My son was recruited to play soccer. So far he has been miserable. He likes his classes a lot but says the team is not what he expected. He is having second thoughts and wants to transfer out. I am new to college sports, having never played during my college years. The assistant coach who recruited him left to take a head coach position in New York.
He said he and most of the freshmen do not feel welcome. There are no team bonding exercises. It seems it’s each man for himself. The new assistant coach doesn’t really speak with the freshmen. An upperclassman was heard using profanity at a freshman and no-one intervened. He is currently nursing an injury and has never been asked by the coaches how he is doing, but heard an injured upperclassman being asked how was he feeling. He says he feels invisible and that they don’t care about the freshmen. He complains about the heavy favoritism evident and it feels that the coaching staff doesn’t seem to care much about the other players, just the favorites.
The head coach has been there since the 1970’s. That was one of the reasons he went there because he liked him a lot and the coaches that were there when he went to camp and for his visits.
It’s a great school academically, but I am beginning to wonder if my son made a mistake by going there. He had offers from other programs but liked the atmosphere there. I guess the question that I have is can I as a parent talk to the head coach or is that a no-no?
Twelfthman – Yes, all freshmen, except one whose brother played on the team when they won the championship, are basically treated the same way. The assistant coach does not speak to him at all. He said he did speak with the head coach who told him they had big plans for him next season when they are losing 10 seniors. That still doesn’t allay his uneasiness and feeling invisible. I am concerned about him because they made it seem like it was such a family atmosphere during the visits and meetings, but now it seems that was just a front. I don’t know at which point do I get involved. I know he is supposed to handle some things on his own, but this is weighing on me heavily. He’s too far away from home to be so miserable.
@Onelove2
First of all, I am very sorry to hear that your son does not feel like he is truly part of the team. I know it would be hard for me to hear that as a mom. However, I think you should allow him to handle this situation. He is a young adult now so he needs to learn how to handle some situations. If he speaks to them and the situation does not improve then I might step in.
One other note, it is too late to edit your post now. However, most of us don’t post so much info (the name of the school,identifying things about our player,etc). If someone from the school happens to visit this forum they might see your post. They would likely be able to figure out the identity of your son. They might not appreciate you giving out details like that in a forum like this. However, if your son is that miserable then he might be beyond caring about what they think. Anyway, I just thought I would mention since it appears that you are new to the forum.
Anyway, I hope everything works out for your son. I know it is hard to have your son away at school and feel that he is being ignored or mistreated. It is hard enough for freshman to live away from their families for the first time but your son has this issue too. Anyway, best of luck to you regardless of what you decide to do.
Allboyz – I tried to remove the name after I posted it and I think the time had expired. I think I may have to step in because he is not feeling any better. I am not pointing fingers at anyone, I just want to talk about my concerns with regard to his adjustment.
I don’t have a child playing college sport, but would really hesitate to step in. Do you really think that a coach who has been there since 1977 wants to hear from a parent that their kid feels invisible. Truly, I think you will just make it worse for your son. I suspect that for the most part the freshman are not playing and the varsity/starting players have the coaches attention. If it were my son I would tell him to bond with the other freshman, workout with them and think about this a development year. He should work on improving his play. No one likes to hear their child is unhappy, but I don’t think this is your place to make it better.
Mamom – Thanks for the feedback. The last thing I would want is to make things worse for him. This is new for us, so I am trying to figure out how to approach the situation. My gut tells me to let him handle it.
I would absolutely agree that you should NOT get involved by speaking with the coach/es. Mamom’s suggestions are good. The only thing that would make me suggest a parent speak to someone would be if there was clear bullying/abuse/hazing going on…but it doesn’t sound like this is the case.
Sounds like they have their “starters”, and the freshman are there to train, learn, and show that they’ve got what it takes to work hard even when they don’t get the play time. If your son imagined that he would be playing in games, that could be quite a let down, and is not uncommon. However he needs to know that, as far as play time goes, it could get better or it may not change. If he truly likes the school, and has made some good friends on the team, he should focus on those positives.
This is one of the potential pitfalls of choosing a school because of a sport/coach, and then finding that when you’re not the star player you thought you would be right out of the gate, the school loses it’s appeal.
While I am not saying it is like this at all programs, it is similar at quite a few. Especially those that are perennial contenders for national titles. He just needs to suck it up. I know that sounds facile and a bit cold, but that is how it is. I would also point out that it is more than possible that when he enters the working world, depending on his particular situation, he might be low man on the totem pole and face a relatively similar situation. “Common courtesy” is not really a mantra of either sports teams or corporate America when you reach a certain level. This is a great learning experience for him.
