Would anybody like to read my CommonApp essay?

<p>The prompt is prompt number 4, asking you to describe an environment in which you are comfortable. I only discovered CC a short while ago, so I don't have the seniority to be able to PM people I think, so I'll post it here. I wrote it several months ago, and I'm not sure whether after a stretch of time I still like it. Feedback please!</p>

<p>[begin wall of text]</p>

<p>Describe a place or environment where you are perfectly content. What do you do or experience there, and why is it meaningful to you?</p>

<pre><code>I break the water, entering hands first, my body trailing gracefully behind until I am fully submerged. I kick in long, undulating motions, driving myself forward through the stillness of deep water. My eyes are closed. I don't need to see to know where I'm going. I keep kicking, powerfully and fast until my inner peace is broken by the screaming of my lungs. All at once I'm on fire, I can't breathe, I'm going to die; all instincts scream up, up, up and I break the surface with a gasp. My world is clear again. My eyes fly open.
For the instant my head is tilted to breathe I can see the people on the sidelines. My teammates are all on their feet, arms flailing, urging me on. I am reminded that I am swimming just as much for them as myself. The universal roar hits my ears, unbroken by cap or wave. I can feel a palpable shock run through my body; the air, the atmosphere, the crowd channel unrestrained energy directly through my body and when that long breath ends and my head returns to the water, I am changed.
Time, painstakingly slow before, now rushes by. My arms scratch at the water grasping, reaching, stretching for the next foot, the next inch but I am still too slow, I need to move faster, faster, faster, faster. I am a being of a singular principle, to move forwards with greater and greater speed. My flip at the wall hardly registers, the product of years and years of training muscle memory but that doesn't matter now, all that matters are my kicks and the war in my lungs and I break free from the water surface again. I taste the air, savoring this second breath. The race is close, and I sense a greater urgency in the crowd. My competitor in the lane adjacent mine is close, even a little ahead, but I can see within him a deep tiredness that I lie to myself I do not have. My head returns to the water, and I am grateful for the coolness of its touch. The second length, the final stretch, is even more desperate than the first.
My eyes are fastened resolutely to the familiar long black line on the bottom of the pool that I know will bring me home. The last few yards are a spectacle. My arm lunges towards the wall; I throw every fiber of my being behind the final push that connects my hand with the touchpad. In those moments, between the adrenaline of victory and the wave of fatigue that follows, I am perfectly content doing what I love.
</code></pre>

<p>A quick worry I have is that the essay might sound kind of presumptuous. haughty-taughty you know? thoughts?</p>

<p>Your essay, although well-written with some mechanical errors, is rather one-dimensional. You don’t mention much about WHY swimming is meaningful to you, other than you enjoy it. </p>

<p>The essay should reveal something about your character, and I didn’t see much.</p>

<p>I agree with neontissues. Although your essay is “showing and not telling”, it is making me want to jump in a pool and not admit you into my college which is just like one of those "role model " essays. Try to add a bit more you and substance.</p>

<p>I think your essay reads kind of like a story. What you’re doing here is being really descriptive about a single event…however, like neon and Barbara said, you’re not exactly explaining WHY it’s an environment you feel content in. At the end you briefly mentioned that you feel content between the adrenaline of winning and the fatigue? Perhaps explain why? Is it because you feel that the hard work you put in, although painful, has rewarded you? Maybe that feeling contributes to why swimming makes you happy?</p>

<p>Basically, you need to convey more of you, so that colleges know that your personality will help you fit in at the university or will enable you to keep up with their work etc. </p>

<p>I also want to say, it would be a better idea for you to ask people on the forum if they want to read your essay, and then PM it to them. This way you’ll have a much smaller chance of being plagiarized.</p>