<p>My S is a HS sophomore and his life's passion is basketball. He is 3rd string on his JV team. What this means is that with 2/3 of the season complete he has had less than 1 min. of playtime. He is dealing well with the situation and has accepted it for this year. Really, even when it has seemed he would contribute to team play he has not been put into games. I am having a hard time understanding why the coach even put him on the team. So here is my question/concern. He is a bright kid who will be passing up other opportunities by keeping basketball on his schedule next year. He has been humbled this year but I don't see any reason to continue on this track for another year. He absolutely doesn't want me to speak with his coach about his situation. One way or another I want my son to get the coaches perspective of his play and ability and the future role on the team that coach sees him in. I want my son to go into the summer understanding where he needs to be next year so that he will have an active spot on the JV team. Mostly I want to know if coach even sees him as a active player next year and I want my son to undestand what he needs to do so that he will be one. I'm trying to figure out the best way to approach this question. That would be either me or my son approaching it. Mostly I don't want my S to waste his time, spin his wheels and feel put down for another year. Either way I expect that as last year he will be putting lots of energy into becoming the best player he can be. Do you have any suggestions?</p>
<p>The lessons of commitment to a team stretch far beyond the length of playing time in the games. If your son likes being a part of the team, then I would not consider it a waste at all. All he can do it be the best he can be and hope to be put in more…I have seen kids make amazing leaps in their skills all of a sudden one year. If not, it is a really special thing to be part of a team for four years. My own kid got a lot from the experience.</p>
<p>Let your ds handle it. He doesn’t sound too bothered by the lack of play – at least not enough to act on it.</p>
<p>I know how frustrating it is. Same thing happened to my ds sophomore year. He’d been an award-winning starter freshman year and then a new coach relegated him to bench-warmer for much of sophomore year. It was SOOOO difficult to watch game after game. We prodded him to talk to the coach, but he wasn’t confident enough to do that. He didn’t know what to say/do, but we let it be his call. Thankfully, junior year, ds had a new coach and a new attitude. He regained his starting spot, though at a different position.</p>
<p>I think most coaches won’t look highly on a parent getting involved.</p>
<p>It is perfectly fine for your son to approach the coach towards the end of the season and ask for a post season meeting. At this meeting, he should ask what things he need to work on during the off-season in order to earn more playing time next year. Many programs have these meetings as a part of the normal end of season wrap-up but if your son’s school doesn’t do this, it is a legitimate request.</p>
<p>You should not be a part of that meeting in any way shape or form. It is between your son and his coach - and parental involvement will be greatly frowned upon.</p>
<p>If you can, why not send him to a basketball camp this summer? Sometimes getting away helps to put things in perspective and also helps a young person evaluate his own skills–not to mention being evaluated by someone who has no history with your child. Some kids are perfectly happy to practice and get the team experience without the playing time. They all practice a lot more than they play. Two of the kids I remember from my high school sat on the bench a lot, but when they played, it was memorable.</p>
<p>As hard as it is to see this happen, your S must make the decision to stay on the team or not. Some kids in his situation end up stopping the next year and others stay even if they get very little playing time. They enjoy being part of the team, making friends and playing during practices. If the playing time is the most important thing, those kids will probably eventually leave the team.</p>
<p>If your S does not want you to say anything to the coach, I would respect his wishes. I’d just try and communicate with him directly about how he feels about the situation without forcing a decision. </p>
<p>And if his life’s passion really is basketball, just being on the court and playing each day in practices may be enough for him.</p>
<p>He can go to camp and put in serious work on his skills and conditional, but he may still sit the bench. The only alternative is to transfer to another school. If it were track or swimming, the clock would be determinative, but in team sports, the coach always has his subjective input.</p>