I would also say that this is one of the biggest complaints of companies today, that young people entering the work force are so used to being praised for every little thing, to everyone worrying about their “feelings”, etc. that they get pouty and feel disrespected very quickly. This is his chance to grow up and deal with competition at the highest level. As long as he isn’t being abused in any way (and obviously I don’t count not being fawned over as abuse), then he needs to wait his turn. I know you aren’t really complaining that he isn’t being fawned over, that he just wants some attention to his needs. But this is how teams actually establish the highest level of competitive strength, strange as it sounds to someone that never played at that level. The coaching staff is challenging him to find strength within himself to deal with his issues. They want to see that inner motivation. Take the coach at his word about his future. He is just a freshman, which in sports means what it means, unless he is a superstar. Apparently he is not. It used to mean ridiculous hazings and demeaning behavior. Thank goodness that is no longer the case for the most part. Sports teams are the ultimate meritocracies.
“I am concerned about him because they made it seem like it was such a family atmosphere during the visits and meetings, but now it seems that was just a front.”
Unfortunately this is how many coaches operate at all levels. Manipulative. Selfish. Keeping players (and parents) on the hook to suit the coach’s needs and career goals and not doing what is best or what is fair for the player.
Guess what. A lot of bosses in corporations and small companies are like this too. Might as well learn to deal with it now.
To me that is exactly the wrong life lesson to take from all this. Sure, let’s just take my ball and bat and go home, the first sign of things not being what I hoped I will just quit on all my teammates. Horrible reaction to a very mild adversity.
Fallen Chemist – Thanks for your comments, but I never said my son saw himself as a superstar or is asking to be fawned over. There are some problems in the program that they are not being truthful about. As a parent, I would be remiss if I didn’t feel some level of concern.
Thanks for your feedback, but I don’t want him to cut and run. If he chooses to leave, I want him to do so with his head held high. Not to use an injury as a crutch.
WhataProcess – Thank you for the feedback. He has made some friends with other freshmen players and actually loves the academics. He still believes there are some issues that are creating some problems for the freshmen. He says the assistant coach basically ignores them. But when the said assistant coach spoke to me on the phone before pre-season, he painted a completely different picture. For example, he said there would be team-building efforts. As far as I can tell, there has been no such thing.
My son knew going in that there would be a good chance he would not play during his freshman year and he was okay with that because he understood that he had to put in the work to get playing time. He also understood that he had to learn their playing style and so on. So, it would be a work in progress.
My experience is that college coaches want to win. Good coaches understand that winning is based on talent and team chemistry. Instances of individual malcontent occur, and it is the coach’s job to prevent that from turning into team dissension. It is not the coach’s job to cater to each individual’s complaints about profanities in the club house or receiving equal amounts of attention.
In the pre-edited version of the original post, it was revealed that the school is a D3. So no athletic scholarship is involved. Presumably the OP’s son was admitted with coach support. Maybe he could have got in on his own, don’t know. Maybe critics can say that was just selfish of the coach, but the youngster benefited nonetheless.
[Posts are accumulating faster than I can type] So it now seems that the complaint has been distilled down to no team-building efforts as promised. That’s not any one individual’s issue. It is a team issue, if it is one at all. A call to the (experienced) coach from a freshman’s mom, telling him he should do more team building stuff–well I think that strategy has a big risk of backfiring.
Do not call the coach! Your son should try to set up a meeting with a coach - assistant or head- to discuss how the coaches view his progress and what they foresee for him next year. My son is a freshman soccer player and has mentioned no team building activities. There was a pre-season cookout at the coach’s house and meals together before games, but that is the extent of the team activities. He has bonded with a couple of the other freshman on the team (and a couple of girls from the lax team) and spends a lot of time with them. I suggest that your son build relationships with the other freshman who are in the same boat. A lot of them are probably going through the adjustment of having been superstars on their club teams and now just another depth player in college.
If you read my post carefully, I acknowledge both that he doesn’t expect to be fawned over and that he doesn’t think of himself as a superstar. I brought the former up as hyperbole, the latter to make the point that there are exceptions as to how most freshmen get treated. My point is that from what you have described, this is a very small issue that it seems to me he is completely overreacting to, and because he is unhappy so are you. This assistant coach sounds like he is new in the job, and might have meant everything he said but the head coach had different ideas. Who knows, but the right response is to show the coaches you have the character to deal with these things. If he is serious about playing soccer, that is. If not, he is doing himself and the team no favors by staying.