My daughter is leaving for school tomorrow. At her college they have specific “gender neutral” floors in the dorms. Is this an option for the OP. This is obviously something that should have been worked out with the school in advance.
I thought the OP is biologically female, but identifies as male. I don’t really see the issue… and regarding working it out with housing ahead of time, sounds like the OP’s parents were not supportive of this and interfered.
Well whether or not you’re going to be identified is definitely going to be affected by your pronoun preference. If you room with a girl but ask to be referred to by male pronouns then people who know your roommate is a girl are going to know you’re transgender (unless gender neutral housing for freshman is an option on your campus or you can convince them that there was some mistake/issue and a guy was roomed with a girl). If you’re going to go back into the closet and use female pronouns (which I imagine is an awful feeling and I’m sorry that your parents aren’t more supportive) then they’ll probably just assume you’re a butch/masculine girl.
I’m honestly a little torn about whether or not you need to tell the roommate in advance. My first thought was yes because you identify as a man you should say something because the housing is intended to be for two women (especially if your school has a gender neutral option that your roommate chose not to use), but then I started thinking - what if you weren’t actually transgender, but just a really masculine girl. I understand this isn’t an accurate description of how you feel, but in terms of how you affect the roommate, how are you any different from a super butch lesbian (I’m also assuming you’re a heterosexual man), and would I say that a super butch lesbian needed to tell the roommate ahead of time? I would probably say no, you don’t need to tell your roommate ahead of time. So I guess I fall on the side of “you don’t need to tell your roommate ahead of time,” but certainly if you want your roommate to refer to you as a man you’re going to have to tell her at some point.
EDIT: Also “notice” is obviously not the same thing as “care/have a problem with.”
I think the roommate is going to care a lot more about whether you are funny, considerate, a good listener,etc than how you identify. I wouldn’t mention anything ahead of time.
As for the others on your hall, they will quickly get to know you as you, and probably won’t care what your appearance is. Best of luck. I do hope your parents come around soon with more support.
I’m a straight girl and found my roommate on Facebook. My roommate told me ahead of time that she is bisexual, since sexuality IS something that comes up in college and she wouldn’t want me to be uncomfortable. I’m not uncomfortable at all with it and, in fact, the majority of my female friends happen to be lesbian/bi, but I can see that some people might be.
It’s not clear to me whether the OP is planning to be ‘out’ in college or not. If he is, then I think it’s obvious that the roommate should/would know. If not, it all depends on comfort level. Maybe gauge how socially liberal this roommate is and decide whether or not to tell her from there. I imagine that the roommate might be a bit taken-aback or surprised, but hopefully she would have no problem with it.
Some colleges are starting to offer Gender-Neutral Housing. You might want to look into that.
That’s certainly what the roommate should care more about but it’s certainly not a given that that’s what they actually will care more about.
I think you should tell your roommate. A lot of people wouldn’t care, but there are still a lot of people out there who would be uncomfortable rooming with a guy. Personally, I’d want to know, but only so that I could use his preferred pronouns and name around people who also know he’s trans. Maybe you’ll get lucky and she’ll also be LGBTQA, and then she wouldn’t dream of judging you for it.
Perhaps you can do what the others have said and take a few days to get to know her before letting her know, so that she knows you’re a nice person and would be less likely to judge you immediately, if she is conservative?
I think you should tell her for your own happiness. It’s already going to be very uncomfortable for you to live on a hall of all girls, as if you’re one of them, right? It’d be nice to have at least one person who knows what’s up. It really is a shame you couldn’t get a single or gender neutral housing.
I was talking to my D2 (college junior) about this today, and she commented that pretty much this exact situation occurred during her freshman year with a friend & the friend’s roommate. She said it was just no big deal – says her friend is “chill”, and it really wasn’t an issue. The trans roommate started passing as male partway through the year, and now lives in a single. D2 thought it would be best to meet the roommate and get to know them a bit before telling them.
Yeah man, I think you’re gonna want to tell your roommate. Get to know them a bit before you two actually live together (if there’s time), but maybe broach the subject beforehand–it’s important enough to share given that a girl is expecting to live with another girl, not a guy (it’d be the same if you were mtf with a male roommate). I wouldn’t’ve minded if my roommate last year was mtf or ftm transgender, but I know some of my friends who would’ve been uncomfortable (tbh I’m only thinking of two of my friends who’re strictly Jewish Orthodox).
I saw from your post history you go to Bridgewater State University, and here’s something you might want to check out: http://www.bridgew.edu/student-life/residence-life-housing/residential-learning-communities
I’m fairly certain the Social Justice living community will be welcoming to your situation for the years to come, and you’ll definitely find mostly LGTB-friendly people there.
Something I personally think would reveal you as a ftm transgender is the communal bathrooms (if the bathrooms at your school are communal). On the guys side of the hall (and girls on the girls’ side did this too), we would walk to and from the bathroom in towels (sans clothes). In the bathroom getting into and out of the showers, we definitely were in towels. I’d imagine people might notice if you used the male restroom (given you haven’t been taking testosterone), but that’s just something you might want to consider.
Overall, I don’t think you’ll get any flack for being transgender. I’m a strong conservative and a member of the College Republicans at my university, and I don’t think a single person in the club would mind if someone they knew was transgender–college campuses are EXTREMELY progressive. Everyone knows someone who’s LGBT.
My DS goes to small state school and they have gender neutral housing. So, I’d imagine most schools can at least find you a gender neutral roommate if there is not a gender neutral section of the residence halls.