<p>There is a lot to be said for being on the team, however.</p>
<p>Parents should not go to the coach. Not at the high school level. Your son can go talk to the coach (maybe in the off-season) for an honest evaluation of his weaknesses and likelihood of getting additional playing time, but be ready to hear the truth.</p>
<p>MD and RTR hit on something I should have. Ds2 played seventh-grade football and almost never made it on the field, but he loved the conditioning and camaraderie he received. I liked that about him – that it was being part of something bigger, not just his playing time. Your ds is probably getting a lot of his experience, even in a diminished role.</p>
<p>Some kids like to practice better than playing. They don’t like the pressure of the game. My DD ran cross country and did not enjoy the races.</p>
<p>As the parent of three athletes, I encourage your son to speak directly to his coach before you consider approaching him. Obviously, school size is going to determine the size of the team, the bench and some of the philosophy of the program. For example, at our school JV was not necessarily about winning, but about two years ago there were enough boys interested in playing that they created a “C” team. So now, JV is very much about prep for varsity play. So understanding the coaching and sport specific philosophy is a primary first step. Has your son ever asked the coach or assistant coach, after practice or at some other time (i.e., not during practice itself), what he needs to do to get more playing time? Does he understand his position and where he needs to be to execute the plays?</p>
<p>OK… now don’t take this wrong… but… when son was a junior we couldn’t figure out why he wasn’t getting more playing time. He was a great athlete and had been starting for football and lacrosse since sophomore year. As it turned out, H ran into the coach at Sunday morning pick up game and just inquired. The coach flat out said that had S showed the kind of dedication to basketball as he did to his two other sports, he could very well be a starter but the truth was, he showed up late to practice sometimes and just didn’t seem to serious. And in fact, his attitude was beginning to frustrate the coach because the kid is a leader and that works for both good AND evil. Well, obviously we had a serious talking to with son and he never gave it his all I suppose (but he did become a MUCH better leader among his peers). So… sometimes those who are hardest working get the playing time. Last spring there was some grumbling about playing time on the lax team. And a lot of parents of underclassmen started calling the coach. He was spending an inordinate amount of time fielding calls and emails from parents to the point where he was really getting ticked. Son and the two other captains finally said to the team one day… “look… if you’ve got a problem with your playing time, talk to the coach and quit B****ing to your parents. You know damn well what you are or aren’t doing to earn your playing time, or you’d be talking to the coach yourself.” </p>
<p>Not saying this is your case, BUT… unless the coach is completely unapproachable, sometimes our kids know more about things than what we see during the games. Attitude is often rewarded. Prima dona behavior is a cancer best left on the bench to preserve team unity.</p>
<p>If he is hesitant to talk to the head coach directly, perhaps one of the assistants would be more approachable. What I can almost certainly tell you however is that no coach wants to hear from the parent BEFORE the kid speaks up for himself. I can almost guarantee you, he will earn a lot of respect for dealing with this himself first. </p>
<p>Now… if he doesn’t get an answer or is blown off or whatever… you can certainly ask for a more direct answer. (I would pose it as a “I’d like to clarify what was said to S so I can better support both him and of course, the team.” And if you get nothing satisfactory, you have the right to go up the chain of command to the AD, especially if in actual follow thru the team does not follow it’s own philosophy.</p>
<p>D isn’t getting a lot of playing time this year either, but I have taken the tact that if it becomes a negative experience, it will be her responsibility to definitely talk to the coach and/or the captains about it to see where she might be going wrong. But here again it is imperative to know the team culture and philosophy going in. She is young for the team and so my advice to her is to show up every day not on time but early and work your butt off during practice.</p>
<p>Spectrum, I feel your pain. It’s hard to watch your child devote a lot of time and energy into a sport only to sit on the bench. If possible, your son should talk with his coach. It takes a lot of guts for a 15/16 y.o. to do that, but it is the best if HE handles this.
