain schools. My guidance counselor was always available to meet with me and answer my questions. Most of all, however, I have been very fortunate to have a great deal of friends who had completed their admissions process, successfully in their minds, and were willing to answer any and all of my questions about applying to college.
The one thing that my friends, now freshmen in college, had told me worked for them was having the freedom to choose between the schools that they were accepted to. Nearly all of them had not fallen in love with a particular school by the early decision deadline, and did not feel ready to commit to a single school. I debated applying to Tufts at the Early Decision I because at the time, I was uncertain about whether or not I wanted to commit to a single school. I decided that in the next month and a half that I would revisit all of the schools on my list more thoroughly, and hopefully be able to make a clear-cut decision by the second Early Decision deadline.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>I think that you can take out those entire two paragraphs. They contribute nil to the focus of your essay. Then, extend on your now first paragraph by adding a reasonable and attractive beginning (and make it concise!!).</p>

<p>Dude, isn’t this supposed to be approximately 50 words?
Go the the “Why Tufts” webpage, and see previous, well written student responses. They are all about 1/6 the length of yours.</p>

<p>To be blunt, no one wants to read something that long. Do youself a favor and make it much more CONCISE.</p>

<p>Dear Mr. RealCoolDood,</p>

<p>This thread is from 2004. The OP has not only been admitted already, he’s graduated from Tufts.</p>

<p>In general, it is a good idea to notice the dates of the Opening Post and the post immediately before your own. </p>

<p>But welcome to CC!</p>