<p>Would like to go public, feel free to share privates.</p>
<p>The cars lay motionless side by side as if God had taken all his children and left behind only these very fragments of our modern civilization. In the drivers seat of one of those many steel horses gently sits the stereotype of America, the suburban, white male. Awkwardly, however, his mind is not filled with visions of the basic facets of his life: a wife, 2.5 kids living in a good neighborhood with good schools, and a steady job in middle management downtown; but rather of a land he once knew only so long ago, the West, those far reaches of the mind yet to be explored.
Slowly, the numerous skyscrapers ahead transform into the vast slopes of the steep, rocky mountains that populate the inner reaches of the West. One by one, roads vanish, the sky brightens, and those small fragments of our modern civilization, the automobiles, become a stampede of buffalo traversing the rangeland. A sigh of relief comes over him as his paradise is realized, but as he is awakened to the reality of rush hour, he lets out a loud piercing shriek of failure. The realization has come. The West is gone. Hes trapped.</p>
<p>Having talent in writing won't get you in anywhere that you're not already qualified for. It can tip the scales in your favor but won't work miracles. This seems creative, and I'm very curious how it turns into an admissions essay, but it's hard to make predictions based only off a small sample of writing. I know poor writers who've been admitted to top-tier national universities and excellent writers who aren't going farther than local schools. Sorry that I can't be more helpful.</p>
<p>I suggest applying to colleges that don't pay that much attention to essays. What you have right now would not be impressive to colleges that do base admission on essays because such colleges are interested in learning more about you, not about some other person, which is what your essay seems to be about.</p>
<p>The opening is too slow. Admissions committees aren't going to want to wade through all of that unnecessary verbiage in order to finally start getting to know you and your points. They are busy people, and have stacks of essays to read. Start your essay with something compelling and specific and that's directly about you.</p>
<p>That is way too long an intro then. It's a horrible idea to not even start to talk about yourself in the first 200 words of your essay. Colleges care about what kind of person you are, not about this "trapped" stranger and even less about how well you use an allegory to introduce yourself.</p>
<p>you said fragments of our modern civilization twice. i agree with the others, it's okay for the begining of a story, but way too slow and wordy and not enough meat for a college essay. get to the point from the begining. or, make that intro much shorter...as in a few sentences. maybe make subtle references to yourself, so it has some relevance instead of talking about some random person, which makes it seem like a waste of space/word count. good luck.</p>
<p>the theme, moral, and style of that opening are all intolerably cliche. i mean, you must realize how terribly overused the whole "2.5 kids, wife, good job..." list-of-average-american-things is. think of something original and perhaps your essay will get you in somewhere prestigious. yet, aren't prestigous colleges a cornerstone of the american culture that drives people to desire "a wife, 2.5 kids living in a good neighborhood with good schools?" it seems your essay contradicts what it is being written for. maybe if you really believed in what you were writing your essay would have a hint of passion and originality.</p>
<p>I would highly suggest that you get this book: "On Writing the College Application Essay" by Harry Bauld - it is short and easy read, but it will show you exactly what colleges are looking for... and what they are NOT looking for.</p>
<p>What you have written might be a good start for something else... but it's not a good start for the essay-- although it might be salvageable if you've already written the rest. Then all you have to do is find the part of the essay where things start to get personal & interesting, and then cut off the initial paragraphs. I'm serious -- some people have a writing style where it takes a few paragraphs to get warmed up, and if that's for you, then it certainly is fine to write your first draft that way and then edit out the slow start later on. </p>
<p>In any case you have plenty of time and it's great that you're starting early.</p>
<p>I agree -- it's great that you started this early. I wrote my first draft of my first personal statement around this time last year, and at the time I thought it was very good and final draft quality. By the time I submitted my early application in October, I ended up using perhaps only 15% of that first essay as part of a short answer question, and I'd written five brand new essays along the way.</p>
<p>actually,i wanted to see what kind of colleges writers with styles like mine should go to, not commentary on my essay, which was a joke essay i sent to a small conservative christian school</p>