Instead of asking whether or not he will be an active player next year, have him ask the coach where he needs to improve and for suggestions on how he can improve his performance over the summer. A coach usually reacts more positively to a kid seeking to improve than one demanding why he isn’t getting more playing time.</p>
<p>My S2 is a soccer player who rode the bench his freshman year, then started in his sophomore year. He made the varsity team in junior year and was on the verge of being a starter, only to be sidelined by a concussion and lose his starting position. I spent the entire spring sitting in the rain, watching other people’s kids play while he shivered on the bench. It was heartbreaking. But last year’s seniors graduated, and my S2 grew another 3 inches over the summer. Barring injury (fingers crossed!) this spring, he will be the starter on his varsity team. </p>
<p>He used this experience in one of his college essays, “I Rode the Bench My Junior Year.” It illustrated his passion for the sport, his perseverance, and the lessons he learned about being a team player. He concluded with how he will be looking out for the guy on the bench. It was a terrific essay.</p>
<p>MD Mom, my second son is like your daughter - he runs XC to stay in shape. His older brother, on the other hand, is competive to the max and will be running in college next year. That’s why I like track and cross country - each player’s ability is measured by his/her running time, and everybody gets to participate.</p>
<p>Your son should handle this. There are all kinds of nuances in high school sports. My son’s coach often (read almost everyday) stops at the gym during the off-season just to spot which of “his kids” are working out. There are sometimes pick-up games that the “older” kids pull together for the younger kids…again the coaches often “swing by.” There’s leadership attitude, friendship, sportsmanship all sorts of little things. The upper level coaches watch the JV and freshman kids. I know my boys would hate, hate, hate for my H or I to call a coach unless it was to make a booster contribution LOL. I think they would think the coach would think they were weak. Lastly there are always the kids that are going to be second or third string, but to fret about it if you son is happy isn’t healthy either. If he’s happy, let him go, give him opportunities that he asks for that are within your time/money means and let him enjoy.</p>
<p>I feel you but have to emphasize that it is important to put it in your S’s hands. He should approach the coach as scualum suggests and ask what he can do in the off season to improve his game. Start looking into camps that may help him to improve but at his level I wouldn’t suggest one of the D1 camps as in my experience the non-elite athletes get better instruction at a D3 or D2 school. If you have AAU or off season rec leagues that he has time for sign him up for those too. Nothing improves you like practice</p>
<p>My heart goes out to you after watching my Sr. D ride the pine in several games her Sr year or be put in for an embarrassing few seconds at the end of the game. She soldiered on and loved being on the team but I ached for her.</p>
<p>As a mom of 2 bball players, I agree with those who say if he is ok with being a member of the team even without playing time, support his decision. </p>
<p>And in addition to camps, you might also look for a personal bball trainer. We have one here who is fantastic. My S’s game got so much stronger after about 10 sessions with this man. He worked on all the fundamentals of ball handling, shooting, footwork, conditioning, etc. S did it with one of his teammates, but he could have done it one on one. Also, find out if there are local fall, spring and summer leagues in which he could participate. I actually had to organize our HS team’s spring and fall league involvement, including getting a coach, so that the boys could keep playing and getting experience.</p>
<p>You’ve gotten a lot of good advice here and I just want to second that your son should ask the coach, “What is it you need to see from me in order for me to get more playing time?” </p>
<p>this is the question. There isn’t another question.</p>
<p>It’s between he and the coach and the coach will have things he wants to see and that will be up to your son if it is what he wants to do or can do. </p>
<p>He shouldn’t ask if the coach sees him playing more next year or any of those things, just ask what the coach wants to see and then do it.</p>
<p>Also, this is only if your son really cares about playing time. Also, he might want to be a part of the team, no matter what. Even the best athletes ebb and flow a little bit with playing time, but they wouldn’t give up being a part of the team no matter what.</p>
<p>It will be hard for him to be a Junior and still spend a lot of time on the bench. If he is passionate about the game let him join an outside team.
Does the coach seem competent to you?</p>
<p>Certainly, let your S handle this but it still may not work out for the best. I think the best advice here is from poetgrl: ““What is it you need to see from me in order for me to get more playing time?””</p>
<p>D’s story - Tried out for the freshman soccer team - very competitive but she made it – and spent exactly 3 minutes in actual games all season. She went to every practice, did everything she could to be a team player but there was certainly another level of players on the team. She was picked just so the “A” team could have a warm body to play against in practice. Freshman teams don’t go to State championships, etc.
If he wanted to develop her, he could have played her more She didn’t give up and tried out again in Soph year. Lo and behold, coach was moved from Freshman team to JV. She promptly joined the cross-country team and just played soccer for fun. Sometimes being “on the team” is just not that much fun… (PS She now competes in a completely different sport in college.)</p>
<p>Think about it this way…every Christmas there are sad, sad threads about parents whose kids couldn’t navigate their college freshman fall. Many of the traits that kids in sports learn to navigate like talking to the coach, figuring out how much time they can devote to their sport and still balance school work, working in teams, getting to practice on time, going to practice when they just might rather lay on the couch…are skills that transfer and help kids navigate college successfully…just another reason why you should let your son navigate this situation. Let him determine how important this is to him and what he needs to do to get there. Your son is a sophomore, learning to let him do things on his own are priceless. You said he’s smart, well let him learn how to be smart in a different way than pure booklearning. In the long picture it could be the best “learning” he does in high school.</p>
<p>^^^ That’s so true. It’s difficult but important. I hated being in the stands and never seeing my kid go out on the field. And the other parents would say, “I don’t know why he isn’t playing your son.” My heart ached. But, really, it was all on ds; if he could take it, so could we. Dh and I would just mourn and ***** in the privacy of our bedroom.</p>